Step #1: When you feel hurt, acknowledge that – and then find a more generous explanation for your spouse’s behavior
You have been hurt. You’re angry and upset. But you have a choice how to handle it – and the most important choice is how you’re going to view your spouse’s motivations toward you. Seeking a more generous explanation for hurtful behavior than “he/she doesn’t care!” was the first step that moved many marriages in our research from “poor” to “pro.”
So you can get an idea of how this works, here’s an example: On the heels of an exhausting few months with high-stress jobs, the loss of a parent, and parenting their own kids, a couple we featured in the Surprising Secrets book had made long-overdue plans for a night out together.
But then the husband spent all day golfing with his buddies, got home late – and was exhausted.
Instead of elevating the situation to DEFCON 1, the wife did Step #1. She realized his actions did not indicate “taking her for granted” or any of the other negative assumptions her brain wanted to chew on. Instead, they were the actions of an exhausted man who finally – finally – was able to blow off some steam and who had lost track of time. She was honest and told her husband she was really disappointed, but then she said, “But I know you love me. And I know you needed this time with your friends.”
Overwhelmed with her gentle reaction, her husband was awed and grateful rather than defensive.
So the next time your spouse leaves a pile of dirty dishes in the sink again, or seems to brush you off or, or doesn’t ask you about the really important meeting that was on your calendar, go ahead and say “that hurts.” That’s legitimate.
But then ask yourself, “What is a more generous explanation for their behavior?” Do they just not see the dishes or were they too exhausted to do them? Is their brain at maximum capacity with work demands, and even though they prayed for my meeting they just forgot to ask about it later?
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