Step #2: Assume they must not have known how it would make you feel, or else they wouldn’t have said/done it.
In the first step, you challenged the “He/she doesn’t care about me!” lie about your spouse’s motives. In the second step, you turn that lie on its head, and assume the opposite. Instead of assuming they don’t care, assume that they do – which means that if they had realized that this thing would hurt you, they wouldn’t have done it!
For example, suppose your teenager has been pushing all the boundaries, and you are trying to impose some discipline. As the situation escalates, you try to enlist the support of your spouse but you feel like they throw you under the bus instead.
If Step #1 is acknowledging your hurt, but looking for a more caring explanation for their behavior, then Step #2 means to approach your spouse with the assumption that they would NEVER have wanted to embarrass and undermine you in front of your teenager.
It might sound something like: “This action felt like ____ to me, and it hurt. I don’t think you realized that, or meant for it to come across that way. Can you help me understand how you did mean it to come across?”
This is all covered in much more detail on episode 2 of the Married with Benefits podcast, so give it a listen. (You’ll also find out exactly how things go in my house when dishes are in the sink and mail is piled on the counter. Ugh. Plus, host Brian Goins has a particular hot take on Lego bricks that I think all parents will enjoy. It involves “devil” and “Lego” in the same sentence.)
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