This is part 2 of a four-part series on how to root out a sneaky pattern called “learned helplessness” from our life and relationships. In , we described what this dynamic is and is not. In this part 2, we will look at how it tends to work in real life. In parts 3 and 4, we will offer practical steps to address it, and build a sense of resilience instead.
I described a (very abusive) 1960’s experiment in which dogs who endured shocks without being able to escape were more likely to endure a second round of shocks that they could escape. They were showing what the scientists called “learned helplessness.” While all the other dogs simply jumped over a low wall to get away from the second set of shocks, the “helpless” group endured it and didn’t even try to jump the wall – even though nothing was there to stop them.
In the years since, researchers have discovered that this dynamic affects every one of us to some degree or another. It may be running under the surface when we can’t seem to stop ourselves from watching that steamy movie – even though we know it’s probably not healthy for us. It may be in play when we throw up our hands and say to our spouse, “Fine, you do it your way,” because we assume they will never listen. It could be part of the reason why we feel sorry for ourselves at work, but still put up with a toxic boss.
Learned helplessness, if left unchecked, can end up derailing a life or a marriage.
There are many ways this plays out, many causes (for example, childhood trauma), and many different ways to address it – and a short blog series can’t do them all justice. But to get us started, let’s look at just one common real-life example of what learned helplessness might look like, and the big-picture solution.
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