Say this: “I know you didn’t mean to hurt me.”
Not that: “You’re always so insensitive (or forgetful, or selfish)!”
All of our survey results over the last twenty years confirm that most married couples care deeply about their spouse. Of course there are some sad outliers, but statistically this is close to airtight. In fact, in our nationally-representative surveys for The Surprising Secrets of Highly Happy Marriages 99.26% truly cared about their mate and wanted the best for them, even during painful times.
Thus, it’s probably also true that your spouse doesn’t mean to hurt you with:
• the careless comment made about you in front of the in-laws
• the dinner date he missed because his golf game went long
• the way she contradicted or corrected you in front of the kids
Using this “I know you didn’t mean to hurt me” phrase—both in your internal self-talk and your external talk—assumes the best in your spouse and seasons your speech with grace.
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