Say this: “Help me understand ____.”
Not that: “Why on earth did you ____?”
An example might bring the power of the phrase, “help me understand” to life. Imagine a married couple whose teenage son Steven got caught in childish, disruptive prank at school.
Wife (with hands on hips): “Why did you lift Steven’s grounding? You know I grounded him with good reason!”
Husband: “If you would ask me in a different way I might tell you. Anyway, who appointed you dictator of our home?” (Huffs outside to garage.)
Ugh. Mom’s on the warpath, dad’s on the defensive, and the really great reason for lifting Steven’s punishment goes entirely undiscussed. Now, imagine the conversation going this way:
Wife (trying to keep her voice even): “I was really startled when you lifted Steven’s grounding earlier. Help me understand what you were thinking on that.”
Husband: “The principal called me at work and said Steven volunteered to stay after school to organize supplies for the teacher whose class was disrupted by his prank. He also made an appointment to assure the principal it wouldn’t happen again. I was so proud of him. But I’m sorry—I should have talked to you before making the decision.”
A more generous explanation was there all along!
In marriage conflict (or any relationship conflict), the phrase “help me understand” assumes not only that a more generous explanation exists, but that we’re interested in finding it.
Being in “help-me-understand” mode doesn’t mean you shouldn’t express how you feel. But it leads into the discussion from a place of humility and curiosity.
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