Say this: “Are you done being mad yet?” (Or some other “inside” phrase.)
You’ll notice the absence of a “not that” phrase. To explain, I’ll get personal for a minute. When Jeff and I are in conflict he is more likely to withdraw to need time to process his anger, while I am more likely to pursue a quick resolution. In the early years of marriage, as he withdrew, I would stew. And sometimes, rather than acknowledging his need for space to think, I would follow him around and state my case. With feeling.
It didn’t go well!
Today, though, we have a way of coming back together—and this concept (not these particular words) is common among the happiest marriages. For us, the way it works is: Jeff will withdraw to process … and then at some point he will come back and say, “Are you done being mad yet?”
Now. That phrase might send some couples straight into orbit! But for us, it’s an inside joke. It dials the temperature down, and acknowledges that the issue may still be there, but we’re not going to let it get us down. It tells us: “we’re okay.”
One of my friends lets her husband off the hook when they’re in conflict in this way: If he is searching for words (because he’s processing) he’ll usually say something like, “What I’m trying to say is ….” and then his sentence will trail off. Often she’ll finish his sentence by quipping, “you’re madly in love with me.”
They laugh. And it’s his cue that he can break away from the intensity of the moment to think about his response.
Do you have a shared “inside” phrase or action that can help interrupt the intensity? Identify it, agree that it’s ok to use it (in other words, one of you isn’t hurt by it), and then use it when conflict looms.
And now, it’s your turn. What conflict-defusing phrases are in your marital playbook? What do you say in the heat of an argument that helps alleviate pressure? I’d love to hear from you, so please send me your comments.
Improve your relationships with simple, actionable steps backed by proven research! Visit
SurprisingHope.com to learn about our courses.
Do you want Shaunti to share these life-changing truths at your church or event? Send
us a speaking inquiry request today!
Ad-Free & Subscriber Log-In