Step 2: Listen. Really, just listen.
My conversion moment on this came when I was in the middle of three years of conducting and analyzing the research and data for the For Parents Only project.
My daughter, then between the years of age 6 and age 9, would sometimes melt down over insecurities or fears that people didn’t like her. Often, I would urge her to just cheer up. Even worse (face palm) I would try to help her reason her way out of her emotional tailspin. (“Look at all the people who do like you, sweetheart!”)
Meanwhile, in the research, we started hearing from all these tweens and teens about how they just wanted someone to listen to their feelings. It took me a few years but eventually something clunked into place in my brain.
So, sure enough, next time my daughter flopped emotionally down on her bed, I pulled back my tendency to say, “Snap out of it drama queen” (because that would have been helpful), and I just listened. I asked her to tell me how it felt when so-and-so said such-and-such at school. And I listened. I asked her a few more questions about her feelings. And I listened.
As she started to calm down, inside I was thinking, Wow this really does work!
It’s so important to listen to what your child is saying and, more than that, to how they’re feeling. For example, let’s say they’re stressed because they had the flu two weeks ago, missed some school, and feel unprepared for the math exam on Friday. Are they feeling overwhelmed? Inadequate? Frustrated? Knowing how they’re feeling is just as important as why they’re feeling it (and can equip you with the knowledge required to help later on).
It’s instinctual to want to jump into fix-it mode, but that’s not what they need most. It can slide into an argument or shutting down. (This is true with our spouses, too. Look back on my blog 5 Powerful Ways to Stop Arguments Before They Start for ideas on how to handle tense moments in that department.)
To get a sense for what might be going on under the surface, here are two tools. First, if you have littles, my friend and former senior editor Katie Kenney Phillips wrote a beautiful book—and a guest blog—on helping young children understand their feelings. You’ll love her children’s book, Today I Feel Like a Jelly Donut, A Book About Emotions. And if you have older tweens and teenagers, pick up a copy of For Parents Only: Getting Inside the Head of Your Kid, which is based on that research study of thousands of teens and tweens.
I’ll be back next week with three more steps that will really help you calm a stressed child. The last step is something we tend to do first. (But it’s last for a reason, so make sure to come back to discover what it is and why.)
Improve your relationships with simple, actionable steps backed by proven research! Visit
SurprisingHope.com to learn about our courses.
Do you want Shaunti to share these life-changing truths at your church or event? Send
us a speaking inquiry request today!
Please note: This post contains affiliate links. As an Amazon Associate we earn a small
amount from qualifying purchases through these affiliate links. This doesn’t cost you
anything.
Ad-Free & Subscriber Log-In