What Your Husband Is Really Thinking When He Wants Sex

2. “When you aren’t as interested in sex as I am, it makes me feel undesirable.”  

Now, there’s a flip side of that positive feeling—and it, too, is something many of us also miss. It is so easy for a husband to assume that the only reason his wife is “tired” is that she just doesn’t find him desirable. And that is a pretty depressing feeling. But so many hurt feelings are diminished when both partners realize that a perceived lack of interest is often the result of different desire types, not a lack of desire! 

 For those with what is called initiating desire, the feeling of desire arrives up front. Our research shows that this is felt by men (59%) more than twice as often as women (24%).  Meanwhile, for those with receptive desire (which is felt by 73% of women!), the feeling of desire is experienced later in sexual engagement.  

 So much healing can come for couples in this area simply by understanding the very real differences in play. Tune in to our Common Questions Couples Have About Sex podcast episode(which also dropped this week) with our Secret of Sex & Marriage coauthor, Dr. Michael Sytsma—and listen together as a couple if you can.