1. Get a sense for where the person is coming from.
Remember that who you are talking to is just as important as the content of the conversation. It could be, as you sit in the bleachers at your kids’ practice, that the fellow sports-parent who raises this topic just learned that one of their children wants to transition. It could be that your colleague is happily gay and annoyed by people who assume he also wrestles with gender identity. It could be that the woman who brings this up in your new bible study left an abusive husband and is very sensitive to the church standing against misogyny and the damaging idea that gender differences are an excuse for bad behavior (“boys will be boys”).
Before we open our mouths and share our opinion with someone, it defuses a lot of defensiveness and creates a much better space for listening and conversation, when we first get a sense for them. For example, we could do one or more of these helpful things:
- Get curious: “Everyone is in a different place on this. I’m curious what you”
- Acknowledge the emotions and the climate: “I know there are lot of different emotions and beliefs around this topic today, and we may have different opinions about it.”
- Empathize: “I’m so sorry that you’ve experienced that discrimination as a woman in business; that’s just so wrong.”
- Find common ground: “I know we both care about fairness and respect for everyone.”
- Agree where we can: “Yes, everyone is an individual, and culture shapes us a lot.”
- Avoid creating false either/or distinctions (such as “it’s all biology” or “it’s all culture”) and instead reply with something like, “For sure, differences come from both nature and nurture.”
Where we have strong beliefs (including those formed by our understanding of science and scripture), we must have equally strong love and compassion for those we are speaking with. Everyone has a story, and we don’t know what is going on behind the scenes in their heart and in their home.
A compassionate and curious approach creates some room for the next points.
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