Private Revelation and Divine Facepalm

So I went on a silent retreat this weekend. Trust me, you’re not as shocked as I was. But I went anyway, and over the course of 42 excruciatingly silent hours, God and I had the following conversation:

Friday, 9:10 pm

God: “You have a great capacity for love.”

Me: “What? Er, uh, thanks, God, but You know it terrifies me when You give me compliments.”

God: “Let me rephrase that. I have given you a great capacity for love.”

Me: “Oh. Um. Thank You? For that gift? Or, I mean…am I missing something, here?”

Saturday, 8:45 am

God: *smacks me upside the head with the Parable of the Talents*

Me: “OH!  I’m burying my capacity talent in distraction and selfishness. That sucks. I’m really sorry, God. So I should use the capacity talent that You gave me better, and love You by loving everyone…better?”

God (using Sam Rocha’s voice): “Make your eggs with love.”

Saturday, 2:30 pm

Me: “So, when You say ‘make my eggs with love’, You mean I should just concentrate on loving my kids? Or are You being metaphorical – like, “make eggs” for everyone I meet, because that’s a little way to love them?”

God: “Who do you  make eggs for every morning?”

Saturday, 6:05 pm

Me: “Is this a trick question? Or a test — am I supposed to figure out who I *should* be ‘making eggs’ for? And are we talking real life, like in Ave, or the inter-world, or both? Or You, God? Is that it? Do you mean I should ‘make eggs’ for You? You’re not even corporeal. I don’t even know how that would play out metaphorically, much less in real — “

God: *clubs me over the head with Ephesians 5* “Your husband, dummy! Make his literal eggs with love.”

Me: “Huh?”

Saturday, 8:45 pm

Me: “oh.” *walks outside in a daze, stares blankly at the palm trees in the dark* “OH! Make my husband’s eggs with love!”

*actual fireworks light up the sky*

Sunday, 9:15 am

Me: “Thanks for the talk, God. Sorry it took me a while to get it.”

God: “That’s alright, kid. Private revelation is kind of an inefficient means of communication for the spiritually dense. The song lyrics were a last-ditch effort…this was easier when I used to light bushes on fire. No one got all meta with burning foliage.”