Why I Hate Bill Gothard

And in spite of her trying to separate herself from the boys, boys there would accuse her of smiling at them, and she was called an “adulterous woman” (based off Proverbs 7). She was forced to fast for, at times, full days.   And when she came back? After a week, Gothard accused her of being too lazy. He sent her to his “EQUIP” program, where she was never left alone, even in the restroom, except for a carefully timed shower.  She was forced to miss several meals; she was interrogated by the leadership there; she was often locked in her room, berated for hours, not allowed to disagree, was called a “hore,” engaged in 10-12 hours of manual labor a day (without pay), lost several dress sizes, had her room regularly raided for “unapproved” items (which included letter from friends, pictures of family, and toiletries), had her mail opened and read before delivery, saw her friends being interrogated about her (pressured, often, to lie about her in order to be dismissed), and…told Gothard about this. And he, in response, refused to change anything (as it was all his program to begin with) and reminded her, again, how much he was helping her family.  As she put it:

I celebrated my twentieth birthday hidden in a room on the ninth floor, refusing to come out of hiding or even to get meals because of the tremendous pressure and fear of interrogation from leadership.

Later, in her last month there, Gothard came to visit and noticed she looked, in his words, as if the light was gone from her eyes and she had “given ground to Satan.” The cause? He said it was her attraction to a boy. After finding she was, indeed, mutually attracted to a boy:

We were both locked up immediately and left with no food or outside contact for days as you [Gothard] decided what to do with us.

And then, at the end of it? Gothard kicked them out, giving them three hours to leave. He forced her family to leave the home he had provided for them. And he put all the blame and guilt for this on her.

I was angry.  But the worst part was the last bit. What she did with all the pain.

Near the end of her open letter, she says:

What you never told me was that God is attracted to brokenness.

You never told me that grace is something He gives me — a furious love that I cannot deserve — even if my hair is wrong or my smile isn’t bright or my heart is dirty.

And that is when I finally hated Bill Gothard. That was when the sadness and the anger turned beyond rage. I hope I never meet him, for both our sakes.

Because Heather doesn’t need “grace” to deserve to be in the world, and the entire reason she thinks she does is the damage he did to her. Why would someone need grace if their hair or smile isn’t to your fancy? And she is still saying her heart is dirty?

Gothard, you fucking goddamned bastard.

And, in addition to that, you ruined her long term life. Heather said the damage she experienced was permanent, something she hasn’t recovered from.

And then, near the end, she says that she forgives Gothard. Why?

You are forgiven for no other reason than that God has forgiven me much, therefore, I am compelled to forgive you.

See that? Compelled. It’s not like she wants to. She has to. Because she is such an awful person and is given so much grace to just, like exist…how could she say that Gothard is an awful person, too? She’s not “good” enough.

The Christianity she learned won’t even allow her to say what needs to be said to Gothard’s face. No. She is not an evil person in need of Grace from God because she is struggling from the guilt you laid on her for not being pretty or “humble” or pure enough, you sanctimonious bastard. Fuck no. She’s beautiful, you ugly creep.

And fuck you for stealing our family trust in the most important years of our lives.

Or that’s what I thought when I first read and posted the article:

….yeah.

And yes, I still hate Bill Gothard.

My childhood was beautiful in ways, but this has made me even more cynical. Maybe it’s a healthy cynicism. But the thought of what happened then, still infuriates me. And it’s close to me. So…that’s honestly how I feel.

Currently the situation is ongoing. Gothard’s organization, apparently, covered for him — in a clear result of the policy to take care of such occurrences in house to preserve the squeaky-clean image. Five women are suing the organization — not Gothard, but the entire organization — for $150,000. Each.

Bill Gothard himself has hung around Mike Huckabee, and Sarah Palin has allegedly attended his seminars. The Advanced Training Institute homeschooling program my parents follow (of which the Institute for Basic Life Principles is a part) currently is operating in seven states and eleven countries. It’s very much still going strong.  After an internal investigation (which one of the suing women astutely states that the organization is in no way qualified to give), Gothard has been relegated outside the Institute for Basic Life Principles as of last year (with, apparently, an open door for his return.  But Gothard was just the crafter of a deeply destructive, damaging system — the infrastructure of the Institute for Basic Life Principles is still intact.

Gothard’s response after the organization jettisoned him?

I respect and honor the board, and my number one goal right now … is to go back to the ones that I have offended and ask their forgiveness.

Thanks for reading.

Before you say:

“So, you left because you were a fundamentalist Christian — you would still be a Christian if you were a liberal Christian” read this.

“So, you chose atheism because you didn’t understand progressive Christianity” read this.

“So that’s the [only] reason you’re pissed off at Christianity” read this.

“See, this really doesn’t matter, because that’s not true Christianity” read this.

You can find my reaction to the Duggar incident here.