“Easy for you to say God.” my brain things. You know already the outcome. However, for all of us in the Church Militant, the worries of this world, they can crowd out the spiritual life. There isn’t enough time for everything, which means we should recognize when we reprioritize away from God.
It’s so easy. We put it on the list and let it drift through the day. I’ve had this happen enough times to know, if I don’t jump on prayer and the mass, it may become a non-thing.
God doesn’t keep count or score. He just longs for us to long for Him. I know this, so I do not worry so much as recognize that I am easily distracted. By my own brain, by life, by the whole world, I drift in my own thoughts. It can happen in an instant, and the phone and computer, ten kids, a job, volunteer work and all of everything encourage such wandering in the midst of writing, prayer, anything. God knows my heart’s longing better than me. He also knows I need nudges and hints and helps.
So I’ve restarted my “May I pray for you today?” ministry online.
Every day I write on Facebook, “May I pray for you today?” and make sure to do so for all who ask.
The asking of others makes it easier to act. My own needs feel dwarfed by the crosses I see others carrying. It gives me perspective.
Lately, I’ve wondered if I am called to be a writer, because the writing has become less of a need, and more of a demand. I am demanding that I write, like I force myself to walk 12K on my fitbit. The inspiration for the deeper reality that normally demanded I type stories every day, isn’t there. So everything I write feels either stale or forced.
Meanwhile, the teaching has become a constant hum, with me thinking part of how you know what you’re supposed to do, is by the hallmarks God leaves you –rather like spiritual breadcrumbs so you can find your way to your spiritual home. I have to wonder, does God want me to let go of this in favor of something else? It’s scary even asking that. Except I know, I need to pray and hope and not worry. I also know, whatever I do, I should do with a full heart and as much warmth as possible, and God will work through it.
At the same time, I’m reading and there’s a constant theme in the lives of saints, of being distracted or deterred or tempted by the idea of abandoning what is right and that persistence is what is required. So I don’t know. I remember praying hard in the Year of Saint Paul, to be a writer like Saint Paul. I wrote the whole story in a sprawling notebook while waiting for him to get open heart surgery in 2008.
Then I wrote and wrote and wrote, for the past sixteen years. The words seemed to flow out endlessly and effortlessly.
Now, I’m a mom of a sixteen year old, and watching him attempt to handle high school, it’s hard to put into words what I can and can’t do. I see him waving to people, and pray they wave back. Hearing people talk to him, the prayer is always the same, “Be warm.” “Please be warm.” All I want for them is to be kind. All I want from him, is to not do something that will erode their desire to be kind.
It’s like walking an invisible tightrope emotionally in every encounter. You’re hoping people treat him like he’s about to be sixteen. At the same time, you’re hoping that he acts as close as possible to sixteen, and then remember, what if he acts like a bad teen? You don’t want bad behavior excused, and yet you hope people understand if he isn’t as good as you hope.
Being a mom of a teen with Down Syndrome, you spend a lot of time trying to find a place they’ll fit for longer than their teen years. Will he be able to play sports, have a hobby, have a job, after school finishes? That’s the worry. Will we be around when he’s twenty-five, thirty-seven, fifty-five? Older? That “pray, hope and don’t worry,” is an act of faith like no other.
Both parenting and writing require acting when you feel dry. Write, parent, pray, persist, hope and don’t worry.
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