So President Elect Trump wants to rename the Gulf of Mexico the Gulf of America.
As an American, I feel I must apologize. So here goes:
I’m sorry Mexico, the Goof of America is busy illustrating how big the gulf is between his understanding of the world and the rest of the known world.
However investigators here at Chocolate for Your Brain scoured the District of Columbia to find out what other name changes are under consideration. These are mere proposals by various flunkies, toadies and mental ramoras who wish to work in the upcoming administration in some capacity, and come with the expected lavish appointments for which the individuals are unqualified, and the subsequent hyperbolic praise without substance we’ve come to know and expect.
10) Soft Shell Crab: We’re Americans and aparently, we need to constantly assure the rest of the world that we are not soft, so we’re going to be the Hard Sell Crabs. Even when we’re squishy, we pinch.
9) Happy Meals: We aren’t a happy people right now, but the incoming President doesn’t do merely happy. He wants hyperbole beyond what we experience in the normal course of life.So as a matter of policy, these shall be named, “Supreme Amazing Fabulous Beautiful Beautiful Meals. Really incredibly beautiful meals. Unbelievably beautiful meals,” until further notice. Consumption of said meals has been endorsed as a do-it-yourself endorphin based on name alone by the incoming proposed director of Health and Human Services.
8) Wicked –Remember, our new establishment doesn’t want any negative connotations about the US, including any and all exported entertainment, so Wicked shall be rechristened, Really Not So Bad.
7) Superbowl –now this establishment already meets the hype and tenor and importance our new President wants from any and all things, but because this name is now 59 years old, it needs a bit of a rebranding, if you will to its normal over the top hypeness. Supreme Bowl sounds like a dessert, and Supurb Bowl, too erudite to be marketable. So Super Super Super, kind of like how Mattress Mack used to say “Sofa Sofa Sofa” is the name of choice or possibly, in an attempt to illustrate the number of years this game has taken place, “Super, super, super, super, super, super, super super, super, super, super, super, super, super, super, super, super, super, super, super, super, super, super, super, super, super, super, super, super, super, super, super, super, super, super, super, super, super, super, super, super, super, super, super, super, super, super, super, super, super, super, super, super, super, super, super, super, super, super, superbowl!” Fifty-nine supers for anyone who felt like not counting. Corporate sponsorship available for each and every one of the supers preceding #59. Cost is exponential based on where in the name, your super ranks.
6) One dollar bills and all change that is less than one dollar –we don’t need that anymore. It’s small potatoes, small time, petty cash. We are going to start with the ten dollar bill, because anything less is unworthy. The proposal that certain executives might find themselves on the currency is under review, but Musk approved.
5) The Trump Tower will now be the Trump Tower of Power, and all security there will be Trump Tower Power Rangers TM. No word on if they will dress in gold ninja outfits or come together to operate a giant samurai robot to help the Space Force battle potential UFOS.
4) Remember how Sony bought the Queen catelog for 1.2 billion? Well, the incoming commander in chief wants the band to retroactively change its name to his, because it would then flatter him more. Plus, he could then engage in more of those freestyle dance moves he revealed at his campaign stop in Pennsylvania. Everybody, “Y.M.C.A!”
3) The game of Hearts will have to adjust some of the vocabulary used in playing the game. No longer will one trump in…because taking hearts in that game is a bad thing. It’s rumored that he wants people to Biden in. Additionally, the Trump administration is requiring a fifth suit, a golden suit. An unnamed source caught the incoming President’s hot mike on the subject, “They’re golden T’s because everybody loves that design, I designed it, it’s perfect which if you play the King of T’s, it’s me. If you play them, you win.”
This proposal has met with some resistance because Elon wanted them to be Suit X.
2) Tax breaks for loyalty. This is a pay for play administration, and homage to the establishment, or at least his vanity, is the sole soul price. Naming rights (not prima nocte but he wouldn’t say no), is the going rate for Wales or at least, Washington, DC.
1) Federal Lands and Parks will be up for corporate sponsorship provided the new names are approved by the existing administration, kind of like the college bowl playoff games. So we could see the Starbucks Grande Canyon Viewpoint or the Niagra Viagra Falls, or the Golden Arch of Saint Louis if corporations play ball.
Addendum, I also apologize about wanting to annex Greenland. My guess is, he thinks the green means money, or that he heard that there are unemployed giants there that specialize in fighting groups for local charities.
Praying we somehow come to a better place, but in the meantime, occasional satire may help us bear it. Pray for conversion of all hearts. Amen.
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