Phoenix, AZ – Due to recent, inane squabbles and accusations lofted at Reformed Baptist pastor, author, and speaker, James White has decided to change his last name in order to avoid potential accusations of “white privilege.”
However, this has been much more difficult for White, given the pejorative connotations to virtually every color in the spectrum. “I want to be very careful this time around, since my parents were obviously not thinking of the innocuously vacillating cultural tides in our day. We definitely know that these things aren’t going away at all and that you can’t speak the gospel into these types of situations.”
Thus far, White has been able to rule out all Primary and Secondary colors for his new last name. In a daring move, he has started his Twitter account up again to take in suggestions from impartial Tweeters, who have narrowed it down to three choices:
- James Magenta
- James Chartreuse
- James “CMYK” Coogi
Unfortunately, because of how color theory works, James is left in virtually the same scenario as previously; all tertiary colors and CYMK breakouts in Coogi sweaters find their common roots in Primary and Secondary colors.
UPDATE: Due to this series of unfortunate events, White has further been labeled a misogynist for not choosing feminine colors, a patriarchal pig for saying certain colors are feminine, a bigot for excluding some colors on the basis of prejudice, and a pontificating, obtuse, high-browed scoundrel who is trying so hard to mystify his text-critical arguments so people just take his word for it.
This story has been brought to you by the KJV-Onlyist-the-Loneliest Foundation.
Editorial Note: This post, like all of the other posts in the Satire section of our webpage, are fake and exist for no other purpose than to you make you laugh.
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