James White Changing Last Name to Avoid Accusations of “White Privilege”

James White Changing Last Name to Avoid Accusations of “White Privilege” April 1, 2016

White
Image Credit: James White – Technicolor – 2011 MCTS at aomin.org

Phoenix, AZ – Due to recent, inane squabbles and accusations lofted at Reformed Baptist pastor, author, and speaker, James White has decided to change his last name in order to avoid potential accusations of “white privilege.”

However, this has been much more difficult for White, given the pejorative connotations to virtually every color in the spectrum. “I want to be very careful this time around, since my parents were obviously not thinking of the innocuously vacillating cultural tides in our day. We definitely know that these things aren’t going away at all and that you can’t speak the gospel into these types of situations.”

Thus far, White has been able to rule out all Primary and Secondary colors for his new last name. In a daring move, he has started his Twitter account up again to take in suggestions from impartial Tweeters, who have narrowed it down to three choices:

  1. James Magenta
  2. James Chartreuse
  3. James “CMYK” Coogi

Unfortunately, because of how color theory works, James is left in virtually the same scenario as previously; all tertiary colors and CYMK breakouts in Coogi sweaters find their common roots in Primary and Secondary colors.

UPDATE: Due to this series of unfortunate events, White has further been labeled a misogynist for not choosing feminine colors, a patriarchal pig for saying certain colors are feminine, a bigot for excluding some colors on the basis of prejudice, and a pontificating, obtuse, high-browed scoundrel who is trying so hard to mystify his text-critical arguments so people just take his word for it.

This story has been brought to you by the KJV-Onlyist-the-Loneliest Foundation.

 


Editorial Note: This post, like all of the other posts in the Satire section of our webpage, are fake and exist for no other purpose than to you make you laugh.

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What Are Your Thoughts?leave a comment
  • Tarrence

    Why? It mentions God’s grace

  • Jeff S

    How about James #FFFFFF?

    • Grayson

      Hahahaha, or maybe LAB? Glad to see another color nerd!

  • Trey

    I feel sorry for those that do not understand this XD in relevance to what day it is.

  • brother in Christ

    Not funny

  • Paul Cox

    No! No! No!
    James the Just.
    That’s right, Just White.

  • Kevin

    The least offensive option would be to add a hyphenated middle name. James Non-White would be acceptable to the most left leaning critic.

  • Darin

    I can’t believe James Brown didn’t come to mind!

    • Ken

      Well, he does feel good. But he knew that he would, now.

  • Merc2420

    What about James Light – or James Black (it holds all colors) or James Prism (projecting light into multuple colors masculine and feminine)

  • Jeff Hagan

    LOL! I love this. How did I miss it bro? 🙂