Don’t Objectify Your Friends

Last week I wrote about Friendship Evangelism, a technique for evangelism that I was taught in college lo these many years ago, and that is still around. I was prompted by a wiki page on fifteen steps to persuade a Christian to become an atheist, a page I found kind of creepy; but my point wasn’t to criticize the atheists involved, but to reflect that if I find it creepy when they do it, they probably find it creepy when we do it. I went on from there to talk about friendship evangelism and what I’ve seen of it.

That post garnered a thoughtful response from an atheist who identifies himself as “Godless Poutine”. He suggests that I mischaracterized the wiki page. I had said:

It explains how to befriend somehow with the express purpose of destroying their faith in God. Really, it’s kind of creepy: to befriend someone, and to try to become their close friend, not because of shared interests or mutual liking, but with the intention of changing them.

In fact, as he notes, the wiki page starts off with a friendship of some sort already in place. So I was painting with a bit of a broad brush; mea culpa. What the wiki actually says is,

Think about your friendship. Are the two of you close? If not, try to increase your friendship before attempting to change their religious beliefs.

(Emphasis mine.) This is the problem statement: you are instructed to “increase your friendship” with the aim of changing your friend, and it’s this that I find creepy: that your goal in increasing your friendship isn’t because of the joy you take in your friend.

Poutine goes on,

I honestly think the wiki is about trying to bring existing friends towards a more rational view of reality.

And I accept that; Aquinas says that everyone is always seeking some real good. I deny, of course, that atheism is necessarily more rational than theism; and I also see no conflict between acquiring a deeper friendship with Christ and acquiring a more rational view of reality.

But that’s not at issue here—what’s at issue is ways and means. Poutine wants to bring people to a more rational view of the world; I want to bring people to know Jesus Christ. How can I do this—or, more correctly, how can I contribute to this, because the Holy Spirit is the true actor—while respecting them as persons?

I think that last phrase is the key: “while respecting them as persons”.

My friend said to me, many years ago, “I don’t understand. If Jesus loves me as I am, why are you trying to change me?” And as I noted last week, that stopped me. I had no answer. I was trying to change her; I was treating her as an object, as an ingredient in my project to be the sort of person who shares his faith and brings others to the Lord. But that doesn’t mean that the question has no answer.

First of all, it’s not unreasonable to want to change people, at least under certain circumstances. I’m the father of four children. It is my vocation as a father to guide them as they grow, to “raise” them, to teach them so that in time they become mature, responsible adults, and when necessary, to give them reason to change their behavior. This isn’t an imposition on them; it doesn’t mean I am disrespecting them as persons. On the contrary, it’s the duty I owe to them as my children.

One’s children are a special case; but I think it’s always reasonable to want to see others grow and mature. Poutine wants to see others become more rational rather than less; this is growth. I want the same; and I also want to see them grow in the friendship of Jesus Christ, who is our true end and for whom we were created. It’s not really about trying to change people; it’s about encouraging them to grow to the full stature of what it means to be human, to be all that they were meant to be. It’s about loving them enough to want to help them be all that they were meant to be.

So the first thing is for me to recognize that it’s not my job to change my friend. Any conversion that might result is between her and the Holy Spirit. This point immediately takes the heat off of both of us. My friend might choose to change; and by not trying to take that choice away from her I am respecting her dignity as a person.

The second thing is that ulterior motives are to be avoided. Jesus works in the light, not in secret. If I’m taking secret steps to try to bring someone closer to Christ, I’m most likely doing it wrong.

Third, Christ should be apparent in my life, should be there to be seen. If not, I’ve got growing to do myself. (I’ve always got growing to do myself.)

Fourth, I don’t see anything creepy in wanting to see someone grow and mature and be all that they can and should be. And as I believe, that involves growing toward Christ. I want to encourage that all I can, as best I can, with everyone I meet. (The best way for me to do that is, ahem, an on-going topic of research. I do not claim to be doing it well, or in many cases, at all.)

The key is to avoid objectification and manipulation of our friends. On that, I expect that Poutine and I agree.