4 things every wife desires from her husband.

4 things every wife desires from her husband. March 20, 2014

wedding couple holding hands

I recently wrote a post about the 4 things every husband desires from his wife, which generated a lot of discussion, and many have asked for a follow up addressing those things wives desire from their husbands. Since I’m a guy, I’m clearly not any kind of expert on what women think or desire, so I asked my amazing wife, Ashley (who was the inspiration behind the first post), and she gave me some very wise insights to share with you.

Husbands, let’s rise to these challenges and love our wives well! Your marriage not only impacts your wife, but your children and future generations. By how you love your wife, you are teaching your sons how to treat women and you are teaching your daughters what they should expect from men. Let’s commit to giving our wives and families our very best!

This is not a comprehensive list, but here are four things most women desire from their husbands:

1. Open, honest, consistent communication.

Communication does for a marriage what breathing does for your lungs. Be willing to turn off ESPN and put your iPhone down and engage in meaningful conversation. Never hide anything from her! Build a foundation of trust, honesty and open communication. Every one of your words and every action is either building more of her trust or eroding her trust in you. Remove distractions and make communication a high priority.

For more tools to help you build communication, trust and sexual intimacy in your marriage, check out my new book “The 7 Laws of Love” by clicking here.

#7lawsoflove Seven Laws of Love quote Dave Willis husband wife two wings same bird

2. Protection (Physical, emotional and financial protection).

You should be the one who wipes away your wife’s tears; not the one who causes them! Develop the discipline to work hard inside and outside the home to make your wife feel like the safest and most secure woman on earth. Have the courage to fight for your family and the faith to recognize that you need a power greater than your own. The Bible challenges us by saying…“Don’t be afraid of the enemy! Remember the Lord, who is great and glorious, and fight for your brothers, your sons, your daughters, your wives, and your homes!” (Nehemiah 4:14)

For a collection of our marriage ebooks, daily marriage-building resources and some communication tools to keep you and your spouse connected, download our new Marriage App for iPhones and iPads by clicking here. A Facebook login is required to access the app.

marriageapp dave willis itunes

3. Your time. (Both “quality time” and “quantity time”)

Time is the “currency” of relationships, so invest as much time as you can into your marriage. You need to make money, but don’t use your career as an excuse to be absent. When you are home, be present, not distracted or glued to a screen. Work hard, but also remember that your family can do with less of almost anything if it means having more of you.

Dave Willis quotes quote be there for loved ones

4. Continuous pursuit.

For most of us, we gave our wives the best we had in the very beginning, but just like a cable TV company that offers their best package, pricing and service at the beginning and then changes all the rules after the “promotional period” expires, many of us have stopped giving our wives the best of ourselves. We’ve allowed romance to fade. Our wives need and deserve our continued adoration, thoughtfulness and love. Give her your very best each an every day!

Dave Willis never stop flirting with spouse quote

For more tools to help you build a rock-solid marriage, check out my new book “The Seven Laws of Love: Essential Principles for Building Stronger Relationships” and you can also download our new Marriage App on iTunes by clicking here.


For additional tools, you can also connect with me on Facebook and connect with me on twitter by clicking here.

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  • Great stuff Dave! Always enjoy your posts. I whole heartly agree with #1. Technology can be a huge distraction to our relationships.


  • Jocelyn R.

    You have no idea how happy it makes me to see this article. I always see the ones that talk about what the wife should be doing, but not so much the other way around. Thank you!

  • Amen!! So right!

  • Oh my word yes!! If only my husband would be willing to be my husband….

  • Mark

    This is totally true except in the case where the wife/gf/fiance/significant other is constantly doing all of these things but expects these actions still from her man. These and the what a husband expects article go both ways for a relationship to work.

  • Cecilia Ellis

    What I want most from my husband is 1. Time 2. Attention. 3. Affection &

    4. closeness!

    I am a touchy feely person. I need his touch!

  • Wendy

    Knowing that some one knows how I think a women should be treated have made my day ,I taught I was alone with my ideals of how a husband should be. I wish my husband can give me half of this ! Thanks

  • Cassie

    I think #2 is the most important to me. I agree that these are the top 4 most important! Great Job!

  • Alex Jones

    Couldn’t agree more. Marriage is a two way street and too many men turn and go the wrong way after the honeymoon phase is over. What happened to sending your wife flowers just because. Or making sure she got home safe or work safe just because you care. Why watch tv when you have a beautiful woman sitting beside you waiting for attention? How does a real man call himself a man when all he is concerned with is his own road? Sit back and take a look around at what all your wife does for you and do the same because trust me she deserves it more than you realize. And if you don’t do it and one day you wake up alone looking for the answer to why. Look in the mirror and you will have your answer.

  • joyce

    Agree!! I juz share it wif my husband… tks a lot… 🙂

  • Kimberly Reed

    You were right I’m encouraged…

  • Some poor soul on the corner of a rooftop

    These “be nice, try harder” jabs really sting when you’re living with someone with a majorly destructive personality disorder. You can, and I have, done these things all day long, and it’s a one way soul sucking sponge, just waiting for the next explosion, listening to disgust and contempt directed at her self, family, friends and especially you. We love to preach at the self absorbed oaf man, while pretending the evil contemptious brawling woman who tears down her house with her own hands doesn’t exist. And don’t just say ‘well, generally…” because scripture does NOT support this one sided attribution of relationship problems.

  • Nerissa

    Totally Agree!

  • Michele

    Thank you for this. Good stuff!

  • Rebecca

    I am suffering from major depression, due to lack of things in my marriage. My husband works at night and sleeps during the day and his days off he watches television or face books, while I’m left to deal with the kids and household issues. I’m always tired and can’t stay up at night to spend time with him. I am still deeply in love with my husband, but wish he would give me signs he’s still interested in our marriage.

  • To make it work thats all we need!

  • I think you made people stop commenting

    To the person who posted the rant above… You are a fun ruiner… This is a light hearted short blog… And you decide this is the appropriate place to spout off about your very complicated relationship problems?!?! Do you see a problem? I think you’re taking you anger out against the internet… I do think that’s better than physically taking it out on a someone! You really need a hug.

    P.S. These are my top 4!

  • Brenda

    Spot on!

  • Jessie

    Mark, men are meant to lead women. We don’t enter marriages to give each other what we deserve, but to form a Christ-like union and give each other more grace, compassion, love, and respect than either of us really do deserve. The man sets the tone for the marriage and family. Don’t ask yourself what she can do to make you feel more fulfilled. Instead, ask yourself if there is anything at all YOU can do to improve the relationship and if your motives are God centered. Lead by example. Pray for her heart. No matter how long it takes to see improvement on the other end.

  • Angela Ford

    I think a lot of men forget who their wife is after 14 years of marriage. I feel sometimes my husband forgets I’m his wife when he starts treating me like a maid. I do a lot around the house and my husband must be to blind to see what I do for him at home. I don’t work because of health reasons.

  • Chrissy

    A woman needs to feel as she is number one always…not like she is constantly being compared to adult film stars or other people! She wants to be shown she is always the one you want and often needs to hear the words.

  • This is so very true. As a woman and a widow I can tell you that my last 10 years of marriage were more like living with a very demanding roommate than a husband. These points are right on the money!

  • Lyn

    I am so sorry for your situation and I truly do know of some women like that. I have prayed for years for my husband to do the things listed here and he has slowly come around. We have grown closer to one another only as we grow closer to our Lord and try to live out His Word in our marriage. My sister threw away a 30 plus year marriage to a man who was close to sainthood for putting up with her. She is mentally ill (I am not into psychiatry) and I believe it is a demonic oppression. As the spiritual head of your household, take YOUR authority over the evil spirits trying to destroy your home and family. Read the Word and speak it over your home, pray over your wife , anoint a prayer cloth and place under her pillow, pray that the Lord will give her the mind of Christ and that she will be a Proverbs 31 woman with her heart toward her home, with a gentle and quiet spirit which is pleasing in the sight of the Lord. I pray for your heart and mind to be at peace, confident in God’s Word and the power of His Holy Spirit that is in you to fight the good fight of faith, with weapons of warfare given to us by God. We wrestle NOT against flesh and blood and your wife is not the enemy, it is the demonic that has taken over her heart and mind. Perhaps there is something that has opened her up to this attack and taken over her personality.

    Philippians 4:5-7

    5 Let your gentleness be known to all men. The Lord is at hand.

    6 Be anxious for nothing, but in everything by prayer and supplication, with thanksgiving, let your requests be made known to God; 7 and the peace of God, which surpasses all understanding, will guard your hearts and minds through Christ Jesus.

    Thanks be to God who gives us the victory though our Lord Jesus Christ. Praying for you to hear the voice of the Holy Spirit as He guides you and teaches you what to do and say, and how to love your wife unconditionally as Christ loved the church and gave Himself for it and for your marriage to be totally healed in Jesus’ Name! May the Lord encourage and strengthen you and give you peace.

  • Anna T

    This is a great list. The number one thing I see missing is Touch. Never stop touching your wife. When physical contact ceases, it strains your relationship. Spending time together in the same room should be spent on the same piece of furniture. There are times for every woman, I’m sure, that they would rather be left alone but every woman needs her man to touch her. A 20 second hug can drop your blood pressure and make you feel happier. Cuddling eases depression and gives you a feeling of connection to your spouse. Last night, my husband slung his arm over to my side of the bed in his sleep and hit me in the face. It startled me and then I realized that I had an opportunity to touch him. I laced my fingers between his and he tightened his grip. It caused him to stir but in the light of the TV, I noticed him smiling. All it took was my touch. I was having a tough time falling asleep but once we were touching it was easy to drift off. We live in such a fast paced world where everyone is constantly on the go. And by the time you get to stop, you’re exhausted. It’s easy to neglect something as simple as touching your spouse. A peck on the cheek or on the lips and you think that’s enough. That’s touch, right? But it’s not enough. It’s the bare minimum. I’m not saying that we all need to be groped on a daily basis. But randomly sitting down next to us on the couch and wrapping an arm around us makes us feel good. It makes us feel safe and happy. It makes us feel loved. We aren’t just someone that you share a house with. We’re your mate. Don’t neglect to touch your spouse.

  • melissa saucedo

    Wow I guess Im one of the wife’s that was blessed with a husband who follows all four #blessed #inlove #ido

  • Brandy

    I am so sorry u live like that..it is just as likely a woman is abusive as a man & ur wife sounds verbally/mentally/emotionally abusive. I am a firm believer the bible does not OK divorce for anything other than adultery ; I am also a firm believer Christians are not doormats, and can&should leave an abusive marriage until the other party seeks help,permanently. I pray for wisdom & peace to guide ur heart & mind thru this..Amen.

  • Brandy

    I use to feel that way, and it turns out my husband wished I would just stop,put kids to bed earlier so I could sit down & watch TV with him. Now that’s what we do & things are just fine. While housework & kids are important, your marriage is most important.

  • Couldn’t agree more. Marriage is a two way street and too many women turn and go the wrong way after the honeymoon phase is over. What happened to blow jobs just because. Or making sure white castles or frozen pizza is in the freezer for him just because you care. Why watch chick flicks or the game show network when you have a strong handsome man sitting beside you waiting to go do something fun? How does a real woman call herself a woman when all she is concerned with is cheap attempts to get unwarranted attention? Sit back and take a look around at what all your husband does for you and do the same because trust me he deserves it more than you realize. And if you don’t do it and one day you wake up alone looking for the answer to why. Look in the mirror and you will have your answer.

  • Hilda Hidalgo

    I’ve been happily married for 32 years & I’m blessed that my husband follows all those rules.

  • Sarah

    I just seen this today for the very first time and I agree and love the message behind your site…How sweet! Thanks for being awsome !

  • heartbroken64

    My husband said our marriage failed after 26 yrs because I’m never happy.

    I have been sad for yrs yes because, he lives in his garage, often takes meal I cook to eat in garage by himself. He can make plans with friends but never makes plans with me. When I make them for us he usually complains he could be doing something else instead.

    He chooses pornography on internet instead of his wife.

    If you you feel your wife has a problem look at the big picture must be something going on.

  • heartbroken64

    Exactly …normal women can not live up to expectation of porn

  • Blessed Thru Perseverance

    For all of you suffering with a difficult marriage; I want to encourage you to hang on in prayer because God never fails! Sin is selfish, but Godliness is Giving.

    If you who is faithful will continue to intercede for your spouse, God will one day answer that prayer.

    My testimony is that my husband and are going on 30 years this August. We had some very rough, rocky roads that almost led us to a dead end several times. But I held firm to “Whatsoever God hath joined together, let no man put asunder”; and told The Lord that only HE could make the difference and fix our problems. After many years of praying, God has molded us into a COUPLE who desires God’s Will and truly love each other. For we only know how to love someone else when we truly love God first!

    Thank YOU, JESUS, for miracles!!

  • Melanie. Williams

    ‘veI completely agree. I only wish I could get my husband to realize just how much I LOVE him still. Even though writing are 1000 miles apart. He refuses to puck up his phone to speak to me . I have not heard his voice in over 3 months. All he does is text. And I cannot be sure it’s even him on the

    other end of those texts. I

  • sandsell

    I consideted is one of the consistent complains of every wife..i found my husband so sweet, romantic but wen we got married.everything change. Im not expecting him to shower me with presents i just want to make me feel my approval is also matter

  • Lori

    Wow Alex! You are spot on with this one. My husband and I have only been married for 2 years. I am not a priority in his life. His order of priorities is as follows: his 2 children, his mom and dad, his grandparents, his hobbies (hunting), sports, his job, his friends, then me. This is not an exaggeration. Any spare time he has is spent with his children, or in the woods with his friends. When he is at home, he sits and watches endless amounts of sports, or hunting channels. He will not even look at me when I am talking to him. Our relationship has started to feel more like a room mate situation, and it is extremely hurtful. We rarely have time for ourselves because we have his children from Sunday morning until Friday morning, and now he has started getting them every other weekend. When we do have time, I suggest we go out like we use to, and I get “Well, I was going to go to the woods today.” Or, “Well there is a game coming on that I want to see.” We pretty much live separate lives. I work outside the home, 50-60 hours per week. He works mostly from home, some travel. I come home at night, go straight to the kitchen to prepare dinner, doing laundry or some form of cleaning while dinner cooks. He stays outside playing basketball, or finds something to do to avoid alone time with me. I do ALL of the cooking, cleaning, and laundry – period. We no longer even go to bed together. I have a job that requires me to be up by 5:00AM, so I am ready to go to bed by 9 or 10 PM. He sits up until midnight or so watching TV. It’s very hurtful and frustrating. If I try to bring it up, he will get upset, and usually ends up yelling at me. Sorry for the lengthy post, lol, rant over.

  • Scott

    Thank you.

  • Leah

    This is awesome !!! My fiance and I really enjoy your emails. We are gettung married in October 2014 and I must say that I have been truly blessed to meet and get tomarry my best friend, he is truly amazing and we voth recognize tjat marriage takes work and effort, and you get out what you put in.

    Thank you again for all of your advice !

    The future Mrs. G

  • My wife totally agrees with the four statements : even after 7 years of pretty good marriage relationship in which I have tried my best to give her everything she has asked me for or ever wanted from me; I asked if she agreed with those statements and she said YES!!!

  • ash

    This applies to both husband as well as wifes, both should realize and understand the meaning of marriage, otherwise it will not work ,

    we get sound only when we clap with both the hands

  • Janell

    @ Lori. I have been married for four years and my heart breaks for you. I know all too well how that feels. For the first time in four years he is finally trying to make me a priority. Christian counseling helped us so much and alot of prayer.

  • Valerie

    I hit the jackpot with my husband because he is all of the above and more. We are first then our children and everyone else comes after. You and your husband/wife come first no buts about it. We have been married 3 years and together 7 and have yet to argue. We communicate very well.

  • Angel

    I really do enjoy reading your material. I try to put it into my everyday marriage life, but trying to explain in the simplest form to my husband about quality time only made him call me “selfish”, that “I never want to see him happy”, and yeah pretty much anything that could make a woman cry…

  • I wish my husband would read this. He just doesn’t care anymore so sad..

  • Christie

    I am blessed to have a husband who does all the above . He waited until he was 40 to get married because he only wanted a woman that would be his lifelong partner that showed mutual respect , hard work , and truly devoted wife to him and I am only because God took charge of my life and showed me where I should be.

  • Tim

    Wow! I have skimmed through the responses here and to be honest find the whole thing a tad disturbing. Jusr want to say that in my humble opinion respondibilty for ones happiness resides 100% with oneself (and no other husband/wife or partner can ever provide a peace and contentment that is your own responsibility). Marriage and relationships work, but only when you are complete as an individual. Quote ~ ‘love is the condition in which another persons happiness is essential to your own’.

  • Kevin Mwapongo

    God bless you for taking your quality time for others, this has been an inspiration to me. God help me to become one of the best possible husband to my wife. I have learnt a lot by reading this

  • LouAnn

    I had the same problem. My husband worked weeks away from home. I was busy raising kids. I later learned he wished I would come lay with him and me show an extra effort that I still loved him too. I layed with him, we talk all the way of his drive to and from work. I get lotion and massage his legs and feet. He likes all that. Since then, he makes more effort to give me attention and the things I need. “A woman sets the tone for the home”. My grandma used to say that. It is very true. My husband remarked that he took “the back seat” for 20 years. Our husbands need to be first before kids. You and he are a team. If you both are happy then everything else will fall into place.

  • Ash

    Just recently had to tell my husband that I was missing all these aspects in our marriage. I don’t know what else to do.

  • maylena

    If ur man changes the way he goes to work. Spends more time in the bathroom. Always texting on the phone or playing the video games and masterbates instead of trying to touch u than hes mostlikley talking or seeing someone else u need to get out b4 u get hurt

  • happy

    lol i know this was partly in jest in reference to a previous post, but its also right! the previous post was spot on too. the point is BOTH parties have to take the time to know what their spouse wants and do their best to give it to them! and to remember that men and women need different things. some men do want white castle and frozen pizzas! my man loves junk food and even tho i would rather a home cooked meal, i try to give it to him at least once a week. and more if he asks for it. he knows i need a ton of affection and he does an excellent job giving it to me. understanding is the key to a successful relationship, and you cant understand your spouse without communication. tell your spouse what you want, and listen to what they want!

    great list dave, this one and the one about what men need from their wives. your articles and posts are an inspiration and remind me to create a loving lasting relationship EVERYDAY, not just on birthdays, holidays and anniverseries.

  • Vivienne juraszek

    Very good advice.!!!

  • I wanted to say thank you for sharing this artical, it spoke to my heart .sadly I am seperated just one year after my marriage… My Husband doesn’t show me any sign of wanting to come back to me or he doe not call to communicate with me as to what he wants to do with our marriage… I feel I’m living on the fence and in limbo.. This is very very emotionally and mentally draining on me.. Please is you or anyone has any advice what I to do please share with me, thank you.. P.S. I am a Christian so scriptures will help as well..:)

  • Eric Green

    I’ve been with my wife for 22 years, I love her more than anything, I want to be with her every waking moment, except I have to work for a living, she tells me last night that I shouldn’t think that we have to be together all the time, so I’m assuming I’m smothering her, she says I’m not, but how else does one explain her comment, I do ALL 4 of these rules, maybe I do them too well.

  • Tiffanie Betters

    I agree I just wish my husband would aply this to our marriage.

  • Abby

    Lori, I understand how painful that is. My husband and I have had similar issues before, and still go over them sometimes. I hope things will get better in your marriage.

  • K

    IFinancial protection??? Really? That’s terribly disappointing not to mention outdated. financial Support From A spouse Us

  • Abby

    I agree with you on that also, touch really is so important.

  • K

    Financial support??? Really? How disappointing and outdated. That’s on my list of “Nothing To Do With How Happy He Makes Me”.

  • Dawn Brown

    Exactly! Well said, spot on!!!!

  • Nadia

    I’m with you. That’s exactly what I want. My husband works very hard, both at work and when he comes home. I would love to see the same kind of dedication and effort given to our marriage. I’ve reassured him that I’d prefer the time than more money.

  • Nadia

    That’s exactly the same message my husband and I heard at our Love Your Marriage class this past Monday–how to be a kingdom husband. The other half of the class was on how to be a kingdom wife. What a beautiful message! I certainly have some work to do. We both do.

  • Cat

    You need to light a fire under that chair he sits in, in front of the TV.. To often u hear pray or communicate but Sometimes you just have to take the big guns out and show some passion, some fire, get mad until you get your point across that u need attention too.. It’s ok to get mad, get loud, be obnoxious.. Women and men get comfortable and forget when we first met.. I’m sure if u got all dolled up out of the blue he would take some notice while he watching the Tv.. Try it…Fire it.. Passion it.. Just like the mom with two babies she will feed the one who is crying first.. Get noticed and trust me they always notice.

  • Buckeye Dave

    I eagerly anticipate the other 96 things that a wife wants from her husband.

  • Adelita

    My marriage has failed all of the above and its only been two years.

  • oddeth

    This is so true, this is exactly what we need. Your wife is really amazing Dave, you guys are so lucky to have each other. God bless you both and your family. Looking forward to reading more posts like this.

  • Tammy

    This could not be more accurate. Well said. Thank you.

  • brandi

    Since starting to read your posts and applying them to my marriage, my marriage has been Amazing. He gives me butterflies again and again. Last night we fell asleep in each others arms and I listened to the beat of his heart and noticed when I moved my hand his heartbeat sped up and as soon as it stopped it went back to normal and he held me a little tighter and kissed my forehead. Thank you I will show him this one as well

  • Karl

    According to this, either I fail as a husband or I never should have married. Due to poor decisions, lack of opportunity, and just bad luck we have lived a hand-to-mouth existence for our 22 years of marriage. Financial security? PLEASE! For me that has been a pipe dream! Does my wife love me less or feel insecure in the marriage? NO!!!

    Granted things could have been better, but money isn’t everything. She knows I work hard and try. She knows I do the best I can. She knows I am faithful. So the money aspect is a little overstated here.

  • Paula

    Failure is not an option unless abuse involved. Keep praying.

  • Maggie

    I read most of your comments and found it to be sad that YES, this does appear to be how men are after the honeymoon is over..then its mostly a case of flirting and being the man we knew outside the marriage. This i find is based on the fact men are like dogs, only happy when chasing something.. every relationship i have been in (3) that includes marriage of 17 yrs, ended when he wouldn’t stop flirting and cheating, 2nd marriage ended after 13yrs, he died suddenly, then a long term relationship lasting 4 yrs ended when he was cheating. its so sad but a familiar occurrence with the men i had relationships and it appears to be other men also..I honestly dont think men will change, they like the thrill of the chase and being flirted with and told how great they are constantly. they take praise but hardly say how great you are..Taking you for granted is something they are great at, their mothers did stuff for them why would you be any different… at my age i want a relationship but NOT what comes after the initial loving period.. to the woman whos husband spends his free time in the woods or watching sports? my advice to you is STOP being there doing all the time. start going out yourself..dress up for no reason..and it sounds like they are his kids from a previous marriage…leave HIM to take care of them.. he sounds like a spoiled rotten bastard to me…. start doing stuff for you, before you know it 25 yrs will have past and you will think that the hell was i thinking…stop your hurting now so whats the difference if you make changes.

  • jen

    Awsome words , amen to everything that is said , for 15 years I was hoping for something like this .. it’s never to late to fix things .. sorry to say it’s to late a long time ago for me .:(

  • jls

    Omg,we women are sooooo………wanty. If we want this from our husband,think that they may want all of the above from us. Just remember that. Love is a two way street.

  • L. Carvel Wilson

    Dear Dave,

    Talk about timely advice. We both need the very things you mention. We should enhance and compliment each other as we forge bonds for eternity. Great article.


  • Little Bird


  • Lisa Arini

    Affection, affection, affection


  • sandsell

    Yes these four aspects are the most important to us. We need constant and consistent love and attention.we wanted to be always part of our husbands life. We wanted to be thr first person to know what is happening on them.

  • Jayne

    I was married for 26 years and 25 of those were just me and our children. I worked full time , raised our sons, took care of the house and whatever else needed to be done while he chose to work away from home. When he did come home, he chose to alienate himself from us . After the were grown, he divorced me to do what he wanted to do. ( he had been doing it for years). Now 8 months later he’s remarrying a woman 13 years younger than himself. I have and done everything in our marriage but he blamed me for our failing marriage. I just pray karma pays him back full force because now he has thrown away our adult sons for his new step children ages 7 and. 16. Our sons are almost 26 and 24. He doesn’t want anything to do with them. They may be grown but he should always be there for them as a father. At least I will always e there for my sons. They have been my rock!!

  • Great advice! If you’ve been married longer than 10 years you are well on your way to expert status! mind if I share this on my blog?

  • This is spot on. Thank you for writing this.

  • Krystafre

    This is so true! Since my husband and I had our son, I feel as though he has forgotten about me. I just need him to be there for me and to want to spend some time with me again. I keep praying things will change but nothing seems to be happening. He doesn’t tell me I am doing a good job as a mother. He doesn’t try to spend any time with me. When he has a night off, he usually wants to work on a car or something else rather than spend some time just hanging out with us. It’s frustrating!

  • Suzanne M

    Wow…this brought me to tears. After just “celebrating” (if you can call it that) 15 years of marriage, my heart is breaking. I have asked my husband for several months now to just take me on a date. Nothing fancy, just a movie and dinner. Nothing. Not even a simmer of a chance. I didn’t even receive a card for our anniversary. We always take a family trip with the kids the week of our anniversary, but never have alone time. Our oldest child will be a teenager this year, and to date, we have taken one weekend away without the kids in their lifetime. We didn’t have kids to have someone else raise. But, I would love to at least know my husband still wants to spend time with me. He is a hard worker. Very dedicated in that regard. But, we feel more like room mates than anything. He works nights to boot. He is happiest when with his family (mom, dad, siblings). I am at a loss. I have told him what I want as he told me that is what I need to do. Yet, nothing happens. He never compliments me. I took on losing weight this past year for health reasons. Nothing. Never ever do I hear him say I am attractive to him. While I am fairly confident he would not leave me, I feel as though he has left me if that makes sense. My heart aches. No “I love you” from him unless I say it first. No kiss unless he is leaving for work. I feel like such a failure and so unworthy of love again. My own family on my dad’s side rejected me my entire life, and it seems as though now my husband has done the same. Last week, the writing became much clearer. My mom had to have a serious surgery. I had asked him to be there for various reasons, yet he acted as if he never heard that. We had not discussed the details, that I will agree. But, the night before, he said we had discussed it and that I said he wasn’t going that he was staying to watch the kids. My heart broke. He said he didn’t want to go, but would out of obligation. Never had I felt so abandoned in my life. Please tell me that there is hope. We are both Christians, but I feel like God has closed the door on our marriage.

  • Patricia

    Great advice! this is something that will give us both the strength we need in our marriage.

  • Carly

    My husband really lives this out. He leads by example and works hard for our family. Life is hard with a blended family, both of us working demanding jobs. Both of us make each other a priority, and talk it out when issues arise. He is my best friend and we truly enjoy each other’s company. It is the easiest thing to put his needs first because he puts mine first.

  • mark

    The tradeoff isn’t more time for the same money, it’s more time for LESS money. And that’s a fallacy that a lot of wives put on their husbands. “I’d rather have you home than have more money.” Okay, but would you take less money and more time at home, because that’s the real choice. Most women won’t live up to the reality of happily taking a reduction in income.

  • Kayla

    I’m sorry but, I believe it’s only outdated to some. I love being able to stay at home with my little girl. Without having that financial security from my husband, someone else would be watching my baby girl grow up, not me. I love my husband for taking on that burden.

  • bam

    Sorry to hear you feel your at the bottom of your husbands list. Why are you not with him and his children. It sounds as you’re the step mom. When you choose to marry someone with kids, you are choosing to be there for them and love them as your own. Your post seems like they are taking your time. You are a family and should be doing things together.

  • tk

    Lovely post. Goes two ways and sometimes it’s hard to remember to do. .. definitely takes effort from both. I have to say, though, in response to some, that while we are responsible for our own choices and our own outlook (ultimately our own happiness), having such a strong and loving partner makes it infinitely easier to love ourselves. Secondly, in regard to the “outdated” financial support thoughts, I’ll be the first to say that I am proudly independent and work my rear end off and that won’t be changing if it’s up to me, but I am comforted by the fact that I am married to a man willing to go to the ends of the earth to make sure we have what we need. He is financial security in that, like me, I know he will go the distance should a need arise. Thank gosh! Thanks for the reminding post. Good work! 🙂

  • DrewH

    you ever think maybe its your choice in men or maybe the idea you have for them? it takes 2 to make it work.

  • bob

    If you women had to spend a year with another man and truly see the grass isn’t greener on the other side you would stop whining always wanting more than what your husband is giving you. You taking care of your responsibilities at home isn’t a gift to your husband. .. disgusting in my opinion how most of you act with such a greedy way of thinking.

  • MLH

    You deserve better than this. I suggest not giving him one more hour of the best years of your life and find someone who appreciates you. After all, being alone is better than being alone with a bunch of people depending on you to cook and clean. Good luck. I hope you listen to my advice. I’m happily married for the 2nd time and I found a man who really appreciates me for who I am and enjoys time with me. It’s worth the risk of walking away. I promise.

  • Lynn

    I would be happy with #2specifically emotional support… Unconditional love…. Not being told you are a whore cuz you had a son at 16….. Not being told he doesn’t believe you were molested as a child…. Hmmm … 13 years of this crap bout ready to crack !

  • Jonah

    Good luck trying to provide the financial protection and still be able to give her #3 & #4… Work full time & go to school full time to provide for my family. Up at 0430 get home at 1700 then right to school… What little time is left is mostly for the kids. Pick one… Have the things you want, live in the house you want, eat at the nice places when you want or have the closeness/ cuddle time mentioned in # 3 or #4…. What’s it going to be?

  • Cindy Siler

    I deeply appreciate these words of wisdom but feel that just like the danger if taking scripture out if context, these words could be dangerous without an immediate follow up of…& women do everything in your power to honor God being worthy of these 4 things not demanding. Praise be to God for the desire of both man and wife to honor Him first.

  • Daniel

    Funny I have just the opposite .my wife does none if this and no matter how much I explain or try to talk. She is just angry I don’t know what else to do . She says she loves me she says she doesn’t want to divorce but can’t even sit and focus on us by having a short meaningful conversation . Always just mad. Or blaming everything else but herself.

  • mark

    Boy this sounds like my wife to a tee.i do regale her for her cheating, but I think I was a sap for taking her back…it was for the kids sake.

  • Hurting wife

    Great info! I would give anything to have a christian husband want to do these things. It’s a sad and lonely liefe living with a man who is verbally, emotionally, and occasionally physically abusive and not to mention that he completely ignores me on most occasions. He verbalizes that he hates my family, can’t stand my kids, and despises being around me. I’ve caught him looking at porn, going to bars, losing his wedding ring, and that’s just the things I know about. I don’t chase after him, nor do I check up on him, it was an accident that I found about the porn and bar. I am a christan and have prayed and cried and wished and hoped things would change for the better. I’m a trusting, loving, and forgiving wife and just overlook everything. I don’t nag or complain and I guess I’m mostly just hurt and crying inside. After 14 years, I’m just about to throw in the towel. I keep trusting in God to “fix” our marriage. I gave up on praying for him to change many years ago so now I have just prayed for me to change and to accept what I cannot change. I’m on my 2nd marriage and neither marriage has been “happy”. How long does someone wait for God to intervene? I just don’t understand why I’m 47 years old and have been married twice and neither man has been good to me. What have I done to deserve this?!?!?

  • Sad

    After 30 yrs of marriage I am now divorced. We were both to blame. I never cheated though but was so unhappy because he did none of these things and wouldn’t even try so our marriage ended in divorce. Now he’s changed and doing those things for his second wife. People need to wake up and treat each other different and hopefully you will get different results. It won’t work if you don’t.

  • Carla

    I wish Everyman would read this before he got married everywoman needs to feel secure

  • jeff

    I always looked for a reason to leave a go ride my motorcycle to get away from the house because we were arguing or was about to instead of staying home an fixing or problem or problem to come. I really do love my wife an want or marriage to get stronger in time but I do realize that I am alot to blame in this real ions hip. I pray alot for the Lord to help me be strong in this an to give more to my wife than ever before. So far so good. I’m glad I ran across this post!!!

  • Terll Ray Shrum

    Very Good Article, and your 4 “things to know” are speaking straight through the heart into the soul of a man. Most men that are “man” enough to own up to the truth about themselves, know when they are wrong! That leads us to our “egos,” and that’s where a lot of the trouble starts. A man that can’t swallow his pride or put his ego in check and admit being wrong is going at it All wrong. It will erode that trust a woman needs to have in her man. It will also break down the communication between a man and wife, sometimes to none at all. That kills the closeness, and when that happens a man feels alone and unwanted and there goes his self-esteem! I could go on and on, but if a guy will just be honest with his lady and not wear his ego on his sleeve, it will be better in the long run. Don’t forget to keep the lines of communication open, and the more honest you are the better. She will respect it, and if she feels like she can talk to you without being judged she will be more open with you. We all have insecurities, but if you can be nurturing and positive about hers, it will breed an even deeper connection between you and your wife for years to come.

  • Terll Ray Shrum

    By the way, Thanks Dave & Ashley for Your insight and honesty!!

  • dan

    You mentioned to pray for her heart. What would that pray be worded like? Can you give an example?

  • dan

    God bless you for choosing to communicate your needs to your husband. So often women assume me should just know what they need. Well I’m telling you we dont know if we are not being lead by the spirit. You asked what more can you do? Affirm him respect him pray for him. Get closer to god and you will be closer to your spouse.

  • Veronica Gonzalez

    I would like to know if this book is sold at Barnes and Noble?

  • dave willis

    My books are available in paperback exclusively at http://www.Amazon.com and they’re also available in ebook format at Barnes & Noble (nook), Amazon (Kindle) and iTunes (for download on iPhones and iPads). Thanks -Dave

  • Milly

    Wow. You sound really bitter. Perhaps had you shown the kind of attention you wanted would have kept your man around. Love is not a fairy tail for Prince Charming to please you….it’s work and dedication to each other. And telling that other woman to get dressed up and go “cat” around is seriously bad advice….coming from someone who can’t keep her man at home.

  • Bobby

    Why is always what the man has to do to make a marriage work? The media and forums like this just love to paint this image of guys always being selfish and poor women are so overlooked as to their ‘needs’. This stuff goes BOTH ways. Women are equally as responsible for keeping a marriage going and successful. Women change after marriage and do not behave the same way they did before the vows, and you ladys know what Im talking about. Im sorry I dont believe ANY other person is responsible for my being happy and content, and if youre looking to another person to keep you happy, you are most certainly going to be let down eventually. No one should ever base or make their welfare and emotional well being on someone else. The cliche picture of two people staring into each others eyes isnt what true love is, a better picture would be two people staring off into the future together, pursuing their life side by side.

    There certainly is nothing wrong with wanting something from life, your spouse or anything else, but dont place blame when the world doesnt deliver on your wants.

    Im responsible for my own happiness.

  • Justin

    Lori- sorry you are experiencing that. There’s a lot of issues going on there including the dynamic of a blended family. I strongly recommend you find a good biblical counselor and lay these things out. Everything you have listed is toxic on its own, let alone when you put them all together. I pray God softens his heart and opens his eyes, and gives you wisdom on how to engage this.

  • Brandi

    To Hurting Wife my heart breaks for you. Im so sorry. I have been married for 18 yr.now, and my husband was verbaly & mentally abusive to me. I was tald growing up by my father…A “man” who “chooses” to get married. He is the “man” of the house so to speak. The protector of his family. Provide, love, and cherish them. Especially his wife. It blows my mind some of these comments that are being made from selfish people that should have never gotten married.

  • KatieT

    No, men weren’t led to lead their wives as someone previously stated. That’s an excuse plenty of women make to be lazy in the relationship and not contribute anything while her husband works hard and pays the bills. Men also use it as an excuse to take control of everything. It leads to anger on both sides. You’re exactly right, a relationship is 50/50. It’s more important to focus on ourselves and how we can better the relationship, just like I focus on what my husband needs from me.

  • Shannon M

    Men are meant to lead. I don’t think marriage is viewed as seriously as it should be. You need to know beyond a doubt that the one you marry is someone you can trust with your life, dignity, money, body and your children. Some people are purposely deceitful and manipulatve, but I don’t think that is the case most of the time. Most of the time, we are all just human and lose our way. You can only ever control your own actions. The person you are is only dependant on the actions You make. You should not only be a good spouse if the other spouse is good to you first. You need to be forgiving because you are in this war against the enemy together. Don’t kick your teammate when they stumble. Help them up and try to be a good example.

    22 Wives, submit yourselves to your own husbands as you do to the Lord. 23 For the husband is the head of the wife as Christ is the head of the church, his body, of which he is the Savior. 24 Now as the church submits to Christ, so also wives should submit to their husbands in everything.

    25 Husbands, love your wives, just as Christ loved the church and gave himself up for her 26 to make her holy, cleansing[a] her by the washing with water through the word, 27 and to present her to himself as a radiant church, without stain or wrinkle or any other blemish, but holy and blameless. 28 In this same way, husbands ought to love their wives as their own bodies. He who loves his wife loves himself.” Ephesians 5:22-28

  • Jean

    You hit it right on with this article. I just signed my divorce papers today so this article touched some tender spots with me. These four points are exactly what were missing in our relationship. It’s too late for me but not for others. Please take this to heart before you loose what means the most to you!

  • Jackie

    This list is great and is correct in leaning toward men, however women need to love men in the same way and both find the time for each other!!!

  • Melinda

    Very good advice!’ I noticed someone mentioned that marriages should be 50/50. I would like to propose that it should be 100/100. If you are only giving half of what you can to a marriage, then it will never be enough. We need to give each other 100% of ourselves in effort and in love! I learned it when going through a divorce several years ago. I was fortunate to find a man whom I have been married to for 24 years. We both strive to give 100%. Sometimes one of us ends up giving 90% but the other one always steps up to 110% to help out. I know I am blessed, but it takes a great deal of effort on both our parts to make it good! I loved this article! Thank you!

  • Dian Norby

    I was married 40 years to my best friend, then widowed, remarried to a widower and now we are working out this relationship..it takes work! Early in my first marriage I teamed up with a few other women and we studied an old book: “You can be the wife of a happy husband.” (Sorry, I don ‘t remember the author) That group of women supported one another with group prayer, study of that book, and love, and all of our marriages improved. What is sad today is our isolation from one another. As women we need a support group (not a gripe session, however), and solid, biblical help on how to make our own happiness…not always depending on a man to make us happy. On the other hand, we need to “know when to hold ’em, know when to fold ’em, and know when to walk away”! 🙂

  • Donna

    U sound amazing, can I marry u! I try to stay positive in my marraige but it’s so empty and the opposite if everything I just read.

  • kalyani

    Very good article. I have send this article to my Husband who are not giving me secure, protection ( emotional, physical and pinnacle)Hope he will read this article

  • Ikpeka Deborah

    This article is beautiul. God bless you

  • Janice Graves

    Dave and Ashley…I love reading this page and everything you write. My question is probably more for Dave…Do you find that most husbands neglect to tell their wives that they are (beautiful, pretty etc), or that they look nice? I guess I’m hoping that’s the case…as the closest thing to a compliment I’ve received from my husband is that I’m his “cute little hunter”…I know I am far from beautiful, but he used to think I was…or at least he used to tell me I was. Now he tells any woman but me how beautiful they are. I’m hurt and confused.

  • dave willis

    Great question. I’ve found that many men don’t know how to speak in a way that really builds up their wives. They talk to their wife like they would talk to another man. It’s usually not an attempt to be insensitive, but rather, an ignorance about how women feel and communicate differently from most men. You may need to spell it out for him. Tell him what you need to hear.

  • Anna

    You might find the book “Boundaries in Marriage” by Henry Cloud. It will help you learn how to make boundaries so that your husband knows how to respect you.

  • Maureen

    have been saying these 4 things for years. How long do you wait for change or move forward with loving yourself again to provide for your kids? Well I think I hit that milestone of moving on. Thanks for the read it makes me feel better that I am not alone and not crazy expecting or wanting those things.

  • Frank

    Great article, loved the previous one. Both a great inspiration that I will take to my marriage!

  • ScrappinNonna

    the book that literally saved me from losing my mind, “The Emotionally Destructive Marriage,” by Dr. Leslie Vernick. The abuse of a spouse comes in many more destructive ways than just physical. It’s proven that emotional and mental abuse is far more damaging than physical. Physical can heal, emotional bores into your soul and at the core of who you are. A highly manipulative spouse can twist scripture to control and destroy. Get into a bible study, draw closer to Jesus. Yes, God hates divorce, but I believe he also hates the way your spouse may treat you. Get yourself healthy-that’s really all you can do. Learn how God sees you-that really helped me overcome my co-dependency regarding approval from my emotionally manipulative controlling spouse.

  • mandyraye

    These are all true but as a woman I believe faithfulness should have its own category. It is one of the most important things a woman wants from her husband. Faithfulness with his eyes, his mind, his body, and his heart. I love being able to go anywhere with my husband and have him be mature enough to realize that a beautiful woman means nothing in our lives. To have the confidence that he won’t look which not only hurts but lets the other woman know he’s not satisfied with his wife. He embarrasses his wife and himself and a loving husband shouldn’t want to put a feather in another woman’s hat. It’s also pretty hard to feel sexy or want to have sex when your husband is looking at other women.

  • mandyraye

    Respect yourself and get a seperation. If your husband wants to save your marriage then give him the opportunity but read the book that was recommended, and some others to know how to move forward. Find a good marriage counselor and therapist for yourself. A seperation might not end up saving your marriage but it can help you to get the strength and clarity you need to make wise choices. God loves you so much and he does not want you to be hurting like you are. God clearly states in the Bible how He wants husbands to treat their wives. Your prayers are being answered. God is giving your husband every opportunity to make changes and I fully believe trying to reach him but God will not take away your husbands free will. I will be praying for you. I have been where you are.

  • Kyle

    Guilty of not doing these things, want to work on it great advice!

  • Jen

    I absolutely love this article. I am aware of what a lucky girl I am each day God blesses me with, allowing me to see my husband once more. I have to proudly admit my honey provides all of this and so much more and I do the same for him. I love this article and every other article you and Ashley post. My husband and I have learned to thank God and put Him before all and since we have done that all has been possible. We have ups and downs just like everyone. Overall, we really enjoy reading all of your articles and all your positive advice, we infuse it into our marriage and couldn’t be happier.

    Thank you!

  • I think all that can be summed-up as ‘sincere, trustworthy, caring companionship’.

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  • Katherina Chia

    I want the world to know a great man that is well known as Dr Kasee,he has the perfect solution to relationship issues and marriage problems. The main reason why i went to Dr Kasee was for solution on how i can get my husband back because in recent times i have read some testimonies on the internet which some people has written about Dr Kasee and i was so pleased and i decided to seek for assistance from him on his email (onimalovespell@gmail.com) which he did a perfect job by casting a spell on my husband which made him to come back to me and beg for forgiveness.I will no stop publishing his name on the net because of the good work he is doing. I will drop his contact for the usefulness of those that needs his help.His email is ONIMALOVESPELL@GMAIL.COM. You can contact him today and get your

  • Katherina Chia

    I want the world to know a great man that is well known as Dr Kasee,he has the perfect solution to relationship issues and marriage problems. The main reason why i went to Dr Kasee was for solution on how i can get my husband back because in recent times i have read some testimonies on the internet which some people has written about Dr Kasee and i was so pleased and i decided to seek for assistance from him on his email (onimalovespell@gmail.com) which he did a perfect job by casting a spell on my husband which made him to come back to me and beg for forgiveness.I will no stop publishing his name on the net because of the good work he is doing. I will drop his contact for the usefulness of those that needs his help.His email is ONIMALOVESPELL@GMAIL.COM. You can contact him today and get your …

  • Dorothy

    Kindness. Gentleness. Patience. Peace. Encouragement. Love. Knowing it’s not necessary to explode when there are differences of opinion. This is what I want. He wants what I call the Five: 1. Clean house 2. Quiet Children 3. Dinner on the Table 4. No opinions from me and 5. Sex. Actually I wouldn’t mind if he provided 1, 3, & 5 for me 🙂

  • rcracer

    I am a guy and all i want is a little bit of affection
    . I don’t mind cleaning cooking, paying bills taken care of kids or step kids, I just want to feel loved. I don’t ever get this the cell phone is way more important than me. any one else feel this way?