4 secrets husbands don’t tell their wives.

4 secrets husbands don’t tell their wives. February 7, 2014

Before your read the post below, please take a few seconds to download our new Marriage App in iTunes for a library of marriage ebooks, daily marriage-building encouragement and some stellar communication tools to keep you and your spouse connected. A Facebook login is required to access the app.

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As you’ve probably already figured out, when God designed men and women, he made us different.

I’m going to give you ladies a rare peek into the mind of a dude. Granted, we’re all unique, and I’m not trying to make broad generalizations that all men and all women fall into specific little categories, but as I’ve talked with men from all over the world, I’ve discovered that these four principles seem to consistently hold true.

If you’re a woman reading this, I hope these insights will give you a deeper understanding for your husband and your marriage. If you’re a man reading this, be aware of these potential weak spots in your communication and strive to share these and all issues openly and honestly with your wife.

For ongoing encouragement, please connect with me on twitter and signup for our emails.

These are four messages many men struggle to clearly communicate to their wives:

1. We’re afraid to tell you when we’re afraid.

Many of us were raised that any form of fear for a man was a sign of weakness. Rambo never got scared. Dirty Harry never got scared. We’re not supposed to get scared. Of course, those are fictional characters and real men face real emotions (including fear), but we’re usually very bad at communicating it because one of our greatest fears is that you would see us as weak. 

For more on this, check out our popular post on 9 things your husband is always thinking about.

2. We often feel like we don’t measure up.

Most of us are grew up with dreams of growing up to be an astronaut or professional athlete, but most of those dreams didn’t materialize. I struggle just to make the roster of our church’s softball team! Many of us are carrying around wounds of deep-seeded failure from our past and our present and we don’t know how to communicate about them so we try to hide them instead. These insecurities can often drive us to overcompensate by throwing ourselves into our careers to find achievement and “success.”

3. We think about sex even more than you think we do.

Many of the times our minds are wandering and we seem distant, we’re thinking about sex. We wish we could free up that mental energy for more productive things, because we could probably cure cancer with the amount of mental energy that our sex drive consumes. We tend to value the sexual aspect of our relationship so much that for right or wrong, we’ll often measure the overall health of our marriage on the frequency of what’s happening in the bedroom.

For more on building stronger sexual intimacy and satisfaction in marriage, check out our new video series by clicking here.

4. You’re our best friend.

You probably have a bunch of girlfriends that you confide in, but even though we’ve got “buddies” to share our hobbies and sports conversations, it’s rare that we have a true friend who really knows our hearts. We lean on you more than you realize for companionship and true friendship.

For six practical ways to strengthen your friendship with your spouse, read this post.

To learn the secrets wives don’t tell their husbands, check out the article my wife and I wrote on The 5 Secrets Wives don’t tell their Husbands. The bottom line for both men and women is this: Work together to make communication (about these and all other issues) a priority in your marriage. Transparency and honesty always lead to intimacy.

For more tools for building a rock-solid marriage, download our new “MarriageApp” in iTunes and also check out my brand new book “The Seven Laws of Love: Essential Principles for Building Stronger Relationships.”

7 laws of love book quote marriage honest Dave Willis

 

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  • Julie Tamez

    I always like getting insight and making my marriage stronger. I smiled when I read this, I think that the list of things a wife doesn’t always say… could be exactly the same!

  • Marian

    Wow! I figured some of this, but it makes perfect sense now when I think about some things in the past. I remember in particular a time I got off work and my spouse met me to travel home behind me since I was out of town working and coming off my shift. It was a holiday and he was off and came to stay with me. I met him at a gas station to fill up. A car pulled up on the other side. You could tell the passenger was on something besides alcohol. He tried to start a bad conversation with my spouse. When I got out of my vehicle, he cursed me too. I told my spouse to let it go, which to my relief, he did. My spouse is 6’4″ and a good size man, so he could’ve wrung his neck. However, on the way home, he became very angry and upset because he felt he allowed him to talk down to me. For two days he beat himself up. I found a quote on Facebook that stated “thank you for being my protector” and reminded him he did the right thing rather than land in jail. He finally realized it took more of a man to let it go, than to start a fight!

  • Kim

    That was great info Dave it explains a lot!! My poor hubby…thanks for helping me understand!

  • Michelle

    So what do you do when you’re the man in the relationship when it comes to sex? My drive is much higher than his and it seems as though he could care less. We’ve gone as long as three weeks without sex because HE didn’t want it.

  • Jeffry Brown

    Certainly the part about don’t measure up. That give me some major insight to myself, and why I’ve been willing to work 70 hours a week all my life.

  • Dhanya

    Thanks Dave .. I have always felt that sometimes my husband is feeling insecure n afraid n he denies it most of the time .. I tell him that I felt he seems helpless. .. but he denies. .. I think that he is my best friend but I feel sad when he hides like that …

  • nikiwe

    I have a communication breakdown with my husband. He don’t communicate with me at all. Sometimes I think he loves his friends more and I fear asking as I don’t want to nag him with pity things though it makes me feel lonely when he’s here I feel invisible.

  • donna

    Most of that is true it very hard for guys to tlk bout their feelings n when they are scare…thanks

  • Anegla Miles

    Thank you so much, you know you make it so clear.. God is truly working through you! I started to cry when I read the first chapter of your book iVow. I realized I am not being the wife God has intended me to be for my husband. That I need to build him up and not tare him down. Thank you so much! The light just went on… God bless

  • annette

    1. We want you to lead. When you get upset because we do things on our own..it is usually because we have asked and asked and nagged and it never gets done. We learn, it is easier to do than continually ask.

    2. We know you want respect. We love you. We agreed to marry you. But don’t make us pay for what the last woman did. That is on her. We should not pay freight on the baggage the last woman left you with (same for women)

    3. There is a difference between service and servitude. We do things for you because we love you and want to serve you. But it does not work when you do less because we do more.

    4. Even if you don’t like opera, plays, etc, if we do, it won’t hurt you to take us to those events once in a while. How many times does your wife watch ballgames, races, or other events with you? She may like them, but more often than not, she learned to like them as an opportunity to spend time with you.

    5. Don’t forget birthdays, anniversaries, mother’s day (father’s day), Valentine’s Day and Christmas. With today’s technology, you can program your phone to remind you a week before. Last minute clearance items don’t speak love. And let’s face it, the majority of those days fall on the same day every year…only Mother’s day and Father’s day fall on a different day.

    6. When you buy us a gift, allow us to say thank you, don’t continually say do you like it? Either we loved the gift or we loved you more to say we hated it.

    Being married is not easy, it is about choosing your battles. You say your hear us but did you really listen to our hearts more than the words? Understanding the opposite sex is not easy, but thinking, seeing and listening with your heart makes it easier.

  • Jaime

    Thank you very much. I really think this will help me understand him abit more 🙂

  • Vivian

    Had i known earlier, our union would have been much stronger. Thanks anyways.

  • Amy

    chances are pretty good that he is feeling inadequate and that is why he is against sexual activity. Do you somehow make him feel like he isn’t meeting your needs? Do you fight about sex? Wives often fail to see just how fragile their husbands’ egos are. He needs to be the man and comments like you “are the man” are certainly not helping him! You are not the MAN!! Remind him of that. If you build him up he will probably be more interested in being intimate with you, sexually and emotionally.

  • Marisol Gloriani

    Thank you so much! These are the words that I want to say to my husband. I became a completely change person ..I love nature..I love to talk and share my ideas, opinions. I love to travel ..but now I feel like I always follow what my hubby wants. 🙁

  • Debbie K

    Wow that was beautifully put Annette! Thank you on behalf of many women who would agree with your statement.

  • shelly

    I so agree with your 2, 3 and 4!!! Kudos for summing that up!

  • Heather

    Annette,

    What you wrote speaks volumes! Sounds like all the things and more that I struggle with concerning my spouse. Thank you for making me realize I am not alone in this feeling.

  • Travis

    #5. We are selfish and short-sighted. When we can admit that, we’re off to a good start. Then, do something about it. We need the “help” of our wife. If you haven’t noticed, most of us are one-dimensional. We can’t do more than one thing at a time, and if we aren’t good at it, or get nagged about what we aren’t doing right, we usually fall back into what we are used to, which tends to be a self-absorbed activity. Women can usually multi-task much better….We need love and support to “help” us lead. When our marriage becomes the one-dimensional focus, through that found love and respect, by the true grace of God, we feel adept to lead our marriage effectively and desire to. That and lots of sex. 😉

    Summary:

    – pray for God’s grace in your marriage.

    – Drop all entanglements of sin and selfishness

    (Stick with the first two and you’re off to a good start)

    -communicate and understand how each other work or at least seek to understand even though you may not

  • Annette put it well! ☺️

  • Michelle

    I couldn’t agree with you more! Reading your list I just kept thinking yep yep yep!

  • Michelle

    4 things wife’s don’t share with husbands.

    1.) We wish that you would listen and actually hear what we are saying.

    Everyone is guilty of not paying full attention when someone else is talking from time to time. When we are trying to have an actually conversation about something or ask you to fix something or hang something up that does not mean when you get around to it. If we ask you to please try and pick up after yourself we really mean it. We already pick up after the children you are grown men!

    2.) You are our hero. You are the most important person in our life.

    Yes we tell you we love you and appreciate you. But most women grow up with a fantasy of what their live will be one day and it usually includes a Prince Charming. Where you may not always be that charming prince you will always be our hero. The one to lean on when times get hard. The one to protect us from harm. The one who seems to always save the day.

    3.) Not everything is about sex. We actually think about sex probably just as much as you we are just to exhausted to act on it.

    Women go through ups and downs with sex drive and throw some kids into the mix and well any mother can tell you there are highs and lows in the bedroom department. That being said just because we don’t want to have sex every single time you do does not mean we don’t love you or want you. Remember we chose you, we said yes!

    4.) We want you to open up to us. We want you to show emotion it is ok to cry or be vulnerable, your still the man and we like the opportunity to be your shoulder to lean on and make you feel better. After all that is why women generally are nurturing, loving and giving.

  • Shanna

    I completely agree! Those 4 sum up the things women don’t often tell our hubby’s as well, but can completely be related to.

  • Tera McMahon

    I agree completely!

  • Robin

    Annette, your response was so accurate and might I add the best one yet! They really need to open up to be vulnerable to see that all they hope and fear will fit in place like a puzzle & all will be better on earth lol! Awesome

  • SL King

    I am really glad that this doesn’t describe my husband. It may be because is younger & the women’s movement did help men to get liberated from old roles… But, I am grateful nonetheless.

  • A Perry

    Thanks for sharing everyone, men are definitely not the only ones that feel un-appreciated it can go both ways, going the extra mile and a simple thank you (without sarcasm) even if you dont feel like it can change an unpleasant attitude in the home.

  • Lisa

    I did myself 2 favors years ago. I read Women are from mars men are from Venus. 7 years later and a marriage in a crisis I read Marriage boundaries. The favors on this was, I learned better ways to say things with the first book. The second book I got because I was going to fix him. Ha! I seen every single short coming I had in our relationship! From thinking that just because I wanted something done, didn’t mean he had to jump and do it. I wouldn’t let him make those demands of me, but my attitude towards him was: I don’t ask much, so do it now. I also learned that I didn’t share things that I wasn’t ok with right away. He did something today -I brought it up in anger any where from 3 days to 6 mths later. No wonder nothing changed! Last but not least, I learned-He has his own personality. He is not an extension of me. If you married a quiet man. Well then don’t expect a chatty husband. Vice versa applies. If you never let him go do the things he likes without, why would he ever think to go with you to do something you like? Space is good. I learned-He is just as human as me. Give him the same things you are asking for in return. Many wives make the mistake of constant chatter and then get hurt, because he isn’t listening. Yet you tune out your own childrens chatter. My marriage is 80% better, just because I dealt with me. I still think he thinks about sex to much though 😉

  • Wakeup

    This was obviously written by a woman. Except for the sex part. You lure us in with sex in the beginning and then cry foul when we still want it later. Don’t even act like you don’t know what you’re doing.

  • Laura

    I think this lady has some good points for what a woman thinks. Definitely #1: I don’t just want you to lead. I NEED you to lead. God wants me to follow you – so lead me please.

    I sort of understand the service and servitude thing. I love my husband so much that I want to serve God by serving my husband. So I’m not bitter if he does less while I do more by serving him. But at least how about ‘I noticed what ya did there. That was nice. Or thanks’ would make a woman’s EXTREMELY needy side feel less wounded. 🙂

  • Garbanzo

    Annette and all who agreed with her: Please note #2 in the article. Your post really helped reinforce that thought. Thanks for a great article, and ladies, thanks for your comments.

  • Thank you, very insiteful! “And he said to me, I’m empitent. He said he had a erection one morning when he thought of me.” And I said, “REALLY!!!” He said somethings the old me might have thought rude? and He’d never said that to any woman. I said, “Really, awwwww, I LOVE YOU SO MUCH!!!” He’s in another state, we have never met or been together. He’s a MAN, I LOVE HIS MIND, BODY, AND SOUL WITH ALL MY HEART!!!

  • Hopeful

    With what you say about men thinking about sex so much: we had a baby 7 months ago via c section. He was born 6 weeks early and both of us were fighting for our lives. Since that time my husband and I have not had sex, and it is starting to significantly impact our relationship. I am afraid of being that vulnerable again, and in spite of counseling, endless self searching and attempts at being open with each other, that part of our relationship does not exist, straining the rest of it. Any ideas? I know he doesn’t tell me just how much it affects him, but I see it and feel guilty.

  • Troubled Wife

    Things that are wrong isn’t what he’s not saying, but rather what he is saying. My husband expects me to maintain a cheerful attitude and laugh while he calls me unattractive and laughs about it, while he mocks how low my self esteem is. What hurts most is he admitted to knowingly hurting me, and not doing anything to change it.

  • I do believe man are more sexual thinkers! However, if that man is overweight like a lot of christian men. He is fearful that he is not able to preform in the bedroom. Therefore he just doesn’t try at all, because of the fear of performance!! What then, do you do? Wives are suffering silently!!!

    Carmen 26 year marriage

  • Well, this to will pass!

    Is there anything medically wrong with you right now? Have you had your CHECK-UP post pregnancy? If you are all clear. At this time you and your hubby have a conversation about birth control first. Then a conversation about a baby sitter. Then make a date! He your “husband” loves you no matter what. You are the mother of his child. He loves what you have brought forth, “LIFE”! A gift from God. He wants none thing more than to celebrate you, as his W-I-F-E. Mother of his child. Yours and his body now again belongs back to each other! It will seem uneasy at first. Almost like your first date. Show each other the grace that God has given us and all Gods ability to love us no matter what! Try hugging and holding each other quietly for a 3 to 5 minute period 4 times a day. I promise God will do the rest…..

    I love you and I will be praying for the success in your marriage!

  • Not true for all the men. Some men do convey what they feel and like. So it differ person to person.

  • King Michael Anthony Boccio

    Rachel, my wife knows everything about me except she says she never knows what I Like – well neither do I until I experience it to see what I like or don’t like! Everything I Know- I make certain she knows!!

  • Denise

    My husband doesn’t communicate well either. He always seems to have lots of subjects to talk about with his friends, but as soon as it’s just the two of us, it’s hard to fill the silence. He says there is nothing to talk about because nothing happened that day, but I don’t understand why it is so easy for him to come up with subjects to talk about with other people except me. He has been getting better as I have become more loving. But I think he could try harder! Talking can’t be this hard!

  • Denise

    I love the service and servitude point! My husband sometimes eats food in our bedroom, and won’t take the dirty plates to the kitchen. He might think it’s just a dirty plate, but this is how I process it: he left the plate there. He expects me to take it to the kitchen and clean it when I just finished cooking. Why can’t he clean after himself sometimes? Does me see me as a maid? I do a lot around the house, I work, and study. Does he think his work is more tiring than mine? Does he think I have all this extra time that he can afford to leave all this trash all around and sit and watch tv? You know, I don’t even expect him him to clean the plate, just take it to the sink! ….I can feel so unappreciated sometimes.

  • ashley

    U are certainly correct I think about these four all the time I just thought it was me ….. that thought about them .

  • JR

    I love reading thing on how to fix a marriage or improve or anything that can help me be a better wife. I love my husband and we have a very unique relationship and theres nothing i would change about him. he thinks hes a big baby and actually confessed the other day that he doesnt ever want me to think hes weak or a failure. we had a little bicker and i was telling him how amazing he is, how strong and courageous he was to tell me these things. he laid his head on my shoulder and we cried together and its one of my most favorite things. we’re best friends and tell each other everything and our marriage is blossoming even more because of him admitting and me reassuring him that he will forever be my hero and tears are just part of it. it takes a man to cry on his wifes shoulder! just my opinion. Then of course you always seal the deal afterwards 😉 lol.

  • joni

    Annette you are so right in everything in your list

  • Tammie Dockery

    that is not always true, my husband and me tell each other all the time that we are the others best friend, we talk about everything and anything, no secrets in our marriage, we are open about EVERYTHING….even if my husband feels he is worthless he tells me and i reassure him that he isn’t, we are best friends and hang out as much as possible….we do everything together and havn’t been apart since we started dating over 7 years ago….and i love him more every day….

  • judith kerubo

    am so inspired.

  • Kristen

    Marian I would love to see that saying so I can share it with my husband. My Facebook user name is Kristen Hinze and the pic I have up is one of me before and after loosing weight

    Blessings

  • Kristen

    Michelle,

    Have you tried spicing it up and asking him questions as to what turns him on? Men for the most part have high sexual drives however what they like and find sexy can be very different. If you have not had this conversation you should try it. You might very well find a lot you didn’t know.. Also if it is still a problem there is another possibility that he could have been sexually abused in his past and either does or a lot of men don’t remember it and certain things just like women will trigger them. If they don’t remember it most likely they don’t even recognize there is a problem or don’t know or understand what those triggers are. The last possibility is that he is depressed, very stressed or has a lot of shaming messages from his past. I hope these ideas were of some help to you.

    Blessings Kristen

  • Jessica

    Omg Michelle I love the way you put it and #3 is so right! My husband has a VERY HIGH sex drive and I use to until I had 2 kids back to back that are 13 months apart, but there are times I want it and got to have it now! But if I don’t want it it doesn’t mean I’m not attracted to you, that’s how my husband always feel when I don’t give in

  • Elizabeth

    I need some advice here. Although the article and input from Annette and Michelle were extremely insightful, I have yet another problem in my marriage. My husband and I are both in our 40’s and we have been married just shy of two years. This is my 3rd marriage, and as much as I hate to admit it, the only one that I have taken seriously and actually MEANT my vows when I said them! This is his first marriage. (He had an “on again off again” relationship with his son’s mother for ten years but refused to marry her.) The problem is this: we have been separated for some time now because he decided that he “doesn’t want this relationship anymore”. Yet, he spends the night often and our sex life is incredible. When I’ve asked him if he wants a divorce, he points out, “You haven’t seen any papers yet, have you?” So, clearly, he doesn’t WANT this to end, but he says he doesn’t like the title of “husband”, that it makes him feel smothered and tied down. He also complains that he has no privacy. In the heat of battle, I have yelled and screamed, telling him that he shouldn’t need privacy from the woman who has pledged her undying love to him for eternity, and if he does, then he must be hiding something! The first year we were together we shared everything! Right before he left me, he changed all his passwords and put a password on his phone. I immediately assumed there was someone else, but after some investigation, I found out there was not. He is not used to having to be accountable for his whereabouts and tells me he feels like he has to “check in” with me. I’ve tried to explain to him it’s not checking in. It’s common courtesy to let me know if he’ll be late, for example. He tells me how much he loves me often, and that he does want our life together back like it used to be. But it seems like I’m doing all the work! He is your typical “bad boy” with the looks to go with it: built, bald, lots of tattoos. The tough guy. So sometimes I feel like he thinks if he lets himself be emotional or vulnerable, it will make him look weak. All I want him to do is put forth some effort to help fix our marriage!! We used to attend church regularly but I can’t seem to get him to go with me lately, yet he’ll go with his brother and sis-in-law. That’s probably because when I’ve quoted the bible regarding our roles in a marriage, he has argued with me, saying that he disagrees with most of it. So basically, what it boils down to, is he wants me and loves me, but doesn’t want the traditional responsibilities that being a husband requires. His emotional walls are very high and very thick. I really don’t understand because he wasn’t raised this way. His parents have been married almost 50 years! He is the only man I have ever truly been IN LOVE with, and I REFUSE to give up!!!!!! HELP!!!!!!!

  • Anthony

    When a man truly loves his woman he does feel vulnerable. Opening up your heart can make a man feel like he’s not in control of himself. I know relationships are give and take. You have to totally commit yourself to your relationship. We as men are expected to be strong and confident and at the same time sensitive and understanding. It’s very difficult to be both when you are taught to suppress your emotions as you’re growing up. If want communication, build him up and make him the same way you want to feel and things will improve. When men feel vulnerable they don’t usually voice it, but they will begin to act out.

  • Heather

    This is intended advice for Elizabeth who asked for advice. With all respect, ease up. Love trusts and bears all things. Love is patient and love is kind. Men need space just as much as we do. Let him know when he is ready to talk you will be ready to listen. Trust him that he can sort through his emotions and will come back to you when he is ready to talk. I have been married for a couple years now, and I learned the hard way that no one wants to have their role dictated to them on how they should behave in a marriage. However, if you focus on your role it will inspire him to lead. You are loyal and supportive and knowing your worth will demand he acknowledge it as well. You say that this is your 3rd marriage and that he puts up high walls that are thick… Take an honest look, you are the common denominator. After an honest assessment, address him as your team mate. Let him be the captain and he will lead. I live by this rule of thumb….if the thing I am arguing about is more important than the one I am arguing with I stand my ground(almost never happens) but if it is less important I let it go. Secondly, forgive yourself for the past and then forgive him daily as we are forgiven our sins. I hope this advice helps and my husband and I love you and will pray for your marriage. You will do great and I wish you many blessings!!

  • Dave thanks for the clarification that this article has given to a host of men and women, myself included. I was aware of these four items; however you have now brought them to the forefront of my mind where I can now actively manage each one of them.

    I like your work and hope that you do not mind me learning from it as I continue to increase my knowledge to help marriages as God gives me the ability to do so.

  • Dudeonthebayou

    Being married is not a bed of roses, but those roses have thorns too. Me and my wife has been married for 17 years and we have two kids. I love her like the day we got married and I do anything for her. My wife has many medical problems and is disabled from nerve damage, messed up discs in her back and diabetes. Last year she was in a car accident that further messed up her back and nerve damage and it brought on schingles from the stress. The doctor has told her she can’t do any house work which now fell on me. I don’t mind doing this for her but it’s the intimate part that I miss the most. It’s been 6 months since the car accident and I think the intimacy part is even longer. Of course it hurts me that she can’t make love to me but I understand why and I won’t push the subject with her. I think sex is a important part of a marriage but not getting it is not a reason to end it.

  • Sandra

    Good to know,

    Annette I agree with your comment I feel the same way

  • Charissa

    In response to HOPEFULL:

    I do not have kids but I do think I may have a suggestion/insight.

    Your story kind of reminds me of what couples go through when they are desperately trying to get pregnant. It feels so forced and awkward, for some not all, that a lot of people don’t enjoy it, it becomes a habit of doing it because you HAVE to not because you WANT to. When you can get yourself to relax and not thinking about it, it will happen and it will start to feel more natural. Don’t put so much pressure on your marriage because sex isn’t happening. It will! You and your husband went through a very stressful and scary time that revolved around your pregnancy so it’s going to be scary.

    Just stop thinking. Let it come natural, don’t stress, don’t plan. Let it happen on its own. Also, if you haven’t already I strongly suggest having a heart to heart with your husband. Clearing the air of fears, or different feelings, you may find you both are going through the same thing, that will be something you will connect on because you are starting to feel “in tune” with each other.

    Focus on things outside of the bedroom that you have in common that will draw that feeling of intimacy because you will start to crave being with him on an intimate level that matches your personality similarities.

    Lastly, create a bedroom space that is peaceful to you both. Try to keep it as clean as possible, get some candles, maybe a tabletop waterfall. All these things will make you feel so relaxed and at peace you both can crawl in bed together and just enjoy laying in each others arms.

    I really hope this helps!! I have health issues that have kept me from being intimate with my husband but we try to do these things I told you as often as possible to stay connected in every level so that when the time comes it won’t feel awkward!

    God bless you and your husband 🙂

  • Charissa

    DUDEONTHEBAYOU…

    From a woman that struggles with debilitating health issues like your wife does all I can say is THANK YOU. You are a true man, supportive husband and a positive team member in your marriage.

    My husband and I have only been married since last July, we are both 24 and this is our first marriage and we don’t have kids… in October of the same year I came down with health problems that have had me on bed rest ever since and my condition is still getting worse. For a man as young as my husband and with us being in our newlywed days it has been very tough to not like the lack of intimacy already create issues. I can’t do much housework or cooking or driving or laundry, but I do what I can. The support I receive from my husband makes me SO much more attractive that it makes me so anxious for better health so I can regain the intimacy in my marriage.

    This will happen with your wife as well, a man who can stand beside his wife and support her when: we don’t look our best, possibly putting on weight, and requiring a ton of assistance and not getting sex from his wife..is a blessing like you can’t imagine.

    Thank you for sticking it out and speaking so highly of your wife!

  • Charissa

    DUDEONTHEBAYOU …Please read this post not the other. My phone decided to move words around in a way that doesn’t make sense.

    moderation.

    Charissa

    DUDEONTHEBAYOU…

    From a woman that struggles with debilitating health issues like your wife does all I can say is THANK YOU. You are a true man, supportive husband and a positive team member in your marriage.

    My husband and I have only been married since last July, we are both 24 and this is our first marriage and we don’t have kids… in October of the same year I came down with health problems that have had me on bed rest ever since and my condition is still getting worse. For a man as young as my husband and with us being in our newlywed days it has been very tough to not let the lack of intimacy cause issues this early in our marriage. I can’t do much housework or cooking or driving or laundry, but I do what I can. The support I receive from my husband makes me SO much more attracted to hin that it makes me so anxious for better health so I can regain the intimacy in my marriage.

    This will happen with your wife as well, a man who can stand beside his wife and support her when: we don’t look our best, possibly putting on weight, and requiring a ton of assistance and not able to give you sex…is a blessing like you can’t imagine.

    Thank you for sticking it out and speaking so highly of your wife!

  • Brandi F.

    Wow, i have been reading these for about 2 months now and when i started my marriage was slowly slipping away. Now i talk to my husband and not yell and stuff and our marriage is getting better we have been off and on for the 1st 4 yrs and now been married almost 4 yrs (4 yrs in oct.) I think our marriage is heading to being better than its ever been. Can you do one on trust issues

  • Shell

    Troubled Wife – A man who talks down to his wife in such a manner is verbally abusive. You may have a man with more issues, in that case things you try to do for you marriage won’t work because he doesn’t see you as your own person 🙁 Read Patricia Evans books.

  • Holly

    No. 3 absolutely! I work from home and my job is full time. Yes, I will do housework when I have free time during the day, but why can’t he help when he gets home and I’m doing housework then?

  • Heather

    It is possible that his testosterone is low.

  • Bianca

    I have been married for two years, and my husband has never been as sexually interested on me, as I am in him.

    He would rather look at porn then be with his wide.

    He would rather go and watch strippers then come near me.

    He would rather take photos of naked women with his phone, then take a photo of me.

    I have tried everything to make our marriage work, but unfortunately I am at my wits ends.

  • Wife

    Except when the husband is addicted to masturbation. Then the wife is desperate for sex and the spouse could care less.

  • Novaria

    Okay, all of these make sense to me…except number three…my husband refuses sex regularly…in fact, we make love exactly twice per year…my birthday and our anniversary. I’ve tried to talk with him about it, we’ve discussed the possibility of the workings not working quite right but that’s not it, I’ve asked him to have his testosterone checked but he frequently refuses…I’m convinced it has something to do with me, that he’s no longer attracted to me, I’m too heavy, or something, but he swears it doesn’t and his answer to “why don’t you want to make love to me?” Is always “I don’t know.” I’m assuming this situation is very rare given the wording in number three and that wouldn’t necessarily bother me except I just don’t know what can be done about it…I’ve lost significant weight, I’ve tried changing the routine, I’ve even tried offering things I think a normal wife would cringe about…absolutely nothing helps and I’m so afraid that it could be something else entirely…like he’s having an affair or something and its definitely effecting our relationship.

  • Novaria

    Your comment had become the story of my entire marriage 🙁 maybe that’s what my other comment is all about…I never considered the possibility that he could be addicted to masturbation I believe he is (every day, more than once)…Now the question is, how do we get passed it…

  • brandi

    Exactly, I couldn’t agree more.

  • Erin

    Elizabeth, I’m sorry….. After sitting here talking with a group of married and not married men, and discussing your words, ALL 7 men in this room say….. Move on!! He doesn’t really love you. That’s not love. You are waiting and hoping for something that he is not. You will never be happy like that.

  • Michelle,

    My husband has hormone issues and isnt interested in anything physical unless he has his testosterone shot about every three weeks. Its not that he doesnt want to per say, but it just doesnt cross his mind at all when his T is low. Maybe yours should get his hormones checked. Hope this helps!

  • cassi

    The thing that I found interesting about this list vs the one about what wives don’t tell their husband, most men are worried about how they don’t measure up and what they can do to compensate. Women think a lot about what they need and want from their husbands to fulfill their lives. Of course this is different for everyone, but I know this is how my marriage has been in the past. I would feel unfulfilled and made it up to my husband to fix it. In turn that always made him feel inadequate. Things became much better when I took responsibility for my own happiness, communicated in a kind way the things I needed from my husband, and was generous with compliments and praise towards him.

  • Jenny

    I think the last one is the most important. The longer that I’m in a relationship, the more I realize how much a man depends on his spouse for emotional support, although it may be subtle. He may love to spend time with the boys, but you are the only person he can open up to. If he gets emotional around his buddies, it freaks them out. If he runs to his mom, he’s a momma’s boy. If he opens up to his siblings, they might laugh at him, depending on who they are. The wife is the only person a man can open up to without social consequences, and I have learned to be more sensitive of it and treat it with care. I see a lot of women throw away chances to connect with their spouses better because they miss the cues, because they assume he doesn’t care, causing them to say and do things– oftentimes unknowingly– that make their husbands build even higher walls. Men listen and pay more attention than you think. And they care. They need reassurance just as much as women do.

  • Me

    My husband told me recently that i was his best friend i loved that but it wasnt until after i said it first ive noticed most men are unsure of what emotional things they can and cant admit so it helps to give them lots of understanding freedom in that department, be honest first, play around in ways they like and make sure they trust you 100 percent or the emotional honesty will be less likely to happen, ive weve been married for 7 years ( together for 10) and since making God my number one my husband became so much more open with me and we are so strong now, i pray that every marriage reaches its full potential because God sure can turn a mess into a miracle 🙂

  • Romeo Santana

    I would add to #1 that when we are afraid and we can’t show it, we substitute it with anger, because anger is okay to show and we believe it is expected behavior from us.

  • Stacey

    I love the 4th secret because my husband sometimes tells me I’m his best friend when we cuddle and talk about each other. The first one, I know that he is afraid, especially being an active duty soldier in the Army, but he gets through the day by coming home to me and being able to cook for both of us :). The sex thinking, maybe he thinks more about it than he performs it, but thats just him!

  • Trib

    I noticed most of the comments, if not almost all are from women. I’ve got to say from the very first date my wife and I went on I have been completely honest with her. I was tired of the dating scene, and pretty much swore it off. I was busy getting my youngest son through the two years of high school. But where I worked I saw this woman every night coming home, and she had the most beautiful smile I had ever seen. So one night I asked her, if she was single, and if she was, would she like to go out to dinner some night. She looked at me with that smile and said yes she would. Because I was tired of dating, after dinner I asked her if she would like to here my life story. Answer, yes. So after sitting several hours going through my life, she told me what hers was like. And we have been together ever since. That’s 15 years now, and she is still my best friend. Our relationship has always been transparent and honest. Were each others life, so to speak. If she is, or has trouble, she knows I will be there to help. And it works the same for me. Everything is beautiful for us together. It took one marriage each, and a lot of live in relationships for me over many, many years. But that night I asked her out was like finding someone you have been looking forever for. Nothing can take us apart. And it will be as in our vows, till death do us part! We love each other so much, we can’t imagine anyone else for us.

  • Jlaz

    This is for Michelle and her husband who won’t have sex but will look at porn or go see strippers. I’m so sorry for all the lame advice you getting like maybe he’s got lie testosterone or maybe you should ask him what he likes. I’m sorry but when did it become your issue when he is the one doing wrong?! I don’t believe in divorce but I do believe in boundaries and standing for love in marriage. So why do you put up with this? Seriously the man won’t stop unless you show him what he loses out on. BUT realize at the same time he needs counseling and maybe you do too. There is a reason he’s doing this and it’s not normal regardless of what society says about men. Stand up for yourself and your marriage and say no to bad behavior. Life isn’t forever and marriage should be a process of purification of crap out of our lives and a place we can grow together, otherwise what’s the point? It’s not just procreation and sex, those things will fade with age and time. Deal with the root of this and fast. I’m pretty sure sex life will resume and be wonderful as a natural product of confronting this bad behavior.

  • Rhonda Reid

    Annette, you’ve hit the nail on the head! Great comment!

  • Amanda

    Most true for mine except the sex part….he has alot of pain and im the one that never gets to sharw that w him nemore bc hes in too much pain…he thinks about it the want is there but the pain keeps him from acting on it and we are in our 30s..its rough

  • Christine George

    I’m not usually the one to read ANY blogs because I believe in having my own opinion and way of thinking. But I have become more fond of your advice and marriage insight. Your research really gives me something to work with and apply to my marriage which isn’t perfect but I certainly strive for with your help and dedication. Thanks for helping me keep the faith.

  • SCB

    I’m really sorry to hear about that. Pleas keep praying, and maybe you should go see a counsellor about it, as well as him? Sex is psychological as well as physical. He may have some unresolved issues about it, and it’s certainly hurting you so you could use some wise support too.

  • SCB

    Yes, to me that sends clear signals of an emotionally/verbally abusive relationship. You need to get some help and possibly get out

  • SCB

    that doesn’t sound good.

  • SCB

    uncalled for. you don’t “deserve” sex and no woman “owes” it to you, not even your wife. Women are perceptive. If you expect it and hold a woman in debt, why would she want to be intimate with you? You’re just using her.

  • Guest

    I was in the army for over 6 years and yes being afraid is part of the job. I know my wife is amazing for always being their for me. I think the strongest kind of woman is a wife of a soldier or a wife that is married to a prior soldier. It is crazy how much a wife goes through because being a soldier is probably hardest job in the world.

  • Andrew Allen

    I was in the army for over 6 years and yes being afraid is part of the job. I know my wife is amazing for always being their for me. I think the strongest kind of woman is a wife of a soldier or a wife that is married to a prior soldier. It is crazy how much a wife goes through because being a soldier is probably hardest job in the world. Keep up with your hard work

  • Andrew Allen

    That’s amazing

  • New Wife

    I’m learning more about about fe/male differences and I’d like more details on #3. In general if a marriage has a frequent and healthy sex life what are husbands thinking about sex? How often? The encounter last night with his wife, what he’d like to do that night, how she looked when she surprised him with new lingerie, the woman on the billboard or TV or the one wearing skimpy clothes at the mall, something he’d like to try with his wife, how she looked when she reached orgasm?

    Also men, my husband seems to have a hard time talking about sex-what he likes, what he’d like to try, even asking for sex. I think I do a good job of making it safe for him but maybe I don’t understand the male perspective well enough. do you have advice for me on how to help him open up? We have only been married 3 years and I was more comfortable talking about sex in the beginning but now I don’t talk about it much either bc he just seems uncomfortable so it makes me uncomfortable.

    We do have a good sex life with 3-4/week frequency and neither of us deny the other. I really want to continue to grow in this area of our marriage. Thank you!

  • Ruanda

    Um, men ARE finding cures for cancer and disease … not just the monkeys!… I really don’t think you should assume just because you are the way YOU are that every man under the sun is the same way – that is what is put into the minds of boys and men every day by idiots like you! How and why would a man gauge the health of their relationship on how much sex he and his partner have when SOME men are jerking off to every other woman until they can no longer get it up for their wives ? How does that work exactly? Because he contests he still loves her and still finds her attractive and she is a more than willing partner. Here is a female secret … we aren’t blind, meaning we are just as visual as any man … and we aren’t stupid … some of us know that our guy has tons more fun bopping his baloney to porn, victoria’s secret catalog .. or the girl that just gave him a rub down at the chiropractors office. So honey, if I’m too tired tonight I won’t feel bad, you probably already masturbated twice today, just do it again and call it a night!

  • Ruanda

    yeah well, wakeup! You don’t have to fall for all that luring now do you. We all have minds of our own and make our own decisions sooo when are we going to OWN that and stop blaming our gender for how we are? And do you mean to tell me you still want it later? From the same woman? Haven’t you read the article by a man that says you men lose interest in your wives :sexually: in oh say 24-36 months? So what then, are we just imagery holes after that? What woman wants to be that? And don’t even act like you don’t know what you are doing!

  • Ruanda

    I wish my husband would have loved the two children I brought forth. Instead he took a liking to the internet and stayed up every night all night feeding his eyes with whatever he pleased while pleasing himself. Then he would sleep all day while I raised the kids. I do resent him for this, because I cant go back and do it over ya know? And after almost 30 years we are still together .. the only difference is that I will not accept him being a pig anymore. We have nothing to show for our lives … live paycheck to paycheck and things pretty much suck but HE claims to be happy, about what Idk! maybe the next time he gets to see some boobs .. thats how disgustingly simple and immature he is.