5 secrets wives don’t tell their husbands

5 secrets wives don’t tell their husbands May 9, 2014

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I recently wrote a post called 4 things husbands don’t tell their wives which stirred up a lot conversation and debate. As a follow up, many have asked for a list of the “secrets” wives don’t tell their husbands.

Since I’m a guy, I’m obviously not an expert on this, so I asked my wife, Ashley, to share her insights. Below are the results of my conversation with Ashley as well as research from the thousands of interactions we’ve had with wives online.

In addition to the insights below, Ashley and I share several hours of marriage-building content in our new video series, “Best Sex Life Now”.  

Each mariage is different, so this isn’t a “one-size-fits-all” approach that applies to every wife, but we’re convinced that these “secrets” represent many (if not most) wives. We hope these insights spark more mutual understanding and healthy communication between husbands and wives. That’s the whole point of these posts.

5 things most women struggle to communicate to their husbands.

1. We want you to be able to read our “Non-verbals”

It’s not that we expect our husbands to be “mind readers” (although that would be nice); we simply want them to be attentive to our nonverbal cues and respond accordingly. We want a bond of communication and intimacy that goes deeper than mere words. In short, we want our husbands to pay attention to us.

2. We often feel like we don’t measure up.

Everywhere we look we see airbrushed supermodels or picture on Instagram from our friends who seem to have perfect houses and perfect children. It can create an overwhelming pressure to “measure up” to impossible standards. We don’t often voice these feelings of inadequacy, but we feel them.

3. We like it when you lead.

This is a controversial thought, because women are just as capable as men, but it gives us a sense of security when you take on the responsibility to be a Servant-Leader in the home. We never want to be bossed or bullied, but there are times when we want you to take the lead. Your courage and confidence gives us courage and confidence.

4. We want you to pitch in more around the house.

We probably tell you this already, but we think it even more than we say it! We need your partnership in every aspect of parenting and home life. We always think you’re handsome, but you’re smoking hot in those moments we see you doing the dishes or folding laundry!

5. We want to always be beautiful in your eyes.

Whether we’re eighteen or eighty-years-old, we want to know that you think we’re beautiful and you only have eyes for us. Even on the days we’re feeling sick, tired, overweight, frustrated and disappointed with ourselves, your love and adoration has the power to make us feel beautiful.

For more ways to build a rock-solid marriage, please check out our bestselling book*, iVow: Secrets to a Stronger Marriage which is now also available for download on iTunes for iPhones and iPads.

iVow front cover Amazon.com

For daily encouragement and more marriage-building tools, please connect with me on twitter.

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What Are Your Thoughts?leave a comment
  • Chris

    I diasagree with #5

    After so many times of being told you are beautiful when you feel like you are not, it loses its magic. I think my wife is the most beautiful woman in the world and yet I think she gets more from being told that by a stranger than from me.

    She finds it hard to believe that I think she is beautiful when she is sick or tired. To me the circumstances do not matter….she is always beautiful

  • Vedet van Schalkwyk

    Thank you so much for your awsome page! I just love your insights on marriage even though I’m not even married jet.

    Practical stuff that contains a lo of substance and which couples can apply in their lives.

    Keep up the inspiring work guys!

  • John griffin

    Good advice I do most of these . But I don’t agree with women being just as capable as men . I do believe that kind of thinking has caused a lot of problems in marrage . Women and men play different roles we both are designed for different things . Men are natural born leaders and the Warriors . It’s up to us to live up to that . When women try to Take that from us because they think they are just as good at it that takes the wind right out of our sails . Women are natural born to nurture. Now I’m not saying men are better than women some would say I am . I just believe one can’t exists without the other. And are differences and strengths should be respected by one another, and this can be applied to the marriage.

  • Kaitlin

    Absolutely LOVE this!! Took the thoughts right out of my head! !!

  • Leisa

    adding to #1 – not just our “non-verbal cues”, but our “flat-out, said it out loud cues”. there really are things that our “ears” need to actually *hear*, and our hearts need to feel – from our husbands.

  • Hey Chris, I was a wife for 15 yrs before he passed away. you are right sometimes we get that way, like, ” oh, you don’t mean it” or “you’re only saying it cause you’re suppose to”. I did it too. sometimes we need to see it more than hear it. Try to find ways to show her how beautiful you think she is. Things she would like that would send that specific message straight to her heart. When is the last time you simply gazed at her with out her knowing (she’ll notice) or gaze lovingly into her eyes, caress her face while she is sleep etc…all that new love stuff! just don’t do anything that will get on her nerves…opposite message!

  • Rose

    My husband will often ask what’s wrong but I have nothing to say. Not because I expect him to read my mind but I observed a change that seemed to happen overnight. He always text me first thing in the morning and sends random texts throughout the day, would call multiple times a day and ALWAYS text or call before heading home from work. In 1day it all changes and instead of sweet messages I am confronted with, “what’s wrong with you?” I didn’t want to tell him I noticed a change in behavior and as time passed the distance grew over a 6 month time frame I noticed drastic changes in time spent at home, trips to the store alone (in the past whenever possible we would always go everywhere together), decrease in texts and calls so i assume he is cheating.

    I don’t want to tell someone to love me. If it doesn’t come natural then it should not be? Especially after you mention how much you miss his silly messages throughout the day and you are met with well the phone is a 2 way device….you can answer and call. Problem is I have called and get no answer and text(one day 20 something text confessing my love and weaknesses and faults and begging for healing within our marriage) nothing. I got nothing replayed for 8 hours. Then I got, “I love u” . He says I’m overreacting but now it’s to the point bills are not paid and he manages to make me feel it is my fault. I am broken and believe marriage is forever but I do not want my children to grow up believing this is the way a man should treat them.

  • Helene

    Each of these is very accurate. For those that have commented about the wife appreciating the “you are beautiful” comment more from someone other than her husband, there may be an underlying reason for it. If the husband is involved in activities that she is not comfortable with, it can make her feel inadequate and not able t measure up to these activities. Do you flirt with her? Do you still court her and try to woo her? Did that part of your relationship end when you said “I do?” These are just questions that you might want to ask yourself. Is she still worth courting? And if the answer is yes, then do it. You know what she likes.

  • AmRenRea

    1920 wants their close minded, ignorant gender stereotypes back.

  • Brittney

    I tell my man all of these things. And…he makes it happen. 🙂 Communication is key, people.

  • Yvonne

    I think you should add #6 we enjoy the sexual aspect of our marriage too. We may not be as forward about it but we want to feel desired and desirable. Also I agree with #5- I happen to love “catching” my husband staring at me with love (and lust) in his eyes.

  • kurt

    1- A valid desire, just don’t get intentionally cryptic and then mad when I can’t figure out that no doesn’t really mean no and yes doesn’t really mean yes.

    2- I can’t fix your self-image/esteem issues. Chances are you don’t measure up, so you can either fix it or accept it.

    3- Then don’t constantly fight me on it. I don’t care either way, and I’d just as soon not argue about it.

    4- Then feel free to pitch in more around my office.

    5- Then earn it.

    The amount of emotional abuse women dump on men in a relationship is really what this article should have been about.

  • Bikko Steve

    Fantastic views! this wealth of knowledge I think is vital both to the married and those still planning to join the ship soon, like I. Thanks for this page.

  • I think maybe You missed the point a little on that one.

    It’s not just about saying those words to her. I runs deeper than that. And of course she will say that to You that’s what she does. That doesn’t mean You stop pouring that affection into her. Creating a culture of “the circumstances don’t matter. You are so beautiful.” Way deeper than words, I think. 🙂

  • Marie

    Hit all 5 right on target!!

  • Rachel Adamson

    I have to agree with all of these. The ones that stick out for me are the verbal and non verbal cues.I really believe that these get ignored. For being the leader means getting the last word. Which doesn’t always solve the problem at hand.

  • Jan McClungShort

    I feel that the love my husband shows me is big. I hear him say that I am beautiful, but if my spirit doesn’t hear it, I think Right, what does he want from me.

  • Tara

    I am a Army wife. Yes back in the old days that’s how it was and I wish it was the same now but we have families not bring there sons up that way any more. My first husband was good to me all the way up to I said I do after that he stopied. He wouldn’t work we had 2 kids. I had to work 2 jobs find a good sitter for my kids BC that husband would not change a dipper BC that’s the wife’s job as he put it. Came home did all the cleaning had to go without food BC he would take mine. So yes we have to step up and be every part strong ones and the caring ones BC there are not many men out their that do it any more. My husband now yes he dose but he has to go on deployments go to schools things like that when he is home with the kids he is the one that gets to be loving and caring BC he is gone to much and now I have 4 kids. So yes we have to take the man roll BC there is hardly any men out there. We have had to learn to stand up and fight for our self and kids BC the so called man will not. Now I do agree we shouldn’t have to but in 95% of the time we are made to BC a man will not.

  • Donna Hamilton

    I agree.

  • Andrea Trent

    Having been hurt by this in the past and still trying to recover my ability to trust, I would add, “Husbands, choose your wife’s feelings over those of your family of origin when your family members are treating her like an outcast.” Your wife is yours and she must know you remain committed to her like that.

  • Absolutely! Especially #3. I am very capable of running our household, but it would mean so much for my husband to take on the role of Servant-Leader I our house. I don’t feel that it in any way detracts from my status.

  • jeanette

    My loving husband already does all five of these 😉

  • Danielle

    I think also love it when husband’s brag or talks highly about their wives to others. It makes the wife feel like a proverbs 31 wife in all we do. More appreciation.

  • Sandy

    Coming from a wife that would love to hear my husband tell me how beautiful I am. I would love to feel that I am the most beautiful woman to him. It maybe flattering to hear it from strangers, but it would mean the world to me to hear it from my husband. Knowing he thinks I am beautiful is alot more important than a stranger thinking it.

  • Tony

    I love the way you think! Don’t get me wrong. I understand that you shouldn’t have to communicate every little thing, but if you are feeling something or desire something more, just let your man know. He will make it happen (or at least I would).

  • Jas

    I love this! I know my husband loves me and will do anything for me. His a great man his a hardworking man and a great dad to my daughter! I feel like our marriage not what I want. Us women we need Love and I don’t mean LOVE as Sex!! a women can feel so special by being surprised (homemade dinner, a massage when she’s tired, flowers etc) I don’t need material stuff to be happy i just need him to understand I don’t feel like a women should feel.. i feel like our marriage is a routine! I’m tired of talking to him and explaining to him what I really want from him. I want him to show me how much I mean for him that’s all I want! When i feel sad I sit there and talk to him and get no answer seems like I’m talking to a wall. When he makes me mad I have to apologized because he say’s nothing. I love him but sometimes i feel like I’m alone and reading this really makes me feel a little better.

  • Eric Green

    I do all 5, #1 is the only one I have some trouble with, sometimes I get it sometimes I don’t, but my wife told me that her mother told her one day, “Eric loves you, no, Eric is in love with you, he absolutely adores you”, if my mother – in – law can see it, I must be doin something right, we’ve been married for 19 years, I don’t want my kids to go through what I went through, so I put EFFORT into my marriage

  • C.G.

    Ashley said “we want to know that you think we’re beautiful and you only have eyes for us.” I am wife to a husband that tells me I’m beautiful but has eyes that stare at other women. I also agree with Ashley that there is an overwhelming pressure to measure up to other women, wives, and mothers. It’s not necessarily because of what we see in the world around us, but if our own husbands are confirming that we have competition, it definitely brings rejection and hurt into the relationship.

  • Jen

    So, Kurt, about #4 … pitching in around your office.

    I work full-time and I still do the majority of the house work and all the cooking/laundry. So before you make a blanket statement, maybe you should possibly think. This is 2014, not 1950. Here’s another mind-blowing fact: I’m the bread-winner!

    If I were a man, I could easily say that I shouldn’t do any of the household work or planning … I’m far too busy making the money to worry about that, right?

    I don’t play mind-games with my husband and disagree with nearly all of these, except #3 and #4.

    Women’s emotional abuse? Naw, it’s more men being lazy wimps or worse, overbearing a-holes. Get a strong woman in your life, and I’m sure you’d be singing a different tune.

  • Cory

    I fully agree with you, John. Every time I see a comment like this it never fails that a feminazi will take it the wrong way and through an ignorant response, but I don’t believe what you are saying is intended to degrade women in any way. It’s clearly evident that men and women’s bodies and minds are built differently. One isn’t better than the other. We’re designed to handle different aspects of life, so that together we can progress through anything.

    Say you had a hammer and a wrench…you COULD use the hammer to tighten bolts or the wrench to drive nails, but if you apply each one to the task best suited it makes for a better process. That doesn’t mean the wrench is better than the hammer, or vice versa. It simply means they were designed to handle different challenges.

  • jason

    So what hapoens when u do everything u can to show your spouse and say everthing u feel and they cheat……what then…..

  • Cory

    Brittney, thank God for women like you.

  • Tommy

    1. Non-verbals, I suggest hand signals! We recognize “ugly” looks but we lack discernment on specific reasons, most of the time!

    2. If dishes, laundry & cooking are hot…then I’m FIRE!

    3. When we lead, we need no reminders later on when we goof up…we do have memories too…memories of failures & goof ups tend to try and stick around…js!

  • I changed it around a little bit and sent it to my boyfriend. He is strong, accomplished, sexy, polite, and financially stable. He is the whole package and there are times when I am afraid I don’t measure up. He never says anything negative and always makes me feel beautiful.

  • Val

    She prob does appreciate it more when other people tell her she looks beautiful since you disagree with #5 and are not telling her everyday. If you’re not paying attention to her someone else probably is, & that can be very dangerous

  • Karen

    I don’t know if men realize that if/when they ogle other women and make comments about how great they look that it totally undermines whatever they have said to us along the lines of #5.

    I was on a church bus when a suggestive commercial came on the TV screen. The pastor made loud appreciative sounds. The other men felt encouraged to follow suit.

  • Jessica

    Negative much there Kurt? If your relationship is perfect, yay for you. If it’s not, maybe you should look at what you wrote and reevaluate yourself. This is an advice article to help men in relationships. There’s also an article for women to try to understand men. If we all understood each other and knew how to handle the opposite sex better maybe there would be less divorces/cheating/separations.

  • If all men could just do some of those things on our list we would be for ever happy. And would not look elsewhere …

  • Faith Wilson

    As a wife, I would love to know that my husband thinks I am the most beautiful woman to him and that I am the only one for him. #5 is so important for a wife to feel this.

  • Mandy

    ^^ Your comment is so heartbreaking. I’m not sure what woman caused your trust issues and caused you to become incompassionate but I pray that God sends you a woman that changes your life and causes you to look at love, life, and marriage in a whole new way.

  • Richard

    Wow!

    I believe its a two way street. We feed off of eachother and everyone has a role to play and yes there has to be compromises sometimes. Not all women have made good wives and not all men have made good husbands. I understand that the man is the provider, protector, leader and so on. And situation dictates if he becomes ill, injured ir unemployed. However, recently in a college sociology class a female instructor scrutinized the male dominance in the family circle saying women are sexually suppressed and why should women stay at home and depend on men. So with this mentality and attitude men have to contend at times even so within the God fearing community.

  • Richard

    It is mandatory for my my son’s to be self sufficient and to do for others. They know how to make their beds, clean their rooms, warsh clothes, wash dishes, sweep, mop and how to cook. What concerns me is I don’t see girls being taught to do this but to sleep in late and rival the male for power or control. This concerns me, what awaits my son’s in their future. And the influence in colleges.

  • Terry

    It’s not a 1920s stereotype. It’s scientific fact.

  • Suzanne M

    Chris,

    Some of us never ever hear those words. Never. No matter what we do, how much weight we lose, how we do our hair, makeup or if we don’t. So, for some of us, hearing those words would be the most meaningful thing in the world as we truly wonder.

  • Geoff Linville

    5 secrets husbands don’t keep from their wives about responding to the “5 secrets wives don’t tell their husbands.”

    1) We don’t want to. Most of us can’t even read an instruction manual so how are we supposed to read your “non-verbals?” Besides, we get in trouble when we get it wrong… and we get it wrong ALL THE TIME!

    2) Then you are using the wrong measuring device. Quit projecting your own contrived inadequacies into our court. We are married to you because we care more about how wonderful you are and less about how you think you look to others. Grow up… you aren’t in high school anymore.

    3) See #1.

    4) Ditto.

    5) You are the women we come home to. You are the people we struggle with. You are there for every tear. I can’t think of anything more beautiful than that. You are filet mignon and just because sometimes a cheeseburger looks good, doesn’t mean we want it MORE.

  • Jaclyn

    I agree with all if these. I can never be told enough by my husband that I’m beautiful. I can tell he truly means it just by his eyes when he says it.

  • Hope

    #5 For me its not being told im beautiful all the time its the way he looks at me, speaks of me and treats me. When ive had an awful day and I look a crazy mess, he pushes back my hair and gives me a kiss on the forehead, that majes me feel beautiful more than words could.

    #4 what wife wants to either feel overwhelmed and overworked or like she is going to be a naggy wife to ask more than once for help. Again actions are better than words. Him helping around the house show me how mich he cares

  • Jenise

    Confront him. Even if you don’t say it in your post, you think he is cheating. You deserve to know the truth. Let him know. Put him on notice. You are AWARE of what is happening, you are his wife, and you deserve some answers. I will pray for you and your sweet family Rose.

  • DMarie

    I am blessed to have a husband who does all of these since the day we met. It never gets old to hear him say “I’ve got a beautiful wife”. He doesn’t just tell me, he shows it. I often catch him staring at me with a smile. Sometimes he just watches me sleep. If I don’t know anything else about my husband, I know he is absolutely crazy about me. I know without a shadow of a doubt I am the apple of his eye. He makes me feel like the most beautiful woman in the world, even when I don’t feel my best.

  • patricia

    This is so spot on for me i love it

  • rscott

    I wish my husband will say I am beautiful. In the 13 years or so we have been together I have never once heard it.

  • Kristi

    I disagree with you, Chris. Maybe it’s your timing that’s off and often we tell our husbands they’re full of it, but we really can’t get enough of it. I hate having to ask, “do I look alright” or “how do I look.” It should be offered up automatically, especially after I spent an hour or two, to get ready to go somewhere. Remember, it takes so little to put a smile on our face and remind us we are the most important person in your life, and one of those ways is to tell us we’re beautiful.

  • Kristi

    I agree with you 100%. We compliment each other in our differences.

  • Kristi

    OMG!!!! You are always the best person to judge what’s going on. I’m sorry you’re going through this, but keep your head up. You have children after all. You’ll know what to do. Trust yourself.

  • Kristi

    Yes ma’am.

  • Kristi

    Kurt, if this had happened more than once, then it’s time to look in the mirror. Every woman in the world could not be wrong.

  • Kristi

    So true. Would you rather be happy or be right? Lol.

  • Kristi

    So true. You have started a new life and your wife should be the most important person in your life.

  • Kristi

    Yay !!!!!

  • Kristi

    YES !!!!!!

  • Whitney

    Can’t help but agree with the lady wanting her husband to compliment her. I’m pregnant with our second baby and feel like a blimp, it’s been several SEVERAL months maybe even longer since my husband has complimented me. Although I have had a few glances from other men, I’d much rather have my husband say or do something to make me feel beautiful.

  • Kristi

    Oh that’s terrible. No one should ever feel their alone in a marriage. Only you can do something about it, but be careful that you don’t make a rash decision that you’ll regret later.

  • Kristi

    Good for you. You sound wonderful.my husband I’d too. We’ve been married for 25 years. The one thing I always have to remember is that I’m not a mind reader so why would I think he is. It sounds to me like you are right on track. Keep it up for a happy future.

  • Rebecca

    #5 Covers them all.

  • Rebecca

    Wow. I just read comments before mine and was shocked by the men’s comments. These things are such basic principles of relationship yet men actually argue angrily against them? Really?? Men, if you really don’t want to get to know the wan you love well enough to read her, help out, and make her feel valued and beautiful, Please for heavens sake, DON’T GET MARRIED!! Do a study on what the word “husband” means and consider if you’re man enough to wear it.

  • Rich

    Kurt u are absolutely correct. And Kristi, yes every woman can b wrong. If women ever thought logically, I might agree but let’s face it, men are the logical thinkers, that’s why we build things, and women are illogical emotional and manipulative which is why u all cry when we don’t pay attention to u. Want to b treated equal? Buck up and deal wit shit without crying about it, then maybe we will care. Until then, realize we we’re put here for different reasons and shut up please. By the way my wife agrees with all of this. She’s standing over my shoulder encouraging me. Thank y everybody.

  • Bobbie

    I agree trust and communication are key to keep a relationship rock solid!! not saying every day is perfect but hubby and I are celebrating 20 years together this July, marriage takes work to keep it going if you don’t water your garden it will not blossom!!

  • Jimmy

    They forgot #6. Nothing is ever good enough. Because once you’ve done all those things, said those things, shown those things, there’s still more the woman wants the man to do. Or more she expects from the man. Nothing will ever be good enough.

  • Neil

    OK, I’m single… the past 6+ years. I was Married for 20 years, so I’ve seen and experienced a lot. #1 and #2, ladies… get over it… even though we will read your non-verbal communication at times, learn to make it verbal. You will be much happier, and he will be challenged to be as verbal as needed. #2… if you feel like you don’t measure up, its because there may be some improvement needed, but understand we as men also have improvements to make. I also struggled being over weight later in our marriage. She still loved me, but it was when I stopped falling in love with her daily,,, stopped working on improving our relationship, improving my self is when she looked else-where. Improve yourself and you will improve your marriage. When we as Man and Women stop being selfish and continue to serve one another, then we will progress in the oneness God speaks of for us to become. Oh, yes… did I not mention our relationship with our Father, creator… who knows us better than we know ourselves? His Grace is sufficient…

  • lovely “d”

    My husband speaks highly of me, he acknowledges me, he tells me im beautifull every morning, he always opens the doors for me, he chases me, he tks me on dates, he protects me, im his priority, all final decisions r always his. Does it make a difference?? Hell yeah! We have been married 22 years n we r at our prime time together! R we perfect? No….we r firm believers everything a man tells a woman can either give life! Or create death inside…and vise versa…we both choose to speak life! 😉 ♡

  • Jackie

    Though the feminist inside wants to throw a fit, I do agree to this. For example, women see a wider variety of colors than men do, because we have traditionally, and historically, been the gathers. Genders simply have different strengths. That doesn’t mean women are beneath men, it means we are standing next to them to support each other in a strong marriage and family.

  • George

    One thing to remember, God took the rib of Adam, from his side. That makes us equal partners. 🙂

  • lmb

    Beautiful doesn’t always mean just looks.. It’s the way a husband looks or hugs or appreciates his wife even in those moments we don’t feel too special. An adoration that says “I’m the luckiest man, I’ve got a great woman.”

  • chelsie trangmoe

    Hello chris, sending this to you because I am that very person who like your wife you can tell her many many times that she is beautiful and it doesn’t sink in. My husband tells me I am beautiful but there is always a but involved. But see its more than just saying and doing is what makes it mean more its respect if you break her heart or lie to her then that word beautiful doesn’t mean anything to her. For myself my husband has broken my trust and broken my heart each day he tells me I am beautiful it hurts worse coming from his mouth. Other people not just men and maybe less than a handful have actually told me I was beautiful in 10 years makes you wonder if you are actually pretty. Its the validation from others that lets you know that heck I am pretty. But like I said earlier its trust for me that makes me feel ugly. Just a piece of an idea why I do it.

  • M

    My husband told me that I am definitely not beautiful in his eyes. I am praying God would tell me what I am supposed to do with that.

  • Dana Tski

    I agree with some but not all. number 2, For me, if I feel I don’t measure up, that is on me. I am far from perfect, will never be a size 2, etc, and have many flaws. Really, who is perfect? If I cannot love myself, then why should I expect my husband to? And, if there is something I don’t like, I try to change it.. but for me, not for my husband. Of course I want my husband to think I’m beautiful, but for the right reasons. I want him to think I am beautiful for who I am as a person mainly, not on outer appearances alone. That. Never lasts.

    And yes, by all means lead this family. Take that stress away please!

    Just be smart about it.

  • Jamie

    I agree 100%. I am very self conscience and my husband knows that. Women tend to be very critical of themselves and see more flaws than beauty. We don’t mean to make our husbands feel as if we value other’s opinions on our beauty more then theirs, some of us just don’t see our own beauty.

  • Dana Tski

    Marriage is teamwork. Husbands and wives need to share their lives with each other, and not shut the other out. Men and women communicate differently. We need to figure out how our own individual spouse communicates best and go from there. But that means once you decipher this, remember it and do what you need to do to reassure the other in their way.

  • angie

    As a wife for 10 years I agree with all 5 areas. I truly agree with #5. I know that I am beautiful and I believe that my husband thinks that I am as well but it is not in the saying but the doing. It would be nice to feel that I am the show stopper to him again. Feeling that my beauty and presence commands his immediate attention sometime.

  • Bridget

    There is a book by Emerson Eckridge called, Love and Respect. For those who are invested in their marriage, this is a powerful read for both husband and wife. My husband and I both consider ourselves to have a great marriage but are never too arrogant to believe it can’t be even greater still. I always tell my husband that he is the best man I’ve ever known and that he should teach marriage classes for men. He isn’t perfect but he loves me like Christ loved the church. The simple thing I feel he does best is genuinely paying attention to me. It isn’t in the big, extravagant actions that he makes me feel loved but the little everyday ways he shows me he cares. It means the world to me. I believe the biggest problems in marriage lie in trying to go through it without Gods truth and selfishness. If we both commit to putting the others needs above our own, we both are fulfilled.

  • Deb

    Chris, I do understand where you are coming from…I hope. Honesty. Honesty is so much more important than your man telling you are ‘beautiful’ while you are blowing your nose, have cotton mouth and feeling nauseous simultaneously. Come one, really? I would believe him more if he just treated me like I was a delicate flower during this unfortunate time, than tell me a lie. Yes, #5 is a bit far fetched.

  • Alicia

    Whitney, I was the same way when I was pregnant with or second. And I’d hear him trying to make his pregnant friend feel better (as she wasn’t getting attention from her husband), telling her she’s still beautiful. But he never one said it to me. When I confronted him all he said was, you already know you’re beautiful. It sucks when you want to hear it most and you don’t. Chris, it is important to say it often but show it more. Actions speak louder than words.

  • Alicia

    I think the party that got taken wrong was that women aren’t as capable. We most definitely are just as capable. It’s a matter of if we have to use that or not. If the man isn’t standing up to his role, we are capable to fulfill the parts he is lacking. I do agree that we have different roles, but the article wasn’t talking about that, it was talking about us being capable.

  • Tiffany

    I agree with all of this! Thank you!

  • Pam

    I agree with what you said. I also think that men and women have their roles in life and marriages. I don’t want to do what my husband does. I don’t care to be the one to take care of mechanical thinks or maintenance things. I can if I need to but I don’t want to. I’m fine taking care of the house, the kids, the cooking, cleaning, shopping or whatever else needs to be done at home. My husband works overseas every other month so I am responsible for these mechanical or maintenance things when he’s gone. I am capable just as he is capable of doing my household things. He just doesn’t want to. He will if he has to but that’s not something he likes doing. So yes, I don’t see that as being a throwback to the 20s or even the 50s. That’s just how women and men are made.

  • Jessica McKay

    Chris,

    You are right, sometimes it is more confirming to hear from a stranger that you’re beautiful. But when you know that your husband loves you even when you’re not beautiful or don’t feel beautiful is what really counts.

    For example:

    I asked my husband the other day. Do you get sick of me looking the same everyday! (I’m a stay at home mom so that would be hair in ponytail, t-shirt, and shorts) He said ” Do you get tired of me looking the same way everyday? My husband is bald (so there is no different hairstyle for him) and he pretty much dresses the same way everyday. Never once have I ever thought ” I really wish he would dress different.” He made me realize that he loved me exactly the way I loved him. UNCONDITIONAL!

  • Pam

    Very true. My husband is my best friend. We tell each other everything. We’ve been married for 27 years, have two children and two grandchildren. If there is something one or the other of us needs we simply open our mouths and ask. We are at the point in our lives that we can travel and get away just the two of us and we are having the time of our lives. Your comment is dead on. Communication is key!

  • Pam

    Wow, Rich. How illogical of you to say all women are wrong, manipulative, illogical, and cry babies. I have to disagree with pretty much all that you’ve said. I do think that men and women have their different roles in life but I don’t think that either one’s role is quite as demeaning as you describe. If men were the only logical ones then maybe you can explain why there are far more men in prison than women. Is it because they thought out their criminal plans so logically that they were caught at it? I mean, criminal activity IS so logical. I also think it’s very admirable that you actually know EVERY woman in the world to be able to say without doubt that they are ALL the same. Please forgive me for not remembering having met you. Maybe you could also convey my deepest condolences to your dear wife for having been allotted a position behind your back. I’m sure that when she has been a good girl you may even let her participate in your marriage occasionally. I’m sure it’s probably never occurred to you that you’re a sexist pig so I feel that I should probably give you a heads up on that one “big guy”. Although you know me so much better than I know myself, I thought I would just let you know also that I haven’t CRIED since I was 16 years old for anything other than grief. I am now 50 years old and wow I can actually think for myself, make logical decisions, BUILD things (which, by the way, my husband and I remodeled parts of our home. Imagine his surprise when I turned out to be a better carpenter than he) and be a productive person of society in my own rights. So, RICH, maybe you should use that “logical” brain (I use that word loosely in your case) and get a clue about women. Maybe your wife will cheer you on while you do that. You have a nice day now, you hear!

  • Robert

    I made a decision to change jobs, and was firm but not mean about it. My wife was upset, and said we would talk about it that day. She hasn’t spoken to me for 3 days now, and won’t even stay in the same room with me. I’m getting tired of this silent treatment. Is it time for me to leave?

  • Nicole S

    Chris, I agree! I have been married for almost 2 years but we have been together for almost 6. Over time it has lost it’s magic spark. I still love hearing it But as a stay at home mom to 2 boys, my husband gets home and I have dried food on my shirt, my hair up in a daily ponytail, and occasionally the pants I had on from the day before and no shower. To me it sometimes comes across like he says it from habit even though he really genuinely means it. I just read an article that says you should always tell your spouse you love them and to have a good day every morning before your spouse leaves for work, but because it eventually becomes habit too, it also loses a bit of the spark. I understand what all the other comments are saying that it’s not physical beauty this was referring to but let’s be honest, if you tell a woman she’s beautiful when she has barf and boogers on her clothes and makeup smeared from the day before she not gonna believe it’s genuine.

  • April

    Telling your wife she’s beautiful then assaulting every 20-something with your eyes won’t cut it. It would mean a hell of a lot more if my husband kept his eyes on the prize. Honestly words don’t mean anything if actions don’t partner.

  • April

    Yes!

  • Ami

    I’m sure some parents of daughters feels this way as well. My parent taught me to do all those things and taught me values and morals. They often expressed their concerns about my two sisters and I not finding a man like the one you just described who also was taught values and morals. In short, I’m sure if your son picks the right girl for him, it will be one who appreciates all that he is and is a complementary match to him! I found a guy who is amazing and complements me and all the things my parents taught me! Tell him to keep his standards high, not impossibly high, but high enough.. he’ll find a good one 🙂

  • katesa

    So true

  • Betty Jo

    I disagree, my husband and I have been married for 7 years. We are by no means triditional, I work a full time job, while he stays home and takes care of our 5 and 6 year old sons. As far as men should be big strong warriors and women be the nurtuer, it can work like that and Im sure it does for work that way some people. More imporantly you should be what your spouse needs you to be. It can vary from day to day, some days I feel weaker and he steps up to fill in the blanks, but I do the same for him. I am just saying if you stick to what you think you should be it can add more stress to the marrage, where as you are willing to give and be what your spouse needs you to be life seems easier. No 2 couples are the same, but the reason I know my marrage will last is because before he is me husband, he is my best friend. We walk side by side as equals. I never have been good at spelling, but Im sure yall will figure it out.

  • sherry heldenbrand

    This is awesome and sooooo right on the mark…

  • Kwhat

    I agree 100% !! I want my husband to tell me I look beautiful when I feel beautiful!!! Example : when I take 2 hour to get get ready and have nice clothes on !

  • Mindy

    I completely agree with #3. Biblically we women were made as a

    “helper” for our husbands. Time and values have changed and women have made a place for themselves in the “working world”, but we still secretly want you to lead. It’s innate. We were made to be led….

  • Mindy

    Thanks for the book suggestion!!

  • Mindy

    If you are a believer, you are supposed to get your sense of worth from the Word of God…from the fact that although we are all sinners and deserve hell, God loves us enough that He sent His Son…..Your sense of worth should come from God, not man.

  • Brenda

    In reference to # 5

    The writer did not say to tell your wife she is beautiful even when she doesn’t feel like it. He says to let her know you think she is beautiful. Actions speak much louder than any word can. You let your wife know she is the most beautiful woman in your life by a soft caress on her cheek, run your hand down her back, hug her, hold her hand, speak softly, praise her efforts etc. etc.

  • Jenny

    I believe relationships are like a never ending puzzle. Even though you fit together there are pieces missing that you fill in together over time! One person is weak in certain areas so the other picks up slack! (And sometimes that person needs a break from it.) But its not going to work if its Always one sided. Some things work for one couple but not another. If everyone was the same it would be a very boring place to live! But if both men and women would be truthful it would be better for all. If you get a bad taste in your mouth you are always conscious that it could happen again. Let’s learn from it instead…

    Always treat the other person how you want to be treated and when taking to that person try to put one foot in their shoe to understand both sides. And don’t he affriad to ask questions. A lot of women over-analyze… so men try to understand that most of us women cry because we care so much what you think and it scares the mess out of us that we are that vulnerable!

    My #1 advice to all couples… Do all the little things that got you started. It works both ways. And I’m not talking everyday. The little flirts, notes, texts, asking if they want to go on a date, flirting under the table. What ever lit your flame just don’t loose the spark!

  • Barbi

    Hey guys! I’ve been married for17 years and had UPS and downs from the beginning. 5 children alive lost 3 so I’ve been pregnant like for ever. Been a wife mom and a woman deant come easy. We sometimes forget that we are also a person. My advise is to pit your trust in God, find your worth beauty in God first. That doesn’t meant you wouldn’t like your husband to tell you how beautiful you are or how capable or important you are but when bad times comes, when what you see tells you otherwise or what you see its not what you desire …you will be able to stand still and knw from God that He made you in His own Image and likeness, that you are so worth He gave His life for You and that He loovess u unconditionally!!

  • sabrina

    I agree with you John. And maybe if people would pick up the Bible more there would be less argument about the subject, and women wouldn’t get offended when the truth is spoken.

  • Josie Marie.

    I can only speak for myself, even though it’s only been 9yrs so far I still love it when my husband calls me beautiful and I whole heartily believe him when he says it. I can’t really relate to number 2 but the rest are very true.

  • Sharon Luzzi

    Everytime you stare at another woman don’t bother telling us we are beautiful

  • Naomi Sifuentes

    I especially believe number 5. When you tell your wife she’s beautiful AND show your feelings also, she believes it too and it makes for a happier marriage if both of y’all feel in love.

    My husband tells me so. When we’re driving down the road, when I am waking up, when I’m in my jammies or “made up” for a date. And you know what? I believe him. Completely believe him.

  • Alicia B.

    For me, my husband tells me that I am beautiful but, only when I tell him that I don’t think I am beautiful. I really need him to pay more attention to me than he does a gaming screen whether it be the TV screen, computer screen or the phone. He looks at that more than he does me and our kids. The cleaning around the house thing is true too. He does sometimes but only when he wants to do it. Right now he was cleaning the kitchen and that was yesterday, of course he starts a job around the house and doesn’t finish it until he wants to…. If I say anything about it he says I am having an attitude and I need to stop nagging…. typical husband. If I don’t “nag” it doesn’t get done or if I do “nag” he gets it done out of anger… Yeah communication and video games are our issues.

  • Katie

    I agree with a total of one of these. Sometimes we don’t feel like we measure up, but that’s everyone today. I’ll be hoping for a job promotion, not get it, and then get on facebook to see a ton of individuals with job promotions. Everyone has felt like that at one time or another, men and women. As for the rest of it, I don’t agree at all. Why can’t you simply just tell your husband how you are feeling? Why all of this non verbal crap? I don’t play silly little girl games with my husband, I speak to him like an intelligent adult. Using dumb non-verbal cues is asinine. You’re a full grown adult, speak to him like one. Using non verbal cues is not a female thing, it’s a sign of immaturity, just like gossip and slander. Somehow it’s been labeled as a common female thing instead of accepting it’s a flaw. Stop gossiping, stop slandering, and stop expecting everyone to read your mind. It’s never going to happen. Tell him what you want for your birthday up front. Tell him if you’re actually sad. Stop being a self absorbed drama queen and grow the heck up already. No one can read your mind.

  • Anne

    Wow, there are a lot of very blessed women commenting here.

    If your husband gives you compliments then you should count yourself fortunate, for many of us that is just not a reality.

    For all the men out there reading this make sure you are the one filling your wife’s heart till it overflows, then she will find contentment, then there is no room left for the temptations that WILL come her way!

    And for you lonely wives, pray everyday, every hour even that God will be your strength, and give you contentment……..let us all pray for each other sisters!

  • Izzy

    Well, I agree with Nicole (first reply), when my man looks into my eyes or looks at me in a loving way or with a smile, there’s nothing that speaks more to me than that. I melt and I’m all his that very moment he does that.

  • Josie

    Yes every marriage is different but these are common complaints. I know my husband always tells me”I’m not a mind reader” we put out signs and we are not straight out because we are thought a lady should act lady like. I personally do like my husband to take charge of plans, dinners, entertainment, romance because it makes me feel he cares and took the time to plan. But I know sometimes he needs help or wishes I took over. Looking good to our husband is basically tge same it all has to do with appreciation n love. Just like picking up dirty socks. In my opinion I think we keep the truth to avoid hurting them, avoid them from feeling overwhelm with too msny expectations, and to avoid arguments.

  • Pam

    Someone else said it (and may not have meant to or they did it on purpose) – it is not just about saying “oh your pretty” “oh your beautiful” “oh I love the way your hair looks”. It is about feeling it. I have had new glasses for 2 days and my husband didn’t say anything when I pointed it out he said “they are just like the other ones”. Problem is other ones were smaller and red and these are purple. It wasn’t that he didn’t say anything…it was that he didn’t even take notice. If the feeling isn’t there; if the little things that change or don’t change are not noticed then hearing it makes it platitudes and the immediate thought for me is “yeah right”. Touchy topic but as I sat here this morning journaling on a similar issue I kept coming back to the thought that it was all about not paying attention to the needs or wants or even desires of the spouse (male or female) and what do you do to change THAT.

  • Jenna

    SPOT ON

  • Ann

    I don’t need my husband to fold laundry or do dishes. I have my own system and don’t need him to confuse it! He already does plenty by working out of the home, and doing yard work around the house.

  • Carol

    My husband helps me around the house ALOT! I think more than what some men do and probably more than he should. He works 2 jobs (we have 5 kids) if possible he holds 3 jobs. I feel like I don’t appreciate him enough but I also feel like with all his work we don’t have time or don’t know how to make time for us. I just had a talk with my husband about this and I don’t know how to make it work. Finances are tight and time is an issue also. I don’t really have anyone besides my mom to watch my kids and she watches them and helps me with them during the week while I work and attend classes at a university. How can I connect with my husband?

  • Tracy

    Secure people don’t NEED to hear you’re beautiful all the time, BUT just like everything else, common curtosy, love, acceptance, and appreciation are always good for anyone especially between spouses. Coming from a wife who is newly remarried to someone who had an affair yrs before knowing me in his previous marriage and before being saved, this is vital. He is changed so our relationship is different than theirs but still these things help me to continue to trust him.

  • Monika

    To me the ‘non verbal’ one isn’t about playing games–it says right there it’s about paying attention. If you go to meet a friend for lunch and you walk in and can see right away that she’s frazzled and jumpy you might ask her if something is wrong. She isn’t acting that way (hopefully) to test your powers of observation or see if you can read her mind, but when you are paying attention to someone they don’t have to push things through to you by verbalizing everything, you take in the whole picture. When my husband walks in the door I think he can tell my the angle of my shoulders if I’m feeling on top of everything or completely overwhelmed without me having to tell him “I’m having a great day!” or “If I don’t get a break soon I’m going to snap.” When he’s being receptive to me he says things like “You look like you’ve accomplished a lot today!” or “Oh boy, what do you need me to do to help?” When he’s not being receptive he barely glances at me on his way off to take care of whatever is on his mind. I’m not acting or trying to send him signals, and I don’t purposefully not tell him things to see if he can figure them out for himself because I think that is counterproductive, but when someone is really there with you paying attention they receive more input than just verbal.

  • Traci

    I was excited to read this, but number three being one of the “top five things a woman doesn’t tell her husband” tells me that you guys may be out of touch. Or perhaps your wife wasn’t completely upfront with you about what her top five things would be to spare your feelings. We women do that too 😉

  • dave willis

    Carol,
    Praying for you. You might want to look up my previous post on “how to keep your marriage strong through deployment” which has some practical insights for building your marriage even when time is limited.

  • Laura

    Boy, you did a great job with this one, especially #2!

  • Just for thought provoking… 1. We want you to be able to read our “Non-verbals”: how can our husbands know what cues they are supposed to pay attention to if we dont tell them what those cues are and what we mean by them. OUR SPOUSES do not have ESP but yet even in this the idea is made that we dont expect you to read our minds but… we want you to read our minds. So we need to talk about what cues husband and wife are giving eachother and why. You know we need to TALK. 2. We often feel like we don’t measure up. She says “We don’t often voice these feelings of inadequacy, but we feel them.” Again we dont often voice them and further we dont tell our spouses how they can HELP us when we feel this way, or that we are feeling this way at a given time. Again the mind reading thing is an issue we have to change. 3. We like it when you lead. Ok this I like… although as a SERVANT LOVER we have to make sure we are not being selfish lovers by only expecting this of them. In turn we must not be selfish and pout and become angry when they are struggling to lead like we want them to. We need to talk to them about what leading means to them, and what it means to us. And REGULARY bc in our lives we are changing all the time. And our roles change as well. 4. We want you to pitch in more around the house. This assumes it a problem only with the men. Aaron is brilliant with the house. And the laundry and dishes are often my weakness and he needs to be able to communicate that to me with out me becoming selfish. Just sayin- its not just husbands, Wherever there are issues- it is NEVER a one way role- role reversals occur everywhere. 5. We want to always be beautiful in your eyes.On this one we need to recognize that we can not expect our husbands to think we are the perfect image of beauty when we are throwing up, are not taking care of ourselves, and worse than anything not trying to better ourselves. Do I mean they should leave us or not love us when we are not at our best? NO. All I am saying is that we want THEM to make us feel better so we can rationalize staying in a slump. We want them to be responsible for our own feelings of inadequacies when we should be looking to GOD to help us feel better about who we are. I think it is great for our spouses to tell us we are beautiful even when we are not, but seriously- are you going to tell your husband oh baby you are so handsome and sexy right now. You are so beautiful… when they are throwing up with diarrhea on the seat? No. You are going to tell them, and show them you love them by helping to care for them and help them back to health. Encouraging your spouse is a beautiful thing. They are beautiful always inside and out. AND WE SHOULD SHARE THAT… I just think it drives me crazy that many women seem to want to be a little dramatic and selfish when our husbands ARE CARING for us SHOWING us they think we are beautiful but we expect words as if they are not good enough, AND sometimes we want it so it can be used as an excuse to rationalize why we dont need to work out, why we dont have to get all dolled up to spend time with them, why we dont have to CHANGE to better ourselves. Ok Seriously Im not angry or picking on this writer- bc for crying out loud at least they are talking a little. But i also wanted to pull out how i really felt about her thoughts- since it applies to “Secrets women (as in all of us) dont tell our husbands.” I dont want to be the kind of wife who has secrets, and expects her husband to know all things We set unrealistic expectations of them, when they will never meet our needs bc we dont talk to them about it. AND visa versa. This really is all in love and just trying to provoke some thoughts. Especially bc what she talks about is typically the things that actually are happening but shouldnt.

  • sandi a

    I have a very verbally loving and touchy feely husband. Where as I am less verbal and do everything for him. I think if he was less verbal more about showing in practical ways I would feel better. I think he acts how he would like me to be and vice versa with me?? Hmmm maybe I should discuss this with him??

  • Renee

    I agree with these. Especially # 1! Pay more attention, we can tell. I find myself wanting my hubby to do little thoughtful things for me to “show” me he loves me. When he stops at a store, pick me up something, get me a card just because, surprise me with something and say I saw this and it made me think of you. That is a secret I don’t share with him. If you tell him then he feels obligated to do it and it is not from the heart.

  • Amy

    It’s all about HOW you tell your wife she is beautiful…

    Last week I was having a day… No sleep, caring for two babies, running our other five children around so no one was napping or eating on any kind of schedule, I was on the verge of tears. I finally sat down next to my husband, frazzled beyond belief. I’m sure I was covered in whatever the babies had been eating on the run, and I was more than likely still in my pajamas… I went to my husband feeling like a failure. I remember the sigh and giving up attitude I felt as I began explaining my plight that day to him. I didn’t even want to make eye contact because I knew I looked a mess… Just as I began to tear up he interrupted with, “you are so beautiful…” I was so taken aback that I looked up into his face and there it was, plain as day, written all over his face… He loves me and thinks I’m beautiful in my mess. I couldn’t have brushed it off as “you have to say that because you’re my husband” if I wanted to. It was so evident in his eyes that I couldn’t argue. And that is how you love your wife. So it is so plainly obvious she can’t write it off as courtesy.

  • I don’t disagree with #5. Although I am flattered when others tell me I am beautiful I really want to hear it from my husband. I am not trying to impress anyone else. After 23 years together I am always appreciative when my husband notices something about me. Especially if he is moved to tell me so. However, I also understand your point. Some women need to hear it more. I was that way when I was younger but now I appreciate the small interactions that we have in our marriage.

  • Kim

    I married Linda after dating her for 12 years. To be sure, you know, that I wasn’t making a mistake like I did the first time. Adoration, that’s how I describe my feelings for her now on the 18th day of her walking out on our marriage. Linda left 9 days before our 2nd anniversary. I see the 5 secrets. I was over attentive my Mum says. The last thing the love of my life said to me 3 weeks ago was “l don’t need you to cook for me, do my laundry, cut my meat (I would cut her lunch like steak or pork chops into bite size so she didn’t have to with a plastic knife at work) or make my lunch, I can do all that myself.

    Her daughter moved close to us into a large house on a mountain with a wrap around porch and lots of land, grandkids and appeals for help in raising them. I was accused of abusing her, controlling her, beatings to her daughter but to me it was money, I didn’t save enough, spent too much. Both reasons absolute nonsense. Later, after much crying, depression, I researched and found my answer, didn’t like it but it was ‘Sociopath’ , brand new word with very familiar actions. I have always been a strong man at 52 I am 6′ 220lbs and was an athlete all my life. This woman made a shell of me and I let her. My best friend, lover, confidant took a was away from me what I valued above all else, her.

    This word – sociopath- I urge familiarization. There are many amidst at different levels. You would have never got me to believe it, not my Linda. Hah, joke on me

  • Destiny

    I’ve been married to my husband for 2 years and he has never once said I look beautiful. That would be awesome to hear.

  • KRo

    Hey Chris… long story made short, and straight to the point… Women need to hear it. If you’re not saying it, and strangers are, there will come a time when that person who is saying it can become a temptation. As a wife and mom, we’re not always at our best, and, after a day of being a wife and mom, we don’t feel beautiful… to hear, “No matter what, you’re beautiful to me,” would be food for the soul.

  • Lupin

    Well, ok, but if we lead, then do not complain about being
    asked to do the cores in the house, it is traditionally yours, care for the
    babies, and at work, men lead so they get to decide and get the pay of
    leader… You can’t expect to have the butter and the money of the butter. This
    is a very big problem in couples now.

    I do not agree with this lead paradigm, I want my partner to lead on where and
    when she wants to especially if she is better than me at something. I am happy
    to lead on things, but I can’t imagine going for the old crap of letting the
    woman doing the daily cores of cleaning while I do much more rewarding, pleasant,
    and often creative things like certain DIY tasks. Cleaning does not have any “aura”,
    it has to be done and redone again and again.

    Likewise, I am fine being led in sport or at work or for financial
    things, lead me in climbing, although I am stronger, she has a better fell for
    it (my partner). When we are on the slopes where I am much better I also am fine
    if she leads sometimes. I teach her skiing but yet she loves to be in control
    sometimes.

    If I have an idea, yes I will likely be taking actions and
    do the bits and pieces to develop a project, but hey, come in, let’s talk about
    it what is your view etc is my approach.

    Another typical example which I can’t understand is why is
    it always the male that drives, why? Female are very good if not better at it and
    I have to say that it is actually safer to share the driving on a long journey
    but some male prefer to be half asleep and keep possession of the car. Anyway behind
    this apparent rant what I am trying to come down to is, for me, there is no
    lead/led on particular things and in a systematic manner. I believe in
    cooperation, that simple, depending on the day, the feel, the situation, there
    should not be strict rules. The only systematic thing that is led is Organisation
    is which is led by communication and flexibility.

    My humble opinion.

  • Lupin

    Very honest and very true I think. Too many men get away with a few words after “assaulting every 20-something.”. But isn’t it a sad reality, especially when a man has been many years with his wife/partner. He will virtually always have desire for better looking women.
    I am genuinly curious on how you would like this to be handled. Should the man continue to say you are the most beautifull and stop looking elswhere when not with you. But you still know that he will when not with you hence, it does not change the essence of the taughts. Again, it might be a sad reality. And I guess the same goes for men.

  • Lupin

    Humm, well, I think I am much closer to this view of things than other ones here. I was starting to worry!

  • Lupin

    Yessss! I agree!

  • Ruanda

    that is awesome! My husband only tells me I’m beautiful when he thinks I need to hear it .. if you know what I mean. Its never sporatic like that. In fact not much is with him. If he didn’t tear me down so much over the first half of our relationship I probably wouldnt be dealing with ptsd from it now.

  • Ruanda

    Do you work and have kids Ann? Now if my husband was out making the big bucks so I could stay home and focus on my chores that would be great yeah!! Well thats not the case with every marriage … some of us have to also work outside the home, raise the kids … plus do the yard work. So I am glad your happy with your arrangement but not everyone is, and this article may help.

  • Ruanda

    exactly Pam! My husband can tell me he loves me 50 times a day, but I see his expression when he really loves something and it aint me. He also said he loved his wife he cheated on with me … go ahead and tell me what a dumb ass I am. I was 16 and he was 18 when we met, he married her because he said he felt like he had too because he got her pregnant but he did say he loved her .. so Im not sure what this guy thinks love is but it seems more to me he loves himself and doesnt have much room for anyone else. He destroys what he loves and praises what he likes. And his needs are all that matters, he even said that to me when he used to be verbally abusive and jealous of my friends .. which I dont have anymore thanks to me allowing him to control me. nearly 30 years later and I have way to much rage for the way he has lived, the way we live now … like a couple of teenagers. I had to grow up to raise the kids, he never had too so he didnt.

  • Ruanda

    Right!! I mean we are all beautiful so who freakin cares.

  • Ruanda

    My husband can’t lead … so I must! I dont secretly want him to but it would be nice if he could once in a while.

  • Ruanda

    YUP!! but my husband says it has nothing to do with you! Um yeah, I realize that … asshole!

  • Ruanda

    so did ya leave?

  • Ruanda

    You are to someone out there! Unless he is bringing home 6 figures and your quite happy, leave!

  • Ruanda

    ok so I will go out and get some breast and butt implants and make everything all better with myself .. haha! If I improve myself I doubt I would stick around for him to enjoy.

  • Ruanda

    you are a lucky woman! My husband would probably ask if you guys own a tv or computer because thats where all the beautiful women are. He is a jerk and I wish I had a man like yours!

  • DT

    Read the comments…. I bet none of you chicks ever go out of your way to give a sot what your husband wants. Selfish…