How (and when) to talk to your kids about S-E-X

How (and when) to talk to your kids about S-E-X February 11, 2015

Not long ago, my seven-year-old son picked up a Maxim Magazine at the barber shop and his eyes quickly bulged out of his head as he flipped through the pages filled with bikini-clad young ladies. My wife Ashley quickly noticed and put the magazine back telling him it’s not polite to stare at ladies’ bodies.

A few minutes went by and she noticed he was staring at a “Field and Stream” magazine with the same intensity he’d had with the Maxim, so she investigated and found that he had snuck the Maxim inside the Field and Stream.

He was busted, and his little face turned red. He shook his head and said, “I’m sorry, mommy, but I really like looking at those ladies!”

A few weeks later, during bath time, he said, “Dad, today on the playground, one of the kids was talking about S-E-X.”

I didn’t know if he knew it was a real word called “sex” or if he only knew of it by it’s 3 infamous letters (like the CIA or FBI). I smiled and calmly asked, “S-E-X, huh? What do you think that means?”

He thought for a moment and said, “My friend said it means when two people are boyfriend and girlfriend.”

In just a minute, I’ll tell you what I told my seven-year-old about S-E-X, plus an age-specific chart of what to say and when, but first, I’d like to address a few important points about how (and when) to start having “The Talk” with your children.

I recently read a very insightful book called “Touchy Subjects: Talking to your kids about sex, tech and social media in a touchscreen world” by David Dean and my friend Craig Gross who is also the founder of XXXchurch.com and iParent.tv. Some of the insights below are straight from his book, and I’d encourage you to read it if you have young kids or adolescents.

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In no particular order, here are some things to keep in mind when communicating to your kids about sex and other “touchy” issues:

1. They’re hearing about it much earlier than you’d think.

The internet has opened up a new world to this generation of kids, and consequently, they’re hearing about sex younger than any previous generation. According to XXXchurch.com, the average age of first exposure to pornography is now eleven-years-old. That means the typical eleven-year-old has seen explicit porn before she has ever had a conversation about sex with her parents.

2. They are getting mixed messages.

It should come as no surprise that the mix of messages about sex on the school playgrounds, internet, Netflix and other easily-accessible sources is going to leave kids confused. That means we as parents need to be starting these age-appropriate conversations early and keep the dialogue going consistently through every season of their development.

3. They want to be able to talk about anything with you.

It might seem super awkward, but believe it or not, your kids crave the kind of relationship with you where they can talk about anything. Don’t’ hide from touchy subjects. You don’t need to have the “perfect” thing to say. Kids aren’t looking for perfection; they’re looking for your availability and authenticity.

Practically, here are some age breakdowns that seem to work:

Ages 7-9: Introduce the subject. Ask what they’ve heard. Start the conversation.

Ages 9-11: Begin to talk about the biological and moral aspects of sex in an age-appropriate way.

Ages 11-13: Address the physical changes they’re experiencing and share stories from your own questions and experiences when you were going through those same changes.

Ages 13+: Keep you thumb on the pulse of what’s happening with their peer group, recognizing that with each passing year, more of their friends will become sexually active. Reaffirm your values often, but also bring up the subject without a judgmental tone to keep the dialogue open and transparent.

So, back to my seven-year-old’s question about S-E-X, here’s what I said…

“Buddy, I’m so glad you feel comfortable talking to me about this. I always want you to be able to talk with me about anything. You’re going to be hearing a lot about sex from your friends and maybe on TV, and most of what you’ll hear won’t be true. As you get older, I will explain more about this, but for right now, the main things you need to know are that sex is a beautiful gift God made for a Mommy and a Daddy who are married and it’s part of His perfect plan for making babies. It’s beautiful, but it’s also private, so just like you don’t talk about your private parts or other people’s private parts on the playground, you shouldn’t be talking about sex either. If you ever have any questions about sex, or about anything, else, I want you to always feel comfortable asking me, okay? I love you, buddy.”

I’m sure I could have said some things differently or better, but he seemed to respond well. I’m still trying to figure out this whole parenting thing! Thankfully, God gives a lot of grace for the journey.

For additional marriage and parenting tips and tools (from an “encourager” not an “expert”) you can connect with me on twitter and check out my popular post on 7 ways parents can harm their children without even realizing it. And watch this two-minute video: “A message for Dads.”

If this post helped you, please share it on social media using the links below so we can help other families too!

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  • MarkAsbell

    I think you did a great job addressing that with your son, and I appreciate you teaching this stuff. When my son turned 10 we read “Preparing Your Son for Every Man’s Battle” together. It was a great way to break the ice and open the conversation to everything you want your kids to learn from you before they hear it from a knucklehead on a playground…

  • Girli Pangilinan

    I love how your wife talked to your son: “It’s rude to stare at women’s bodies.” We have twin 14-year old daughters, and one of the things we told them about men is that God designed them to find women’s bodies to be beautiful and attractive. We told them that because of this, one way a woman can show respect for a man is to dress appropriately. Modest can still be stylish. I learned that from my mom, and they’re learning it from me. And we have lots of beautiful women friends they also see modelling that. My husband, their dad, also does his best to model how a man should be respectful and protective of women (wife first, kids next, others after), and we have several men friends who also model that for them — the husbands of the beautiful women friends.

    Our first in-depth discussion about “intimacy between a husband and wife who are married to each other” (considering tv and movies, we found that we had to be this specific) happened because a friend of ours gifted them with a BBC documentary that featured mating rituals of animals — no homo sapiens, to our relief — when they were about 8 years old. You’re right: exposure happens a lot earlier nowadays, and from unexpected places. Thank you for this post, for the resources you recommend to help us other parents to be able to take a stand in educating our children about this important aspect of human relationships. God bless you and your family!