Six Keys to Better Sex

Six Keys to Better Sex October 22, 2014
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  • Rebecca

    dave I would really like some input on how my husband and I can create more intimacy. He works 12 hour nights and sleeps most of the rest of the day. He doesn’t get weekends off and rotates days off each week, but usually catches up on sleep on those days. I’m really missing being close to him and getting depression from feeling like our marriage is turning into friendship. I would never cheat on my husband and we have been married for 15 years now. Any ideas would be a great help in our marriage.

  • dave willis

    Rebecca, if there’s any other possible job your husband could take which would allow him to spend more time at home, I think it would be worth a career move. In the meantime, try to find ways to plan ahead for the moments when he will be home where the two of you can maximize your time together. I’m praying for you both.

  • Jen

    I absolutely love all the tips you share Dave. My husband and I just got married in February and because of all the helpful tips you and your wife share, it has made our marriage a happy and healthy one! Thanks to the both of you.

  • Beth

    Dave, I am having serious intimacy issues with my husband. He had an emotional affair during our marriage that lasted for four and a half years. I have tried and am trying to move on, but I am not as eager and do not participate like I did before I knew. We’ve only been married twelve years. The only reason it stopped was that I found out about it. I always had trust issues in life, and he was the one person who I thought I could trust. I have read Scripture, read books, and been to a Christian counselor. I believe in the sanctity of marriage. Can you offer suggestions? Thank you.

  • Jess

    So…my husband works rotating shifts, evey week’s a different shift. When we are home together he talks about sex so much and expects it every night that he’s home. By the time I get up and get myself and two kids ready getmy oldest off to school, the youngest to the babysitter, work all day come home by 7 if I’m lucky, cook supper, do homework, bath time for the kids, bed time stories, and get them to sleep, I’m exausted. Most of the time I do all of this on my own. If he is at home he will cook, but then he goes and gets himself ready for bed and waits for me to get done. Where am I supposed to find the urge to then go and satisfy his need when my needs haven’t even been met? It’s been so long that I don’t even know what my needs are anymore. I do know that sex is probably last. All I want to do is sleep.

  • Nathan

    Rebecca, I worked many 12 hour days. Actually 12 hour days, 7 days a week, for months straight. So I understand the hours. It was hard for my wife and I to find the time (especially with 2 children under 2 years old) but somehow, we managed to find time. It wasn’t daily, but it happened more than some couples. If you guys struggle to be able to find the time, or energy, then talk about it. I know jobs are not everywhere, but there are still good jobs to be had. I finally got tired of the swing shift and long hours and took a pay cut to go to a 40hr a week job, steady schedule, and it was the best thing I’ve ever done. Yeah we don’t have the money we used to, and we can’t buy the things that we are accustomed to, but we have time for each other every night. And that is what matters. I hope everything works out for you guys!

  • Michelle

    Rebecca,

    My husband has the same kind of shift as your husband. I understand sister! I have had to do major adjustments to have our time together. I miss out on my sleep at times but it is important to spend that quality time together. When he is on his days off he has a hard time adjusting and tends to be up most of the night. I stay up a little later with him on nights that I can. My mom always told me that touch is so important to feeling close to one another. When he is awake I make it a point to rub his back or scratch his head when he is relaxing. I flirt with him constantly and I crawl in bed and cuddle him when I get the opportunity. Praying you find ways to adjust and feel close once again. Know you are not alone.

  • dave willis

    Beth, I’m so sorry for what you’ve been through. I’m praying for you. Your husband’s long-term pattern of dishonesty and betrayal caused very deep wounds and it will take time for those wounds to heal. There’s no “quick fix” but some tools to help you stay headed on the path of healing are ongoing Christian counseling, one or more of the courses offered by http://www.FamilyDynamics.net, a supportive church community and consistent time together alone with your husband. Don’t lose hope.

  • Jason

    Jess,

    I work a twelve hour swing shift job and my wife is a professional photographer who meets with clients based on their availability and the weather and still has to find time edit the images, do consultations, and run her business, plus we have 5 kiddos (age range 8-12) so I think I can relate to your situation.

    The four things that have made positive, major impacts on our intimacy are as follows:

    1. Read The 5 Love Languages and get to know what language each of us speaks and learn to speak the others language. My language is Physical Touch where hers is Acts of Service. I don’t speak her language naturally but I’ve learned that because it is important to her, I have to work at it (and vice versa). The benefits from this are amazing! Not just physical intimacy but we are growing emotionally and spiritually intimate as well because we are intentionally working towards pleasing the other.

    2. Intentionally setting aside time for date nights, whether checking a dinner and movie or going go karting or playing card games. Just spending time alone without focusing our conversation on kids but on us.

    3. Get a piggy bank and set a future date. Every time we are physically intimate, we deposit a dollar in the piggy bank. We never open the piggy bank to count the money deposited but to celebrate our ten year anniversary, we will open it (them since we’re on our second bank), count it up and plan a trip with that money. So obviously, if we want a grand trip we have to make the deposits. Sometimes one of us will look at the other and say “I got a dollar…” with a certain look and maybe we’ll stop what we’re currently doing or make plans for later.

    4. Finally, when we were going through premarital counseling, our pastor told us something that has stuck with each of us. He said – imagine each of you has a spotlight. If you will keep your spotlight on the other, both of you will shine. If one of you decides to take your light and shine it on yourself, your spouse will be left in the dark.

    I’m sure he said more but that is the bulk of what I took from it. I’m naturally a selfish person so I have to remind myself of where my light should shine. When I keep it on her our relationship blossoms. When I start shining my light on myself, we experience tougher times.

    I hope these tips will help.

  • Amanda

    I completely understand where you are coming from! My husband works 12 1/2 hour nights 7 nights a week for the past month, I work Mon – Fri 8-4:30. I get home at 5 and he leaves at 5:15, he gets home from work at 7:00 am and I leave at 7:15. Worst part is we just got married a little over a month ago! I have 2 children from a previous marriage so anyone that says “take advantage of the 15 minutes… ” yeah that’s not possible with a 2 yr old and 6 yr old 🙁 Hopefully this will be short term..

  • Ashlee

    My husband and I will be married a year on November 2. I am 22, and he is 35. We have sex about once a month. It is killing me emotionally. He doesn’t understand why intimacy is an important part of marriage. I feel unwanted and undesirable. He says he loves me and wants me, but it is hard for me to believe. I have tried everything from lingerie, to other things. Please give me a few tips.

  • dave willis

    Ashlee, I’m so sorry for what you’re going through. Your husband may have a medical issue that he should ask his doctor about. It’s not natural that a healthy, 35 year old male would have so little sex drive. Our new video series at http://bestsexlifenow.com might also be a helpful resource for you both.

  • My husband and I have been married 21 years, I how do i get our early years sex drive back. I want to be intimate way more then we are but I don’t seem to have the drive.

  • You shouldn’t complain, my husband is a Marine and we never get time for each other. Some people are just selfish… So what he works 12 hour shift. He comes home to you right? Trying going a year.. Be thankful for what time you get.

  • Jo

    In the past my husband was unfaithful. He left me and my first child for over two years. Since then we got back together an have had two more children. He has made great strides growing up…as we were very young when we started. We now have a 16 month old and a six week old. Sex is nonexistent. Intimacy is completely gone. This started before I got pregnant. As of now it’s been almost four months. Minus my six weeks of healing. Point is there is no desire on his part. Now I beat myself up wondering Is wrong with me and why it always seems to end up this way. He was diagnosed with low testosterone(he’s 30!) but to my knowledge that doesn’t affect affection..does it??? I.comfort believe he is being unfaithful but at times I wonder how in the world he is happy without such an intimate connection. I have tried many times to.talk to him about this…but no results. I don’t.know what to do anymore and just want to cry. I am completely shutting down.

  • tim

    You actually have to sex with your spouse to be able and improve it.

  • Ashley

    Dave, last year around this time I found out my husband had a porn issue. Ever since then I can’t seem to trust him again. He lied to me about it quite a bit. I feel cheated on, in a way. I think because of that our sex lives have changed a lot (I’m not enjoying it very much anymore). I get these images of him with other woman when I try to touch him. He has NEVER been unfaithful to me. How can I let this go and get that sex life back that we had before I found out about this issue?

  • Jo

    Yes Tim… thanks for pointing that out- I’m going to go cry now.

  • dave willis

    Ashley, great question. Porn can cause deep wounds of broken trust. I know from experience. I’m praying for you both. There are some great resources available at http://www.xxxchurch.com and I’d encourage you to check that out as well as our new video series when it comes out. We address some of these issues in more detail. Keep the lines of communication open. Share your thoughts with him. Pray together. In time, trust can be rebuilt and intimacy stronger than it was before.

  • Jen

    I have been married 2 years and the only argument is sex, i have a husband and feel that my needs should be satisfied however we barely have sex once every other month. Before we got married we wanted to wait to be sexually active because we both redadicated our lives to christ however we slipped up too many times. He is 36 and iam 26 i talk so much about the fact that im frustrated to him and nothing happens and it hurts emotionnally. I dont want to start taking care of myself because that would create ifs own set of issues in our ghost sex life, i dont know what to do.talking praying lingerie u name it ive tried, i dont believe in divorce however if i had knew that it would have been like that im not sure i would have waljed down the isle, he is great and i love so … insight?

  • dave willis

    Our new resource http://bestsexlifenow.com might be a helpful tool for you. There are other great resources out there as well. Praying for you both.

  • cherie

    Dave, I am 33 my husband is 39. All I see is stuff about men wanting sex all the time. This is sooo not the case. I’m getting so tired and hurt by being rejected all the time. It used to be 4-5 times a week, now it’s 4 times a month. It’s only been a year and a half. We’ve talked about having a family and he wants nothing more than to be a dad but I’m afraid at this pace it will never happen. I’m ready for sex everyday, this is killing me waiting around for him to finally “be in the mood”. My biological clock is ticking! If I get upset then he gets upset cause “I always want my way and get mad when I don’t get what I want”. He doesn’t understand the hurt I feel from the rejection. Isn’t he too young to not be in the mood?

  • dave willis

    Cherie, I’m praying for you both. It might be a medical issue. I’d encourage him to talk to his doctor about his lack of desire. Our new video series http://bestsexlifenow.com might also be a helpful resource.

  • star

    My husband has recently told me. That he doesn’t want to sex everyday like we use too. He says it’s not me. How do I react to this

  • star

    He’s 33. He’s over the road a lot. He says he’s tired. I am almost 36. I don’t know if it’s age. That’s what he says is his problem.