The secret sex-killer in marriage

The secret sex-killer in marriage August 14, 2015

couple in bed frustrated

I’ve written a lot about the importance of sex in marriage and my wife and I even helped to develop the “Best Sex Life Now” course for married couples, because we believe when your sex life with your spouse improves, your marriage can simultaneously improve too. It takes a lot more than sex to build a strong marriage, but it’s nearly impossible to build a strong marriage without it!

There are many factors that can sabotage the sexual intimacy in a marriage. Here are Ten of the top sex killers in marriage, but one I haven’t written on ever before may be one of the biggest culprits. It’s one we don’t talk about often, but we need to, because this might be holding back the intimacy, sexual fulfillment and connection in your marriage. I’m talking about masturbation, but before you roll your eyes and click out of this post. Let me explain three reasons why this is a much bigger issue than you might realize.

First off, when I say “masturbation,” for the purposes of this post, I’m NOT referring to the self-stimulation or sexual play that happens during foreplay or intercourse with your spouse. Those can be just a fun part of sex between a husband and wife. When I’m referring to masturbation, I’m talking specifically about someone pleasuring himself (or herself) to the point of climax when not in the presence of his or her spouse.

Here are three reasons why masturbation can kill the sexual intimacy in a marriage…

1. It prevents you from peak performance with your spouse.

This one applies much more to MEN who masturbate. We receive a lot of emails and messages from frustrated wives whose husbands have lost their drive for sex because they’re “taking care of it all on their own.” When you choose to masturbate, you may be gaining momentary pleasure at the expense of your wife’s needs and desires.

2. It often created “mental infidelity”.

In marriage, monogamy isn’t just physical. You need to be “mentally monogamous” as well. This isn’t just my opinion. Check out Jesus’ teachings on lust which basically say that to lust after another woman is to commit adultery with her in your heart. Masturbation almost always includes either Porn (click here for more about the damaging impact of porn) OR mental fantasies that probably don’t include your spouse. Stay mentally monogamous and your marriage will be much stronger.

3. It trains your mind to reduce sex to a selfish act.

When you masturbate, it’s all about YOU, but sex about about your spouse too. Masturbation trains your mind and your body to approach sex as another way to get your needs met. It trains you to be selfish, and you can’t be selfish and be a great spouse at the same time. Put your spouse’s needs and desires ahead of your own. The happiest marriages have two people who both place the other’s needs ahead of their own.

If you’d like more tools to help you build a rock-solid marriage and a red-hot sex life, check out our “Best Sex Life Now” course by clicking here.

best sex life now 6

If this post helped you, please share it using the links below, so we can help others too!

"If you're having some problems and want to know what are the needs of men ..."

4 basic needs of every man
"The beta cuck is strong in this guy"

12 things a husband should do ..."
"This only gets you exploited for long time."

When your spouse doesn’t seem to ..."
"In reference to 6 ways to save struggling marriage by Dave Willis: you have made ..."

6 ways to save struggling marriage

Browse Our Archives

Follow Us!


TRENDING AT PATHEOS Family
What Are Your Thoughts?leave a comment
  • Karen

    Please don’t deceive yourself by thinking masturbation doesn’t hurt anyone. It hurts your spouse, and it hurts your marriage; therefore it hurts YOU. I am amazed by how much stronger my marriage is now that my husband and I are committed to looking only to each other to meet our sexual needs and to responding with generosity. (That said, I am so sorry if you feel the choice was made for you by a refusing spouse. My heart breaks for you.)

  • Chris Dagostino

    “We receive a lot of emails and messages from frustrated wives whose husbands have lost their drive for sex because they’re ‘taking care of it all on their own.'”

    Nobody seems interested in asking why that is. Perhaps because the wives aren’t making themselves available the way Paul implores couples to in Corinthians? Just a thought.

    And Dave, the misinterpretation of Jesus’s words concerning lust in Matthew 5 have caused much more dysfunction than masturbation has; I now identify as asexual as a result of it. He was promoting the importance of avoiding self-righteousness, not sexual repression.

  • kane1970

    I’m so sick and tired of women being blamed for these kinds of problems. I know more than one woman who has a husband just plain is not interested, even though they have done everything in their power to make themselves available.

  • Chris Dagostino

    I didn’t say men are never at fault. It’s just that the majority of the articles I’ve read on declining or failed marriage seem to imply that women themselves are never at fault.

  • Doug B

    Huh. And all this time, I thought it was the kids, the dog, my job, and our other social obligations that got in the way.

    I suppose the fact that I masturbate AND have a sex life that me and my wife are happy with – that doesn’t count?

  • MrShorty

    I’m not sure, Dave. I am sure that, within the broad range of human sexual experience, there are individuals (some within marriages) who prefer solo sex to partnered sex. I am also sure that, within the broad range of human sexual experience, there are couples where both are happy with their partnered sexual activity, and one or both spouses also masturbate in between partnered sexual encounters. From what I can gather from those who study masturbation and sexuality, it is difficult to find cases where masturbation “kills” sex in marriage — especially if you want to draw a solid “cause instead correlation” kind conclusion.

    What kind of conclusion do you want your blog readers to come to in response to this? If you want them to conclude that “no one should masturbate ever”, then I don’t think I can agree with you. I see no evidence that masturbation will truly kill sex in marriage.
    If you want us to conclude that “if one finds himself/herself preferring masturbation over partnered sex, and the spouse is expressing frustration or dissatisfaction with the frequency of partnered sex, then the couple needs to come together to figure out a mutually agreeable solution”, I think I can support that. I don’t expect that the resolution of the situation will necessarily (or even frequently) include complete abstinence from solo sex, but there should be some obligation on the part of both spouses to negotiate a reasonable solution.

  • z–man

    I’ll tell you one massive sex-killer in a marriage……as well as a marriage killer altogether….. that being Ashley Madison….

  • Robertmark Carlson

    …ummm…. did Christine O’Donnell write this article??