Abject Terror and Perfect Peace

By the time you read this post, I will be 2 days in to a 7 day Silent Retreat.  Yes, those words must be capitalized.

This will be my second adventure of this type.  My first was in March and it was perhaps the greatest spiritual undertaking I’d ever undertook.

At a Vipassana retreat (at least how these are done) we undertake the 5 training precepts to:

Refrain from intentionally harming or taking life

Refrain from taking things that aren’t given to me

Refrain from sexual misconduct

Refrain from false speech

Refrain from intoxicants

We do 8+ hours of sitting meditation each day, and 3-ish hours of walking meditation.

There are no devices, like computers, tablets, phones.  You can leave these things with the Retreat Manager and she’ll lock them up in the office for you so you won’t be tempted!

We observe Noble Silence.  Lots of people seem to feel that this is a most onerous challenge, but here’s the thing:  All of these commitments are entirely by choice.  I didn’t go there for someone to be the boss of me.  I went to see what was underneath all my talking, and it was very revealing.

With no books, not even any pictures on the walls, a plain room, and no relationships to manage, I found myself being dismantled.  First my brain ran in circles like Kermit the Frog, hollering at itself.  Then it got tired and just stopped fighting.  Then I found myself coming apart layer by layer.  The piece that wanted to organize how folks lined up for breakfast had no outlet.  The piece that wanted to make sure I understood how the power dynamics worked between all the yogis was stymied.  I couldn’t manage my experience using any of my usual means.

So I gave up.

And the frantic, stormy seas of my consciousness came to rest.  For a minute at a time.

BUT still!  My body hurt like hell.  Back pain, neck pain, joints creaking (and that is LOUD in a silent room!)  I felt waves of anger pouring out of me during the Metta practice, which is supposed to be all about Lovingkindness.  I felt like punching someone in the face.

On day 3, I had my first practice interview with a Teacher.  I told her that I felt like I was falling apart, breaking into pieces and I didn’t like it and what’s wrong with me, etc.  And I will be ever grateful for the words she said to me:  Can you sit with your discomfort?

ARAARARARARHGHGHKARJKEFR!!

But also, WOW!  I can have all these feelings, this tumultuous insanity of fear/pain and not have to fix it?  Not feel bad because it isn’t already fixed?  Halle-freaking-lujah!

What a gift.  And I got to bring that gift home with me and share it with my beloveds, share with them a greater peace in me, a more relaxed and accepting attitude.  So as soon as I could, I applied for the next retreat.

Which starts in 3 days from when I write this and started 2 days before you read this.

Right now, I’m probably experiencing alternating currents of abject terror and perfect peace.  I’ll keep sitting with that discomfort and see what flowers in my soul.

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