A day–alone–with the Goddess

“When will you spend a day with Me?” She’d kept asking. Things like work and travel schedules, family obligations, and occasionally having a date with my husband were likely strange to Her immortal ears. She wanted me all to Herself for a day. She must not have known how difficult that was for a modern, over-scheduled person like me. Perhaps She did and didn’t care.

I didn’t know how I would do it–offer an entire day to a Goddess–but the opportunity blossomed. Yesterday: Memorial Day. My husband was suddenly called out of town. My parents were golfing and my sister was busy with her kids. I didn’t have to work and in our friend group, Husband and I are always the one to plan things. Because we hadn’t planned anything, there were no barbecues to decline. Life had presented me with a full day to spend with the Goddess. And I did it.

I drafted agreements. I would only answer emails pertaining to the book I am writing about Her. I would not log onto Facebook or Twitter. I would only take phone calls from my husband. I would only read material for the new book and I would only write about Her. I begged permission to go to the grocery store and an exercise class–I would need food and movement for this mortal form. I didn’t feel a response, so I took that as permission.

The day began.

7isha.m. I wake from an angry dream where I yelled at a former friend. The Goddess was there. “Who’s the asshole, here?” I asked Her. “You are,” She’d said. “Why are you still yelling at him?” I wake before I say, “Because he was the asshole, first!” The cats sit on either side of me like furry gargoyles. I feed them and sit at my altar. “How does this work?” I ask. I feel Her say, Take a walk. I do.

8a.m. Read Her myths over breakfast. She’s quite striking.

9a.m. I return to the altar. “What am I supposed to do, now?” I ask. I pull a Tarot card. 7 of Swords, Reversed. In the deck I use, it’s about setting aside resentment–basically, the meaning of my dream. “Thank you,” I say. “Do You want tea?” I feel a strong No. Go Away. 

12pm I’ve been reading Her myths all morning and transcribing interviews about Her. I wonder if it’s okay that I take a lunch break with some Netflix. I do and after ten minutes, I feel like I’m cheating. I go to the grocery store but try not to talk to anyone, remembering that this is Her day. I buy bananas and eggs and peanut butter and the clerk laughs. “SOMEONE has a cat!” she says. I look down and realize I’m still wearing my pajama shirt and it’s coated with fur. Neat. I’m not fully in this world.

1pm I was meant to interview someone about the Goddess in question, but he never shows up on Zoom. I wonder if I’m being punished for the Netflix break.

3pm I try to write about the Goddess but realize that I’ve not actually spoken to anyone other than the grocery clerk in almost 36 hours. I feel suffocated and wonder if maybe I’m not the introvert I claim to be.

5pm Back at the altar. THIS IS RIDICULOUS, GODDESS. CAN YOU GIVE ME SOME CLUE ABOUT WHAT YOU WANT FROM ME OUT OF THIS? Spiritual silence. Not even the ping of “go away.” I now know I would be crap at cloistered life. It always seemed so tantalizing, before.

6:30pm Exercise class. I don’t keep up, well. I don’t feel like I’m really doing well with this body, today. Maybe I’ve been on too many planes, lately–literal airplanes and also those other kinds of planes (astral, etc…).

8pm Husband calls. My brain is glue. I listen, but I can’t come up with anything to say. Not even boring things to say. He asks if I’m all right and I’m not sure what to say.

8:45pm Am I really tired enough to go to bed? Or maybe so bored I want to sleep the day away? I check in one more time at the altar. Is there anything else I need to do? Strong answer, No. Go to bed. 

2am Nothing wakes me up, but awake I am, anyway. I try not to think of ghosts and spirits and the things that fascinate me during the day but terrify me at night. I try to forget that I believe the dead walk at this hour to wake silly Witches like me. I wonder if the Goddess will manifest and I beg that She doesn’t–not now, not at 2am, not when I’m alone.

Yet of all the day long, this is when I feel Her most palpably. She’s there, She’s pleased, and She lulls me back to sleep.

That was all yesterday. The time at my altar was quiet again, but warmer. Satisfied. Something happened, although I don’t know what. A priestess I interviewed last week said that we all play tiny parts in the work of the Gods. It’s not so much about what They can do for us, so much as what we can do for Them. Did the Goddess need my energy? I think She took a fair bit. Did She need my focus the way cars need gasoline? I don’t know and it may not be for me to know.

I kept my promise. I did my job. I gave a day to the Goddess.

I do feel more peaceful today. The former friend whom I’d screamed at in the dream crosses my mind more than I’d like to admit, but that didn’t happen today. He popped up in my social media feed and I didn’t even growl.

Oh, yeah. Social media. Taking a full day away from it taught me how much I actually don’t like it. If that was what the Goddess wanted to show me, Well Done, Lady!

Also, the television just flipped on to the Netflix series I watched yesterday. I’m nowhere near the remote and the cats aren’t even walking on it. Is that my reward?

I hope to do this more often.