Reasons We Believe Jussie Smollett's Attack Was NOT A Hoax

Welcome to the Idiocracy—Banana Joe’s Republic. I’m your host and hoax crime strategist, Thor Ramsey, fighting the rising tide of wokeness one joke at a time.

Today’s topic, along with some bonus Kamala Harris jokes, is…

Reasons We Believe Jussie Smollett’s Attack Was NOT a Hoax

In his own testimony, Smollett said he didn’t notice the noose around his neck until later. He thought the noose around his neck might have been a gift… or possibly foreplay of some kind.

It could have been a message, like, “I want to tie the knot…” Or “Do you want to hang with me?” Remember, the brothers accused of attacking him were Nigerian, which really isn’t the issue. They were bodybuilders, so English of speaking was not the language of which they spoke in tongue well like me.

Another reason I believe Jussie Smollett’s attack wasn’t a hoax:

Because I love Subway too and I’d brave subzero temperatures for a meatball footlong. Even if I was rich and famous. Besides, Jared’s a pedophile, so you can imagine that lots of people want to beat up people who are seen with a Subway sandwich in their hands.

Along with Smollett, we believe the two brothers are lying because they both told him, “We can keep a secret.”

Jussie worked out with the two brothers. We think the brothers were there as dedicated trainers who were just trying to knock an unauthorized sandwich out of Jussie’s hands. Better a swollen eye than a swollen belly.

Besides, this is a plot stolen from The Pink Panther films with Peter Sellers that no one watches anymore, so Jussie wouldn’t even know to copy such a thing. Remember, Jussie’s an actor. You have to give him his lines. He’s not a writer. “Line?” “This is MAGA country?” It’s Chicago! Even a bad writer wouldn’t expect us to believe someone would say that, which is why it must be true.

And if he really wanted to pull off a hoax in front of security cameras, why would he hire two black men? I’ll tell you why. For far too many years, redneck white men have been played by white men only. That practice is so discriminatory. If Jussie did stage this, then all I have to say is that his heart was in the right place. “If only that camera was working. That song and dance number would have blown everyone away. Ten months of rehearsal down the drain.” Hey, the Sharks and Jets dance when they fight.

Even if Jussie was faking it, that’s what actors do—they fake it. For a living. I think he should be commended for really committing to his craft even while under oath.

Besides, this case shows how much progress we’ve made in America, when you’re so privileged that you have to hire a couple of guys to be racists. But I don’t think Jussie’s that unoriginal—to pull a page directly out of the Democratic playbook and stage a white supremacy incident.

Disappointingly, he was found guilty on 5 of 6 counts. The count he wasn’t found guilty on was shooting the cinematographer.

Further investigation has revealed that right before Alec Baldwin’s handgun fired on it’s own, it yelled, “This is MAGA country!” (This will no doubt be the most obvious joke on the subject.)

And now we turn to rumors in Oval Office:

When Biden was running for President, the DNC kept him hidden. Now that he’s elected, they’ve let him out, but they’ve hidden Kamala. That’s what you get for accusing the man you work for of sexual misconduct. Oh, no wait. That’s what you get when you accuse the man you work for of being a racist. Oh, no wait. That’s what you get when you treat everything like a cocktail party. Kamala might be good at working the room, but that doesn’t translate into a good border policy.

Harris’s people claim she’s not being set-up to succeed, because Biden gave her things like the border crisis and voting reform. How can you not improve upon disasters? All you have to do is walk around and pick some crap up off the ground? “Hmm. Better all ready.” Unless, they’re disasters because of democratic policies. Urban dictionary. DNC. Do not care.

Kamala Harris is more unpopular than VP Dick Cheney, but rest assured, Oliver Stone will not make a movie about her.

My favorite incident was when she was called out by the French for talking in a French accent. If she ever finds Mexico, I want to be there and hear it myself. They’ve canceled her inner city visit to Chicago for obvious reasons. It’s not an impersonation she does.

And Finally:

The LAPD informed California citizens on how to be robbed. They encouraged us to look at the positive. First, be thankful that you’re rich enough to be robbed. There are a lot of people who will never be privileged enough to be robbed, which is why they’re robbing you.

Second, comply. If we could all just get along with criminals, the world would be a better place. Stop treating criminals like… criminals.

Third, if you’re carjacked in your driveway, remember—at least you didn’t have far to walk home.

And Lastly:

Remember to get your booster shot, so you can keep your job. No jab, no job!

That’s our program for today. I want to thank our director, Jefferson Drexler, our executive producer, Joel Fieri, our social media master, Danny Avila, and my cowriter Ron McGehee. I’d also like to thank Ron Bass for our new intro graphics.

If you liked this episode, but sure to click like, because there is no “loved it” button. Even if you only found it mildly amusing, click like, because we might be funnier in the future. If you want to fight the rising tide of wokeness in this country, click like to join a truly peaceful protest. And please subscribe, because that’s the most meaningful vote of all.

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I’m Thor Ramsey and I hope you’re less woke, America!