I'm Angry!

I’m angry.

~Maybe still angry about the black girl hair issues I posted about a few days ago.

~Angry at random people who said a dress Halle Berry wore on the red carpet was “too young for her.”

~Angry at my husband for trying to help me with something, but not wanting to do it my way.

~Angry at Ransom for being loud, rambunctious & hard to get p.j.’s on.

~Angry at Dr. Sears. Why? I don’t know. I think his “crime” is promoting infant demand-feeding & co-sleeping.

~Angry at Mr. Shue’s wife on the T.V. show Glee –that woman is a shrew! A shrew! I hate her!

~Angry at Christians for all of our various problems. The latest being the debate over whether or not Christians should listen to Jay-Z for reasons I honestly can’t comprehend or thoughtfully engage at the moment. Good grief.

~Angry at how hard and painful it is at night to get up to use the bathroom or flip over.

The point is, I’ve been unable to process anger in a healthy manner. It’s been totally irrational & out of control.

*sigh*

I decided to take a 30 minute walk today to get labor going. The sun was shining, the cold crisp Fall air actually felt nice, the multitude of color in the surrounding trees was beautiful and I enjoyed hearing Ransom’s presence as he rambled on about leaves and Halloween decorations.

But when we got home… nothing. Actually the contractions I was having, went away! 🙁

I spent most of the day hoping we’d be in the hospital tonight. (Yep, like right now). In my finite understand of my reality it seems like a good time being the weekend & all with a visit from my mother’n’law tomorrow morning to help with Ransom.

I told Dave that even if he wanted to take me out on an extravagant shopping spree that -if I could- I would still choose to head to the hospital and get this whole labor ordeal over with.

And I finally realized why -at least in part- I am so frequently angry in the past 5-6 days:

I have no control.

Zilch.

At dinner tonight I realized that I am someone who at least allows myself to believe I have some modicum of control in most situations in my life. Yes, you read that correctly –even if I don’t have control, I lie to myself.

I guess that makes me a bit of a control freak. (Kind of like this guy, huh?)

anger

For some reason this whole not-being-able-to-control-when-I-go-into-labor problem is reminding me -not so freaking gently might I add- that not only do I have no control of when my body starts the labor process, but also that I cannot lie to myself about it. It’s just NOT up to me.

And because I’m super uncomfortable and tired and crabby & impatient to meet my new son and begin my maternity leave, the fact that I cannot control this makes me feel… well, to be honest, it makes me feel completely pissed off.

I am an irrational woman at the moment. And so tonight instead of blogging about other meaningful things from my “to blog, to-do” list I resisted, lest I spout off another unprovoked angry-at-the-world post.

Baby steps. Baby steps. And one day we’ll all laugh about this, right?

Right. 🙂