Everyday Black Matters
Here’s my edit free, stream-of-consciousness explanation. Do forgive the lengthy introduction…
I have really been enjoying my relatively new job as IV’s regional BCM coordinator. (translation: I oversee & organize all of the ministry we do to target a specific niche group -African Americans- on campuses in our region). It’s been somewhat exhilarating, actually. However, I’m just as new as can be, so ask me in a year.
The learning curve has been steep though. There are a few things I’ve just jumbled up all ready. And I’ve all ready spent a lot of time calling my supervisor asking questions about how things go. He says he’s still “okay” with it. 🙂
I think perhaps the hardest part is learning how to travel & come back well. I don’t mind the travel, actually. I guess I’m one of those weird types that actually enjoys the break from home, from my children & from evil & cold Michigan. It’s the planning & coming home well that really gets to me. I.e. If I don’t plan well before the trip it makes it 5 x’s harder for my husband to have a normal like with the kids. If I don’t come back well, I get behind on next week’s work, but also on mail, laundry, cleaning, grocery shopping, etc.
Which is why a month ago after going to Atlanta & then Cancun & then Madison & then Cleveland I got so behind it’s literally taken me 3 full days to pull my personal & home life back together. Why does adulthood require so much doggone paperwork? For crying out loud, life has gotten so complicated.
Well, with all of the hoopla of the travel and the new job and the new responsibilities of managing a relatively new job and a relatively new baby I’ve been an absentee blogger. I’ve been thinking about it a lot. About how much pressure I feel to blog daily or often, to do a “good” post or to generate enough income to make blogging somewhat of a profitable past-time.
Last month when I saw my blogging income was $1.88 I felt completely deflated. And then, I found out the next day that the first (& only) person that I know of, unsubscribed from my blog. I have no idea why, and I haven’t the faintest clue why it made me so sad, but it did. It had ‘rejection’ written all over it –isn’t this ridiculous? That’s partly when I realized I’ve made the stakes too high & it’s not that big of a deal. Honestly, it’s just a blog for crying out loud. And not even a great blog, or a well read blog, I’m an average blogger having a cow about one unsubscription. Get a grip, Grace!
I hope you don’t think I’m a quitter, but I’ve decided not to blog for dollars anymore. I’m going to remove most of my ads & just blog for me again. I actually think my posts were better when I wasn’t trying to entertain you anyway. When I started blogging back in 2006, I loved doing it & more importantly I had time to do it. It was a great outlet for me. Now, it’s completely stressing me out & I approach every post with angst.
When blogging for dollars, you can’t just write for you. You have to write for potential readers. Even your title has to be thought through so that google search engines will pick it up… and then you have to market yourself & yada, yada, yada… it becomes a lot of work.
Moving right along… I’ve also really wondered if in my quest to make my blog a legitimate income source if I’ve let it become a distraction to the book I’m supposed to be working on. I’ve wondered that for over 6 months. A LOT of creative energy has went into blogging especially when I went into severe money making mode.
All of that energy -when channeled correctly- could have went into having my book done by now. So, I do have a bit of regret about the blog as well. No doubt, I’ve been thankful for what it has given me… a slow stream of my own spending money on pricey coffee, cute handbags & a help on a fun vacation. Not to mention, the 10% of my earnings I sent on to World Vision. But, an extra $25-$50/mo. is not enough to justify the time that goes into it. I said I’d give it one year of a solid effort & then re-evaluate.
Re-evaluation, done.
What got me here was actually a bizarre circumstance. I got offered to apply for a job outside of InterVarsity. When I stopped to think & pray about why I didn’t want to take the job it was primarily because I love my work with InterVarsity, and I’m committed to giving the rest of my time to my family & children. “If that’s really true,” I thought, “then why are you spending so much time & energy on a job you don’t love, don’t get paid that much & feel tremendous pressure about every day?” Blogging. I wouldn’t blog full-time for $48,000/yr. – if some one offered it.
Why? I like blogging, but I don’t love blogging –not like I LOVE LOVE LOVE doing my job with InterVarsity. And so I realized, if the job offer I received offered to pay me $100,00/yr. or blogging offered me 1/2 of that, I still wouldn’t take either job!
It’s not about money, it’s about doing what your supposed to do & enjoying life. Very few women are as privileged as me to get to stay home part-time with their kids, have them travel all over the country on work trips AND on top of all that, absolutely LOVE what they do. I can’t ask for more. Tell me, what good would a $100,000/yr. do me if I was bored silly? Or worse, living in regret.
Even if someone offered to pay for me to go back to school & finish my M.Div full-time, I wouldn’t do that either. I loved going to school full-time, but not like I LOVE my job. I am 100% committed to doing campus ministry at this phase in my life right now. Any “extra” energy must be focused on my family, my book, my health(!), etc. Not chasing around $25-$50/mo. It’s become a blogging burden. 🙁
I’ve vowed that I would never take a job for money only: ever. If there’s one thing in life I know for sure, it’s that MONEY DOES NOT BUY HAPPINESS & I REFUSE to sell my soul to the devil in pursuit of it.
If I ever take another job, it will have to be because of a number of favorable circumstances -including income- but not ruled by income.
So, that is the long, drawn out, stream of consciousness, explanation as to why I’ve decided to blog less. This was a major shift even from last week when I almost just deleted my whole WordPress account. I had to think to myself, “let’s just not be so doggone drastic.” 🙂
From here on out, I declare:
1. I’m done blogging for dollars -unless by some unforeseen circumstance it becomes the job I want to spend a lot of time & creative energy doing instead of caring for my family life or moving away from my calling in InterVarsity.*
2. I’m done with the daily post. I just can’t keep it up anymore. I have no time frame for how often I’ll post. Maybe once every 3 days, or once a week or so. It may behoove you to subscribe via google reader if you want to keep up with my infrequent ramblings.
3. I will put more writing energy into something I do feel called to work for: writing a memoir.
*All that said, if you still want to buy Amazon through my Amazon blog ad, (upper left) that would be awesome! 🙂 Maybe, I could still get a Venti, non-fat, no foam, 4 splenda carmel latte once every month! 🙂
Ahhhhh, I feel more relaxed all ready! Even this post was more fun to write when I’m not worried about putting in a million text links & trying to make you chuckle & read me tomorrow. 🙂
For a healthier blogging future where no pressure to blog exists,
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