Everyday Black Matters
Or “in which I am a beloved failure,” OR “this is my defining moment, Y’all,” OR “I ate cliché’s for breakfast because the BEST IS YET TO COME!”
On Monday I transitioned from the foundation I was working for. I’m not contractually able to say more than that, which in some ways, is a relief and when asked questions can feel good about thinking “mind yo beez wax, Playa!” (Translation: mind your business, please).
If you’re newish to GwG, this is my 2nd job transition in 2 years. I served for several years in campus ministry and walked away from my life in Ministry because I’d been overcome and was literally drowning in all sorts of issues: fundraising, working at home, working alongside my spouse, money issues, character issues, drive/energy PLUS the usuals of extended family crises & debt PLUS wrestling my own personal demons. Quite honestly, I’m in the 3rd year of facing personal crisis’ on a massive level and I’m getting familiar with what I’m made of, which is more brave, strong and hope-filled than I ever knew.
There’s something beautiful about that.
Last July, I didn’t know what was next but I knew I needed to take a risk and leave ministry even though InterVarsity had long been my “dream job.” That risk has paid off. These last 9 months have marked significant improvement and growth in many of the aforementioned issues. If nothing else, getting out of the house each day, going to an office and the giant change of pace from the previous 12 years gave me renewed energy and hope, exposed to me to a whole host of other career options and affirmed my intuitions to take riskS, live boldly and to choose the bigger life. Three months ago, I wrote about experiencing post traumatic growth, and I’ve learned something invaluable: I, Grace Biskie, am good for me.
Anyone struggling with self-doubt and massive personal failure can appreciate the bravery it takes to live, breathe and believe in yourself.
In the next few days, I’d like to sit and think through what I’ve learned from these past 8 months, what mistakes I made & what growth edge I need to focus on.
It’s important in any transition to think through what was lost, what was gained and lay plans for the future.
Last Tuesday, I had an enormous sense of peace regarding this transition. And then yesterday, reality set it in: holy fracking *&^, I’m unemployed. And then by last night the lies came pouring in at an incredible rate, “failure of ALL failure’s!”
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I have an extremely strong sense -and I do mean, extremely- that this moment today, right now, right here in the midst of failure after failure after failure is my defining moment. I’m not sure where it’s coming from nor how I’m reaching down deep to grab it, but I know today is the 1st of the rest of my life in ways I’ve never owned before.
Right now, more than ever, I have this eerie sense of how significantly my integrity matters, my character matters, my commitment to the things and the people I love, matter. My ambitions matter. My dreams matter. This little, insignificant blog matters. Even, my book (as undone and unpublished as it is) matters. The two careers I’ve had matter. My passion for the vulnerable, matter. My love for all things communications, matter. My failures matter.
I’m not in a position to throw out the bad because the good would have to go with it. Every failure I’ve had has been wrapped up in a lesson or has offered grace in way I’ve never received it before.
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This transition also represents relief. I felt achingly divided by working full-time and wanting to be home more often with my kids, investing in family and home life. When I worked for InterVarsity, I had very little desire to go the way of home-maker, was content to work a great deal and zero desire to be a stay-at-home Mom. Through painful lessons and growth I now desire those things more than ever. Being a stay-at-home Mom is not likely my next role until things stable out for us financially, but my intensified desires for these things has been a real gift. Now, I fight for it alongside my dreams. And that’s a win.
I am also somewhat relieved as I consider my next steps. After all, the world is a big place and there are a lot of really cool options, one of which is to keep working hard to finish my book, secure an agent and sell it to a publishing house.
Also, I have a pretty kick-booty idea of a company I’d like to start. I’m a bit too nervous to do a big reveal, but it involves all of the things I deeply love: social media, my faith, teaching, training, discipleship, mentoring, writing, photography & African-Americans. ($5 to the one who guesses exactly where I’m headed with this). This is not the job I apply for. This is the job I’ve gotta go-balls-to-the-wall and chase. Is there something frightening about that? Yeah, but I’m up for it.
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The other day, I heard a speaker talking about how it’s okay to fail. He talked about how often failure can launch us into our greatest successes. He spoke of how one can leverage the power of commitment and ambition against the strength of failure to build amazing momentum for success. This is where I’m headed y’all. I know it, I know it, I know it. My greatest successes and dreams are within my reach and I refuse to give up.
So, yeah, yesterday I threw a GIANT pity party. I let reality set it. I sat with it: all my chips are down. I have nothing to boast of: no successes in marriage, or money, or career. By the world’s standards I may even be a bona-fide loser. It’s been a HUGE challenge for me to navigate my worth (especially in writing) when I don’t have some of these major foundational aspects of life “under control.”
But I do have hope.
I do hold to this crazy notion that my career trajectory can’t define me & that God aint done with me yet. And what I know to be true is that even in my failures I am beloved by God, by my husband & my precious babies. I have an amazing, supportive network of best friends, mentors, pray-ers and spiritual families & communities. And, obviously, all of my blog readers. Obviously.
My word for 2013 was to establish. No matter what, I am working to establish the big rocks: home, family, health, finances & writing.
…and that is what I intend to do. (I not intend to draw for a living. As you can see there’s some challenges in that department).
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Every 1st Monday of the month, I’ll be taking seriously my One Word for 2013 by joining Kristin, Alyssa, Suzannah, Leigh, Danielle & others to update our one word progress. You can join the OneWord365.com community & use the #onewordupdate hashtag on Twitter to follow along.
The word I chose was establish. One aspect I hope to establish deeper this year is not only my relationship with my children but the practices, routines & interactions.
Here’s my January 2013 #OneWordUpdate
Here’s my February 2013 #OneWord Update
You’ve just finished my March 2013 #OneWord Update
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