EVERYONE HAS REASONS: This is a disorganized list of things I commonly hear at the pregnancy center for which I think I need better responses. I’m putting it here both so I can think more systematically and so that you all can send me any thoughts you might have. This is in approximate order of frequency.

1. God wants me to be rich and successful. Not said quite that bluntly, of course. But “doing what God wants” is construed exclusively in terms of education, job, housing, etc.–not in terms of, for example, chastity, or not killing one’s baby. I don’t know to what extent this belief is related to the whole “prosperity Gospel” thing. That whole idea is so weird to me (die in Christ in order to be reborn in Him? the blood of the martyrs is the seed of the Church? Bueller? Bueller?) that I have a hard time formulating a response.

I always, always try to ensure that women leave my counseling sessions feeling more in control of their lives, more sure of their own worth and strength, while nonetheless more committed to making sacrifices and seriously changing their behavior if that’s what God is requiring (which it pretty much always is, given that these are almost always unmarried women coming in for pregnancy tests). And so I want a way to talk about the dangers of this “God wants me to do all the things I want anyway” mindset that also reinforces my clients’ hope and sense of self, and I’m not sure I’ve found one yet.

One thing I do think helps with this mindset is pointing out how much drama sex is bringing into my clients’ lives. Sex and men and missed periods and birth control and emotional upheaval–it all gets in the way. I remember the first time I used the term “drama”–echoing something I’d heard a bunch of clients say–and this girl’s face just lit up, a real “click” moment.

2. On the first rungs of the ladder. This isn’t a thing people say, so much as a position people find themselves in; and it’s one of the factors most likely to make a woman seek abortion, at least in the demographics our center serves. Women and girls who haven’t really got a foot on the ladder at all rarely consider abortion. They usually oppose it for religious reasons, so okay, they’re resigned to dealing with a baby. But women who are on their way up–first generation to go to college, or finally gotten a good job, that kind of thing–those are the women who are knocked for a loop by pregnancy. They also oppose abortion for religious reasons. But having a baby means they’ve failed. It means they’re derailed, thrown back into the ghetto cycle for another few years on “spin.” It’s the snake in Snakes and Ladders. The most common way of talking about their decision is: “I don’t believe in abortion, I think it’s wrong, but I just can’t have a baby now.” (Yeah, what a ringing endorsement of “choice.” How empowering.)

There are some things that really do reach women in this situation: pictures of fetal development. Discussion of the emotional and spiritual issues in abortion (since most of these women really do want to be good Christians, and really do think abortion is wrong–but it’s a wrong thing you can do, and maybe addressing that tangle is what I’m really struggling with). And talking about people I know who have seen their own career plans derailed by all manner of things. I try to point out that just about nobody ever has the career path she planned on at age twenty. And those personal stories of career upheavals and recovery do speak to women, because they’re obviously honest. And also, maybe, because they hook pregnant women into a community of other people who are also dealing with obstacles–they make pregnancy just another subspecies of career upheaval, rather than making it a terrible and unique stigma that needs to be hidden. Other people have faced this kind of unexpected setback; you’re not alone, you’re not singled out for punishment. I get the impression that this sense of commonality matters almost as much as the basic practical reminder that people do in fact recover from big shocks to their life-plans.

3. I don’t go to church; churches are full of hypocrites. Here I basically want to find a nice way of saying C.S. Lewis’s line that’s basically, “Hey, we’ll fit right in!” Church as hospital for sinners, not award show for the sinless. It is very odd to me to hear this from, again, unmarried women who think they might be pregnant.

I’ve been thinking about these things a lot because the past month and a half has brought me a spate of difficult clients, and I really want to become a better counselor. Your thoughts are not only welcomed but strongly encouraged.