I’ve realized lately that part of my job is to help people become more hurtful. In popular culture, the declaration comes at the beginning of a relationship, “I’ll never hurt you!” There’s a determination about this, an avowal that this time will be different, I won’t be like your parents or your last partner or the rest of the world. I’ll be your sanctuary, where all is safe. Unfortunately, this noble commitment becomes the curse of relationship. I don’t want... Read more
It’s been a week since we got back from our trip to Maui. As you can imagine, spending nine days on this beautiful island was quite blissful. Warm, moist air scented with plumeria, hot sand to stick our toes into, ocean water that was the perfect temperature to slip into, to snorkle and swim and dart around like any of the other fish. And plenty of time to nourish our bodies with sun and wonderful food and rest. Deep, deep... Read more
It was a first-thing-in-the-morning scramble. Kath was heading out to send off some packages; Nicki, our guest from Ottawa, was searching for a water bottle to take with her to yoga. Deb stopped by to pick Nicki up to go to class together. We all stood around the family room chatting for a moment, as Deb squatted down in between our two dogs, Tanny and Belle, gently petting them. Each of them was clearly in bliss, Tanny smiling, Belle lolling... Read more
If you’ve read my previous posts about control (parts One, Two, Three, and Four), you’ll notice my bottom line on the subject: There really isn’t much we have control over. The list is short: Where we place our attention; the behaviors (including the words) that we choose; our intentions. I used to spend a lot of energy trying to control my partner. I’d criticize what I didn’t like (if not out loud, at least in my head); I’d whine if... Read more
So, if there actually very little about our lives that we do control (our behavior, our attention, our intentions) how in the world do we actually create the life that we want? Take a moment to think back through your life. Notice the path that brought you to this very moment: the perfection of the unfolding of events; the “coincidences” that placed the perfect opportunities in front of you in just the right timing; the clear step-by-step through time that,... Read more
I’ve been posting about CONTROL (somehow, that word deserves all caps). There is more to come, but such a heavy subject deserves a breathing break. Ahhhhhh. I want to introduce you to my latest teacher about control. No, not my partner, though truly our relationship has offered me an entire curriculum on the subject. I am happy to say that I’ve mostly tested out of the lessons of that very rich course of study. Here she is. She’s our new... Read more
One of the main ways we create struggles with others–and within ourselves–is to decide, as Katie Hendricks says, we are having the wrong experience. “If you had looked at the traffic report, we wouldn’t be stuck in this jam!” “I should have checked my bank statement, so I wouldn’t have bounced those checks.” “If only I’d listened to my mother, I wouldn’t be married to this guy!” While learning from experience is certainly the best teacher, this constant background buzz... Read more
Gay Hendricks talks about there being two files: those things we have control over, and those things we have no control over. Our trouble, he says, often comes when we get those two files mixed up. So, let’s sort what goes into which file. Where do you think these belong? Your behavior. That one’s easy, right? You control your behavior, your choices, your actions. (Except, of course, for when you are in pure reaction mode–but that’s what getting conscious is... Read more
“If I have a hard time controlling myself, why would I want to control you?” –Tim Smith, yoga teacher. Having a sense of control plays a big role in our lives. We feel happier when we’re “in control.” Edward Deci names “self-determination” as one of the three basic motivators of human existence (the other two are competence and connectedness). He ties autonomy in with authenticity, suggesting that when we’re autonomous, we’re fully invested in what we’re doing, as we’re choosing... Read more
Here’s the wrap-up of the Seven Keys to Conscious Communication, from my last seven blogs (you can click on any of these to go back to the original blog and refresh your memory–or read it for the first time): Freedom to feel. Connection to self. Speaking the truth. Taking responsibility. Noticing your state. Solving from creative brain. Committing to impeccable integrity. Whew!! What a list. These are the powerhouse actions, the ones to take to get the most bang for... Read more
EVOLUTIONARY POWER
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