Hope?

I use to be a Prosecutor for the Chicago Board of Education and everyday I faced kids who seemed to have given up on life.  Kids who would come in, slump down in their chairs and showed no reaction to being expelled from school for bringing loaded guns to class.  Or kids who were caught having sex in the school stairway and didn't understand how that meant they had to go to an alternative school for the rest of their Chicago public school life.  The sad thing is, it was all so clear why these kids were the way they were – their parents.  I never thought I'd witness the day when parents would yell and curse at their kids infront of strangers, look at them with disgust and say things like, "I don't care what you do with him, I just want him the hell out of my house."  But down in that damp basement of the Board of Education where these hearings were held everyday, I witnessed all this and so much more. Sometimes the parent came drunk or high to the hearing and I wondered why they came at all. Watching these parents and the things that would come out their mouths, I looked at the kid and thought, "you poor baby.  You never even had a chance." 

One day during a hearing, I asked for a recess, walked out, and said I was done.  I simply could not walk back into that room and hear another story.  I knew that what was a "story" for me, was a very true reality to the kid telling it. A fellow Prosecutor reminded me why we do this, that we have to protect the other kids in the schools, that we fight for the "victims."  But who are the real victims here? The answer to that question made my job the hardest thing I've ever done.

I lost all hope that year I started my job as a Prosecutor.  The programs set up for these kids were meaningless in my opinion.  Even getting more teachers or counselors in the schools wouldn't do it.  Sure it'll help.  We need more money for our schools, better facilities, better teachers, and a more rigorous curriculum.  All this would help, but how much? Witnessing the realities of these kids' lives made me lose hope because ultimately, the real demon seemed to be their home lives.  How can policies and programs fight against a parent who tells their child they are worthless? 

Here's where I'm suppose to say, "but, there is hope in.." Well, it's just not my day to finish that sentence right now so I'll lean on others' faith and hope today. Do I think that none of this really makes a difference? Of course I don't think that, I do know it makes a difference.  And as I am in my own personal life, no matter how bad it gets, I'm always a fighter and I hate giving up.  So I will keep fighting along with everyone else who care and want to make this country a better place.  But in this moment- I feel it important to utter the truth I wish I didn't feel- that some days, I feel like there is no hope because the problems in this country just seem so large.  For that, I am very glad that we serve an even larger God.. otherwise, we'd really be in trouble.