[A telephone conversation between myself and my fraternal twin brother.]
Me: “You know how our dad always says that he wishes I would write a book?”
Brother: “Yeah. He brings that up a lot.”
Me: “Don’t tell him yet, but… I did.”
Brother: “Wait, what?”
Me: “I co-wrote a book on astrology that’s coming out in November, and I have another book coming out in 2024.”
Brother: “Wow! That’s awesome! Congratulations!”
Me: “Thanks! I’m pretty happy about it.”
Brother: “But why can’t we tell our dad?”
Me: “Ideally, the next time I visit Boston, I want to take him to his favorite bookstore and then just casually show him my picture on the back cover.”
Brother: “That sounds like an excellent plan.”
Me: “And also, I think I should break the subject matter to him gently. The whole witchcraft thing might weird him out a little, and I want to manage that as much as possible.”
Brother: “Good point. Is the second book going to be about witchcraft too?”
Me: “It is. With an emphasis on Discordianism.”
Brother: “Discordianism?”
Me: “Oh. Right. You don’t know about that. See, back in 1957, these two guys were hanging out in a bowling alley…”
[Insert completely unnecessary, 15-minute oral dissertation on the history of Discordianism here.]
Brother: “…”
Me: “I know. It’s kind of a lot.”
Brother: “It’s interesting, though!”
Me: “And I believe that you believe that! Although speaking of interest, is your daughter still into Greek mythology?”
Brother: “You know, I’m not sure. She reads everything she can get her hands on, but I don’t know how much Greek stuff she’s reading right now.”
Me: “I ask, because on top of the two upcoming books, I’ve also got a couple of essays in a book about Greek mythology, and I thought she might like a copy.” [Ed. note: It’s available here, here, and on sale here.]
Brother: “Hey, that’s great! Definitely send one.”
Me: “Except it’s less about mythology per se, and more about Greek religion. Like, the modern practice of Greek polytheism.”
Brother: “Huh.”
Me: “Yeah. I don’t want anyone thinking I’m trying to convert her or recruit her or anything.”
Brother: “You know what? I’m sure it’ll be fine.”
Me: “Okay, but remember when I suggested that she watch She-Ra and the Princesses of Power, and she binged the series and morphed into a hardline LGBTQ+ rights activist?”
Brother: “Yes. We all remember that.”
Me: “I’m just saying she’s at an impressionable age.”
Brother: “Well, how about this. Why don’t you go ahead and send the book, and we’ll pre-screen it before giving it to her.”
Me: “That works! But I promise I won’t be offended if you decide to withhold it until she’s older.”
Brother: “We’ll play it by ear, but I really think it’ll be okay. I can’t imagine you publishing anything too inappropriate.”
Me: “…”
Brother: “…?”
Me: “Your faith in me is unwarranted but appreciated.”
From a generational standpoint, it would actually be pretty cool if they did wait a few years before presenting it to her. And then, on her 16th birthday, they could ceremoniously hand it over and be like, “You, my dear, are the most recent in a long and distinguished line.”
Although she’s also smarter than the rest of the family put together, so by the time they give her the book, she’ll probably be like, “Um… you guys do know I’ve been ghostwriting his blog for three years, right?”
It’s really just another reason why I can’t wait for her to grow up.
All of her friends are going to get grounded by their parents for missing curfew or underage drinking or whatever, whereas her parents are going to be like, “What have we told you?! No founding Discordian cabals until you’re 18. Don’t make us call your uncle over this.”
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