“I wear this Saint Christopher medal sometimes because – I’m Jewish, but my boyfriend is Catholic – it was cute the way he gave it to me. He said if it doesn’t burn through my skin, it will protect me.” – Sarah Silverman
“[I]t should be noted that the Erisian Movement does not discriminate against werewolves — our membership roster is open to persons of all races, national origins and hobbies.” –Principia Discordia, page 00050
My ultimate goal, when working on The Chaos Apple, was to create a fully comprehensive treatise on practical Discordianism. And y’all, I left no fnord unturned. Ancient Greek theology? Check. Postmodern demonolatry? Check. A revolutionary system of magic that emulsifies core Discordian concepts with pop culture and Traditional Witchcraft? Two and a half checks. There was, I swore and averred, no aspect of Discordianism that didn’t get at least a brief acknowledgement in my book.
And then, literally the day after I submitted the final, final edits to the manuscript, Pope Peter Strange (the mastermind running the Freedom Cult) posted the following on his Instagram:
“A few years into Discordianism, I discovered the amazing preface to the fifth edition of Principia Discordia, where Kerry Thornley is adopting St Christopher on behalf of the Discordian Society.”
God… damnit, Strange.
Disconcerted but hoping that at least one of us was hallucinating, I pulled out my own copy of the fifth edition of the Principia. And what the venerable Lord Omar had to say on that matter was this:
When Pope Paul excommunicated Saint Christopher — who happens to be the Patron Saint of Surfers — for what seems to us like the rather negligible fault of never existing, the Discordian Society adopted him.
You know, one would think The Chaos Apple wouldn’t need a revised and expanded edition until after it was published. But hey, this is Discordianism. Rules are Aneristic.
To be fair, St. Christopher wasn’t truly excommunicated. He’s still canonized, although his feast day, along with those honoring other “legendary” saints, was removed from the liturgical calendar in 1970. But the more I thought about it, the more I understood that St. Christopher relates to Discordianism far more than its founders may have intended.
Christopher is often described as the “dog-faced” or “dog-headed” saint, and Catholic scholars have usually interpreted this to mean that he did not meet classical beauty standards. However, in the Eastern Orthodox Church, Christopher is commonly depicted with the actual head of a dog, and his veneration seems to trace back to the worship of Hermanubis, the Greco-Egyptian syncretism of Hermes and Anubis.
Like the two deities from which he derives, Hermanubis is a psychopomp, meaning that he guides the recently deceased through the Underworld. In modern terms, this translates to St. Christopher’s patronage as the protector of travelers. (It’s just that unlike his predecessor, the tourists Christopher oversees aren’t stuck with one-way tickets.) And the Hermes connection is especially interesting, since Hermes already appears in Discordianism as St. Gulik, the Messenger of the Goddess.
Even more relevant to our designs, Christopher is of the Fourteen Holy Helpers, four others of whom (Sts. Barbara, Catherine, George, and Margaret) also had their feasts deleted. Since one plus four is five, and five of the Holy Helpers lost their Catholic celebrations, I am going to abuse utilize my power as an ordained Discordian priest to name St. Christopher as the Official Enforcer of the Law of Fives. From here on out, anyone who disobeys the Fivefold Law will be stricken with lycanthropy. So let it be written, so let it be done.
Although speaking of such things: My dad was raised Baptist, but in thirties, he started wearing a St. Christopher pendant, because he traveled a lot for work. His taste in superstitious accessories drove my devoutly Protestant mom up the wall, and she eventually wrangled it away from him, but since he thinks Discordianism is neat, and she’s dead, I went ahead and snagged one of the Freedom Cult’s blessed St. Christopher medals for him. He recently got a puppy, so if anything, maybe the presence of the dog-faced saint will keep him resolute in the face of housebreaking and walkies.
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