Things You Hear at Mystic South

Things You Hear at Mystic South July 21, 2023

“WHERE’S YOUR WHITE SAGE NOW, WICCAAAAAN?!” Kelden Mercury screamed at Thorn Mooney, while Cory Hutcheson wrestled him into a chokehold and Nicholas Pearson flung curses at the lot of them.

Y’all. I am so very happy to confirm that I’m not making any of this up.

Granted, the whole thing was staged for a TikTok video. But it was still an excellent highlight of my Mystic South experience, in that someone was like, “You know what would be funny?” And then a group of witches who’d only just met a few minutes before threw themselves into an impromptu social media production.

Mu Chao, my Discordian mascot, got far more attention than I did.

This was my first time attending Mystic South, and it was also my first time presenting. I ran a workshop called “Chaos Rocks: Lithomantic Divination from a Chaos Magic Perspective,” which, as far as I can tell, went over well — about thirty people showed up, and everyone laughed at the funny parts, which was both encouraging and a huge relief. I hope to present again next year, but even if I don’t, I will definitely be back — mostly for the camaraderie and educational opportunities, but also because I met Gwion Raven and learned that if we’d gone to school together, we wouldn’t have been allowed to sit next to each other.

Get you a conference buddy who will giggle and pass notes with you during lectures. This is my sage advice. Dibs on Gwion.

I also got the chance to catch up with John Beckett, whom I hadn’t seen since Austin Witchfest. John posted a very thoughtful write-up of this year’s conference, and I highly suggest reading it before wading into the train wreck below. Because some people go to Pagan events to collect memories or inspiration, while others collect books, art, and souvenirs. Me, though, I just skulk ferally through the hallways collecting overheard quotations, and then I post them out of context for the general amusement and/or bafflement of all.

As such, it gives me the greatest of glee to officially share…

Things You Hear at Mystic South

“What is a boy crone?”

“We’ll put the mama books right next to the baby decks, and I can’t believe I fucking said that.”

“I just yelled at a random bearded man. Please tell me there’s a witch down the hall.”

“Hoof and horn, fight of the century. I love it.”

“I believe that Pagan Standard Time is an abomination.”

“We didn’t have hot Jesus, like on the brochure. We had Saturday Jesus.”

“Get all your crows in a row. I like that better.”

“Once I saw the Bongo Dong, I was hypnotized.”

“He’s such an attention whore, this goat.”

Mu Chao, Black Phillip, Paparazzi (i.e. me, Dodie Graham McKay, and Heather Greene).

“My sister had this whole coven of American Girl dolls.”

“Don’t egg the woman who gets in the elevator on the fifth floor. You don’t want to make her mad.”

“I danced ecstatically to Dionysus, and now my everything hurts.”

“I’m going to have to give you a dramatic re-enactment of the workshop I just attended.”

“He demanded to know why I didn’t reference his books. And then he died.”

“The O.T.O. is more potlucky.”

“Primary, secondary, thirdary… thirdary? Thirdary.”

“I feel like the guy with the toga and the drinking horn should get to move to the front of the line.”

“I like how all the Gardnerians unknowingly sat together.”

“It’s weird having memories of the future.”

“Our toilet seat is actively trying to send us to the Underworld.”

“He sounded like a gremlin before. He doesn’t sound like a gremlin now.”

“We import the Folk Metal and export the Floridian Death Metal.”

“Are you ready to go out into the world and fuck some shit up magically?”

“It was a good time. I had no idea what was going on, but it was a good time.”

And finally…

“The dude on the floor said that everything will be okay.”

And so it was.

Like what you’ve read? You can buy me a coffee about it.

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(The exit is right through the gift shop.)

About Thumper
Thumper (Horkos) Marjorie Splitfoot Forge is a Gardnerian High Priest, an initiate of the Minoan Brotherhood, an Episkopos of the Dorothy Clutterbuck Memorial Cabal of Laverna Discordia, a recovering alcoholic, and a notary public from Houston, TX. His first book, VIRGO WITCH, co-authored with Ivo Dominguez, Jr., will be available in November 2023. You can read more about the author here.

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