My Family is Using the Bible to Condemn My Gay Son – How Can I Respond?

My Family is Using the Bible to Condemn My Gay Son – How Can I Respond? May 8, 2015

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Have you ever had someone come at you – judging and condemning your gay children? Maybe trying to “set you straight”? Even saying you and your child are going to hell using words like abomination and apostate?

Both Rob & I have.

Friends (I guess it would be former friends), strangers online, church leaders, and even close family members. All judging and condemning us because of our love for our own children, and because of our advocacy for human beings who are gay.

There are many of you out there who are currently on the receiving end of this kind of attack – all done “with love, in Jesus name.”  Doesn’t quite feel like that does it?

More often than not, these “caring” people – who are actually being incredibly self-focused and are terribly afraid (the Box-Church) – come with Bible in hand, but misunderstanding and misapplying scripture.

What do you do?dear-susan_white

I write Dear Susan posts most every Friday. Sometimes they are poignant, sometimes thought-provoking, sometimes tender, sometimes funny… but hopefully always worth the read.

Dear Susan:

I wish I had a cheat sheet with scriptures and their real meanings for that day that I have those conversations with my family about my gay son. I don’t know the bible as well as some so it’s hard for me to quote scripture but my sister knows it inside and out and I know that’s going to be a tough one for me. Guess I’ll just have to really study up beforehand, lol!

A Mom

Dear Mom,

So here’s a little tip about speaking to family about your son, when and if the time comes. First, let me assure you that you won’t win a scripture war, not because you can’t make the points but because there is no winning. People stay stuck on this because they are afraid, and they really believe the lies and false teaching they’ve been taught about it, without really letting God show them anything different.

The truth is that the Bible does NOT condemn homosexuality. You can learn more here. It is people like your sister who need to defend their stance on this – because it is based on completely false teaching that is contrary to scripture, and contrary to the heart of God and the teachings of Jesus. I would stand firm and proud on the truth and refuse to go down that road with them – their issue is with God, not you.

However, when it comes up, your best path is to talk about your own experience. You don’t have to have all the answers to any question that might come your way – you just tell your story. No one can debate your experience.

When asked things you don’t know, you can say, “I don’t know about that – but I know my son didn’t choose to be gay, I know God loves my son, I know we’re told not to judge, and I know that people who have tried to make gay people either change or commit to celibacy have caused incalculable damage. I know that Jesus said to love God and love others, and everything else would line up under that. I figure that’s good enough for me.”

Who can argue with that? If they say, “But what about the verse…” You say, “I don’t know about that. But I know my son didn’t choose to be gay, I know God loves my son, I know we’re told not to judge…”

Focus on your story and on your experience. Focus on the heart.

Don’t be drawn in to a theological debate with someone who believes there is no possible way they could be wrong.

I am so proud of you for loving your son the way you do! You are standing on the truth – and you are on the right side history and of God’s heart.

Your son will be forever grateful. Well done Mom!

Wishing you the best, Susan


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