Christian Nation Series: Toxic Masculinity Discusses Marriage

It’s time for the topic you’ve all been waiting for: “thou shalt not commit adultery.” It just so happens that in the last few days, I binge- (and cringe-) watched “Shiny Happy People: Duggar family secrets.” It’s an important miniseries (available on Amazon Prime) about the Duggars (of “19 Kids and Counting” fame), their pal (disgraced) Bill Gothard, and the Institute in Basic Life Principles (IBLP).

My upbringing was conservative, but not that conservative. However, much of the show’s content was familiar to me because my children and I spent years in a homeschool co-op where many families were “fundies” and lived by IBLP-like principles.

I’m still processing Shiny Happy People – and probably will be for a while. It was a bit traumatizing, but if you haven’t seen it, I encourage you to do so. We all need to know about this community and culture. (More on this below.)

This series examines the question of whether Christian nationalism and American freedom can peacefully coexist. We’re working our way through the Ten Commandments, a pillar of Christian nationalism. (If you haven’t been following the series, you can get up to speed here.)

“Thou shalt not commit adultery” (which enlightened people call the 6th commandment, and the less-informed call the 7th commandment) is a law about relationships and marriage. There is much that can be said about this topic, but today, let’s explore what the Bible says about marriage vs. what (some) Christian nationalists say. In subsequent posts, we’ll talk about divorce, gay marriage, and maybe other related topics. Ultimately, we’re looking to find out how America might look if it were a Christian nation

(If you’re looking for the “toxic masculinity” mentioned in the title of this post, it’s farther down. Look for “Fasten your seatbelt.”)

Marriage in the OT

Let’s start with a quick survey of biblical teaching on marriage (as opposed to human interpretation of biblical teaching on marriage).

Hebrew (Old) Testament marriages were sometimes polygamous and usually arranged. At times they crossed tribal borders, although this was taboo after God laid down the Law (Deuteronomy 7:3, 8).

Of course, women were considered the property of men – it was in the contract. And while a man could divorce his wife, she could not divorce him.

Jumping forward, British pastor Adrian Thatcher provides an excellent summary of New Testament teachings on marriage. He looks at the messages in the epistles (except Ephesians), the Gospels, and last, Ephesians.

Marriage in the epistles

As Thatcher describes it, Paul considered marriage

a distressing institution…’Those who marry will experience distress in this life, and I would spare you that’ (1 Corinthians 11:28). It produces both anxiety and divided loyalties (11:33–35)…

The only justification for marrying was doing something about lust…There are no justifications of marriage in Paul about the procreation of children or benefiting from its sacramental character. ‘It is better to marry than to burn’ (11:8, KJV).

Paul was also convinced that the world was approaching a time of crisis (1 Corinthians 11:26, 31), and that Jesus would be returning soon (1 Thessalonians 4:16–17; 1 Corinthians 15:51–52); therefore Paul prioritized proclamation of the gospel over earthly matters like marriage.

Other epistles teach that women attain salvation through childbearing and maintaining “faith, love, and modesty” (1 Timothy 2:15), and that females are required to practice submission and modesty (1 Peter 3:1-6).

Men are exhorted to be considerate toward their wives, who are the weaker sex (1 Peter 3:7).

Jesus on marriage

We might suppose that Jesus was pro-marriage, that he even elevated the institution by encouraging greater focus on love and equality. But the gospels do not bear this out. Thatcher reports:

A consensus of current scholarship is that Jesus regarded marriage as a ‘distraction,’ but he accepted it as rooted in Jewish society. The earliest Gospel (Mark) records an incident where Jesus is asked ‘Is it lawful for a man to divorce his wife?’ (10:2). Jesus…forbade divorce absolutely (10:2–12).

In Matthew’s version, Jesus accepted his disciples’ response that it is better not to marry at all if divorce is forbidden (Matt. 19:10), observing that some of his disciples become eunuchs in order to be faithful to his teaching (19:11–12). He, like Paul, was intensely aware of a forthcoming catastrophe; also like Paul, he thought preparing for it was more important than marrying (Matthew 24:37-39).

Luke’s Jesus is even more forthright by dismissing marriage completely, teaching that a married man who separates from his wife for the sake of the kingdom of God gains rewards both in this age and in the age to come (18.29; also see Luke 20:34-36) [and] “Those who belong to this age marry and are given in marriage” (Luke 20:34).

Our Christian culture has made marriage a norm and expectation, so I was surprised to discover that Jesus was not a big proponent of marriage. I expect you might have been too.

This is a reminder that when Christian leaders present the Bible as a simple, unified message, with a path that we are all expected to follow – we should be wary. (I have written extensively on the oversimplification and lack of nuance in much of evangelical teaching – see this, this, and this for example.)

Ephesians on marriage

Ephesians 5:21-33 accepts the institution of marriage and offers instructions to regulate it. It’s not exactly an ode to equality and passion, but at least it doesn’t tell us all to stay single:

Submit to one another out of reverence for Christ.

Wives, submit yourselves to your own husbands as you do to the Lord. For the husband is the head of the wife as Christ is the head of the church, his body, of which he is the Savior. Now as the church submits to Christ, so also wives should submit to their husbands in everything.

Husbands, love your wives, just as Christ loved the church and gave himself up for her to make her holy, cleansing her by the washing with water through the word, and to present her to himself as a radiant church, without stain or wrinkle or any other blemish, but holy and blameless.

In this same way, husbands ought to love their wives as their own bodies. He who loves his wife loves himself.

After all, no one ever hated their own body, but they feed and care for their body, just as Christ does the church—for we are members of his body.“For this reason a man will leave his father and mother and be united to his wife, and the two will become one flesh.” This is a profound mystery—but I am talking about Christ and the church.

However, each one of you also must love his wife as he loves himself, and the wife must respect her husband.

Adrian Thatcher comments on the passage:

Three times husbands are told to love their wives (Ephesians 5:25, 28, 33b). Three times wives are told to submit to their husbands (Ephesians 5:22, 24b, 33c)…

Mutuality is not on the agenda. Leading and dominating is what men do, and the Christian husband exercises his leadership by loving his wife.

Marital love belongs to the husband only, as a function of his priority, or ‘headship’ in the marriage. The husbands do the loving, and the wives do the submitting or ‘fearing.’ Wives, the author admonishes, are to ‘Be subject to your husbands as you are to the Lord.’

Jesus is reported elsewhere as saying ‘No one can serve two masters’ (Matthew 6:24). But that is exactly what Christian wives are required to do.

Let’s take a moment to ponder Paul’s statement about the “profound mystery” of Christ as the Bridegroom and the Church as his Bride. Applied in the spiritual sense, the metaphor works: Jesus (the husband) is the hero of the story – strong, patient, forgiving – and the Church (the wife) is weak-willed, unfaithful, and in need of rescue.

But applied to earthly marriage, the metaphor presents the woman as fundamentally subordinate and deficient, while the husband gallantly accepts her with all her defects. Ephesians 5:25-27 implies that it is up to the husband to sanctify (“cleanse”) his wife.

For those who assume the words of the Bible are God’s immutable mandate to his people, the Bible assigns women to a permanently degrading position.

And that statement is a perfect segue into the topic of marriage in the conservative Christian community.

Fasten your seatbelt – toxic masculinity ahead

What follows is drawn from a website that is apparently very popular among conservative Christians seeking advice on marriage and family life. It’s called Biblical Gender Roles (biblicalgenderroles.org).

As you can guess from the name of the website, it declares every one of its teachings to be scripturally based. Its author also promotes Christian nationalism.

The content from this website may shock you as it did me – I’m still coming to grips with the fact that Christian toxic masculinity has reached this destructive level.

Please note: the belief system described below is not embraced by all conservative Christians – or by all evangelicals or fundamentalists or Christian nationalists.

Nevertheless, conservative Christian orgs and leaders (for example, Focus on the Family, the Christian Coalition, ACLJ, AFA, Family Research Council, the 700 Club, and formerly IBLP) wield tremendous power.

While Biblical Gender Roles may be more rightwing than some, it’s safe to say that with such powerful, conservative groups dominating the conversation, many millions of Americans probably hold to beliefs similar to those below.

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Here is a sampling of many intriguing topics and statements from Biblical Gender Roles (the different colors are there just to indicate a change in topic (click the titles to read further):

The Scourge of Feminism: Mankind has witnessed almost every type of wicked and sinful behavior imaginable since the beginning of history. But one evil had never before been witnessed in the history of the world until just the last 150 years, and that is the scourge of feminism.

Why God Wants Wives To Be Doormats When taken together – 1 Peter 2:18 through 1 Peter 3:6 teaches that those who have masters, whether they be wives or slaves, are commanded to endure cruel and unjust treatment from their masters. And in doing so, those who endure mistreatment at the hands of their masters emulate Christ in his sufferings.

Polygamy: Just because God created men with polygynous sexual natures and allows and blesses the practice of polygyny does not mean it is always wise for men to seek to pursue polygynous marriage.

The fact that our modern society has made it illegal and is morally opposed to it in most circles makes it very difficult to live this life…The truth is there are few men in our modern area that are up to this task financially, emotionally and spiritually.

8 Biblical Differences Between Wives and Slaves:

God did not design men to be the property of other men. God did design women to be the property of their husbands.

Wives and Children [are] Designated by God as Property and Slaves [are] Allowed as Property.

How to discipline your wife “if a gentle rebuke does not work”: These are just some examples of non-abusive ways that a Christian husband can discipline his wife in a way that honors God and his design for the home:

If your wife is spending too much time online (like Facebook or other social outlets or online shopping) then if she does not respond to your warnings about this, you could change your internet code on your router so that her devices will not have access to the internet.

If your wife is un-submissive in the sexual arena and chronically denies your sexual advances (without legitimate medical or psychological reasons for doing so), then perhaps that upcoming trip you were going to take her on gets canceled. Maybe that wardrobe upgrade your wife was looking forward to gets downsized or canceled. The Bible says a man has to supply his wife with clothing, but it does not say it has to be the expensive clothing she wants!

A Christian Husband’s Guide to Grooming His Young Wife: Even if you are both Biblicist Christians, age is a major factor in a man grooming his wife. I have consistently heard from mentoring couples I have spoken with that the grooming of a bride has the most success in women under the age of 25. After that the chances of success radically fall, even with believing wives.

20 Doctrines Regarding Biblical Gender Roles

5. In marriage, God has not only placed husbands in authority over their wives, but he also given them ownership of their wives.

10. God made woman as “the weaker vessel”(I Peter 3:7) or weaker human so that woman would need man’s leadership.

11. God made woman to bear man’s children and be the keeper of the home.

20. Because man is God’s image bearer, it is God’s design that men should rule over women in all areas of life…Patriarchy is not just a cultural tradition of ages past, but it is in fact God’s design for society.

Does the Bible Allow a Husband to Spank his Wife? I have received many emails over the years from Christian women who willingly allow their husbands to use spanking as a form of discipline. What [the women] have in common is that they have told me this is a humbling experience for them and reminds them of two things. It reminds them of their position before their husband that God has placed them in. It also reminds them that their husband truly loves them as Christ said of his Churches in Revelation 3:19 “As many as I love, I rebuke and chasten: be zealous therefore, and repent.”

Question from reader: When has the wife been punished enough? Is it when her bottom starts to become light pink, when she starts to cry, when she starts kicking and crying like a baby (I’d say that’s the point when her stubbornness and pride are gone) or when?

Answer from a reader: Spankings should be as hard and long as they need to be to teach the right lesson and instill a contrite attitude. Obviously, they should not cause serious injury, but they might cause anything from a red bottom to some bruising which lasts up to a week. A husband can use whatever instrument best does the job. I sometimes use a belt or a wooden paddle, but I occasionally use my hand.

Comment from a female reader: If I lashed out in front of company to an extent that my husband thought a spanking was appropriate, we just made up a code phrase [to signal the spanking would come later]. I haven’t heard it in a while, which just shows that discipline is effective at any age.

Comment from another reader: My wife and I have been married 49 years. Jane grew up in a Christian home where spanking was openly practiced, Jane and her sisters were subject to spanking by her father until they married, her bothers up to age 13. Jane’s mother was subject to spanking as well. When I married Jane I had no intention of ever spanking her…After about a year of [bad] behavior, with her father’s encouragement, I began spanking her for bad behavior. That was 48 years ago…[now] Jane rarely needs to be spanked. But she knows she will never be too old to be spanked. So yes in a Christian marriage there is a place for spankings.

Should Husbands Invite Their Wives to Criticize Them? 1 Peter 3:1-2 is crystal clear on how a wife should handle it when she feels her husband is being disobedient to God’s Word whether in their marriage or in other parts of his life. She is to win him with her subjection and her pure behavior, not her “critical feedback.”

1 Peter 3:1-2 leaves absolutely no room for a wife to verbally correct her husband. It does not say “criticize him sparingly” or “criticize him respectfully in private.” A wife wins her husband with her actions, not her words. This is the teaching of the Bible.

Why God Wants You to STAY in an Abusive Relationship: If a husband violates the Exodus 21:26-27 principle and threatens or actually causes serious bodily harm or what he is doing has the potential of causing death to her or her children, a wife has every right to approach her church authorities and civil authorities…

Often times we center these discussions of domestic abuse on husbands and fathers, but we forget that wives and moms can and do physically, verbally and emotionally abuse their husbands and children as well.

[According to I Peter 2:18-24] When we endure grief or suffer wrongly at the hands of others, in other words when we endure mistreatment which is abuse and take it patiently the Scriptures tell us “this is acceptable with God.”…

Such a thought is foreign to our thinking but the Scriptures tell us “For my thoughts are not your thoughts, neither are your ways my ways, saith the Lord” (Isaiah 55:8).

Is it wrong for Christian women to wear pants? Nowhere in the Bible does the Bible say that men must wear pants at all times or that women must wear dresses at all times nor does it say for a woman to wear pants is a sin in and of itself.

The only way it is sin for a woman to wear pants is if her father or her husband forbids her to wear them or if she wears pants to her church when her Pastor has made it clear that female church members are to wear dresses for church services and activities.

5 Ways to Show Your Husband Reverence

2. A reverent wife addresses her husband as her earthly lord: The most practical way a woman can verbally show her husband she regards him as her lord is by frequently saying “Yes sir”. In our culture the word “sir” can take on many meanings…But when a woman looks at her man and says “Yes sir” (and she does in a respectful way) he feels her reverence in that moment.

3. A reverent wife kneels before her husband: [Referring to Psalm 45:11 ,“he fell on his face, and did reverence”] That is the kind of humility a wife should be having with her husband.

(The website has more to say about wives kneeling before their husbands…you can check it out on your own if you’re so inclined.)

When you’ve recovered from the heart attack you probably just experienced, please share this post with others.

This is more than enough content for one day – I will respond to this typhoon of toxic masculinity in an upcoming post, and I welcome your thoughts on my Facebook page.

We need to understand that this is happening within the larger Christian community – and realize it’s a serious threat that we can’t ignore. Christian nationalists want to impose their lifestyle on all of us.

On camera, the Duggars were soft-spoken, well-mannered, and appeared harmless – but the toxic masculinity that guides their movement threatens to take our country back to the Dark Ages, humiliating women and dishonoring the name of God.

Coming up, we will be looking at divorce and gay marriage as “thou shalt not commit adultery-adjacent” issues.

(If you are energized by challenges to the evangelical status quo like this, please subscribe to my newsletter! If you would like to comment on this post, please pop over to my Facebook page. All of my posts are there and open to constructive comment! I welcome your thoughts.)

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