What Happens When Jesus Becomes a Televangelist (John Frye)

Post by John Frye:

Jesus as a Televangelist

The twelve disciples washed the dust off the stones at Jacob’s Well in preparation for Jesus’ evangelistic message to the Samaritans. The Jesus Band Traveling Roadshow booked a 12 noon event at the well near Sychar.

Jesus: I think I’ll stand here. The sun hits the best side of my face from this angle…like this, don’t you think?

Peter: Yeah, Jesus. You look good, really good.

[voice shouts…5 minutes to show time!]

Jesus to Peter: How many do you think will show up?

Peter: I don’t know. Ya’ can’t ever tell with these Samaritan types. Could be a couple hundred, could be one. Who knows?

[music begins with an Israeli rockin’ version of Psalm 150]

Announcer: Ladies and gentlemen [sees only one person]…ah, I mean lady, you there, yeah, you, lady coming to draw water. The Jesus Band Traveling Roadshow presents the one, the only, the hitherto unknown carpenter from Nazareth, Jeeeeezzzzus the Messiaaaaah!!

Jesus: Thank you. Thank you very much. I am so glad to be here at Jacob’s Well. Praise the Lord. I mean, praise me. The blessings of Gawd Almighty flow like a river from this very holy, holy site. I feel the Spirit ahmovin’, I hear the angels ahsingin’, I see the demons ahrunnin’, and I see sinners ahrepentin’! Thank Gawd Almighty! I’ve been away with my Abba, my Daddy, and he’s givin’ me a word for you today. Not just any word either. It’s a mighty word; it’s a sharp and penetratin’ word; it’s a word that strikes like a hammer and yet tastes like honey. You don’t want to miss this stirring, Holy Ghost word…right after this very anointed song by my partners in ministry, James and John–the Sons of Thundeeeer!

James and John sing “Calling Fire Down on the Heathen” [meant to prepare hard hearts for the searing message to come]

Jesus: Aah won-a-full, a-won-a-full! Tank you, boyza, for tat arousin’ asong!

Unexpectedly the sole woman in the audience speaks up.

Woman: Hey! Yeah, you! Can I get my water and get outta here?

Jesus: Can you? Can you? That is the question, isn’t it, woman of Samaria? You come expecting one kind of water. Just plain old water. Can you get it? I’m sure you can. But, Gawd has brought you here today. Nooooo, you didn’t just choose to come. Gawd Almighty has drawn you here. “Why?” you may ask. I’ll tell you whhhyyy. ‘Cause I’ve got something special for you. I got a heavenly gift. I got a whole kind of other water for you. I got the Holy Ghost water of eterrrnal lifefa! The water I give you will be as a mighty river flowing in and through you. You will neeeever have to come here ever again! (Jesus wipes sweat from his forehead)

Woman: Blessed Jacob’s well! Such a deal! I want that everlasting, Holy Ghost water!

Jesus [shuts his eyes tight]: I’m gettin’ a word…yes, Laawd, yes, Lawd. [To the woman] Go, get your husband and bring him here!

Woman: Oh, Jesus. Oh, Jesus, I’m feelin’ so convicted. Oh, Lawd, I ain’t got no husband!

Jesus [pointing his finger at her]: You Jezebel! You woman of the night. You rebel from Gawd, you are sooooo right! You don’t have a husband. You are a harlot! Your secret sins have found you out! You’ve had five, count ‘em, fiiiiiiive husbands, and the man you are living with in wickedness and sin is not your husband! I call the demon of harlotry out of you!! Come out, you unclean spirit of zexual immoralitay!! Gaawd Almighty, come and set this vile sinner free!!

Woman: Ooooh, I can feeeeel it. The Holy Ghost is ahmovin’ on me. Aaaaaaaaahhhhh! [begins to shake uncontrollably] Jesus! Jesus! Jesus!

Jesus: Old time power! Almighty Gawd is sendin’ His old time pow-wa! Come, Lawd! Come, Lawd!!

Woman [sinks toward the dust and caught by Thomas] I am clean. I am healed. I am born again! I got the Holy Ghost! Hallelujah!

[music fades in with Matthew and Philip singing “We are One in the Spirit”]

Announcer: We’d invite you to send us 40 shekels today. For this gift, the Jesus Band Traveling Roadshow will send you, free of charge, this precious vial of Jacob’s Well water. Send the shekels to JBTR at P.O Box 777, Bethany, Judah 0515673. Along with the vial of water we’ll include this little scroll titled “How God Wants to Save You from All Your Terrible Sins and Take You to Heaven When You Die.” Until the next show, Glow-rey Be!