The Babylon Bee Non-Study Bible

The Babylon Bee Non-Study Bible February 17, 2018

Hilarious. Each book of the Bible in one sentence.

Genesis – God makes everything and it’s really good for about 3.2 seconds.
Exodus – YAHWEH VS. RA FIGHT NIGHT ONLY ON PAY-PER-VIEW SUNDAY SUNDAY SUNDAY!
Leviticus – STOP DOING GROSS STUFF.
Numbers – Israel makes a wrong turn near Mt. Sinai, refuses to ask for directions.
Deuteronomy – I SAID STOP DOING GROSS STUFF GOSH WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU PEOPLE.

Joshua – The hotly anticipated product launch of Moses 2.0.
Judges – A riveting documentary on the doctrine of total depravity.
Ruth – The Bachelorette: Hebrew Edition.
1 Samuel – David & Goliath.
2 Samuel – David & Goliath: The direct-to-VHS sequel.
1 Kings – Solomon marries a ton of women and that turns out to be a really bad idea. Who knew!
2 Kings – Israel and Judah go 0-for-2 in a deathmatch against Babylon and Assyria. Shoulda declared Philippians 4:13 over that mess, guys…
1 Chronicles – A sweeping documentary of Israel’s history, like those sprawling 24-VHS sets covering World War 2 your dad probably has.
2 Chronicles – A sweeping documentary of Israel’s history, like those sprawling 24-VHS sets covering World War 2 your dad probably has—PART 2.

Ezra – The Temple gets an Extreme Home Makeover.
Nehemiah – Jerusalem gets an Extreme Home Makeover.
Esther – A brave Jewish woman saves her people. Full of more exciting drama and intrigue than any episode of Game of Thrones, plus way more clothing.

Job – Hebrew country music song.
Psalms – An ancient Hillsong album with sheep metaphors instead of ocean metaphors.
Proverbs – GOD PITIES THE FOOL WHO DON’T FOLLOW HIM.
Ecclesiastes – Everything is meaningless, except everything isn’t really meaningless because God gives everything meaning. Whoa.
Song of Solomon – Go ask your parents.

Isaiah – Make Worship Great Again!
Jeremiah – God has a great plan and a future for you and definitely not any suffering nope not at all.
Lamentations – :'(
Ezekiel – A total Lovecraftian mind-trip with bones and eagles and flaming psychedelic wheels and stuff.
Daniel – Daniel fights his own personal lions who also happen to be actual lions that want to eat him.

Hosea – Minor prophet who’s not Jonah—feel free to skip.
Joel – Minor prophet who’s not Jonah—feel free to skip.
Amos – Minor prophet who’s not Jonah—feel free to skip.
Obadiah – Minor prophet who’s not Jonah—feel free to skip.
Jonah – An anthropomorphic asparagus goes on an adventure with some pirates.
Micah – Minor prophet who’s not Jonah—feel free to skip.
Nahum – Minor prophet who’s not Jonah—feel free to skip.
Habakkuk – Minor prophet who’s not Jonah—feel free to skip.
Zephaniah – Minor prophet who’s not Jonah—feel free to skip.
Haggai – Minor prophet who’s not Jonah—feel free to skip.
Zechariah – Minor prophet who’s not Jonah—feel free to skip.
Malachi – Minor prophet who’s not Jonah—feel free to skip.

Matthew – Peter does dumb stuff, Jesus is the Messiah.
Mark – Peter does dumb stuff, Jesus is the suffering Servant.
Luke – Peter does dumb stuff, Jesus is the Son of Man.
John – Peter does dumb stuff, Jesus is the Son of God.

Acts – Miracles, shipwrecks, lots of tongues. Basically John MacArthur’s worst nightmare.
Romans – God justifies, man screws stuff up.
1 Corinthians – Stop screwing stuff up, Corinth.
2 Corinthians – CORINTH. I MEAN IT THIS TIME CORINTH.
Galatians – Romans but shorter.
Ephesians – Romans but shorter 2: Electric Boogaloo.
Philippians – You can win sports games through Jesus.
Colossians – Jesus rules all of creation, yes even the weird stuff like platypi.

1 Timothy – Ladies, plz stop talking.
2 Timothy – Paul gives his dying instructions to Timothy, much like Yoda to Luke in Return of the Jedi.
1 Thessalonians – Jesus is coming around the mountain when he comes.
2 Thessalonians – A letter full of encouragement and inspiration, like an ancient Max Lucado book.
Titus – Basically a first-century vision-casting conference for young pastors.
Philemon – Paul’s passive-aggressive anti-slavery manifesto.

Hebrews – Moses gets straight ethered for 13 chapters.
James – Act more gooder, people.
1 Peter – U gonna suffer fam.
2 Peter – Bro, Paul’s really confusing plz help.
1 John – God is love m’kay?
2 John – Yup, He’s still love.
3 John – HOW MANY TIMES DO I HAVE TO SAY IT PEOPLE GOSH.
Jude – Stop being heretics plz, k thx bye.
Revelation – Kirk Cameron fights the Antichrist in order to save Christmas from the new world order. Thanks, Kirk!


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What Are Your Thoughts?leave a comment
  • Barb

    I love how the short letters have become text messages. I also love that although I get most of the pop culture references I don’t get them all-always more to learn.

  • patriciamc

    Brilliant! Feel free to skip – LOL

  • Would have been funny if they started that mantra with Malachi and interrupted it with, “—wait, bring the tithe!!!”

  • Paperboy_73

    A mighty generous reading of Philemon there. Old Testament has most of the best lines. Philippians may be the winner though.

  • Bridget Barry

    Platypi are not weird. They’re just sweet as. Cane toads on the other hand …

  • Steve

    Just wondering if the BB Non-Study Biblical canon somehow got out of sync…Timothy before Thessalonians?

  • Aaron Lage

    I think Job’s description was my favorite. Everyone knows what happens when you play country music backwards. You get your dog back, your wife back, your truck back… lol!

  • Tom Lilley

    Great article, but pretty poor form just copying the entire thing from Babylon Bee.

  • Brad Magyar

    I said the same thing and got my comment removed.