What does a woman mean when she says “I need space”?

What does a woman mean when she says “I need space”? October 18, 2012

young businesswoman or student with a stop gesture

Dear John,

A good friend of mine suggested I contact you.

I am now at the end of a five-year relationship and I am feeling lost as to what happened. We have had no fights, no disagreements, no infidelity. Just all of a sudden, it is over. I came home yesterday to a “Dear John” letter, asking me to move out.

I am 41 years old, and this is/was the first time in my life that I could say I found my soul mate. I have been living in what seemed like a wonderland of bliss. Right before our five-year anniversary, my partner told me that she did not feel like moving forward—but that she also didn’t know why she felt that way. Said she is afraid of conflict, so she had put off telling and hurting me—but letting it build up until there is no way of fixing it is not much better.

She tells me it is not me at all, that I have been doing everything right. But she just doesn’t know why she is feeling this way.

I am an old school gentleman. I believe in manners, and treating people well. I open doors for her, I rub her feet when she has had a long day at work, I cook her dinner, I do my part around the house. I listen to her vent about her day and I interact with her conversations. Yet nothing I do seems to be the right thing.

I am so in love with this woman. And even though I know I can survive without her, I want to do whatever I can to stay with her.

I will be giving her space—as she wanted. But where do I go from here? I have spent the last 5 years thinking we were going to grow old together . . . I never planned for this ( I guess none of us do…but it still hit me fast and hard). I know five years does not sound like much to most people. I have been in longer relationships, but when you are this in love with a person five years felt like 20!

I just don’t know what to do…Every girlfriend I have had in the past ALWAYS ended up cheating on me, sometimes with a good friend, sometimes with an “enemy,” and even once with my older brother.

This time was different. She NEVER cheated on me. We had a completely different relationship than I had known…and I embraced it with open arms. I felt completely comfortable for once in my life. I never had any worries about infidelity.

Last night I got a chance to speak with her. She told me that she feels smothered and trapped…and that she needs space.

What exactly does it mean when a woman says she “needs space”?

I have asked a few different female friends: What does it mean when a woman says she needs space? And none of them had an answer for me. When I ask my guy friends, they all immediately say, “Oh, she is having an affair.”

I have asked her straight-out about affairs or even other people she might be interested in, and her response was a very believable NO! And I do believe her when she says it.

But not even she can explain to me what she means by “needing space,” other than me out of her life. I think that is just the easy way out….and not facing whatever is really bothering her.

She told me last night, “Let me go and hope that I come back.”

What kind of craziness is that?

It’s not crazy at all.

Dude, first of all, you need to make some new friends. “I dunno,” and “It means she’s having an affair” are two of the dipshittiest answers ever to the question, “What does a woman mean when she says she needs space?” (Actually, you need to get new guy friends, and to ask your female friends why they weren’t being honest with you. Because, I promise you, they know exactly what your girlfriend meant.)

What a woman means when she says she needs more space and wants you to go away, is that she needs more space and wants you to go away. I don’t see how she could have made herself more clear.

And “Let me go and hope that I come back” is a superb thing for you to hear. It’s a whole key to a successful relationship, right there. You need to send her a card and thank her for sharing with you the ultimate wisdom of the universe when it comes to relationships.

But don’t call her. Don’t track her down and hang around her making the deluxe faces alá mopey. Don’t do anything. Leave her alone.

When I was a kid, I used to be nuts over butterflies. One day I caught a monarch butterfly, took it home, and let it loose in my bedroom. I thought that butterfly fluttering about my bedroom was just about the most beautiful thing I’d ever seen. So, of course, I tried to catch it again. But I couldn’t; every time I tried to cup it in my hands, it flew just outside my reach. So I gave up, and just stood still in the middle of my room, watching it.

And you know what happened? It landed on my nose. And, by way of hanging onto my nose, it jammed its long legs right up my nostrils.

So remember: If you let your girlfriend go, and she comes back, refuse to let her stick her feet up your nose. It’s not as delightful as you’d think.

No, but listen, man: You’re too invasive. That’s where this relationship went wrong. I can tell just from your letter that you did that thing guys are really prone to doing in relationships: you tried to make her too much yours. In a way the full depth of which you would do extremely well to take the time to fully comprehend (which won’t be easy: this is core stuff), you way too often tried to make you and her occupy the same mental and spiritual space. You pressed her to let you know her every thought, her every feeling, her every inclination, her every opinion, desire, mood, motivation. You just sort of naturally assumed that by persistently (not to say compulsively) doing that, you and she would be even closer. So close, in fact, that you’d actually be one.

And it makes utter sense that you would do that. Desiring to essentially occupy the same emotional and spiritual space as your beloved feels so much like love! It is love. But it’s love in the way that 400 lbs. of chocolate is dessert. It’s sweet at first. And then it’s just entirely too much.

One of the hardest things about loving someone—especially when you live with them, and so have access to them all the time—is … well, not trying to make them you. When you really love someone, you worry about them. You want to know they’re okay; you want to know if there’s anything you can do to make them more okay. You want to help them. You want to always be there for them.

You want, as you put it, to open doors for her, rub her feet when she’s had a long day at work, cook her dinner, do your part around the house, listen to her vent about her day, interact with her conversations. (Okay, so I have to say that I tripped a bit over that last part—where you wrote, “I interact with her conversations.” That’s something I would expect this guy to say:

You know what I mean? That’s a weird way to say that. And it makes me pretty sure, actually, now that I think about, that English is not your first language. Which … has nothing to do with anything. So never mind. But do let me say that you are rocking English. English is the only language I know, and I can’t figure out how to say half the stuff I want to. So, dude: way to have a humongous, Data-size brain.)

Anyway: You love someone; you want them to be okay; you make it your constant business to see to it that they’re okay—and the next thing you know, they’re telling you that you’re sucking the life out of them. Because you are. Because loving someone is really close to loving them too much. Many, many people fall into that dark and terrible chasm between “I love you,” and “Tell me what you’re thinking about right now and why.”

One is the stuff of romance. The other is the stuff of getting arrested for stalking.

Bottom line: Any women (just like any man) wants to be loved. But people want to be loved by a person they can love. And you can’t love somebody who’s too often more about you than they are themselves. Because that tells you that they don’t have a life: that they want you to make their life for them. And that sucks. When you’re with someone like that, what you pretty soon realize is that you’re not really in a relationship at all. All that’s really happened is that you’ve managed to adapt a gargantuan needy child.

What you want from someone you love is for them to not just love but respect you. And in fact no one can really love you if they don’t respect you. And the only way anyone—any woman in whom you’re interested, I mean—will ever respect you is if they understand that in some real and enduring sense you don’t need them. That you want them, yes. That you choose them, yes. But that you need them? No. That they will flee from. For anyone who’s worth having, needy is the ultimate in anti-aphrodisiacs.

Ball up, my friend! Take your hit, suffer for a while, and learn something so this doesn’t happen to you again. Namely, learn the hard truth informing the adage that we’ve all heard so often it’s much too easy to dismiss: The only person in this world who can make you happy is you.

Bottom line: You don’t need her. And until you know that, you can’t have her.

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  • Lori Olmstead Cipot via Facebook

    WOW ! Words of wisdom for EVERYONE!! We all need to hear this message and remember it and share it and embrace it. Thank you for speaking so clearly and reminding us that love starts with ourselves. Then we can go out and share it with the world!!

  • Mary June Rose via Facebook

    Yes, yes, and yes.

  • Worthington Long Enslow

    I find myself once again blown away by your insight, John. I will share this brilliant piece, as I have so many others of yours.

  • slp

    You got it just right, John. I experienced this myself with a boyfriend who told me he LOVED me after two weeks of dating. I was also young and afraid of conflict so I cheated on him as a way to break up with him. He was smothering me with affection, and I told him the same thing: I need space!

    Funny thing is that we became friends a while after that. I realized that he was a great guy and we eventually got back together and are now married!

    The letter writer should back off, find his own interests/life, and then she may miss him and come back to him.

  • Hello John,

    First off, I love your insight into the mind of a woman and second, you are right on the mark. Women do not want to be corralled into a corner and forced into the mundane actions of a relationship, especially in 2012. The statistic for woman staying single or unmarried is constantly rising. Women are learning more about all aspects of themselves and their surroundings; they are striving for more opportunity instead of letting it pass by. Women want independence, I think that is apparent in why the girlfriend left. I want to point out a sentence in the first paragraph from the letter you received, “We have had no fights, no disagreements, no infidelity. Just all of a sudden, it is over.” My jaw dropped. Right there you know why the girlfriend left. ‘No infidelity’ that is a good thing but I want to focus more on the ‘no fights and no disagreements’. Honestly, a couple must fight, they must have disagreements. A relationship will never, ever be 100% agreement and if it is someone is being dishonest. I’m not saying a couple should fight every day. However, a couple needs to fight in order to make up, in order to come to a conclusion about the situation or the other person whether that be stay together or separate. As long as the two parties are honest with themselves and each other, disagreement and discussion feeds clarification. I hope this man takes your advice a little self-discipline from a loved one goes a long, long way.

    Thank you for your blog.

  • John is so right. It sounds like the letter writer got lost in the relationship, trying to make it right, beautiful, perfect, lasting, yet forgot that relationships involve two people with different personalities, likes, dislikes, etc. When we lose ourselves in the relationship, we stop to think about who we are, or who they are.

    All relationships need space, time apart to allow each of us to be just who we are. All relationships also should expect and respect our individuality with allowances for each party to pursue individual interests.

    Then there is this, as a woman, I love being fawned over, back rubs, having dinner cooked for me, help around the house etc. But all the time? No. We women appreciate that our men are willing to help, and cater to our needs. However we also have no problems fixing dinner, taking a hot bath alone, surrounded by candles, listening to our choice of music, away from all people at the end of a tough work day. We like lunch with our friends, reading a book while our guys yell at the refs at the ballgame on tv. We have no qualms with letting you mow the yard, while we mop floors, or vice versa, if we are the outsidesee type of gal.

    We do not like people hovering over us . Ok, at times we do, basking in the attention. But all the time? Everyday? Hell no! We can perceive the continued, constant attention as being considered fragile and helpless by the other. Which we are not. It can bother us greatly, especially if we are an independent spirits to begin with, or are introverts who need those essential “no people” breaks from time to time. AND the constant attention can send a message that our partner is weak and needy, like a child who is trying just a bit too hard to please.

    Women like and want companionship, respect for our unique personas, someone we can trust, someone we know, will try to help us out and care for us as we need, just as we try to do for our partners.

    My spouse would spoil me rotten if I let him. I wouldn’t have to lift a finger if I chose. BUT what an unhealthy union that would be.

  • anonymous

    Thanks for the responses…can learn a lot

  • textjunkie

    yeah, 5 years with no fights or disagreements is not healthy. Someone was bottling up something…

  • jesse

    This is one of the best things i have ever read:

    “Because loving someone is really close to loving them too much.”

    If i knew the letter writer (*cough cough*) and thought that they might be reading this (*cough cough*), i would say that that little sentence right there sums up everything i needed to say on the phone but couldn’t wrap my brain around.

  • You’re her!

  • jesse

    Nope! i am the dude who directed the letter writer to contact you and your awesome fanbase. i’m also one of his only guy friends who didn’t automatically assume the girl in question was having an affair (mainly because i know her).

    P.S. English is actually his first and only language (well, unless you count Texan). And yes, he has a big ole brainpain.

  • Jeremy

    I hate this. I don’t disagree with what John said. It just seems like a high price to pay for a guy who was guilty of nothing more than working his ass off trying to make the woman he loves happy.

    As a guy it’s very confusing. You always hear about how women want to be appreciated, how much they love it when guys open doors for them, help around the house, ask them about their day, etc. And then suddenly it’s too much and you’ve lost them. It feels a bit like you’re damned if you, damned if you don’t.

    What makes it even more a kick in the teeth is when you see really nice women stay forever with abusive guys while the good guys get squashed like a grape for trying too hard.

    I’m not the one who wrote the letter, but I can understand where he’s confused and frustrated. If only we all had John’s great wisdom. 🙂

  • Absolutely true!!!!!

  • I actually really like the kind of exasperated honesty with which you here express yourself.

    But … really? So, one thought: read, over and over again, your statement “Women want you to help them around the house.” Stay with it until you hear something inside of you pop.

  • Charles Austin Miller via Facebook

    It means she wants to go shopping.

  • REALLY? So … he actually MEANT to say, “I listen to her vent about her day and I interact with her conversations? That is just off-the-charts interesting. Who says that? Seriously: how Data is that?

    Man. You know, for a while I thought I was going to focus my whole response on just that phrase: you could unpack that thing for days.

    Anyway, thanks for sending your friend my/our way.

  • Pat Hux via Facebook

    If you love something, let it go.

  • jesse

    He can be pretty shy but i’d love for him to explain a bit more how his brainpan works. i’ll see if i can coax him into interacting with this conversation. 😉

  • jesse

    And yeah, totally Data-esque. Then again, Brent Spiner is from Houston, too, so maybe there’s some sort of cosmic connection going on.

  • vj

    I’m guessing he was trying to convey that when she talks to him about stuff, he actually tries to listen and engage and have a 2-way conversation, instead of just pretending to listen? You know, in an [inter]active rather than passive way… Sometimes when one is trying to convey meaning in a concise but elegant way, phrases just come out like that 😉

  • Jill H

    It’s official. If I ever grow up, I want to be as wise as John.

  • David S

    Sylvie – I think what you are saying is right, and I think it is true for both sexes.

    I think that relationships usually work best when we bring our whole messy selves to them. I’ve heard it expressed this way: Our goal should not be a 50/50 relationship, it should be 100/100. The whole, evasive trick is reaching some sort of homeostasis. Knowing when to share and when to listen. Knowing how to express anger and how to accept responsibility. Knowing when to be intimate and when to back off. It truly is a dance.

    Not everybody needs space – I have two couples in my life that live and work together; they are pretty much inseparable. That would never work for my husband and me… I adore him, but the result of that much together time would probably involve police tape and possibly chalk.

  • Jeremy

    Yeah, that was a bad choice of words. It’s a shared responsiblity. In the home I grew up in my mom did most of the work and always asked for more “help around the house”. Bad attempt at paraphrasing what the letter writer said he did to try to make the relationship a good one.

    Look, you’ve got a lot of really brilliant commenters on this site. I’m not one of them. I’ll just step out now and let the smart people talk.

  • When I first read this, I wanted to ask if the guy has an available twin. 😛 My husband does not respect me, thanks to his being raised by an NPD father and a mother who just takes it. (Yes, I married my mother, basically. It sucks, but at least I understand it now.) We are together for convenience right now and are helping each other through. Staying is all I can do at the moment due to my own emotional issues and my career goals.

    Then I thought some more about this letter and the journey that I’ve taken over the past year or so. I’ve decided that I am an artist, and that I’ve always been one. That I have been indoctrinated to think so poorly of myself that I am unworthy of any wishes or wants at all, whether they be deep or fleeting. This is what I am working on, actually learning to honor myself. My husband does want the best for both of us, but his default is asshole. He is really trying, though, I have to give him credit. He listens when I explain and he tries to work it out in his head why asshole is wrong and what he should have said/done.

    Anyway, I, like most artists, have discovered that I am highly sensitive to *everything*. Well, I always knew that, but now I am going with it instead of telling myself that I am delusional and wrong. I can smell dog poop down the street. I can hear him snoring on the other side of the house. This brings me to my point. I need space. LOTS of it. I need a bedroom to myself, and cannot sleep with another person. Ideally I’d want my own wing of the house. This is all stuff I have discovered in the past year since I started learning to honor myself, thank you, God and Jesus Christ.

    So maybe your girlfriend is on a similar journey. If this is the case, she will be a butterfly when she emerges from her cocoon. Let her become that butterfly, it is what God intended her to be. And at that point, if she wants to try again, you will need to know whether you, yourself, want to be with a butterfly, or whether you’d rather be with a moth, grasshopper, or fly.

  • M

    John’s advice is great.

    I want to add that it isn’t amazingly good of a person in a relationship to use good manners and do their share of housework. That’s the minimum standard for healthy people who live together, regardless of the relationship.

    It sort of seemed that this guy was trying to fill a role, instead of being himself. People who do that also seem to try to wedge other people into roles, which can feel smothering.

  • anonymous

    Thanks for all of the responses. Just to clarify…English is my first (and only) language….I apologize for my lack of proper wording. I am an artist and my brain works differently when it comes to words.

    I will listen to your wisdom and try to work on it. I did push myself, and my life on her…until it pushed her away. I did not know how to handle these kind of feelings…so strong that it shook me inside. I guess part of me always thought she felt the same way.

    I do know communication was one of the main problems…but I did not know she was not communicating until it was too late. Or maybe I just didn’t understand her form of communication?

    We talked all the time. About how we felt, about our other relationships and what happened in them. About our likes and dislikes. I always thought it was strange that we never fought (not physical)….but any time either one of us disagreed…we sat and talked it out until we came to a conclusion (so I thought) (I am a little stubborn, but never have a problem openly admitting I am wrong or trying my best to see the other persons side)

    Interacting with her conversations: I have seen so many guys sit there “listening” to their partner, I am guilty of it as well with past partners…but 5 minutes later, ask them what was being talked about and they look dumbfounded. I actually enjoyed listening to her talk…I was truely interested in what she had to say (which was new and weird to me). You ask me today what we talked about 2 weeks ago…and I could tell you.

    So many people sit and listen and nod their head like a “bobble” toy. I would ask questions about the topic, I would give opinions….I interacted! Not forced….but actually enjoyed. It was like talking to a great friend. And she did the same with me.

    Little did I know, there was and still is supposedly, a lot she is not telling me.

    Being ourselves: Maybe we had too much in common. I never lost myself or my interest. I am an artist, I paint, sketch, write music, carve leather and create things. She is an artist, she paints, sketches, sings and creates things.

    We both enjoy the outdoors and photography. We love most of the same movies. We like the same foods.

    But we do have our differences as well. I like military movies and documentaries, she likes love stories and disney. I listen to odd music and sometimes Rap…she likes folk music and disney songs (anything she can sign along to). Recently I got into guns and shooting at the range…I love it, but it was not something she liked at all. When she told me how much it bother her…I stopped.

    A couple of weeks ago, I did learn about a BIG difference with us. During one of our sessions, it came out about being alone. One of my biggest fears in life is to be alone, to live alone, to die alone. I crave companionship. I look forward to coming home everyday and having someone there to talk to or just know they are there. The times of my life when I lived alone, were my darkest times. No motivation, deep depression, no want to go talk and hangout with people. I had not painted in over 7 years, when we got together, she was my Muse. I have painted over 30 paintings and started sketching again all the time.

    And it is not so much having to be right there with the person every minute of everyday…it is just knowing they are in your life. That is a very comforting feeling for me. She could be upstairs with the door closed or out with the girls for the night…but I knew she was “there”.

    She on the other hand stated that she is perfectly happy being alone. Has no fear of living alone, dieing alone. She can come home to an “empty” house and be calm and comfortable. I never knew that about her.

    After several failed relationships, some longer than this one, to be so happy was unbelievable. And I can see now that I smothered her and crowded her. I was so happy that I just kept pushing. Looking back through past relationships, my need for companionship causes me to make choices that are not good for me…but they fill that “void”. This was not the first time we were together…kinda. We meet over 13 years ago and we had a spark for each other right then. I feel in love. As cheesy as it might sound, I knew…right when I met her, I knew she was my soulmate. Even my friends can tell you, they saw how immediatly smitten I was. But things did not let us get together completely at that time…she got scared and pushed me away… I ended up in a relationship with someone else who loved me and charished me for over 7 years…but for me it was just filling the void of loneliness. I had every chance to do all the things I wanted out of a relationship…get married, start a family..etc. but I knew she was not the one. That ended badly and once again I feel into depression..until my Lady X stalked me….literally stalked me! I started getting messages on an art forum from an unknown that had a great interest in me…finally she revealed herself after getting banded from the sight for “stalking” and it was like a million sparkles of light hitting me at once….lighting my life like never before.

    I guess the hardest part of this for me right now is knowing that…that kind of love is a once in a lifetime love…and I squeezed so hard to keep it, that I lost it forever. I have no plans of trying to find that again (I don’t think it exsist but once for everyone)…I will fall into my usual pattern and find someone to fill that void. Being marginally happy…or at least ok with things is better than living alone and thinking about what you lost.

    Thank you for all of the responses…. I see my faults. Loving too much is TOO MUCH!

    But a question: When you love someone with every fiber of your heart and soul, how do you learn to love them LESS as to not lose them?

  • I salute you for being able to be the artist you are. It seems to me, though, that you do not believe in yourself. You believe in her, that her powers are what makes you able to be successful and loved and whole.

    I think this is the problem. You say that you will be marginally happy living alone. That’s not right at all!!!

    Codependency is when people live for each other instead of themselves. Don’t do that. It feels right, but such behavior will hurt yourself and others very deeply in the end. I recommend the book “Codependent No More”. It helped me a lot. http://www.amazon.com/Codependent-No-More-Controlling-Yourself/dp/0894864025

  • anonymous

    maybe I was trying to fill a role….didn’t feel like it. Many times I did feel guilty.

    My job offered me the chance to sit at a computer for at least half of my day. Her job required her to be on her feet and deal with mean customers everyday. I liked rubbing her feet everynight. I liked doing more around the house and helping her out however I could, because I would see people take advantage of her..and her being too shy and not wanting conflict..she would let it happen. I felt like she deserved more and better…so I tried to give it to her.

  • anonymous

    I do understand codependency. And I do realize I am codependent. I am not happy living alone….I fill the void of loneliness by getting into relationships that I know will never go far…but at least I have someone in my life. It is not fair to them and it is not fair to myself. But fear can be very powerful.

  • Just take one step at a time, brother. One step out of old habits at a time. Ask God to guide you and grab your hand when you fall. You’ll be amazed at how your world will change.

    Your girlfriend has given you the most loving, greatest gift by separating from you at this point. Eventually you will come to understand that. 🙂

    If someone were to tell me about my life and mindset now even three years ago, I would have told them they were writing science fiction.

  • anonymous

    Thanks Jeremy…you can see how I am feeling. All my life my mom would tell me how I am supposed to treat a woman. The mushy love stories girls always seem to like show you that “perfect gentleman”…I guess I just took it to the extreme.

    I don’t understand why women say they want a “good man” but push them away for the “bad boys”

  • anonymous

    I have always had a believe in God. I make my silent prayers almost everyday. Last night was extremely difficult and I sat up in the middle of the night and started praying…I asked God for direction for the first time in 2 decades and for once in my life it felt like I got an answer. I was told to go to her and wrap her in my arms. Now I feel even more confused…since all she wants is for me to leave her alone.

    Was it really God telling me or was it just my inner self wanting to be with her?

  • Chris

    I’d like to hear his response (and hers for that matter) on John’s response.

    I’ve been in this situation before, and it wasn’t fun, and thankfully my wife and I have never had this separation, I think because we started out long distance. But we learn and we evolve, and both of them are going to be better people from the experience.

  • Chris

    Maybe the situation is more complex than both you and John think. People are very complex and have a lot of varying reasons for their behavior. Of course, we won’t know what’s going through her mind until she’s ready to say.

  • Chris

    There’s a time to every purpose under heaven. Maybe it was time to let go, but likewise there will be a time to embrace again. I hope you two can work out this situation in time; if not, then you’ll both have learned something from it all.

  • Chris

    Why am I so awful curious to hear her side of the story? There are always two sides to every story; hearing her perspective would shed quite a bit of light on the whole mess.

  • jesse

    “Was it really God telling me or was it just my inner self wanting to be with her?”

    i feel it is a little of both. You can “wrap her in your arms” without doing so in a physical manner. You can wrap her in the arms of prayer, of love, of a genuine desire for her to be truly happy in her life, even if it’s not with you.

    As she said, let her go and hope she comes back. Build your own life, surround yourself with your friends and family, go to the range to let off steam, continue creating your amazing artwork, and know that you ARE a good person. You have already taken a big step forward by recognising that it was too much. The best thing you can do is not make the same mistake again.

    Oh, and never “settle” when it comes to matters of the heart. You’ll only do yourself and your partner a grave disservice. You both deserve so much better than that.


  • Chris

    What Jesse said…

  • mike moore

    I think you’ve nailed it.

  • Elsa

    I am a “nice” person, always treat a boyfriend or partner well etc., and one of the biggest shocks I’ve ever had was the day I understood that being nice was not what made me attractive to a guy, nor what would keep them with me.

    For awhile if freaked me out, and I wondered what hope there was for me, and how I could ever “keep” a guy in my life, if it wasn’t by treating him well. Or at least how I could ever keep a guy that I wanted, in my life.

    Then I talked to an old friend, who said, “Are you kidding? I did not fall in love with you all those years ago because you were NICE! I did not keep coming back day after day because you were NICE, I didn’t love you all of those years because you were NICE. Lots of people are NICE.” The idea being that it is who you ARE that attracts people. Of course, treating them well is expected, it should be a given, absolutely, but that is not what is attractive, or it is not the whole thing. What is the whole thing, is a mystery, not something you can bottle or prescribe.

    If you want to know why women stay so long with abusive men, it’s because they weave a sticky web. John wrote an ebook about it – you can find it on this page somewhere.

  • Mary June Rose via Facebook

    IMO, clearly she’s an introvert (I am one, too). Alone is a nice word to us. I think he should google the “distancer/pursuer relationship” and read about it. He can see that what happened isn’t all that unusual, and it is somewhat logical when you can remove yourself from it and look at it from the outside in.

  • anonymous

    I agree…and I would love to hear her side. Even if it meant more hurt for me…I want her to let it out and talk. She has said that these feelings keep coming back with every relationship she has every had…after 3-5 years…she feels trapped and smothered and just runs. She runs away from it until it just “goes away” (her words). I know and she knows, that she needs help to figure this out. But she is not motivated to get help by herself and refuses help from anyone else.

  • Jesse is right on. Send her love and light in your thoughts, and focus on yourself right now.

  • anonymous

    When she told me to let her go and hope she comes back…it was in part to a reference of that last time she pushed me away…she said “see, I found you again”… but now after living together in a much more intimate way..and knowing that she has a tendency to stray after a few years…do I really want to put myself through that again….to possibly be left again? Part of me is screaming…just wait for her and she will come back to you…The other part of me is saying yeah..but for how long before she hurts you again.

    In my 20s and 30s being single sucked….now in my 40s..being single is scary …..

  • Graham Ward via Facebook

    And surely it’s not just a girl thing? When I say “I need space” I mean “I need space”. I don’t mean “I don’t love you” or “I’m seeing someone else”, I just mean that I need to have time to be myself, in my own company. I agree with Mary June. It screams introvert to me too (it takes one to know one…).
    There may also be issues from past relationships. I sometimes find it very hard to accept that I am worthy of another’s love – when previous relationships have left me finding it hard enough to love myself.
    A confessed fear of conflict also rings true – no fights? no disagreements? In five years? Is that true love, or simply evidence that one or both parties is willing to do anything to avoid an argument?

  • You seem like a lost soul or more of a searching soul. Depending on her and using her as your muse only forced you to live in a place where you would not be able to survive without her. By her stepping back for a little bit gives you the opportunity to find you. Women are happy when their man wants them and doesn’t need them. So, allow her to see that you want her but don’t need her. Allow her to see you alone and still able to find happiness. Don’t rush off to another relationship to fill the void, as you said. Allow her to see that you both can live independently and also (if the time comes) live happily together. Discover a new muse not in a woman but in yourself.

  • I usually mean: I need another wardrobe for my clothes

  • Anonymous2

    Anonymous… I feel for you. I am in a very similar situation but alas, I am on the other side of the situation. I am the “muse” to my man, my love, my artist. But his feelings of loving me are too much. Too intense. I feel that we are connected but it has turned into an unhealthy connection. If I am not “on” and giving him full attention, he sinks into depression.

    I am digging the fact that you are reaching out to God for guidance. I’m building a better relationship with God myself these days.

    Now… what I really want to convey is the notion of a 12-step based program called Celebrate Recovery. It is designed for us Christians that can use a bit of help breaking our old hurts & habits. It is not strictly about alcohol or drug abuse… but about recognizing the aspects of ourselves that are making our lives difficult and unmanageable.

    Being a part of CR helps me see how what I do affects those around me.

    It will help you answer your own question”When you love someone with every fiber of your heart and soul, how do you learn to love them LESS as to not lose them?”

    Just my take… your reaching out & discussing this will do wonders for your future healing.

    God bless.

  • My husband has what he likes to call a “higher than usual tolerance for being alone.” In other words, he needs his down time. So do I.

    For all the ‘friends’ who are trying to read something into her statement that she needs her space, tell them to STFU. Expect that your partner is being honest with you when she says this, and know that she means exactly what she says. Every person is different and many people are driven by needs they often don’t understand. You mention below that you don’t understand codependency but that you acknowledge that you are codependent.

    In short, codependency means that you feel responsible for the well being and happiness of another person to the exclusion of your own needs. Granted that a letter cannot convey the daily reality of a relationship, but it sounds to me as if you are heavily invested in making your partner happy. There’s nothing wrong with doing something nice for your partner, for being a listener and an active sharer of household duties. But what is your motivation for doing those things? If you ask many codependents how they feel about being left by their ex, they often respond “But I did so much for you!! I gave you everything! How dare you stop loving me!” If the motivation to give is the desire to create a sense of indebtedness in your partner, you are missing something vital.

    No relationship is guaranteed to last forever. You can do all the “right” things and still have someone fall out of love with you. People are ever-changing, ever growing. Life circumstances, beliefs, wants, needs — all of these things are a work in progress. Sometimes leaving a relationship doesn’t mean that it wasn’t a good relationship – but that the person needs something different.

    I love my husband. I’d grieve terribly if he decided to leave me. But if he left, that would be his decision to make and I would have to let him make it, and pick up the pieces and move on, however long or painful that process may be. If he left and then came back, I would have a choice as to whether I wanted to open myself up to being hurt again — as you have outlined in your responses to comments here. Know that *any* relationship carries with it the power to cause you pain. That is part of the beauty of having any relationship. It feels wonderful, but it is not guaranteed.

    I am sorry that you are hurting so much. There’s nothing wrong with hurting, with grieving, with wondering what might have gone differently. I would suggest that rather than concentrate on what she is thinking or needing, you follow John’s advice and start concentrating on you and what you think/feel/need. You are a whole person, you don’t need to have a partner or a wife in order to be validated in your existence.

    I highly recomment “How to be an Adult in Relationships” by David Richo. I read that book after my divorce, and it helped me understand a lot more about what constitutes a healthy adult relationship, and to understand the needs that often drive unhealthy behavior. He offers some practical exercises you can undertake to begin the process of thinking about yourself in a more healthy way.

    Best wishes to you, letter writer. You will make it through this, whether your partner comes back or not. Concentrate on yourself for now and let her journey be her own. If nothing else, you are giving her the respect she deserves as an adult to make her own decisions.

  • Diana A.

    “Murder, oh yes, but divorce, never!”?

  • Jill H

    It’s all about priorities. 😉

  • jesse

    Tiny clarification:

    “I do understand codependency. And I do realize I am codependent. ”

    He does understand it and knows that he is a codependent person.

  • jesse

    Thank you SO MUCH to everyone who took the time to read, weigh in, and interact with this conversation (*winks to John*). There is only so much that a friend can offer in the way of insight and advice. Sometimes it’s best to have some outside perspective from folks who do not have pre-existing knowledge of the situation and people involved and might therefore be a bit biased, however unintentionally.

    This is truly one of the best gatherings of people i know of and i have read some incredibly sound and witty advice here for a long, long time. i knew this would be the best place to refer the letter writer and you guys did not let me down.

    God bless you all!

    – jesse

  • She doesn’t need help. She doesn’t need to “figure this out.” She’s not broken and she doesn’t need to be fixed. She’s an introvert who wants to be alone. Leave her alone.

    She needs to build her own life. She shouldn’t attempt to build a relationship with anyone else until she can be happy, sufficient and satisfied on her own–to know, believe, and accept that she owns her life and no one else has a claim to it.

    She’s probably thinking she’s supposed to be this paragon of loving, supportive wife and therefore has completely pushed her own wants and dreams away. You can’t do that forever without becoming a broken person or just exploding with the need to be free from the responsibility of making sure the other person’s needs are met.

    Stop pushing her to explain herself. Are you still doing that? Stop it! That only makes it worse…your NEED to have an explanation is a terrible burden to her. She can’t put it into words, she only knows how she feels. Get over it.

    LET HER GO. Don’t call her. Don’t need her. Get on with your own life.

  • Chris

    No need to be angry, Nicole; I think he gets it now. I was personally just curious what the other side would have to say, as it’s hard to judge the whole story without hearing from both parties. Doesn’t necessarily mean she should, especially if she has no desire to.

    I’m pretty sure she’ll at least give him some closure on her own time; no one logically just walks out after five years, not unless the relationship was a nightmare.

  • Chris

    You, too, Jesse. I’m sure you’ll give the man a hand, a drink (soda if he doesn’t like alcohol), and plenty of games and/or terrible movies to riff.

  • It’s hard to judge since we only have a small glimpse of what the other party’s perspective is. But when she decides to answer, I’m sure she’ll give him either the explanation or closure he needs; one does not simply walk out of a five year relationship without a logical, rational purpose.

  • Don Rappe

    Truly John, you ARE Dear Abby of the 21’st. Probably some sort of copyright infringement. And dear Mr. Anonymous, you have clearly stated yourself that which you must do. Learn to be (live) alone. Until you can do this, you are not a good partner to anyone. Now, you have another wonderful opportunity to do this. Do not USE another person as your muse.

  • Man, don’t I know it.

  • Martha J

    This is so true. I was in a never-fight 21 year marriage to a truly good guy and father to our kids, BUT nice nice nice (both of us) and no passion. I’ll say for me I wanted to please and didn’t know myself. I surprised the hell out of the poor guy by up and saying I was leaving. I made up reasons cause at the time I didn’t know why. I went right into a relationship with a more passionate person. but took my caretaker role with me. Nine years later that was over. It’s been ten years alone now. It’s taken me that long to know and love me. I am so happy with me! I’d like someone to share some life with, but I’ll enjoy my life and the wonderful people in it, even if that person doesn’t arrive. Hope Anonymous learns how lovable he is and enjoys that guy tremendously.

  • David S

    In the word (singular) of an extraordinarily wise writer/author/ blogger guy…HAR.

  • boy jesse

    Thank you, Chris!

    Sadly, we no longer live in the same city but we have both recently re-connected and i plan to be far more ‘visible’ now.

  • What this makes me think is: What I want in a partner is not the same as what I want in a well-trained dog.

    That is, I want someone who wants to please me… but is not desperate to please me.

  • roger flyer

    Never dreamed I would be quoting from Sting, but here goes.

    “Free, free set them free. Free, free, set them free.”

    (With apologies to all my songwriting heroes.)

  • Allie

    As a woman I think it’s a safe bet “I need space” means she’s having an affair. Her refusal to give any reasons for her conduct clinches it. Why would she tell you the truth?

    Maybe it means “I’m not having an affair but I want to.”

    Maybe it means “I’m not having an affair and there’s no one out there but you are so boring in the sack that I cry my eyes out thinking of when sex used to be good.”

    The one GUARANTEE is that when a woman says she isn’t telling you something in order to spare your feelings, you can trust that whatever it is would hurt your feelings. Why do that to yourself?

    I’m very sorry this happened to you, and it sucks that there were no warning signs. But not everything is something you can fix. It really, really hurts to know that even if you knew exactly what she wanted you could never be the one to give it to her, but I think you’re going to have to accept that.

  • Allie

    I think it’s important to remember that she never said if you loved her less you wouldn’t lose her. That’s people here saying that, that’s not her words. You may love her less, more, or just enough, and still lose her, because there are no guarantees she wants to be with you.

  • otter

    Maybe she’s trying to figure out what to do with the feelings she has for women???

    Just sayin’ . Plenty of women have gone this route before..

  • “She told me that she feels smothered and trapped…and that she needs space.

    “What exactly does it mean when a woman says she ‘needs space’?”

    What does it mean when somebody says, “You’re standing on my foot — get off!”?

  • My apologies. I ran in here with only time to read a few comments and hadn’t read down further.

    My post was a gut reaction because I have been in that position. The LW asked what she meant and then in his post seemed to be pressing her for an explanation that would make sense to him. From my own experience, I can honestly say that an introvert who avoids conflict will eventually simply have to get away. It is an avoidance of telling the other person the truth (which will probably cause pain and we’re not allowed to cause pain unless we’re a bad person) and a need to just be still, quiet, unresponsible and free from it all. It’s actually kind of a break down. Instead of fight, it’s flight.

    Again, sorry for my tone…I just totally identify with the LW’s wife. I know he loves her and is simply at a loss.

  • Yes, what Jesse said! Definitely start going to the range again and find some fun activities. Join up with a theater group if you have the slightest interest. They need talented artists for set design and construction–I bet you’d have fun and meet some cool people. Your house doesn’t need to be a lonely trap–let it be where you eat and sleep and take off on adventures from. Get out there, young man. 🙂

  • I know exactly where you’re coming from, Nicole.

    One of the things I am working on is that it’s okay to “hurt” people when you are standing up for your own rights. If you do not, you are basically living the fact that it’s okay for you to be hurt, but not okay for anyone else to be hurt. You are sacrificing your own needs for everyone else’s.

    Face it, some people will be hurt no matter what we do in life. We must not let that stop us from treating ourselves well.

  • Luke

    Martha J, you just said I/me/my/myself/I’d 18 times in that paragraph. So to put it a little differently, you abandoned your marriage for your own selfish ends. You put your family through that for what, so you could “find yourself”? You threw your husband away like a dress that has gone out of style, so that you could indulge your own narcissism. There are words for that and none of them are nice. You weren’t even honest with him. You never even gave him a chance to take that journey with you. Didn’t you know that journey is what marriage is all about? Do you have a son? What lesson did you teach him? Why should anyone take the chance on sharing their life with you, loving you, being vulnerable to you, just so you can maybe throw them away too? You cannot expect loyalty when you are disloyal. Maybe you need to be a little less happy with yourself, because the only way that you could “share some life” with someone honestly would be to come to a point where you confess and repent; tell your new partner that you treated your exes miserably and you will do your best not to do it again. Otherwise, do all the guys a favor and stay alone.

    Sorry to be so harsh, and please, please don’t take it personally: I’m just being blunt in order to make a point. Men should not exploit women and women shouldn’t exploit men. It isn’t easy to be a stand-up guy in this day and age.

  • Jill H

    This is me being blunt Luke when I ask: is this judgmental, over-dramatized tirade meant to be taken seriously?

    I didn’t bother counting how many accusatory “you” comments made here. One too many.

  • Luke

    Well, yes, it was. Did I say something that wasn’t true? It was meant to counter the under-dramatized dismissal of a 21-year marriage. I’m trying to give a bit of an opposing viewpoint here. I understand where John is coming from, but nobody is talking about commitment or loyalty, and there seems rather a lot of self-indulgence. Maybe these relationships are failing because someone is giving them permission to fail, because someone is just giving up. And that is sad.

    What Martha did, as she described, was wrong. What the guy’s girlfriend did was wrong, unless maybe he just missed all her attempts to work with him. You’d think it wrong if someone did it to you. It fails even the simplest ethical test.

    As far as being judgmental, I’ll try to clarify: though I doubt either you or Martha will believe it I am not judging Martha, only what she wrote. I do not know her and I am sure that she is a more complex woman than she presents in that paragraph. Too, I am sure you could come up with a better way of pointing out the lack of expressed empathy in some other fashion, but that was the best I could do.

  • Luke

    You know, reading it again, you are right, Jill. I was too personal with it.

    I really am sorry Martha, I didn’t mean to be that hurtful.

  • Tis very true. Thank you. 🙂

  • Laura

    Ok…five years in a relationship that you say has been wonderful. If it has been so wonderful, why haven’t you got married? As a woman who has been in one of these five year relationships before, I have to tell you that five years is too long to spend “deciding.” If you don’t know after a year then it might not be as good as you think. Passion, excitement, the newness of exploration all fade a bit in every relationship. My hubby and I got married after 6 months, ten years ago. Our relationship has normal ups and downs, and I love him and I would hate to live without him…but I would if I had to. The thing is, we both knew (about a month into dating), that we were the ones for each other. We wanted to commit to each other, to being a team…to having babies…and to growing old together. Ten years on, the honeymoon is over, but the love and commitment and sexual passion is still there. There is a sort of dance that we do, sometimes apart and sometimes together, toward a common future. Any space I need I get in my art studio, and him in his music studio….but always we sleep in the same bed in our house, with our children snoring in near by rooms….FIVE YEARS is too long to decide…

  • Luke

    Lots of good advice. Let me add this: your story is a good example of why “Soul-mate” is a horribly destructive concept, even or especially the Christian person-God-meant-just-for-me version. Whoever told you that there is only one person out there for you and love is once-in-a-lifetime chance was totally full of crap. I know you are an artist, but you shouldn’t be a character in some cheap melodrama.

    I know people in arranged marriages who are happy with the arrangement. There is something to be said for it. It might be better to start with a friend and build love from that, and not the sappy Hollywood / romance-novel type, but the deep abiding love for the other person as they are. That an act of will and a labor of a lifetime. You absolutely should avoid the million-sparkles-of-light thing. That is infatuation, it isn’t healthy, and it never lasts.

    (As an aside, I was totally smitten with my first love in high-school, melodrama at all. She was a good friend and confidant, but she wasn’t really interested enough to keep it going long distance. We exchanged a couple letters as friends, but not in the last 20 years. Looking back, it was for the best. We were far too immature.

    I actually did experience love at first sight once, sort of. I met this woman at a casual social event and well, wow! That’s the only time I ever saw her. I remember her face, but not her name. For all I know she was a lesbian — I’ve never been able to spot one.

    My wife and I have different recollections of when we met, a couple months apart.)

    As far as your flown butterfly, it is probably best to let her go forever and move on. Let yourself be a little angry, it will be good for you, but forgive her too. I don’t think you should get back with her unless you are both willing to commit to communicating, working out your issues together, sticking together no matter what, and allowing each person to be fully themselves.

  • Ann

    I don’t agree that five years is necessarily too long. I’ve been a part of many relationships (friendships, mentorships, romantic relationships) which seemed great at the start, but did not last. But, if any of them were going to fail, they failed in the first three years or so. If I’m going to commit to spending the rest of my life with someone, I think it’s a reasonable idea to wait a couple more years so you don’t find later that you were making a huge mistake. I think this is doubly true for young people who are still maturing in some sense, where the person who is right for the person they are now now may not be the person who is right for the person they are in five years.

  • Ann

    “But a question: When you love someone with every fiber of your heart and soul, how do you learn to love them LESS as to not lose them?”

    You…stop worrying about losing them? And stop thinking about losing them?

    I mean, for me, I love my boyfriend very much, but I am not dependent on him for anything. I have my own life and my own hobbies apart from him. I have my own friends and family, so I have love, support, and companionship apart from him. I have my own income, so I can support myself. I’ve lived by myself before and handled my own affairs, so I would not worry about finding shelter or running my life if he were to leave. So, if my boyfriend left, I would still miss him terribly and mourn the death of the relationship, but that would be the extent of the impact on me.

    In other words, I’m self-sufficient. Really. My boyfriend is also self-sufficient like that.

    I would not have it any other way. I know that since my boyfriend is not dependent on me for anything, the only reason he stays is that he loves me and enjoys my company. See? I never have to wonder whether he loves me back.

    This brings us to the whole goal of the exercise– for you and the other person to live the happiest life possible.

    Now, you, on the other hand. I feel like for you, the goal is to find someone, love them intensely, and then cling to this person for ever and ever. First, it was “How can I make sure that I’m doing everything possible for this person to love me (subtext: because if I do, they won’t leave me?)” Now it’s “How can I love someone less (subtext: because if I love them too much, they’ll leave me) but not love them too much less (subtext: because if I don’t love them enough, they’ll leave me?)”

    Just stop making whether the person will leave you or not the main focus of your efforts. That crosses the line from “love and affection” into “creepy and controlling.” It sounds like you have no concept of the idea of someone’s love stemming from the fact that they’re an independent person and love you back on your own merits, or, if you do, that you can’t stand the fact that it’s almost entirely out of your control. Instead, you’re all about trying to find a way to make their love dependent on your actions, by trying to suss out a set of behaviors that will make them love you so much they won’t leave you.

    Just stop it. Just get comfortable with the idea of letting them be who they want to be.

  • Ann

    It sounds to me like the girlfriend had some issues of her own. The fact that you and she never had a conflict in five years, then leaves suddenly by leaving a note (not a real-time confrontation) suggests to me that she doesn’t have a strong sense of herself, or how to stand up for herself. Maybe she got the feeling that the life she was living was at odds with who she felt she was or who she wanted to be. Whatever the case, and especially given how the LW describes his philosophy of love, which I would describe as “smothering and somewhat controlling,” leaving was absolutely the right thing to do. There was no way that she would ever develop in this way while in contact with the LW.

  • SugarMags

    I agree with Ann. Lots of marriages that started out great fail in three to five years. Laura is very blessed to have found someone to connect with and had it work out so wonderfully. But there are lots of life experiences to go through together that don’t happen in less than three years. You need to be around a person long enough to know that they are really, really, really right for you, and go through lots of various life situations together. You need to see how the other person responds to stress, to annoyances, to kids, to parents…I just don’t think you can learn enough about MOST people in less than three years to really fully know them. Now if you get someone who’s awesome, then yes…they will really still be the same person in 3-5 years as they were at 6 mos when you decided you were “right” for each other. But that’s not true of everyone. Lots of really jerky people can keep up a good front for 6 mos to a year. Speaking from experience here.

  • SugarMags

    Nicole, I think you’re mixing up two issues here, but I do understand what you’re saying. An introvert needs alone time to survive and to be happy. I know — I am one. Being around people for too much time, no matter how much I love them, sucks the life out of me. I have to recharge alone. But that’s not the same as wanting to avoid conflict. Conflict avoidance and the “I can’t cause pain because that would make me a bad person” are something I am also personally familiar with. But those are negative relationship patterns that anyone, introvert or extravert, can fall into because of a variety of past experiences and “family of origin” issues. To equate the two and say that “we” introverts are afraid of causing anyone pain is like trying to connect brown hair and the ability to dance.

    I agree that this woman needs to figure herself out, and has kept too much bottled up. But to assume she is therefore an introvert is a pretty big leap. Maybe she is, maybe not….it really doesn’t matter.

    If this was *just* introversion speaking, her “I need space” would make perfect sense. But she would do it in the context of maintaining the relationship. Something like, “I need to go shopping alone once a week and not worry what time I get back. Please don’t worry, I just need some time alone to recharge.” or “I love you, but I have to have some time to myself every day or I will implode.”

    This woman wrote a Dear John letter to the man she’s been with for five years, and told him to move out. That’s not introversion, that’s something very wrong.

  • anonymous

    5 years to me is a long time as well. I knew right away when we meet..she was the one I wanted to spend my life with and grow old together. She always said she wanted to marry me, but wanted to wait. She never gave me the impression that she didn’t want to marry me…but that 4-5 years was what she felt comfortable with. She had been married once before and it ended badly.

    For me, the passion never ended or got stale…and I can only speak about what she would tell me…that it was exciting for her as well. We were always trying new things and learning more about each other.

    I never had a clue to her being unhappy or “smothered”…. She would always smile and wrap her arms around me. If at any time she would have said she needed space to “breath” I would have gladly given it to her….But everything she showed to me was that she loved being loved.

    I had my own things that I went and did…my own interest. But we both agreed that it was much more enjoyable together. We liked sharing all of life’s experiences. Once again I can only say on her part, what she would tell me herself.

    Not having fights or arguments did seem strange from an outside point of view…but I never found anything to be mad about. And when she would bring up something she didn’t like (put my cloths in the hamper not on the floor) I would change that. Not get mad.

    We had a very passionate love life. Never boring or routine. And I paid very close attention to what she would want. And I would tell her want I wanted.

  • anonymous

    Thanks Nicole… “your house doesn’t need to be a lonely trap”… I was the one that had to move out. I have no home as of yet. This is also a huge financial hit to me. We decided years ago that we would live off of what I make and she would put hers into savings for us to have as a nest egg / start a small business with… Now I am left with nothing but my clothes and a few other articles, and having to bounce around from friends house to friends house until I can get back on my feet. I have joined up with a few local art groups. But it is hard since art was one of the main things we had in common.

  • Chris

    Glad to see you’re still posting on here. I hope this discussion is helping you. But yeah, keep us updated and let us know how all this turns out.

  • Ruthie

    Laura, I’m not trying to say that your way is wrong, but you saying five years is DEFINITELY too long is projecting your own standards onto everyone else and that’s not helpful. Five years might be too long for you but whether or not it’s too long for others depends ENTIRELY on the individual people in the relationship, and determining what the OTHER person thinks is too long or too short requires communication of those standards to each other so they can be taken into consideration and negotiated if necessary. I have been with my fiance for nine years and I am in no rush to actually get married and if he had never brought marriage up, I simply would not have cared. Thats just not a priority/value for me. There’s nothing wrong with it being yours, but there is no specific “timeline” for any kind of relationship; every single one needs to be worked out between the people in the relationship.

  • Ruthie

    It sounds to me like you are being a bit smothering, but it also sounds to me like she has trouble communicating that to you. I would take John’s advice and write her a letter or a card since that seems to be her preferred form of communication and explain that you were surprised and unsure what the problem was at first, that upon asking for advice you were told you were probably being too smothering and needy, and that you realize that now and want to respect her wishes and give her space. Keep it short; this is not the way to work out all of your problems and feelings, it’s just a way to let her know what your reactions are.

    I know if I asked a guy for space and he respected my wish, I would be much more inclined to work things out with him because he showed that he respected me enough to do what I asked.

    That’s just me, though, so it may not be the way she’d react, but it sounds like you’re a direct person communication-wise rather than an indirect-person, so you are inclined to take her words as exactly what they mean. If she is an indirect-communicator and you’re a direct communicator that’s a difficult problem to overcome because from your perspective she doesn’t tell you what she wants so you have to guess out of nowhere and from her perspective you are constantly rude and ignoring her and forcing her to be rude to you which makes her feel bad. It may be better, in that case, to find a partner whose communication style matches yours better.

    Good luck either way!

  • Jill J

    I don’t know, I lean with his guy friends, she’s wanting to try out greener pastures. She may not be in an affair, but I bet she’s certainly considering one. Women don’t just up and leave because they need more space. I think she’s probably gonna get out there, mess around and eventually come back to this guy if she can’t find something better. Sorry to be negative, just keepin it real.

  • Chris

    I just hope they’re able to reconnect sooner than later, whether to get back together or say a proper goodbye.

  • CZ Anonymous

    These responses are insane.

    I’m sorry this happened to you. Good luck – take care of yourself, and always try to be yourself. Don’t try to be like these people. You won’t succeed.

    And for the record, it’s natural to desire company or a companion. I believe most people would say they are happier when they are in a great relationship versus when they are not. That doesn’t mean you need it, and are some odd-ball, codependent, unhappy person. It means you are human. And it sounds like you are a good one, at that.

  • Silvia Wilson via Facebook

    Your butterfly experience is just right, John. Let go and accept ‘what is.’

  • Renae

    Even when I was married to my ex-husband, I always considered myself an independent woman. Right now, I am in my mid-forties, and I currently live with my boyfriend. He is a wonderful man. Anytime he sees me doing anything he can help with, he jumps right in. He makes my coffee in the morning and brings it to me, opens doors, always drives, etc. At first, I thought I had died and gone to Heaven, but lately it’s been very difficult for me because I feel as though I’ve lost my independence. I have been struggling with how to relay this to him because I don’t want to hurt his feelings, although I know that if I don’t, one day this will be unsalvageable. I try to be grateful, but it makes me feel as though he doesn’t think I can do things on my own. So when you think you are being sweet by doing what good boyfriends are “suppose” to do, you may be little by little stripping her of her independence. The song “Hold on Loosely” comes to mind.

  • Kaitlyn Murray

    I also disagree with Laura. My husband and I just got married 9 months ago, and we had been together over 4 years prior to that. We also had a lot of fantastic ups and some very severe downs in those 4 years. The really big downs would always seem to put a halt in our path to the altar. But you know what, we still got there, and it didn’t take “too long.” Every person, every couple, every relationship is unique. We are all called INDIVIDUALS for a reason. No two of us are the same, so it stands to reason that no two relationships are the same. I know couples that waited 10 years to get married. I even know couples that have been together over 20 years who never married at all. To each his/her own. There is not time limit on when one should or shouldn’t get married. There isn’t even a time limit on when you should “know” that the person you are with is destined to be your life partner. Some people, like you, know this within a matter of months, sometimes even weeks. Others can take years together before they realize what they have in each other.

    As for the author of the letter this entire post is based on, lie everyone else says, take what she says at face value. If she says she needs space, then she needs space. If she asks you to let her go, then you need to let her go. John is right, she couldn’t be any more clear. We women can be cryptic at times, this is true. I’ll admit to being guilty of it myself. But more often than not we really are just telling you like it is, plain and simple, no bull. And sometimes there is no “why.” Sometimes there is no reason. It could be that you’ve done nothing wrong and there is no reason other than that she grew apart from you. Every person is unique, and every relationship starts uniquely, lasts uniquely, and sadly at times, end uniquely.

  • Kaitlyn Murray

    In defense of myself (I won’t even presume to speak for all women) I can somewhat understand the female side of this issue. I’ve been in relationships before where it almost seemed as if my partner at the time was trying TOO hard, and it does leave you with a somewhat smothered feeling. I know it sounds unfair, and for that I’m truly sorry, but unfortunately it is true. My husband, however, seems to have found a balance. And that balance I’m sure is different for everyone, but I’ll give an example. My husband does hold doors for me (he actually gets exasperated if I don’t let him, ha ha), and pulls out chairs in restaurants. He takes care of me, but he doesn’t dote on me profusely. I take care of the house (not because I’m one of those unfortunate women who think they have to be submissive, but because I enjoy taking care of my family) and he works. Truth be told, he doesn’t help me around the house. And sometimes it’s frustrating, but it also makes me appreciate what he DOES do for me that much more.

    I know this all sounds like some really messed up logic. There are times I would love to wring my husband’s neck because I feel like he doesn’t do enough for me, and there are times where I couldn’t be more grateful for what he does do for me. And it kind of balances itself out. Now, I’m not saying treat a girl like crap half the time and like a queen the other half. I’m just saying that I can see where the woman is coming from, because I HAVE been smothered by TOO much doting.

    That being said, yes, I do also see where you, and he, are coming from. Looking at it from an outward angle does make it look like it’s pretty unfair to men. “Damned if you do and damned if you don’t.” I get it. And I’m sorry if this little ramble (which turned out much longer than I initially intended) leaves you even more confused about women. So really the best advice I have to offer is communicate. It’s more important than most people realize. If you can truly communicate with the woman you love, and the communicates honestly back, then you can gain a better understanding of her unique needs and wants, and adjust your behavior accordingly.

    Now I’m going to end this little ramble, because I think I’ve actually just made things more confusing. It made so much more sense in my head, before I typed it… 🙂

  • Shaun

    Space means just that take space and reanalize your relationship and come back together and speak about the issues you were having a strong relationship will make it better and you will have a great chance of reconciling if your still arguing then its time to walk .i had great success don’t think about what your partners faults were and really look at yourself . I am back with the love of my life it was the worst and best 2 weeks of my life and for our future .if you have to do months of NC move on

  • Matt

    Although there are numerous comments that have been extremely helpful in my present situation, Ruthie’s response was spot on. Thank you Ruthie.

    This is what really opened my eyes: “explain that you were surprised and unsure what the problem was at first, that upon asking for advice you were told you were probably being too smothering and needy, and that you realize that now and want to respect her wishes and give her space. Keep it short; this is not the way to work out all of your problems and feelings, it’s just a way to let her know what your reactions are.

    I know if I asked a guy for space and he respected my wish, I would be much more inclined to work things out with him because he showed that he respected me enough to do what I asked.”

    I have started a relationship with someone I’ve been talking to and seeing for about 2 months. We’ve been in a relationship only 3 weeks now but before we committed to each other we decided to take a trip to Montreal for 6 days (I had already planned my trip prior to meeting her – simply asked her to come along.

    When we returned I was told there would be a party she would be going to that her ex would be at and since it was being thrown by her best friend and things were new between us and the breakup fresh with the ex, it would probably be best that I do not attend this party. I shut down when I was told this information and instead of communicating what was on my mind I became silent for most of the night with a sad and miserable look on my face. This was not my intention but unfortunately was how I reacted. Since then she has been telling me that was too intense. On the Friday before the party (Saturday) I was asked to meet her parents on Sunday, which although I was nervous, I was ready because this girl means a lot to me. Even though it was soon and maybe people consider it a big step, I didn’t think of it this way. I asked what wine I should pick up and Saturday she suggested white of any kind and not to worry as she was sure I would pick a good wine. Sunday afternoon while I was covering a shift for a coworker during a stressful day I was told that she wasn’t feeling well and thought that it was too soon. She said she knew it was her idea but was nervous and hesitant about the whole situation and said sorry. When I called her to discuss this it seemed like something else was bothering her. I first asked if we were still hanging out regardless of the cancelled ‘meeting the parents’. I was told that she wasn’t in the mood. I stupidly pushed further and asked if the meeting her parents was the only thing she was unsure of.

    Please note I was told during the party that her ex did not show up and that I could breathe. Although I had been worried I told her that I had been breathing the whole time. She responded with “not worried at all, huh?”. I found that a bit childish but realized she was drunkish so tried not to read into it that much.

    During that conversation she had expressed that she jumped into a relationship too quickly and wasn’t sure if she was ready. She then began to say that she thinks she needs time/space and that we just need to take a step back. She is extremely open with me so I asked her if this means she wants us to see other people (I was trying to give her an out in the case that that is what she really wanted). She responded that no, she is not interested in other people and that she went through dating multiple people at the same time, which was fun, yet not what she wanted right now. It seems she has taken a step back and thinks she doesn’t know who I really am because this is all so fresh. I unfortunately went with my gut and called her back a few hours later because I was worried just to be answered with an annoyed tone of voice on the other end. Now that I’ve read a lot on the topic, I realize that was wrong and space is just what she needs.

    I’ve asked advice from friends and family and have gotten so many different responses.

    1. She has gotten back with her ex/slept with him/thinking she still has feelings about him and doesn’t know how to tell me either because she’s unsure and wants to be sure about this before she tells me or simply does not want to hurt my feelings.

    2. Regardless of her ex, she just wants a way out and is preparing you to be dumped.

    3. She just needs some space to decide what she wants and whether or not she is willing to work things out with me.

    As I step back, I realize that I was being clingy and trying too hard. I hope I haven’t pushed her away. I am willing to give her space and try to work through things and attempt to be less needy, clingy and smothering. Since this conversation there have been a few texts back and forth. Nothing about the relationship.


    – The dinner with her parents was Sunday. I was told on Friday that she misses me and messaged me during the party to ask how my night was going. Sunday at about 1pm I got the message that she was cancelling dinner.

    – She told me a week before that she thinks this is meant to be and that she is falling in love with me. She told me she felt vulnerable saying these things but that’s how she felt.

    – We have also expressed that we never got along with someone so well, that we’ve both never had such an incredible first date (she expressed this first), second, third, etc…

    – She also expressed that although she promised herself that she wouldn’t get into a relationship for a while because she spent a lot of her past in long term relationships, she wanted this because she couldn’t say no to someone that she got along with so well and felt it was meant to be.

    To make a point for myself – Yes. I write a lot. I apologize 😛

    I have some questions…but I’m writing them out here more for myself than to get an answer if that makes sense.

    1. How much time should I give her?

    2. At what point should I respect myself enough to give up?

    3. If she says she wants to take a step back, still talk and go out and get to know more about each other and slowly, should I take this as a good sign that she wants to work things out?

    4. If I am to bring up our relationship, when would be a good time to do it? I may talk to her on the phone during the week or see her this weekend (still up in the air) but I was planning on just having fun and talking about normal stuff and not bringing up her need to take space/time. Is this a good plan or should I go right into communication about our relationship?

    5. Should I take everything she says as truth when discussing these things? I’m just worried she’s saying what she’s saying not to hurt me.

    Trust me, I know I come off as someone who thinks too much and to be honest, I do think too much and it usually ruins a lot of situations. I am trying not to be this way with her from hereon in, but must apologize to the readers of this hoping it will just end :p

    To those who read/respond, thank you. Although for some odd reason I wrote this out for myself (I don’t have a diary and don’t plan on getting one :p)

  • Elizabeth

    The ‘I need space’ statement. It never clarifies — hurry the fuck up, there are people who love you out here. It sounds like you’re doing just fine. My first boyfriend went Buddhist. He says, everyone will let you down and you will let everyone down. That forgiveness really helped me.

  • Allie

    Had no idea it was you we were talking about the whole time 🙂

    I don’t have any easy answers, just that I personally really hate games-playing and this whole bullshit scenario would be a deal-breaker for me. Your tolerance of wishy-washy “I don’t want to say where we stand right now” nonsense may be higher than mine. Just be aware that this type of behavior is almost certainly something this lady does and will continue to do her whole life, not just in romantic situations, but in many situations.

  • Makste

    I’m with you on that

  • sophia

    wow. that was some really honest and really good advice John. i think i needed to hear that. i will bring this full circle and back to the experience of growing up as a fundamentalist christian, where i learned it was better to give than receive, and that it was better to sacrifice yourself for others, and that self-care was selfish. i can see where those long held beliefs have influenced the person i am today. it’s hard for me to be in a relationship without wanting to do kind things for my boyfriend all the time. they never appreciate it. and i don’t do it so that someone will like me back – i do it because i love them and that’s what we do for people we love! but the funny thing is, that when i get exhausted and want to leave the relationship and tell him what a butthead he is, THEN he falls in love with me and can’t get enough. i don’t understand it all, but your comments about “creating a life and not asking the other person to do it for you” really hit home for me. thanks.

  • Andrew Bell

    On a side note, why isn’t she the one moving out?

  • Yup. I’ve asked that question. The gentlemanly thing to do is move out. Even if it’s your house. I… don’t understand either.

  • Simeon Anderson

    Disregard women, acquire currency.

  • Because she know’s he’ll move out and she can get away with it. That’s a warning sign right there!

  • Guest

    Laura below mentions that if it was so great, why didn’t you get married? I’m not going to set

  • LostGrrl

    The immediate thought for me here is if he thought he met his soul mate, why didn’t they get married? He says he “did” all the right things…but it sounds like there was no communication here at all, on either side. I really didn’t see a lot of evidence of smothering at all in the
    letter. In fact, I felt it was quite the opposite. I got the feeling
    that he just felt if he “performed” in a certain way, everything would
    work out. Yet there was no evidence at all that he was willing to permanently commit his life to this woman. The whole letter felt a bit clinical.

    Women on the whole long to feel loved and we let’s face it, we want commitment…we want to know that he isn’t just going to walk out whenever he feels like it, especially as we get older and have children. This guy says he wanted to grow old with her but never once mentions wanting to marry her. I’m thinking that’s why she wants to move on. If he’s not willing to commit to her, maybe she wants to find someone who will. If he truly meant as much to her as he says, he should be willing to take that step. If not, I don’t blame her for moving on. However, I think she should have been honest and upfront with him about it, rather than just saying “she needs space.”

    Rubbing your feet is nice, but if you don’t feel he is willing to commit his life to you, then it doesn’t mean much.

  • Hi Steve. I’ve known some couples like this IRL. I don’t think it’s that simple. It really seems to be an obligation some men feel. And, if they’re using ‘gentlemen’ as their standard, the women they’re with probably feel it’s right. Not sexist. I’ve seen them reunite after a good healthy break, too. It took me about three months to process my decision and a week to implement. There was no question in my mind it was my responsibility to move out and the decision was final. We’re friends again but we weren’t for six months.

  • I’m sorry, but Gentlemen don’t rollover and play dead.

  • Michelle Nelly Brown

    I am sharing this wonderful testimony to the whole universe of the earth concerning the wonderful works of DR OLUBAM, for what he has been doing in many people lives and also my also. I was having a greater challenge on my lover who I loved with the whole of my hearts not knowing that he was charmed by another girl who he is dating outside me….when I was seeing the challenges that is now befalling me and I can’t even cope with them anymore then I decided to email DR OLUBAM for some reproach and some consultations also….he told me that I don’t have anything to worry about because I am in the right place…he told me that there are some items that is needed to cast the love and binding spell together but is going to cost me some money which he told me and I send the money to him and he promised to give me reply between an hour time…when it was that time exactly, he called me that there are some things and words I have to pronounced by myself because my faith is going to set me free which I did according to his instruction….after some minutes my lover called me and was apologizing that he doesn’t know what go on with him that he was bewitched…so right now as I am writing and sharing this testimony my husband is now a humble man and respect himself well and also give me the maximum respect he has for me…….THIS IS THE DR EMAIL AT (DR.OLUBAMSPELLHOME@GMAIL.COM AND DR.OLUBAMSPELLHOME@LIVE.COM) WELCOME TO THE WORLD OF OLUBAM

  • Michelle Nelly Brown

    Hello I want to share a very wonderful testimony about DR OLUBAM who help me getting my ex back in between 48hrs, when I saw a testimony on net concerning DR OLUBAM I thought that it was a scam not knowing that he is real and he is great. I decided to email the great DR concerning my problem too and he told me that I showed not worry about my problem because it has an solution, he gave me a form to fill after filling the form he told me that there are some spell items and return love items that is needed to cast the love spell on me but is going to cost me some amount of money and which he told and I send the money to him because I was having full confidence on him that after everything, I will get my ex lover back and get married….after some 1hr DR called me that I should buy some things there in my own country and burn them to ashes which I did according to his command and between an twinkle of an eye my ex came back to me started apologizing for the wrongs and the pains he put me through and now we are now happily married with a kid..thanks to dr. OLUBAM for his marvelous work in my life. Email him now at DR.OLUBAMSPELLHOME@GMAIL.COM AND DR.OLUBAMSPELLHOME@LIVE.COM FOR HELP ALSO……

  • Emiliano Babarah

    Oh my God, I’m so glad to tell everyone the real thing that happen to me…My name is EMILIANO BABARAH. If i refuse to share this testimony it means i am selfish to my self and to people i love so much whom might have similar problems, March 16th about something 7:23pm after taken our dinner my husband got crazy started calling a lady name Melisa I love you, i was so mad and started crying like a baby…then my husband left home for the idiot called Melisa, and never return back home then i believed when he uthen nderstand his self he will surly come back to apology, but instead he left me So i complained to my friend she told me she was having such problems in her marriage until she was introduce to DR ORIOMON who specializes in bringing back broken homes and broken marriages DR ORIOMON cast a spell for me in May 4th surprisingly my husband came home May 6th apologizing that i should forgive him that it will never happen again, i was so glad and gave the thanks to DR ORIOMON who save my marriage, if you are having similar problem you can contact him and His email address is (oriomonspiritualtemple@yahoo.com) you can still save your marriage if u really love your husband.


  • Juan Xinyi

    My name is becky from UK I have to give this miraculous testimony, which is so unbelievable until now. I had a problem with my Ex husband 2years ago, which lead to our break up. when he broke up with me, I was not my self again, i felt so empty inside me, my love and financial situation became worst, until a close friend of mine Lucy told me about a spell caster who helped her in the same problem too his name is Dr okosun. I email dr.okosun1spelltemple@gmail.com and i told him my problem and i did what he asked of me, to cut the long story short. Before i knew what was happening my husband gave me a call and told me that he was coming back to me in just 2days and was so happy to have him back to me. We have two kids together and we are happy with ourselves. Thanks to Dr okosun for saving my relationship and for also saving others own too. continue your good work, If you are interested to contact him and testify this blessings like me, the great spell caster email address is dr.okosun1spelltemple@gmail.com you are the best among all the spell caster online I hope you see my testimonies and also pray for my family too

  • lucy454

    I expected to see some improvements in my love life after I contacted Ekaka and asked him to send out a spell to the Universe for me, but I didn’t expect a life-changing experience, that’s for sure! Still, though, that’s what I got! I’m not only in love, I’m going to be moving to my soon-to-be-fiance’s state next month! We probably would never even have met if it weren’t for ekakaspelltemple@yahoo.com and his wonderful powers of peace and love. I wish you all the peace and love you sent me, DR Ekaka.

  • rose lisa

    what a great testimony am about to shear to the entire world, is relay a joyful thing to be happy in your relationship i never have it in mind that i could ever been with my husband again in life. DR UNITY is really a great spell caster he can help you cast a spell to bring back your gone lost caster over lover back, make good money, spell for a good job, spell for protection, spell to guild your money, spell to win lotto and lottery and lot more. well it is a long story but i will cut it short, after 15years of marriage with three kids my husband started keeping late night, at first i thought it was normal, little did i know that he was bringing different girls to our matrimonial bed, to the extent that i was the one washing there cloth, because they said marriage is for better or worst, he started calling me and my children different names, i was so confused and there was no hope, so he told me to live his house with my kids, i left and was confuse about the sodding change, one day i was browsing through the internet, i saw a testimony about how DR UNITY help people with different problems, so i build my faith in him and contacted him, he told him not to worry that in 48hours he will find me and beg for forgiveness, i though it was a joke, when it was 48hours i hard i gentle knock on my door, (guess what?) when i open it was my husband and three of his friends knelling and begging for forgiveness, today he is the best husband a woman will dream to have and we are one and happy family. thanks DR UNITY. contact him because he is the only man who can help you with your problems. email unitylovetemple@gmail.com again unitylovetemple@gmail.com

  • Emiliano Babarah

    Oh my God, I’m so glad to tell everyone the real thing that happen to me…My name is EMILIANO BABARAH. If i refuse to share this testimony it means i am selfish to my self and to people i love so much whom might have similar problems, March 16th about something 7:23pm after taken our dinner my husband got crazy started calling a lady name Melisa I love you, i was so mad and started crying like a baby…then my husband left home for the idiot called Melisa, and never return back home then i believed when he uthen nderstand his self he will surly come back to apology, but instead he left me So i complained to my friend she told me she was having such problems in her marriage until she was introduce to DR ORIOMON who specializes in bringing back broken homes and broken marriages DR ORIOMON cast a spell for me in May 4th surprisingly my husband came home May 6th apologizing that i should forgive him that it will never happen again, i was so glad and gave the thanks to DR ORIOMON who save my marriage, if you are having similar problem you can contact him and His email address is (oriomonspiritualtemple@yahoo.com) you can still save your marriage if u really love your husband.


  • Henry Westwood

    please i want you all to read this testimony as the man was brought to the world to save people from frustrations from lost loves lost jobs i wanna post on this forum because i know there are many of you out there who are in the same problem i was i am Mabel writhe and i am from Canada cold lake in Alberta and i and my husband were married for fifteen years with three children our lives were flourishing my husband had a good job and i was a sales representative in his company then on the 10th of October 2012 my home started to crumble everything was going upside down and my husband left me and my children for a little girl and when i heard of it i was so devastated and when i go to his office to see him he told his boss he doesn’t want to see me no more and in the process i lost my job i and my children we were suffering and i was looking for solutions were ever it was to no avail i contacted so many spell casters who could not do anything and i decided to give up until i met a friend on 1st of may and he told me of a powerful spell caster who she met in Africa when she went to execute a project in Africa and she gave me his mail address as{agumaguspelltemple@gmail.com}, and i contacted him on 2nd of may 2013 and he told me many things i didn’t know before he let me into many secrets and he cast the spell and told me that on 4th of may my husband was going to come back to me i didn’t believe him i had my doubt, and as he promised my husband came begging me on the 4th of may 2013 and i contacted him and told him all that he said came true and he said i was going to get my job back and also get promoted and on the 6th of may i got my job back, i was promoted and i was compensated for the days i was relieved of my work i want to thank the greatest spell caster in the world Dr agumagu he told me he can bring back lost love, lost jobs,promotion lotto win,and many more if we have two men like him today the world will be a good place once again thank you sir, here his is mail if you want to contact him as he will answer you asap.{agumaguspelltemple@gmail.com},hope he help you out too.

  • doris carter

    My name is tucker stacey.This is a very joyful day of my life because of the help Dr.Utimate has rendered to me by helping me get my ex husband back with his magic and love spell. i was married for 6 years and it was so terrible because my husband was really cheating on me and was seeking for a divorce but when i came across Dr.Utimate email on the internet on how he help so many people to get thier ex back and help fixing relationship.and make people to be happy in their relationship. i explained my situation to him and then seek his help but to my greatest surprise he told me that he will help me with my case and here i am now celebrating because my Husband has change totally for good. He always want to be by me and can not do anything without my present. i am really enjoying my marriage, what a great celebration. i will keep on testifying on the internet because Dr.Utimate is truly a real spell caster. DO YOU NEED HELP THEN CONTACT DOCTOR UTIMATE NOW VIA EMAIL: Utimatespellhome@gmail.com or call +2347031362391 or utimatespellhome@gmail.com. He is the only answer to your problem and make you feel happy in your relationship…….

  • to reiterate what John already said … when someone asks for space, they probably want space. maybe, just maybe, it’s that simple.

    I’m going on 29 years with my husband, and I’m firmly convinced our longevity as a couple is, in part, due to the fact that for the middle 7 years, I worked in SF Mon-Thurs while my hub worked in LA … wow! did we learn not to take each other for granted, and boy! were our weekends great after a few days of missing each other.

  • Jermac

    This is messed up, but it’s true. I read the entire response to the question and it’s correct. I was dating this girl for about 3 years, well not really dating, well yes and no. Anyway, we got intimate and things were great for a while, and then a few minor things happened and we were done. Out of the blue, just like that. I went insane. I got depressed, spammed her phone with texts and called her a couple times. All I kept getting was “you don’t need to know who I talk to”, “relax” and “I’m tired/busy/doing my nails”. I got excuse and excuse after excuse, and after the 7th or so time of being brushed off I left her alone. Only texted her once or twice a day at best and sometimes wouldn’t text for days at a time. We only saw each other a few times a month. It was hell for me at first, but I learned to control my emotions, think about the situation from both perspectives, realized I couldn’t change how she felt and moved on. I became stronger for it, and it serves as a painful lesson for my future. But that’s all this really is. A painful lesson for men to learn when the women they’re with have had enough of them and the woman is too polite to say: “Get the F out: and quit abruptly. They still want you around as “friends” at best in the end. It’s a lame situation.

  • Khedra B Graham

    Hello everyone I want to share a live testimony on how Dr Alex was able to bring my husband back to me, myself and my husband were on a serious breakup, even before then we were always quarreling fighting and doing different ungodly act..
    My husband packed his things out of the house and we had to live in different area, despite all this I was looking for a way to re_unite with my husband, not until I met Dr Alex the great spell caster who was able to bring my husband back home, Dr Alex cast a love spell for me, and after some time I started seen results about the spell….
    Today my family is back again and we are happy living fine and healthy, with Dr Alex all my dream came through in re_uniting my marriage, friends in case you need the help of Dr Alex kindly mail him on( solutionhelpcentre@gmail.com ) or call him on +2347036013351, Sir I will forever recommend you!

  • Khedra B Graham

    Hello everyone I want to share a live testimony on how Dr Alex was able to bring my husband back to me, myself and my husband were on a serious breakup, even before then we were always quarreling fighting and doing different ungodly act..
    My husband packed his things out of the house and we had to live in different area, despite all this I was looking for a way to re_unite with my husband, not until I met Dr Alex the great spell caster who was able to bring my husband back home, Dr Alex cast a love spell for me, and after some time I started seen results about the spell….
    Today my family is back again and we are happy living fine and healthy, with Dr Alex all my dream came through in re_uniting my marriage, friends in case you need the help of Dr Alex kindly mail him on( solutionhelpcentre@gmail.com ) or call him on +2347036013351, Sir I will forever recommend you!…

  • Becky Jones

    Thank you thank you DR OLORI for what you have just done, for helping me getting my husband who left me with two kids years ago to me I thank you so much the great olori of drolorispiritualtemple@gmail.com for Bringing back my family i am great full and will always be if you also Need his help his email (drolorispiritualtemple@gmail.com ) My name is elen jones I am from spain i want to share my happiness with the general public of what DR olori of india but now in africa has done for me in the last few weeks i was once in love this guy called McCarty we in love with each other until traveled out of my state for two year and we promise ourselves to be together forever, but before return from my journey he where now having another lover when i try to come back to he. He told me i should go away i love him so much that i could not let he go just like that then i told a friend about it and she advice me and recommend this man olori for me when i visit he at drolorispiritualtemple@gmail.com he only ask me to buy some items for sacrifices to help me get my ex back and he actually did it and it work well and today I am happy with incase any one is out there with same problem or any kind I advice he or she to contact this man today at drolorispiritualtemple@gmail.com and with what he did for me I believe he can also help you thank once again Dr olori

  • Becky Jones

    My life is back!!! After 8 years of marriage, my husband left me and left me with our three kids. I felt like my life was about to end, and was falling apart. I contacted you and after I explained you my problem. In just 24hours, my husband came back to us and show me and my kids much love and apologize for all the pain he have bring to the family. We solved our issues, and we are even happier than before dr olori you are the best spell caster i really appreciate the love spell you castes for me to get the man back to my life i will keep sharing more testimonies to people about your good work Thank you once again dr olori at drolorispiritualtemple@gmail.com in case you are in any problem you can contact this man for help he is always there in his temple to help you solve your problem Contact Email is: drolorispiritualtemple@gmail.com. CONTACT HIM TODAY VIA THIS EMAIL ADDRESS: drolorispiritualtemple@gmail.com AS HIS POWERS ARE SO STRONG AND VERY EFFECTIVE AND HAS NO BAD EFFECT INSTEAD IT HAVE A VERY GOOD RESULT AFTER CASTING THE SPELL.

  • work in Oxford shire, UK. My life is back!!! After 2 years of Broken marriage, my husband left me with two kids, I felt like ending it all, i almost committed suicide because he left us with nothing, i was emotionally down all this while. Thanks to a spell caster called Dr. oyinbo the spell caster which i met online. On one faithful day, as I was browsing through the internet, I came across several of testimonies about this particular spell caster. Some people testified that he brought their Ex lover back, some testified that he restores womb,cure cancer,and other sickness, some testified that he can cast a spell to stop divorce and also spell to get a good paid job so on. He is amazing, i also come across one particular testimony, it was about a woman called Vera, she testified about how he brought back her Ex lover in less than 2 days, and at the end of her testimony she dropped his email.After reading all these, I decided to give it a try. I contacted him via email and explained my problem to him. In just 48hours, my husband came back to me. We resolved our issues, and we are even happier than ever.Dr.oyinbo you are a gifted man and i will not stop publishing him because he is a wonderful man. If you have a problem and you are looking for a real and genuine spell caster, Try him anytime, he is the answer to your problems. you can contact him on ( prophetoyinbojesus@yahoo.com or prophetoyinbojesus@yahoo.com) or call him +2348074066640. he is the best caster that can help you with your problems.

  • David Eric

    I am David Eric,I want to say thank to dr.trust for everything he did in my life. To everyone who doesn’t believe in spell, I was one like you at first. I wasn’t quite sure if I wanted to do this since I’ve tried others so-called spells casters and they did not work and was a waste of my time and money. However, when I read so many testimonials of dr.tust how he help people to get back their ex lover. dr.tust answered all my questions and was very nice about everything, I decided to give it a try. I figured it would be my last try to get my ex girlfriend back. i email dr.trust and tell him everything.he let me know which spells would be most appropriate for me and I chose the one that was to get her back to me and stay with me and to marry me.As soon as he finish the spells, my girlfriend came back into my life! It was a miracle to me and I’m so thankful to him, that is why i am sharing this testimony to those who need his help. Things have been going well, and pretty much according to what dr.trust said would happen. I’m very happy for the love spell dr.trust have done for me, my ex girlfriend is now back to me and we are living so happy. if you asked me or my friends if I would have anticipated how things were right now…no one would believe it! contact is email address (ultimatespellcast@yahoo.com or ultimatespellcast@gmail.com tell +2348156885231) his website: http://ultimatespellcast-net.webs.com….

  • Lachaindra Foster

    I am Lachaindra Foster i want to thank Dr. DR EBOEHI for getting my lover back to me within 48 hours. When my lover left me i was so tired and frustrated till i search the internet for help and i saw so many good talk about Dr. DR EBOEHI of (supernaturalspelltemple@gmail.com) and i decided to give him a try and i contact him and explain my problems to him and he cast a love spell for me which i use to get my husband back. If you want to get your lover back contact DR EBOEHI via email: (supernaturalspelltemple@gmail.com DR EBOEHI the great man that is able to bring back my lost love.

  • Lachaindra Foster

    I am Lachaindra Foster i want to thank Dr. DR EBOEHI for getting my lover back to me within 48 hours. When my lover left me i was so tired and frustrated till i search the internet for help and i saw so many good talk about Dr. DR EBOEHI of (supernaturalspelltemple@gmail.com) and i decided to give him a try and i contact him and explain my problems to him and he cast a love spell for me which i use to get my husband back. If you want to get your lover back contact DR EBOEHI via email: (supernaturalspelltemple@gmail.com DR EBOEHI the great man that is able to bring back my lost love…

  • Sylent Atlantis


  • Sylent Atlantis


  • BarbaraR

    Whoa! It’s really loud in here. Turn caps lock off, please.

  • Jeffrey Dowling

    Dr Aziegbe HELP ME BRING BACK MY EX GIRL FRIEND BACK TO ME. Am so happy to testify about a great spell caster that helped me when all hope was lost for me to unite with my ex girl friend that i love so much. Am from USA. i had a girl friend that love me so much but something terrible happen to our relationship one afternoon when her girl friend that was always trying to get to me was trying to force me to make love to her just because she was been jealous of her friend that i was dating and on the scene my girl friend just walk in and she thought we had something special doing together, i tried to explain things to her that her friend always do this when ever she is not with me and i always refuse her but i never told her because i did not want the both of them to be enemies to each other but she never believed me. She broke up with me. i was so confuse cos i cant live witout her one day i decided to contact a spell caster and i emailed him with his email Drossuva@gmail.com and he replied me so kindly and help me get back my lovely relationship that was already gone for a months. Am so happy and all thanks to the GREAT DR Aziegbe. that help me with his white love powers. If you have any kind of problem email him now for help with his email

    Drossuva@ gmail.com or Drossuva@ gmail.com if you are out there passing through any of this problems listed below:

    (1) If you want your ex back.

    (2) if you always have bad dreams.

    (3) You want to be promoted in your office.

    (4) You want women/men to run after you.

    (5) do you want to be pregnant.

    (6) You want to be rich.

    (7) You want to tie your husband/wife to be yours forever.

    (8) If you need financial assistance.

    (9)Stop Divorce

    Email: Drossuva@gmail.com or his website: http://drossolution.webs.com/

  • Joe

    i have been dating my girlfriend for about 6 mos we had some problems and she says she needs her space she dosent want me to contract her anymore text calls anything just wondering if it might be over in that time just wondering if she might be trying to find someone else last night we face timed and she was crying should i be worried i don’t know what to do

  • Corie Bazlet

    Dang, this is a good response.

  • REEJ

    I said something to my Partner that really hurts her, and she though I broke up with her, we were working on plans that I am going to live with her because we are in Long Distance Relationship, so been working on that in ages, until I got frustrated and stress, then I told her ”maybe we arent meant to be together” which I mean is live at the same state together, she thought together as partner, and as usual all I want to hear from her is her saying ” BAby Its okay, we always work things out” I need her to put strength on me, I was waiting for her text or call but I didnt know that shes also waiting, she thought I broken up the relationship, I texted her and said ” well At least now I know that you are okay with us not talking, I didnt know that it made her more angry and hurt, so I apologize, said sorry, explained everything, send her emails, I was calling her and she ignored me for whole day, because she was hurt, I called her friends, Sister, even tried ringing her Mom, I was worried to death not hearing anything from her, then finally the next day she said she needed space because she was broken and hurt and she never felt that way before and she needs to be okay again and not feeling broken,anger,hurt again, i couldnt help but message her and shes ignoring it, and I asked her If shes breaking up on me and she said She dont know,. what is this means?? Am I ever gonna win her Back again??

  • Barack Hussein Obama

    This exactly. My girlfriend, she has a tough time handling the depth, the intensity of what i feel for her. It is reciprocated, I know that down to my bones. She was abused as a child, she was suddenly left after a five year relationship when the guy had proposed to her a few years earlier. What a fucking mess, the trauma she lives with and is trying to work through is massive. Just as her, I am in the middle of a lot of personal work, childhood, core issues that still haunt me. We have a fantastic relationship, but the personal demons, the fear, the fear it can be paralyzing. She loves me just as deeply as I love her, and we both want for each other what we want for ourselves; to heal, to be whole, to feel worthwhile. Neither of us feel we are deserving of each other. We both honestly feel that.

    It is difficult for me, intellectually knowing this all to be true, the current situation, but allowing the time for it to play out how it should. I can be overbearing, unintentionally overbearing. At thirty three i can relate a lot to the original post, the feelings, the service the desire. This guy would lay down in the street for her no questions asked, as would I. I am afraid, that allowing space, space with no contact, no reaching out, no asking how she is despite being worried sick. That she will not call, in however long I fear that she will not call. Not because she doesn’t want to, not because she doesn’t have the same yearning that i do. But because of the fear.
    “he has probably moved on” “he probably doesn’t want to deal with my shit” “I am unable to love him like he deserves” “I am not worth it”

    I can hear her pain, I can hear the anxiety, the turmoil within. Not being able to do anything is a devastatingly helpless feeling. It is not co dependent, it is not needy or immature. It is life. Life has a way of making you feel small at times. Making one feel overly insecure.

    This is where I find myself. There is no advice, there are no answers. Some things just cannot be thought through. They have to be lived.

    I wish the best to the OP, I do sincerely hope that whatever has happened, he is a better man as a result. I have the same hopes, I whisper the same prayers for myself. Onward brother, onward.

  • yohami

    Of course she has someone new.

  • Stig of the dumped

    Great observation and advice. I wish I had read it before doing everything wrong, but I wonder if it misses something significant.

    I find myself in a similar boat, albeit with someone I have been a friend for many years but only really close through 2016. The friendship was imbalanced in that she liked me hugely and I was to her perhaps her closest friend at the time. I in contrast, knowing myself to be too old and on every way unable to be the person she deserves, did my utmost to pretend to myself I was not very much in love with her. Had I acted otherwise I am sure (I think) it would have only damaged the friendship or made things awkward, but since her departure, I am distraught. The notion of acting fine, is very easy to suggest and very sensible… until in the reality with someone who truly means that much.

    So to space. This last few months my friend began to succeed in creative realms that are her passion. Fantastic! I was so happy for her, but felt distance growing and sensed she was leaving me behind, outgrown. I still feel that may have been true, because this means she now had infinitely more space and yet she as much as I had been the one keeping us close before then.

    So, returning to John, I ask if it is not possible that the only reason he appeared to start pushing /clinging was that subconsciously he had already picked up that she was moving away? Effectively she moved a foot left, he moved a foot left, just maintaining the same space, not encroaching at all? A flip of the woman’s claim. His action is the response to hers not the reverse.

    Few people like to witness the distress their exit choices cause to former friends and lovers, when they find better friends or more interesting ways to spend their time.

    Is not ‘I want more space’ not a euphemism for ‘”I want to exit by installments, in the hope you don’t notice and maybe I get to avoid the embarrassment or guilt of seeing you in pieces”, but definitely an exit? Is not her glib remark let me go and hope I come back, not the sort of thing that five minutes later, exiting the coffee shop, she might remark to a new friend “that went well, I can’t believe he bought the line”, while he spends the rest of his life thinking she really views that as something she might ever entertain?

    I don’t know. If the woman refuses to really talk, because asking for that is ‘pushing’, is it odd that the guy can begin to wonder?

  • Stig of the dumped

    The other thing is if there has been a row, it is like a wall.

    It’s why it is a really bad idea not to make up before sleep because the clock is ticking. All the time one party is saying let’s talk, meet face to face and talk it through and make up, while the other is ignoring all efforts and then declaring these as invasive, the cement is hardening. In contrast a newly built wall, however solid and over an entire it may appear, can be undone quite easily.

    So although I think it too late for my friend and I, to all those who like to ignore calls and emails and texts and grow angry at them, do recognise the reason, the good intent, and that lack of response is making things less and less resolvable.

    Please, even though my pleas felt on deaf ears in my own instance, do talk with your own friend or partner if in the same boat and understand why they are so desperate to talk before you may real ready. Don’t end up as sad as me.

    The opposite, is a decision that can only be positive for those who already wish the conclusion it must bring.

  • Diamond Rough

    I just have a question? Two individuals has been separated for almost three years. The two remain in touch during this time. The guy returns back to their home area but tells the woman that if he gets back involved with her it will mess up his head. What does he mean by this? Thanks.

  • orange70383 .

    When she says she needs space or says anything else that gives her more time away from you, it means 100% of the time that she’s met somebody else and wants to see how it goes with them. There is no other reason and anybody that tells you otherwise doesn’t know what they’e talking about.

  • orange70383 .

    She’s using excuses because she wants somebody else. If a girl is into you she’s going to be with you. Her saying she needs time and her feelings are hurt is her way of keeping you as a backup if her new guy falls through. Don’t kid yourself, if she wanted you then you wouldn’t be writing this.

  • orange70383 .

    She dumped you because she has someone new. Why would you be worried, she does not want you at all, as in she’s riding another D so forget about it, move on because she wants you to forget you ever knew her. So don’t be a creeper mangina and forget her.

  • orange70383 .

    Wrong wrong wrong, space means she’s riding another D and wants you to get lost. Shaun doesn’t know his sorry azz from nothing.

  • erushbass .

    Shes having an affair or wants to try a few cocks, if it dosnt work out “lucky” old you will get her back.

  • nutterbutter

    If she is a big girl and you aint long enough to hit her “spot exactly. She wants to try out a few other dicks out there to see if they can hit the “spot” . Some Virgo wome go through 10-20 men trying to find the ohe that hits the spot. Generally if they have found one they go back to them despite ; how they are treated. The answe r with these chicks is you have to SATISFY them sexually first, then fall in love second.

    Most men who have these chicks “aint” in Love with them !!
    They are players, they don’t fall in love… thats the key!..They have more then one or they are married….. Rarely does the woman find one that will be “faithful & hit their spot exclusively”. They have to share… then they end up being as lonely as the crap they are giving you right now. She may come back after a year or so of this treatment ; but I wouldn’t count on it.
    Find a woman that appreciates YOU for what you are because you have lost TRUST with the one of five years. Five years of Trust doesn’t come back overnight sometimes it takes a year or even years… Don’t wait for her FIDO… ___ it Drive on..