If you read or skimmed the reader comments to Christian Polyamory and/or One Man. Two Fiancees. One Prenup-nup, you know that many readers suspect that either or both of their letters were written not by men seeking enlightenment on how they can happily be husband to two wives, but rather by duplicitous Christian fundy trolls.
How I scoffed at those suspicions. I am, after all, a highly respected veteran blogger. Who’s better trained than I to smell a writing rat?
Oh, you think you share with me that refined talent, do you? Wanna test that theory? Great!
This morning I got in the letter below. (Or did I?) Turn on your B.S. detector, carefully read through it, and then tell us whether you think it’s real or fake. Good luck! You’re gonna need it for this one.
Dear “Pastor” John,
I have a question for you, since everyone knows what a genius you are at answering all kinds of dumbass questions from so-called “open-minded” liberal Christians just like me.
I am a the president and CEO of a company that is listed in the Fortune Top 50 Biggest Companies in America. I sure do love being so rich and successful! But you know what they say: “mo’ money, mo’ problems.” My problem is that I am deeply in love with two women. I know that sounds so “out there” it’s like somebody should take me out in the field behind my trailer and shoot me like the air-humping dog I am. But I don’t care if my lust for both these women at once is a foul sin that Satan has inserted into me like a hot trident handle he’s using to confuse me and make me lose all manly control.
Why should I care about that? The rules of God be damned, right, John? Anyone gets to do whatever they want to these days, don’t they? The heart wants what it wants—and what it wants must be right! And my heart (and maybe one or two other places on my super-toned executive body, hee-hee!) wants to have axle-busting porno sex with both of these professional and highly desirable women. And if the two of them want to get hot and heavy together while I kick back with some fried chicken and watch, so much the better! (One of the girls, by the way, is a blonde built just like Marilyn Monroe. You should see her in a bikini! The other is a brunette who looks just like the one on Gilligan’s Island who isn’t a movie star.)
I tell you, I can barely sleep at night wondering which one of those two women I want the most. Then I remember: Oh, yeah! I can have them both!
But then I sober up and recollect that I’m a solid, God-fearing Christian, not some Muslim America-hater who gets to have more wives than I have bottles in my beer bottle collection. Only one of my two hot girlfriends can be my wife. That’s how it used to be, anyway. I know that much. But today, with everyone cheering on the homos getting married left and right, who knows what the rules are? I sure don’t! All I know is there’s no use reading my Bible at all anymore, is there? I might as well throw that useless, man-written book right into the big pit with my other garbage! I might as well read the Koran—or even the Jewish bible! Maybe I’ll start reading the Hindu bible! I heard that’s pretty good!
Any advice you could give me and your other “liberal” Christian readers would be much appreciated, “Pastor” John. Whatever you say, I’ll do. WHY NOT????!!!!
Very sincerely yours,
[name withheld]
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