10 reasons why the Super Bowl is more fun than church

This Sunday I, along with bazillions of other Christians, will choose watching the Super Bowl over going to church. Why? Because compared to church the Super Bowl offers:

1. Way better food. Remember the last time that during a church service someone offered you guacamole and beer? Me neither.

2. Better seating. I once tried to stretch out comfortably on a church pew. My coccyx still hasn’t forgiven me.

3. Dependable periodic yuks. Church needs commercial breaks. But only if some of them are awesomely funny. Which none of them will be. So never mind.

4. A reason to deeply and desperately pray. I do pray in church, for sure. But usually not so hard my stomach muscles seize up and I sweat, moan and cry like a gnu in a trap.

5. Unendurable suspense. Church is a lot of things. One of them is not surprising.

6. Raucous cheering. In church there’s no leaping up and cheering so hard you instantly destroy your vocal cords. Sad.

7. Humans violently crashing into each other. Sure, sometimes at church someone will accidentally bump into someone else. But it’s not really the same.

8. The possibility of a shocking wardrobe malfunction. And that’s enough said about that.

9. Color commentary. You should get to wear headphones in church, so you can hear someone who’s up in the choir loft saying in your ear, “It looks like today Pastor Watson has chosen to go with one his casual, slightly rumpled untucked business shirts, and skinny jeans. That’s a daring and even controversial choice, given that it looks like somebody has been spending a little too much time at the donut table between services. The pastor is asking us all to turn to our Bibles. He’s been criticized in the past for not waiting to talk until everyone’s had a chance to to find the passage he’s already got marked and open. Let’s see if he’s learned that lesson for this Sunday.” I would totally listen to that.

10. A chance to win money off your friends. I’ve never once seen anybody after a church service jump up and holler to the guy next to him, “HA! Pay up, suckaaaa!” Why? It’s like we’re not even trying.