She has no sex drive. Is it immoral to allow her husband to sleep with his ex?

She has no sex drive. Is it immoral to allow her husband to sleep with his ex? May 11, 2015


Dear John,

I’m in a marriage with another Christian; but I have an exceptionally low sex drive. I love my husband dearly, and on the rare occasions I am in the mood, sex is lovely. But some med issues and such make my desire for sex almost null.

We’ve talked in depth for about two years about me being okay with him engaging in sex with a lifelong, “friend with benefits” he’s had since well before we met. Thing is, I am honestly ok with it on a personal, internal level. I’m very close to her as well, they were friends about 10 years before I was in the picture; he chose me as his romantic life partner.

The only thing holding us back is, well, the Bible. Jesus makes it pretty clear that adultery is a damnable sin. Yet I see stories of Christians in open marriages, or polyamorous unions, or not marrying for whatever legal reasons—and I can’t figure it out.

I suppose, it seems to me, that each commandment and law we still keep is because to not keep it does harm. Do these alternative styles of Christian relationships work out on the moral field because a consensual open relationship is different from cheating, or looking at someone only in lust?

I know it must sound contradictory, to say “I’m okay with it—but I’m not.” But for me it’s really a matter of “I have no moral ills about this, but everyone says I should.”

How do open arrangement Christians reconcile non-monogamy with the Bible and adultery?

Hi. Thanks for trusting me enough to write me with this delicate and deeply personal question.

I know I’m gonna get my rump handed to me for saying this, but my personal opinion is that sex is never exclusively about the physical act of copulation. I know that lots of people understand “owning” their sexuality as meaning that, if they want to, they can have completely rewarding sex that is essentially devoid of emotion—that they can, at will, get off with another person without any accompanying or resultant emotional involvement.

I don’t believe that’s possible, however. I don’t think anyone can actually do that. And if any given person can, that’s not healthy. If you’re able to become as vulnerable as sex makes anyone, and at the same time sever yourself emotionally from that vulnerability, something is wrong. That’s not natural, and that’s not healthy. It accounts for the classic “dead eyes” of strippers and prostitutes, which is always the saddest thing to see.

Again (he said, in anticipation of the war-whoop certain to come his way if a very particular online community discovers this post) that is just my opinion/experience.

So all I’d ask is that you ask yourself very deeply, and very honestly, just how okay you really are with your husband having one of the most intimate experiences possible with another person—especially with, as you put it, “a lifelong ‘friend with benefits’ he’s had since well before we met.”

I just don’t want you to get hurt by ever having to realize, after the fact, just how much you are hurt by being at home watching television while your husband is off bonding with this other woman in the way that it doesn’t seem to me possible he and she won’t end up bonding.

I’m not saying you can’t handle it. I’m simply encouraging you to consider the validity of the idea that no wife or husband could ever handle that, that no one—or, at least, let me say, very few people—are ever likely to really be okay, all the way down to their bones, with the spouse they love regularly going off to sleep with someone they’ve known for a long time and always been really close to.

(I’m also aware of how … untenable it is to argue that what’s true for most people must be true for all people. If there’s one thing in life I understand, it’s that.)

I also wanted to say, if I could, that when I read your, “Some med issues and such make my desire for sex almost null,” I immediately focused on that phrase “and such.”

Are you sure the reason your sex drive is so low is purely medical? Because that is one rare medical condition. And you may have such a condition, obviously. But your “and such” points to causes for your sexual dysfunction which you’re aware cannot be successfully addressed medically.

If you have any psychological issues around sexuality (as virtually everyone does, btw), take those very seriously. I know it’s a cliche, but seek real, qualified, actual, long-term counseling. I can’t tell you how many people I’ve known who believed that their sexual dysfunction was a medical condition, only to ultimately discover that it was rooted in their subconscious. If as a child you were molested or sexualized in any way, for instance, that is guaranteed to seriously mess with your adult sexual identity. That’s a rule no one gets around. If that sort of thing happened to you as a kid, you need to directly and thoroughly deal with that. It’s the only way you’ll ever really be happy. (For that please let me recommend the amazing book, The Courage to Heal.)

Finally, your moral instincts about all this are absolutely correct. There is no moral issue with you allowing your husband to sleep with the other woman. What’s immoral is lying, cheating, hiding; what’s immoral is betraying the trust of your spouse. In the situation you’re in, it sounds to me like nobody’s deceiving anyone.

Fair enough. What’s true for all people is also true for Christians: no harm, no foul.

Best to you, sister. Hope this helps at all. All my love.

A really interesting perspective on this sort of dynamic is given by the woman I interviewed in 1 Man, 2 Women in a Polyamorous Relationship.

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  • Barrie

    I agree that all parties need to examine their hearts and minds to make sure that is is all right, with no hidden agendas. I admire that this woman is adult enough to do as she seems willing to do. I see no harm here as long as everyone is honest about the situation. Of course, in these situations, everyone is not always honest with themselves, but it certainly seems better to me than a sneaking around situation.

  • BarbaraR

    I am glad that she trusts you with confiding this very difficult decision, and you answered her in more depth than perhaps she was expecting. I’m concerned that the letter writer seems to be asking… permission to do this. And I am wondering – what do the two other people think? Is the letter writer the only one struggling with this concern?

    Polyamory is not primarily about sex; it is about being able to love more than one person on an intimate (emotional, spiritual) level. It cannot be entered into on a casual or friends-with-benefits level or inevitably someone will get hurt.

    Jesus is a lot less concerned with what people do with their genitals than what people do with their hearts and minds and how they treat each other.

  • My warning radar pinged when I asked myself, “Who’s idea was this, hers or his?” That unasked question alone bothers me.

    I totally agree with John that this woman needs to seek some good treatment to uncover any underlying reason why her sex drive is low. True health issues can be an issue, and certain medications can limit things, but, as John suggested, other factors can come into play.

  • Matt

    I agree with John. How could anyone truly have emotionally empty sex? If any two people go beyond passing each other on the street they have a relationship, however slight, and emotions go with that. That’s just the deal.

    Letter Writer, I don’t want to put words in your mouth or make up feelings that you don’t have, but if you feel like you won’t be a good wife if you decide to speak up, just know that your husband married you. He made a commitment to you in sickness and in health, whatever kind you may be dealing with. If he cares, he will want to listen and help you through this complex problem as your spouse. Just don’t discount your feelings, okay?

  • RJ (TO)

    When people refer to emotion-less sex, I don’t believe they mean it literally. I think they probably mean loveless sex, where there are no romantic feelings but generally the participants obviously like and are attracted to each other. The lack of romantic feelings prevents any territorial or jealous feelings when they’re finished and part company. It’s the romantic attachment that takes sex to a more “spiritual” level.

  • Worthless Beast

    Could be plain ol’ asexuality. The world is convinced that there’s “something wrong with us” when, couldn’t it be, some people are just born with low sex drive? The human brain is ridiculously complex and individual for each of us. Some of us are wired up all funny. The sooner folks get used to that idea, the better.

  • Pavitrasarala

    Excellent answer. I support your viewpoint 100%, John!

  • Oh, I totally agree. Sex is great, but it is not THE relationship. It isn’t what holds it together, or else there is something missing. Many couples go long periods of abstaining, because of health, or emotional states of one or both. Does that harm the relationship? It shouldn’t. Is it OK for one to seek sexual satisfaction with someone else?/I know I couldn’t, and neither could my husband. I just discussed this article. I can’t really understand wanting to, because I’m not hardwired that way. Others apparently are. I can respect that

  • Chuck Bryant

    It’s only cheating if it’s against the rules.
    Whose rules? Yours!

  • hillaryrobyn

    I cannot speak for the letter writer personally, of course, but as a wife with a nonexistent sex drive I can see where she is coming from. If she is anything like me, and she seems to be, all she wants is for her husband to be happy. However, I could not see myself completely disregarding my own happiness by allowing my husband to sleep with another woman. I agree with John here; is it really possible to have a sexual relationship and have no increase in the emotional relationship? I can’t see that happening, but I am sure that it has. Every couple is different, and every person is different.

    Is the reason she is considering allowing her husband to sleep with another woman because she is worried about the Bible’s stance on divorce? Is it the fact that she loves him too much to imagine not being with him? No matter her reasoning I do not judge her. As I said, everyone is different. I still wonder what would drive a person to go this far.

    As for the husband, was this his idea? I can not imagine my husband EVER suggesting such a thing. Sure, our sex life isn’t ideal or even what he thought it would be, and I am not stupid; I am sure he has thought about other women – that’s just human nature. All that being said, I still can’t imagine it. Even if I were to suggest it, I know that he would never agree to such a thing. We would both rather divorce and moving on over putting ourselves into such a situation.

    Finally, the part about them being “friends with benefits” long before she married him is also concerning. My gut tells me that he has already been sleeping with this woman and is trying to get her (his wife) to agree to such an arrangement to assuage his guilt. I might be a bit cynical, but this whole situation just seems off to me.

    In the end it is her decision and I truly wish the best for her. My only concern is what happens to her when she realizes that her husband does not love her like she loves him. That he has become as emotionally attached as he is physically to this other woman and, slowly but surely, their relationship falls apart. In my opinion, she’s better off to divorce him and let them all go their separate ways, instead of wasting her time with such a selfish man that doesn’t seem to reciprocate her love.

  • PJM

    I’m confused as to why the “and such” isn’t enough of an answer for the writer? Speaking from experience, maybe she doesn’t want to tell you that she has something like polycystic ovarian syndrome that positively kills off ALL sex drive from the raging hormones. Yes, there are medications but usually only if you’re trying to conceive. If you’re like me, over 40, with PCOS, you’re pretty much out of luck and shuffled off to a therapist to work on how to live WITHOUT a proper sex life.

    I feel horrible for this woman, knowing what it is like to look at someone and WANT to feel more, to desire them, to want to give yourself to them but you just can’t. I’ve been there…giving into the guilt because you feel it’s something you “should do” so you lay there like a doll and feel horrible because you’re feeling absolutely no connection, no spark – nothing. What is worse? Faking it or being honest and saying “Hey, sorry, these meds/illness are just killing my sex drive and I’m sorry. It’s not you.”

    I think she’s awesome for even being able to TALK to her husband about it openly. I’m sorry she had to hear a closed minded quip of “Because that is one rare medical condition.” It’s certainly NOT. You’re clearly not a doctor and didn’t research very far into the many OTHER factors that can contribute to zero sexuality.

  • Mallory

    I can sure sympathize with the lack of sex drive caused by medications. I have learned a few things over the years, though. One thing is that “forcing it” can actually work. I know that sounds awful but hear me out. Sex can be one of those things where the less you have, the less you want. If meds are making it literally impossible to reach orgasm, there’s probably not as much point but if the problem is getting interested, sometimes pushing through some foreplay can be enough to get the interest going. It can be like going to the gym – man, some days I really, REALLY don’t want to go but I do anyway because I know it’s good for me and it’s a good habit and I end up really having a good time and feeling SO much better afterward. Again, I want to stress that this recommendation is focused around HER and her needs – not any sort of pressure to please the husband out of guilt or obligation. Sex can be amazing for one’s body and mind as well as for a relationship.

    Also, if the lack of drive is due to a medication like a birth control or antidepressant where there are many alternatives available, it may pay off to experiment. I went through upwards of 15 types of birth control over the years before I found one that really worked for me in every way. It was so worth it though, to keep looking.

  • simeonberesford

    I think you should also ask If It will work for the other people involved. friends with benefits sounds uncomplicated but regular and consistent sex with someone will change the way you feel about them. To ask them to treat their relationship as any less of a commitment. Is a lot to ask. Polyamorous relationships shift.

  • Lori Wells Mang

    Sex for a woman does not have to equal an orgasm. You don’t need a sex drive to allow your spouse sexual gratification. Is she saying that she is physically unable to have sex or that she is on pills that tamper her sex drive? To me, there is a world of difference. If she literally can not physically have sex, then maybe the FWB is the way to go. If it’s just a sex drive issue, then I think she needs to figure out a way to meet her husbands needs. Because that is a Jerry Springer episode just waiting to happen no matter how great it may seem in the beginning. That’s my opinion.

  • Matt

    You know, sex for a man does not have to equal orgasm either. And what about her needs? It sounds like you’re straying into some dangerous territory (“You don’t need a sex drive to allow your spouse sexual gratification”). She’s not just a hole on legs–she’s a person, and deserves to have the full experience with her husband if it is possible.

  • lymis

    I’d say that while “who’s idea is this” is a valid question, it’s not the critical one.

    Regardless of who initially raised the option, the question is whether it was discussed openly and honestly, and that everyone involved has the completely free option to say that it doesn’t work for them.

    If one partner raised it as an option, and the other embraces it wholeheartedly, the decision remains both (or potentially, all) of theirs.

    Because even if both spouses felt that this was an ideal solution, if the ex is being strung along in the hopes that the previous relationship will be fully rekindled, then there would be a significant moral issue there.

  • lymis

    This is one of those situations where I’d need to separate the question of morality from the question of Christian beliefs, practice, and doctrine.

    There are circumstances in which this option, to my mind, would be perfectly moral and, while certainly raising extra relationship challenges (as well as potential relationship benefits), I wouldn’t even begin to try to frame it as somehow in line with commonly held Christian beliefs.

    At the same time, it’s been a LONG time since I felt that “I am a Christian, but on this particular point, I don’t accept common Christian belief and choose to make my own personal moral choice in the matter” was in any way wrong for an individual. Especially when they can honestly say that there are circumstances in their own life that make the “standard” answer unworkable.

    And even longer since I felt that “This is the choice I make and I’m fully prepared to stand with it before God” was anything other than the right answer – whether that choice aligns with orthodox belief or not. I would far rather stand before God and explain that I fully considered things and made the choice I felt was right than to justify why I stuck to a choice that didn’t work and made myself and others miserable because I was afraid to consider other options.

    The parable of the guy who buried his treasure rather than invest it where he felt it could grow and thrive comes to mind.

  • Andre Villeneuve

    “There is no moral issue with you allowing your husband to sleep with the other woman. What’s immoral is lying, cheating, hiding…”

    Talk about the worst advice ever. Marriage is not just an agreement of convenience between a man and a woman but also a holy covenant before God. Condoning or justifying adultery, one of the greatest sins and violations of the Ten Commandments (Ex 20:14), and deceiving others into thinking that it’s no big deal, reminds me of Jesus’ warning about scandal: “but whoever causes one of these little ones who believe in me to sin, it would be better for him to have a great millstone fastened around his neck and to be drowned in the depth of the sea” (Mat 18:6 ). Pretty serious business!

  • lymis

    “There is no moral issue with you allowing your husband to sleep with the other woman. What’s immoral is lying, cheating, hiding; what’s immoral is betraying the trust of your spouse.”

    I agree. I would also separate out the question (under the subtopic of lying) of whether it needs to be anyone else’s business. Finding this proposed solution completely moral doesn’t require telling everyone who is not involved about the details.

    “Social monogamy” – or the appearance to people who have no say or stake in the matter that you are following the standard rules for a relationship – isn’t dishonesty unless doing so feels wrong to the people involved. Lying, cheating or hiding from the other person (or people) directly involved is immoral. Not sharing your intimate details with busybodies isn’t.

  • lymis

    I didn’t hear John saying that this choice should be made casually. By all indications, the question is being taken very seriously.

  • Agreed. This is a very complex issue with several unknown factors in place. Which is why I think it best to be honest in communicating concerns, rule out any barriers to successful results, and mutual compassion of each other’s needs.

  • Mariann Krizsan

    Sex is never just sex. Right now you three are all calm and rational about this. Once the sex starts, emotions (which often come out of no where at full force) can blow everything up for good. Humans are rarely sane when it comes to sex. I think that is why God commands us to reserve our sex drive for those that belong to each other. Everything else is playing with fire. Sure you are hoping for the best but you have to plan for the worst. The Old Testament bible is full of women ( and a few reverse cases) who gave their husbands other women for sex. It never turned out great for the wife in the end.

    My only advice – talk to God about this. Lots of prayer, then listen to the holy spirit for its wisdom and clarity in this.

  • JimJones1976

    It depends on the person, really. For some people sex is THE reason for any romantic relationship. If it isn’t there or won’t be there after a hiatus for a reasonable reason(such as you mentioned) then there isn’t a reason for it to be anything other than a close friendship.

    Of course, I’m speaking as someone who has an extremely high sex drive and an extremely low need for all of the non-sex related parts of a relationship(having multiple absentee girlfriends and long bouts of being single teaches one to live without a great deal). Your mileage may vary, of course.

  • dicentra

    I’m curious about the other woman. Is she supposed to be – essentially – a sex worker (for free?) with no love, security, bonding, affection, care, or mutual support from this man? So the wife gets all the real benefits of love and marriage and the other woman is basically the concubine? I’m wondering how she can be OK with this. If they’ve been intimate partners for years – including years before the husband and wife even met – how is she (the other woman) OK with her longtime intimate partner now being married to someone else? Does she then see other men? How would a potential boyfriend or husband of hers feel about a longstanding relationship in which she’s the concubine of a married man? Isn’t she going to be the one really hurt most in this? She’s being used for nothing more than her body. The husband leaves her to go back to the friendship, love, companionship, affection, financial joint arrangements, and confidant of his wife. What about children when and if they are an issue. If the wife wants children, obviously there will need to be marital intimacy. What if the other woman wants children? Is the wife OK with that? If they already have children, does this mean that the parents are modeling this unusual arrangement and what will they do when the children find out. (And they will find out.) It seems incredibly complicated and potentially heartbreaking for someone if not everyone.

  • lizzysimplymagic

    I have to agree… the whole “lie back and think of England” thing is bs. Besides, its possible her husband wants to have sex with someone who WANTS IT, rather than someone who does it out of obligation!

  • dicentra

    That’s a really good point and it leads to a different discussion. Is it fair for an asexual person to marry a sexual person? It seems very unfair on both counts. If this is the case, it seems like a serious discussion may be called for. If she is simply an asexual person, she is being unfair to her husband who is a sexual person and deserves to be married to a person who is orientated the same way he is — unless he knew this ahead of time and willingly chose it. If that’s the case, then he agreed to a sexless marriage and should stick to his agreement.

    But, as a person who has been married more than 25 years, I wonder what happens when age, injury, illness, medication, etc. might prohibit this husband from having sex, too. If he was unable to have sex in the traditional manner because of injury or age, wouldn’t the couple work together to find ways to express love and fulfill each partner’s needs such as with equipment or whatever? The partner who could not physically do the act in the traditional manner (whatever that means) could still make love with the other partner — and I imagine it could be a spiritually beautiful and emotionally fulfilling part of their relationship. If a marriage lasts long enough and the couple gets old enough, eventually a man will need some kind of pill or physical assistance with the traditional act on occasion. (Not always, but obviously many times or viagra wouldn’t sell so well.) Wouldn’t it be beautiful to find a way around that so that the couple could still make love, still have one partner or the other’s physical needs fulfilled, and still be together as a couple? It doesn’t have to be the “traditional way” or nothing. There are many other options for expressing love and fulfilling one another at whatever level that might be, without involving a third person in the marriage. This just seems very unfair for whomever it is who eventually gets left out, whether it’s the wife or the other woman. It also seems really kind of uncreative. Life will never be perfect and sex is part of life. How can we work around this issue and come out of loving each other even more with a stronger marriage than ever? Just pondering.

  • John Tyrrell

    Three consenting adults. ‘Nuff said.

  • Barb

    I’m pretty sure I know what the “very particular other community” is, and I agree with you that your advice would not be popular there. I actually do think that there are people that can have sex without much emotional involvement–there is such a wide range of people in every other aspect of being human –why not that one as well? But I don’t think it’s nearly as common as the commenters at that other community would like to think. So I really appreciate your advice, John, that the LW think it through more carefully before she makes a decision. My spouse is in a line of work where he finds out far more about people’s personal lives than he wants to know, and every couple he knows of that has tried having an “open” marriage has ended up divorced. Of course, he probably isn’t hearing from the couples who are happy with their open marriage, but still–it often goes wrong. It’s hard to anticipate how you will feel as things unfold.

    And monogamy is hard. But what makes it valuable is exactly what is ruined if you leave it behind. Choosing to moderate your own sexual desires and to navigate a difficult time period in your marriage when your libidos are significantly different is exactly what creates that unique bond between you, that you don’t have with anyone else. If you take the shortcut and get your needs met elsewhere, you lose the opportunity to work through it with your spouse. We’ve been married 30 years, and believe me, there have been plenty of ups and downs in each of our libidos. It helps to take the long view rather than the short one.

    Also, it’s hard to say based on the information given, but I am also suspicious that the husband isn’t being entirely honest here, especially since the “other woman” is a long-time friend and previous partner. If he really does want no-strings-attached sex with someone else, why is he going back to someone with whom he clearly does have strings attached? It feels at the very least a bit manipulative.

    Best of luck to the LW, whatever she decides.

  • Ygritte Snow

    ouch ouch ouch ouch. No no no no. Sex with low libido may mean dryness, chafing, bleeding, etc, not the emotional trauma if you are essentially being used as a sex doll to fulfill his needs (if that’s not your kink). Also, drive for sex also doesn’t just mean physical arousal, it means the emotional drive to be intimate with someone.

  • Ygritte Snow

    and not to mention, she may be on birth control pills to manage PCOS, or endometriosis, or another reproductive health condition. She might be on antidepressants or antipsychotics or pain medications that wreak havoc on her body. who are you to judge someone not knowing their situation.

  • KrisCynical

    “Jesus is a lot less concerned with what people do with their genitals than what people do with their hearts and minds and how they treat each other.”

    My reply here is a tangent from the subject/context of this discussion, but still:

    Every Christian that is seemingly *obsessed* with the intimate activities of the LGBT community needs to read this statement, comprehend it, commit it to memory, mind their own damn business, and shut UP about it. So much unnecessary emotional suffering could be avoided in the LGBT community that way!

    Christ didn’t tell us to be the sex/reproduction/marriage police. We’re here to be messengers to share the absolute love and compassion of the Lord, period!

  • Luke

    Sorry to say but just because it is hard to not sin does not make it ok. We all struggle with sin or hide it and deny it. It is a lifelong struggle. Just because your wife knows you are engaging in sin does not make it not sin. If that is the case we should be teaching people to not be so sensitive about adultery because it is only a sin if its hidden.

  • BarbaraR

    Sin can be defined as that which hurts other people, hidden or not; if all parties are consenting, and there is no hurt involved, then it is not up to others to label it sin. It’s between those people and their relationship with God, whatever that may be. As John was careful to outline, the danger of being hurt in this is very real, and he advised the woman to go carefully.

  • SakuVirta

    It accounts for the classic “dead eyes” of strippers and prostitutes, which is always the saddest thing to see.

    The strippers and prostitutes I’ve met didn’t possess “dead eyes”. In fact they seemed like ordinary people who are doing a job they sometimes like, sometimes not. Just like everyone else.

  • LadySunami

    It does seem rather difficult for people to grasp asexuality, doesn’t it? I don’t see why. Some people are attracted to men, some to women, some to both and some to neither. I happen to be in the neither category myself. Seems to me like the letter writer could be gray-asexual.

  • Shiphrah99

    Ditto all the above!

  • hillaryrobyn

    You may mean well, and that might even work for you, but that type of thinking was only considered ‘normal’ at a time when women were also told that if they achieved orgasms it meant that they were whores. Satisfying and emotionally bonding sex needs to be good for both partners, male and female, in order for a good relationship to work. Forcing someone to have sex as an obligation to their spouse is only going to build up negative feelings of being used and assaulted, and/or cause them to resent their partner.

    As for your question of whether she is physically unable to or if she is on pills to tamper her sex drive, I’m not sure why you are separating those two; a lot of times they go hand in hand. Most women need to be mentally into sex in order for their body to respond sexually, so when women take medications that hinder their desire for sex, their brains don’t tell their sexual organs to start working. A low libido can cause multiple physical problems, and forcing sex on a woman who isn’t ready is painful and can damage the tissue, making it even more painful the next time.

    Either way, if she doesn’t feel like having sex she should not be forced to just to please her partner.

  • Andrew Dowling

    The chance of no deeper emotional connection occurring between the husband and this “best friend” and this not ultimately harming their marriage I would say is extremely low. You don’t need to cite Bible verses to find issues with the proposal.

    Frankly I’d find it more morally suitable for the husband to hire upper-scale prostitutes, if this is really a medical issue with the wife (very unfortunate situation)

  • Rachael Nicole

    Okay so. I see everyone doubting your “medical condition” thing and I was wondering if you’d ever heard of asexuality? I’m asexual and any time my boyfriend and I have discussed a future together this same issue arises. I have no interest in sex. I’m not attracted to people that way. But if he has sex he wants it to be with a partner who is, well, enthusiastic. I don’t wish to label you, but your situation being so similar makes me wonder if you might like to research the term “Asexual”.

  • This is a tough issue, I’ll give you all credit on that one… In my Faith Tradition, the general rule is either marriage or celibacy. Marriage is defined as a social contract where two adults who are committed to one another, ideally for a lifetime make an oath to themselves and the community at large regarding that. Two, as opposed to three or more. Committed to one another. Doesn’t matter if they are male and male, female and female or male and female. But this is where my Faith Tradition is coming from.

    For now, until I can really wrap my brain around this — that is the best I can do. Granted, my Tradition is not for everyone, so one can take it or leave it. Also, for what its worth, according to the Gàidhlig Tradition, no one is going to hell because they didn’t do this issue right.

    That is all I got. Glad we’re here!

  • Super sleuth

    It is more than the machinery. If having sex with another guy doesn’t hurt your marriage… then you should be divorced. Sex cannot be shared