I was told to stay in the ranks.
Do not seek help outside of this church.
Anything you need?
You can find right here.
You see, I was all set to see a counselor for my anxiety that my doctor had recommended.
My appointment was the next day.
It had been set up for awhile because this particular therapist was hard to get into.
He was a sweet, older gentleman who actually had his office in another church building,
I remember getting a call from our pastor while I was grocery shopping.
Walking aisle by aisle while listening to him trying to reason with me.
He was telling me the importance of staying within our church body.
I didn’t need to go outside to get help with my anxiety/depression.
There were enough good people to get me through it within our group.
I was shaken up by this.
This appointment had been scheduled for awhile and I was so looking forward to it.
It seemed right that I would go to someone who was on the outside.
Especially since a whole lot of my anxiety was coming from inside.
Looking back, I’m so thankful for my husband’s wisdom.
When I called Kevin to tell him what the pastor said and how I needed to give the counselor 24 notice, he immediately shut it down.
“You are going to this appointment”.
“You need help and not from inside”.
“We do not need permission for you to see this counselor”.
Deep breath.
More anxiety.
Now I’m doing exactly what I’m so stinking anxious about anyway.
Going against the “authority” of our leader.
Ugh.
Do you see how messed up this was?
I shudder to think of how this all would have gone had I listened to him.
You know why?
Turns out, our pastor was right.
The thing he feared most?
Happened.
My counselor listened to our story.
Sat across from me as I wept.
Heard me saying there was no choice in the matter.
I told him over and over how we couldn’t leave this church.
I couldn’t be seen as a “church hopper”.
God would want me to submit.
I needed to learn to stifle my bigness.
Shut my mouth.
Sit down.
Definitely not raise my hands when I sing.
I had to stop rocking the boat.
So…
After a few months of counseling?
We just got out of that boat.
Me and Kev.
Kev and me.
Left all our friends and family and went someplace else.
Hopped on over to another church.
Sidenote ~ not the church where my counselor was. He had no agenda except my mental health.
It was scary.
It was so hard.
We were told by an elder that it was like we were divorcing them.
Maybe so?
If you want to call it a marriage?
It was a very unhealthy one to say the least.
This was absolutely one of the best decisions we ever made.
To this day, I am so grateful to have a husband who could see the situation for what it really was.
All of this took place more than a decade ago.
Seems like a lifetime.
And yet, just yesterday.
I can still remember the insecurity I felt.
The hopelessness.
The raw emotions as I sat on that couch across from a counselor who knew exactly what I needed.
The moral of this story?
Hmmm…
Being stuck and hopeless is no way to live.
And sometimes we just may need people on the outside to speak into our situation.
I remember saying I felt like a caged bird.
The thing is?
The cage was never locked.
The door was always open.
It just took someone from the outside telling me to fly on through it.
Oh, and guess what?
It’s so nice out here.
Karen R Shock resides in Fort Wayne, IN with her husband and their youngest son. She had three more children who are married and four beautiful grandchildren. Oh, and a dog name JT Barrett (Go Bucks). She is a retired homeschool mom and is now a high school teacher and cheer coach. Life is hard, but fun.
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