Winning At All Costs

I couldn’t play the game anymore.

Honestly, I didn’t even know what game I was playing.

Or that I was even playing a game at all.

Looking back now, I realize I was.

We were.

Heavy hitters, actually.

Leaders.

Dreaming big dreams.

Where lots of followers would follow.

People would look up to us.

Come to us for the answers.

People might say we were succeeding.

I’m not exactly sure what I would call it.

And right in the middle of this game I didn’t know we were playing?

Well, I decided to sit down for a minute.

Take a breather.

Ride the pine.

Not so much because I was tired.

More so because I was confused.

As my mom used to say… 

“I didn’t know if I was pitching or catching”.

What team was I really playing for?

And how important was this game was in the first place?

I wanted to be the MVP.

I think I did know that much.

And I like to win.

Oh, and sitting on the bench was for the weak.

So, I trained, I prayed, I sang, and I never really took time out to look around.

Until my head started spinning.

My mind started reeling.

And I began questioning.

I had a choice to make.

I could keep playing the game.

Keep pretending.

Or, I could sit out for a season and reassess the whole thing.

I knew what benching myself would do.

Taking myself out of the game,

I would lose so much.

There was just so much to lose.

Hearing the crowd cheer for me.

The dream of being on the winning team.

The famous team.

Under the lights.

Hearing my name.

Stepping up to the plate.

With a platform to speak from.

A leader in the game called “the christian life”.

Just keep playing, Karen.

Keep running.

Hustling.

Don’t ask questions.

Don’t stop to think.

All those thoughts you’re thinking?

Those fears that are keeping you up at night?

The anxiety running through your veins?

Shhhh….

Push it all down.

Nobody has to know.

Keep smiling.

Even when people on the opposing team are hurting.

Pay them no attention.

Focus on the prize.

Win at all cost.

Winning is our favorite.

Wait.

I’m supposed to focus on the prize?

And being the best?

The greatest of all time?

The money?

The fame?

Well, I just couldn’t.

I can’t.

I can no longer give up my soul to win whatever game this is.

I cannot waste another minute pretending.

Rooting for the bullies because they are supposedly on my team.

The “right” team.

Not to mention the fear of screwing up.

I just cannot.

I need to be truthful.

Full of truth.

No more pretending.

This game isn’t for me.

It never was.

I’m pretty sure I threw in the towel a long time ago.

I told Jesus to sign me up for his team.

The one that makes peace.

With an endgame of loving others.

It’s not glamorous.

It’s not fast and furious.

It’s actually more like…

Pick up another towel and serve.

Stop and look around.

Slow down and listen.

Stop the insanity.

Cease striving.

Risk the fame and fortune of it all.

No need for any of it.

Rest.

Walk.

Learn and grow.

Pay no attention to the hecklers in the crowd.

Or the ones who are still pretending.

Find the peace that is inside of you.

And give it away.

Be open, honest and real.

And watch some new teammates to show up.

Karen R Shock resides in Fort Wayne, IN with her husband and their youngest son. She has three more children who are married and four beautiful grandchildren.  She is a retired homeschool and public high school teacher and cheer coach. Life is hard, but fun. Learning to lean into the mess, find rest in today, and maybe even make some new friends along the way. We need each other. It’s so good to know we are not alone.