The Day my Faith Became Driven by Fear (a letter to myself)

Dear Little Karen,

You are gonna be ok.

God loves you.

You’ve seen something no 9 year old should see.

You’ve watched a poorly made movie that was meant to scare the “hell” out of you.

I’m sorry you saw it.

I’m really sorry no one took a minute to comfort you after your sweet little eyes saw something they could never unsee.

A woman getting her head chopped off because she didn’t get a stamp on her hand.

A “Jesus” horror flick. 

And just like that, you were scared to death of God.

Instead of a loving father, he became a monster in your young life.

A thief in the night.

Ready to steal your parents away as you slept.

I remember those nights.

You sleeping in between Mom and Dad, holding tight to both of their hands.

Sweet girl, you knew nothing of the scriptures and their complexity.

Just what a crazy film director could make up in his head to overdramatize and oversimplify a book written centuries ago… one that has been argued and debated about for 2000 years. 

Oh Karen, I know this movie will go on to haunt you for much of your life.

It will confuse the whole narrative of who God is for you.

I’m so sorry there was no “rated R” on this movie.

No warning whatsoever.

Just a little lady sitting in a big old dark gymnasium excited to see a film about the Jesus you loved so much.

Just know, I watched the movie recently on YouTube.

And as an adult? 

I was just as stinking freaked out.

So scary.

But, also?

So wrong in the portrayal.

The message was off.

The acting was horrible.

And they used a dang laundry basket to catch the heads being chopped off.

Ridiculous.

And although I laughed?

I wanted to cry too.

For the fear that was instilled in your innocent heart.

Although, no one who took you that night really is to blame.

I mean, how could have they known? 

I want you to know… we are ok.

We’ve made it through the years of nightmares and fears.

The struggle has been real.

But, that movie? 

That movie was in no way real.

You are loved.

You are safe in the arms of a good, good father.

You no longer have to beg him to save you every night before you go to bed.

You are, right now, seated in the heavenly places with Jesus.

The God you know now?

He loves you.

Has never stopped loving you.

His love is perfect.

We will be leaning into this Truth for the rest of our lives.

No more fear.

Perfect love drives out fear.

Karen R Shock resides in Fort Wayne, IN with her husband and their youngest son. She had three more children who are married and four beautiful grandchildren. Oh, and a dog name JT Barrett (Go Bucks). She is a retired homeschool mom and is now a high school teacher and cheer coach. Life is hard, but fun.