Drumroll: The Winner is…

Drumroll: The Winner is… December 16, 2010


While it’s true I am in Spokane and there is snow on the ground in some places, it isn’t really a snow day. It is nowhere near as cold as the 18 degrees my friends in Boston are enduring, or even the snowfall my friends in Tennessee are seeing. I’m in town a few days but plan to get out of here before any major snowstorms. Spokane can get some snowfall and I’d just soon avoid it.

But while I’m here I thought it would be a great time to announce the winner of the Bill of Rights contest. You may remember that I asked you to tell me which of the rights you would relinquish if you had to?  The vast majority said you’d be willing to give up your right to bear arms. What’s the matter with you people? It appears that most of you are bunch of pinko commie liberals. Hahahaha.

Matt Miles said he’d give up guns since he doesn’t own any. Besides, he noted, that seems the easiest right to give up — especially since he’s already done that, heh, Matt?

John Haselton said he’d give up the right to have soliders in his home since he doesn’t think it’s a right that will be exercised but if it was, he’d be happy to host soldiers in his home. I liked that answer. John made some good points. I think I’d like to have soldiers living in my home, too, should the basket really go to hell. As long as it’s not Union soldiers, of course. Being a southerner at heart, I’m partial to the hometown boys.

Jeff said he’d give up number 8, which protects a person against torture should you be arrested in America. Jeff reasoned that he’s never done anything to get arrested for, so he doesn’t really see the need to be protected from things, like say, waterboarding. I’d wager that Jeff is neither Hispanic nor of Muslim descent, heh? I’ve done plenty that I probably should have been arrested for and I’ve known my share of cops that would like to have thrown my butt in jail for no reason at all except that they didn’t like what I was reporting. So, thank you very much but I’d like to hang on to number 8 myself. I’ve never been very keen on torture in any form.

Bill said he’d give up number 4, his protection against unwarranted searches. He said he hoped that if they searched his place, they’d take some of the junk with them when they left. Any of you who know Bill might want to head over to his house and offer to clean out his garage. If nothing else, you could sell the stuff on eBay or Craig’s List. Make a little extra cash for Christmas. Be forewarned, however, Bill might be one of those hoarders they showcase on cable TV.

A couple of you complained that we might as well give up number 10 — states rights — since it looks like Congress already stomped that sucker flat anyway.

But the winner of the contest is Travis Harger. Travis said he’d give up number 7 because it seems to be the least important. And according to my husband, who earned his Masters in History from Washington State University and is somewhat of a Constitutional hound-dog, giving up the right to have a civil suit decided by a jury trial in favor of a bench trial would be the least intrusive right to relinquish. It doesn’t mean you don’t get a trial. Just means you have to let the judge decide instead of a jury of your peers. And if any of you have served on a jury as of late, then you know that that term — jury of your peers — is very loosely defined. Tim is biased, though. He’s long been a proponent of professional jurors. He thinks it’s important that if you’re serving on a jury you ought to know some basic rules of law, and I don’t think he means laws like don’t wear white after Labor Day or don’t leave your Spanx hanging on the towel rack — you never no when company might show up.

Congratulations Travis. You’ve earned yourself a copy of Billy Coffey’s wonderfully charming debut novel Snow Day and the deeply disturbing and not at all charming Where’s Your Jesus Now? Hopefully, I’ll get them in the mail to you in time for Christmas.

Thanks y’all for participating.


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