CTBHHM: Sex, Charles, and Lesbians

Created To Be His Help Meet, pp. 196

This week we continue with Debi’s questions not to ask your husband.

7. Do you ever think of just loving me in the spiritual way instead of always the carnal? I am so hungry for some deep spiritual understanding and communication.

Something deep inside him is so dissatisfied, so frustrated that she responds intimately only when she feels right about it. It speaks nothing of his manhood. His soul is sick all the way to its core. He falls asleep fantasizing about the woman he met in the store today. God, help his filthy soul.

Translation: If you tell you don’t sexually satisfy your husband, he will question his manhood and head down the road to sexual depravity. While, as a nonbeliever, I wouldn’t have any reason to ask this question as stated, I could see asking my husband if he wouldn’t mind just cuddling and talking this time instead of having sex. This isn’t a question I need to ask as it isn’t a problem we have, but there’s nothing wrong with wanting to bond and connect in a way that is nonsexual. Except if you’re Debi, of course.

8. Sweetheart, why won’t you have devotions with us? We want you to lead us in prayer and help us grow spiritually. The Bible says you are our spiritual leader. Why, why will you not lead?

He laughs inside himself, “Are you kidding? I can’t do that. I would feel like a total hypocrite. I can’t teach them about something I don’t know. I’m out of here.” He leaves, or works, or watches TV all the time; it is his escape.

Again, as a nonbeliever, I would have no reason to ask this. But, if you belong to a religious community that teaches that the man is to be the spiritual leader, it is a fair question to ask. And yet, Debi says women can’t ask it. She doesn’t even say that women should ensure to ask it in a way that isn’t passive aggressive, she says women should not ask it at all. And again, Debi’s portrayal of men is as mutes. Why could a husband asked this question answer honestly—why could he not say that he doesn’t feel like he is spiritual enough to lead? Wouldn’t honest communication between husband and wife be better than some sort of tension-filled standoff?

9. Why do you think the pastor said that about Charles? Don’t you think it was cruel? Sometimes I wonder if we should go to church somewhere else.

Angry bile seethes in him as he listens to her tell the story for the fourth time. He silently contemplates, “The pastor’s a hypocrite. He’s not any better than anyone else. I don’t know what makes him think he’s so righteous.”

This is one area where I’m out of my depth. I grew up in an evangelical megachurch where it was impossible to know everyone. The pastor would never have called out a parishioner by name. But what Debi seems to be saying here is that a woman should not say something critical of either pastor or church, as that might lead her husband to become critical of them himself. Is it just me or does Debi make men seem extraordinarily easily led? I mean, is a man not capable of saying “No, actually, I think Charles deserved it”? Or, “You’re right, I was thinking the same thing”?

10. Poor Charles, it is so sad to see what the preacher’s mean words have done to that family. Don’t you think we should do something about it, like call and let them know we love them and don’t agree with the pastor? Besides, I am so hurt at the pastor myself.

Frustrated at his own failures, and being full of bitterness for others has run its course and is now baring fruit as he silently surmises, “All those self-righteous people make me sick. I don’t care what they do, but they will not do it to me.”

At this point I am wondering—what in the world did the pastor say about Charles?!

11. Honey, it’s church time. You need to get dressed. What! You’re not going? But you always go to church. Do you think you should let a silly thing like that business with Charles keep you from worship? Besides, you know, the pastor was right, that Charles was up to no good all along! You have to go to the church. What about the boys? You’ll be a bad influence on them. Don’t you care?

Um, what? I think the basic idea Debi is trying to communicate is that if a woman is critical of pastor or church, she will drive her husband from Christianity entirely. Which, really? Men are so fragile in Debi’s world!

12. Jane, I want you to know that without your close, loving friendship, which I turn to every day, I would never be able to get through this loveless marriage. He is so cold and distant, He doesn’t care about the children. I don’t know how I could have been so deceived into thinking he was a fine, Christian man when I married him. Will you ask the girls to pray for him this week at our women’s meeting?

Oh look! We seem to be back to the creeping lesbianism issue! Also, how exactly is this a question not to ask your husband? Regardless, what Debi seems to be doing is cutting women off from any sort of a support network. I agree that gossip can be a problem, but if you’re in a bad marriage having the support and care of friends and family can be extremely helpful, and having someone to talk to about your struggles can be absolutely essential. 

This section can be summed up quite simply: Don’t communicate. No really, don’t communicate. It will make your husband second guess himself, pull away from you, and turn away from God. Silence is your friend.