Guest Post: I Am Not Planning on Being a Stay-at-Home Mom (part II)

Originally posted at I Turn and Burn

Read part I here

In my last post, I left off talking about the decision I made during high school not to have children, even though I knew my decision would be frowned upon by others in my Christian community.

When I was in high school, I believed that public school damaged children in irreversible ways. I imagined students having sex and performing drug deals right there in the classrooms with the teachers there, condoning their behavior. I imagined teachers becoming abusive when they learn that certain students are Christians and Christians becoming martyrs in their own school. The way that my parents described public school, I believed that nobody’s faith is strong enough to withstand public and sending your kids to public school is basically like sending them to hell.

When I went to college, I was surprised to meet many people who went to public school, whose lives had not been ruined by drugs, alcohol and sex. I marveled at this totally new concept that someone could go to public school and still be a Christian and be a genuinely good person. I am embarrassed to say how shocking this concept was to me and how much it amazed me.

For this reason, I began to reconsider whether or not I wanted to have kids. But now instead of thinking of it in terms of how much I would need to give up in order to have them, I began thinking about it in terms of whether I am actually cut out to be a mother, and I still not sure. When I was in high school, my mom told me that she used to be worried about me because I had no interest in babies, and that she isn’t anymore because I join the other women in fawning over babies. I of course did not tell her about my plan to never have children but I have remembered that to this day because I know that I was socially conditioned to behave in adoration over every baby I see.

The truth is, I am not a very nurturing person. I don’t enjoy taking care of babies; I usually like to hold a baby for a few minutes and then I want it to go back to its mom. Most people who know me wouldn’t believe this because I work with children. I am an ABA therapist for children with Autism and I want to stay in this field (yes I have finally made up my mind!) I am so passionate about my career that I have to constantly remind myself not to talk about work too much in social settings. I love kids with Autism, I am fascinated by them, I love learning everything I can about Autism and I love seeing the difference that ABA (applied behavioral analysis) makes in their life. But then I go home and enjoy the time that I have to myself.

I think about what it would be like to come home after 8 hours of working with kids with Autism and then take care of my own kids. Sometimes I don’t feel like I would have enough to give to both. I feel like both my work and my relationship with my children would suffer. Because of my field, I work closely with parents and I know that being a parent means making sacrifices. All. the. time. It isn’t something I would decide to do all willy nilly. I know that some day I might feel differently about having children. I am still young and I can’t rule out the possibility of getting baby fever some day. I think that I would be a really good mom as long as I have enough time for my children.

There are two things I am very grateful for now. One is that I would not have to give up the career I love in order to have children. I actually want my children to be independent and know that I trust them enough to let them go to school. The other thing I’m grateful for is that nobody I’ve brought into my life since graduating high school would ever judge me if I decided not to, and at this point my family wouldn’t either. Everyone in my family has changed a lot since my parents split up 3 years ago. My mom is proud of what I do and she has her own career now as well!

Things turned out well for me but unfortunately this is not the case for every woman who grows up believing that being a stay at home mom is God’s will for her life. I have nothing against women who choose to do that but the key word is “choose”. Why should men have a whole world of possibilities and women only have one option? And why shouldn’t a man be able to stay home if that is what works best for him and his marriage? I think conservative Christian culture could be improved greatly if people realized there is no “one size fits all” formula.