When Up Is Down and Down Is Up, Submission Edition

I recently came upon an old article explaining the concept of wifely submission. While I’m unsure who wrote it, and it appears to be from the 1990s, it’s similar enough to the ideas taught by many evangelicals and fundamentalists that it bears addressing.

There are a lot of misconceptions about submission and submissive people.  Before we can intelligently consider what the Bible has to say on the subject of submissive wives we need to clear these misconceptions out of our way.  Let me begin with a few simple statements about the nature of submission:

–> Only a strong person can be submissive.

–> Submissiveness is not timidity, it is not servility, it is not subservience, it is not docility, it is not degrading, it is not a sign of weakness.

–> Submission is a sign of strength, not of weakness and a greater degree of submission requires a greater degree of strength of personal character.

And up is down and down is up. I mean, the basic argument appears to be that it is hard to submit to another’s will, and therefore submission is actually an incredible powerful thing, something to be valorized. And somehow, because it is hard to submit to another’s will, submission is a sign of character. But why? Why valorize hard things in this way? How is this different from arguing that people should wipe down their floors on their hands and knees rather than using a mop, because doing it the harder way shows you have more “character”?

Submission is an act of the will — it is the result of a choice, a decision.  The act of submission can only come from a choice that a person makes.  Submission cannot be enforced upon a person.  Either a person submits of their own free will or they do not submit at all.  Submission is a gift that one person chooses to give to another person.  By contrast oppression is the act of extracting something from a person against their will.  Submission and oppression are, therefore, opposite qualities of a relationship and not even remotely similar.

Okay, let’s see, submission and oppression both mean one person’s will prevailing over another’s, so no, I’m not buying this “submission and oppression are not even remotely similar” crap. It is absolutely true that evangelicals and fundamentalists teach that wives should submit voluntarily. But they seem to miss that the husband abstaining from using physical force does not mean there is no coercion. Wives can be beaten down by the words of their pastor, mentors, and friends, choosing to submit to their husbands because they believe they have no other option.

As for submission being a gift . . . who would ask for such a gift? If my husband came to me and said “honey, I have a gift for you, from now on I will submit to you and let you make the decisions for our family,” I would be horrified. I don’t want his submission. I want his partnership.

The submission of a good wife is a glorious thing that is intended to help her and her husband to have a contented life together.  Problems in life and in marriage are more or less inevitable but when a woman is submissive to her man it is much more likely that those problems can be resolved harmoniously, without unpleasant quarrelling and without bitterness and resentment.  Those people who look down on submission as if it were something demeaning, degrading or humiliating are merely showing that they have no understanding of what submission is and that they are quite ignorant of its power.

Wow. OF COURSE it is easier to resolve disputes “without unpleasant quarrelling” when the de facto response to having a dispute in the first place is for the wife to give over and let her husband have his way. But is this really resolution?

If you are a Christian wife who has been feeling uncomfortable with the Biblical demand that you submit to your husband then, I hope, these statements have perked up your interest and given you a glimpse of the bright cheerfulness ahead.  Being submissive to your husband does not mean, as so many ignorant detractors of submission seem to think, that you should be an empty-headed bimbo, or that you should have no opinions of your own, or that you should be like a doormat.

Oh? Do tell.

If you are a Christian husband I hope that you will take care to understand the nature of submission and be careful to understand your responsibilities in response to your wife’s submission to you.  A submissive wife is not a justification for an abusive husband.  God commands men to love their wives with the same kind of love that he [God] gave to his people … that’s a pretty tough assignment to give a mortal man and it doesn’t include the possibility of abuse.

Doesn’t include the possibility of abuse? Is the author unaware that abusers will frequently say “I’m doing this for your good” and “I’m doing this because I love you”? This is one of the beefs I have with evangelicals acting as though the love/submit commands are somehow equal, or as though God’s command that husbands love their wives somehow makes abuse concerns irrelevant.

A submissive wife is one whose heart is inclined towards satisfying her husband and who has made a choice to be led by her husband, to accept his authority and to be his helper in the broad biblical sense of that word.  She does not seek to please her husband because she is afraid of his rebuke or rejection or punishment, but because she delights to please him and finds satisfaction in doing so.

Oh jeez. So not only is a wife required to submit to her husband, she must also delight in pleasing him and find satisfaction in submitting. Because otherwise she’s not actually a good submissive wife. Mind control much? Whatever happened to the author’s claim that submission does not mean a wife should not have a mind of her own?

For a man, a submissive wife is a pleasure to be around because she helps him to feel peaceful and contented, she is a reliable helper who can be depended upon.  He can trust her with his deepest desires and fears because he is not afraid of her scorn or her rejection or her anger.  He can relax with her because he knows that even when he makes mistakes, she will be working with him to put them right and minimize the consequences rather than using them to prove a point or as an excuse for rejecting him in some way.  A man who has a submissive wife acquires a greater sense of self respect because he knows that she respects his authority in her life and she is not in any way trying to belittle him.

Do you see that part I made bold? I have seen this come up again and again in these sorts of writings and I’m finding it increasingly fascinating. We’ve seen Debi Pearl argue that a husband can only truly open up to his wife and trust her if she submits to him and never criticizes him. Frankly, this implies a very low opinion of men’s egos. Yes, a person can turn a relationship south in a heartbeat by being constantly critical and scornful and continually bringing up past mistakes. But this is not the only alternative to submission. There is this thing called a healthy relationship built on respect and communication.

And good golly, if men needed the women in their lives to kowtow to them and treat them like spoiled babies to be indulged in order to have self respect, I would be moving to a lesbian commune in a heartbeat. Fortunately, my own personal experience says that’s bullshit.

A submissive wife is one who makes a choice not to resist her husband’s will.  That is not to say that she cannot disagree with him or that she cannot express an opinion.  Indeed the submissive wife is, by definition, a strong woman and will usually therefore have her own opinions and these may often be different to the opinions of her husband.  Can she express them?  Of course she can, and indeed it might often be wrong for her not to express them since she is, after all, supposed to be her husband’s helper, not his slave or doormat.  Expressing her opinions and giving advice and suggestions will often be a valuable part of the help that she gives her husband.

So what is submission, then? An attitude? If a woman is properly subservient in her interactions with her husband, then it won’t hurt his ego?

Let us see how this works in life by using an analogy of a road for life and junctions in the road for each of life’s decision points of choices.  The married man and woman set off walking along the road of life and at each junction they choose which road to take next.  Sooner or later they will arrive at a junction where they each desire to take a different road and hence there is a disagreement:

In the disharmonious family there is a quarrel, there is cajoling or bullying, there is intimidation and bitter words.  The quarrel might last for the rest of their lives with neither giving ground and thus they never move on or, finally, either the husband and wife continue along one road together with one of them feeling resentful and both of them feeling bruised and wary of the other, or if they could not even obtain an unpleasant agreement then the marriage might simply fall apart and they separate, each taking a different road.  None of these outcomes is pleasant or desirable.

Hang on a tick. Here it is again. Apparently your only options are a bitter and disharmonious relationship with terrible communication and negotiation skills or, well, submission. This is ridiculous. Absolutely no one, including the most ardent critics of submission (like me!), sees the scenario described above as at all healthy, okay, or desirable. I mean seriously, when did bullying and intimidation become the only alternative to submission?!

When a submissive woman finds that her wishes conflict with those of her husband she has little or nothing to fear.  If her husband is respectful then they will discuss the matter together agreeable, frankly and cheerfully and through the discussion they might reach either a compromise or one of them might change their mind completely and accept the other person’s wishes.  If this happens then they can then continue along the road they have now agreed upon with no sense of bitterness and without having expressed any angry words.  However agreement might not be reached so then what?  If they cannot reach agreement then the submissive wife needs only to obey her husband and accept his wishes graciously.  Having done this there are now only a few possible outcomes, all of which have positive aspects and none of which is particularly terrible.  In the first possible outcome they will take the road the husband selects and, in due course they will discover that they have chosen a good route through life and both will be happy.  In the second possible outcome they will take the road the husband selects but, in due course, they discover that it was not such a good choice after all.  All they do is turn around, go back to the junction and take a different road; there has been no need for argument, nobody has felt disrespected or belittled and they have not bruised one another.  Although the husband’s choice turned out to be a bad one, they have discovered the mistake together, discovered it quickly, and swiftly got back onto a better road and, in the process, they have strengthened their bond by having been able to disagree with dignity and mutual respect.  They are not stuck in a perpetual argument at the junction, they have not separated and the process of finding a mutually acceptable road has not weakened their marriage.

Okay so let’s see, if the husband is respectful he will listen to either the wife’s views and they will either come to an agreement through discussion, or if they cannot agree he will have to make the final call. My in-laws practice submission like this, and they say they only come to an impasse about once a year. In other words, in every case except that one each year, my in-laws have what amounts to a functionally egalitarian marriage.

There’s also a lot of talk here about how, if a wrong choice is made and it is found to be wrong, the couple can just backtrack and take a different choice, no harm no foul, no need to disrespect, belittle, or bruise each other. But the thing is, this has nothing to do with submission. In fact, provided this goes both ways and doesn’t mean ignoring mistakes to the extent of enabling them to be needlessly repeated, this is an important part of any healthy relationship. There are plenty of times when a couple will find that a mutually decided upon decision was the wrong one, or at least sub-optimal. There are also times when one partner may make a mistake, costing the couple money, etc. Sean and I have had these things happen in our own marriage, and we try to work through them together in a nonjudgemental way.

The author also discusses being “able to disagree with dignity and mutual respect” as though it is a property of wifely submission. For the life of me, I do not understand how these people go through life thinking this. There are plenty of egalitarian relationships where the couple is able to disagree with dignity and mutual respect, and indeed this is something any secular counselor would encourage a couple to learn to do. This has utterly nothing to do with wifely submission, except that the author of the piece apparently thinks that a wife who does not submit to her husband is de facto quarrelsome, judgmental, and angry. It’s like these people deal in stereotypes and are so far removed from reality that they’ve lost touch with it completely.

But getting back to the piece, what if the husband is not respectful? What then?

If the submissive woman has a husband who is not respectful and who is inclined to abuse her gift of submissive then still she has little to fear.  The worst possible outcome is that they will travel a bad road together until the next junction.  Although the road might be bad it is good to remember the positive aspects of the situation: They have still remained together, they have kept alive the possibility of improving their relationship as they make their way through the troubles of life, they have not wasted time and damaged one another in a bitter quarrel and they are not still standing at the junction locked in argument.  They have moved on, and therefore given themselves the hope of another choice later.  This, remember, is the worst possible outcome.  Even with a selfish husband it is still possible that he will acknowledge that the road is bad and that they will turn back to take another route.

Yes, you read that right. If a woman has a husband who is inclined to abuse her submission, hey, no harm no fowl! Because hey, they’ll still be married! An abusive relationship is better than no relationship, right?! And the wife hasn’t damaged their relationship by daring to disagree with her husband! And hey, the husband might realize the error of this bad decision or that and set things aright eventually, so why worry about it?

Good god. Next time an evangelical is askance at the idea that submission could be used to justify an abusive relationship or keep a woman with her abuser, you need point them no farther than this paragraph.

I have mentioned this example of a road journey to try and illustrate that submission can bring real and worthwhile benefits to a marriage.  The scripture also indicates that the act of submission by a woman is able to influence a bad man to change his ways but even if he doesn’t change, her choice of submission will still allow her to avoid the worst of the possible problems that a bad marriage and husband might bring.

From my reading of this bit, the only benefits I see in this section come from (a) the couple being able to disagree with each other with mutual respect and with healthy communication skills and (b) the couple being able to talk through an issue until they come to agreement, and neither of these things have anything to do with submission. Everything else—from the husband de facto getting the final say to the abusive asshole being able to tromp all over his wife while is as meek and quiet as can be—is utterly without benefit.

And then there’s this bit at the end:

A summary reminder: What is submission?

As already mentioned, submission is a gift that one person gives to another.  Now I would like to briefly reiterate and expand upon some misconceptions about a submissive person.

Misconception: A submissive person is weak.

This is very wrong.  In fact a very weak person cannot submit.  Only a very strong person can submit fully.  Remember, submission is a gift that must be given freely.  It is impossible to force a person to submit because that is a contradiction in terms.  A weak person can be manipulated and forced to obey but then that is no longer submission but oppression.

Honestly? This isn’t a criticism I hear that much. The concern is not so much that a submissive wife is “weak” as that she is being taken advantage of—even if she submits “voluntarily.” And actually, it’s more than just that—it’s sadness at what they could have had but won’t, because they are not in an egalitarian relationship. My own mother is a very strong woman, and I have watched her belief that she must submit to my father wreak havoc on her and on my parents’ relationship. If they could only approach each other as equal partners, without this headship/submission crap, their relationship could be so much healthier, and that makes me sad.

Misconception: A submissive person has no control.

Actually nobody is every fully in control of their own lives because nobody can control all of their circumstances.  Submission is an act of the will; a submissive person makes a positive choice to submit to another person.  Consequently a submissive person has at least as much in control as any other person, possibly more since many people never make definite positive choices but merely drift from one excuse to another.

O_o

That’s his response? Seriously? Well at least now I know he doesn’t actually have a response.

Misconception: Submission is degrading.

In fact submission is a very beautiful and enormously valuable gift that only a strong person can give.  Nobody is degraded by giving, or wanting to give, beautiful and valuable gifts to another person.  Submission is a gift that benefits the giver even if the receiver is incapable of treating the gift and the giver with the appropriate respect and care.

If submission is so beautiful and valuable, why doesn’t the author set about submitting to his wife? I’m serious—if it’s so awesome, why reserve it for women? Why not just preach how awesome submission is in a gender neutral way, and encourage it for everyone? Because I mean seriously, preaching about how awesome it is to submit your own will to your partner when you yourself have never done so and never expect to do so is just ridiculous. Seriously, if submission is so awesome, you can have it, because I sure as heck don’t want it.

As for that last sentence, well, there’s more abuse apologia for you.

Misconception: A submissive person is abused.

Well, it is true that a submissive person could be abused by a stupid person who does not appreciate the value of the gift.  However, anybody can be abused, submissive or not, so this irrelevant.

O.O

There is so much misunderstanding of the dynamics of abuse here that I don’t even know where to start. Look, abusers seek to control their victims. Sometimes they do this through threat of physical violence, and sometimes through various forms of manipulation, often through both. A wife who believes it is her role to submit to and obey her husband—even if he is unreasonable or unkind, as this author himself emphasizes—is a sitting duck, because she will let herself be controlled, and even believe that is how God wants it. And then there is the issue of getting out of an abusive relationship, something this author takes an obvious stance against. That this author cannot see that his own teachings set women up to be abused and prevent them from getting out is kind of horrifying.

The more I read things like this, the more I appreciate my husband Sean and our egalitarian relationship. It’s not that things are always perfect, but good golly, when compared to this my marriage is an absolute dream.