How Far Is Too Far?

Okay I’m just gonna ask, at the risk of you feeling like I have just ignored everything you just wrote. And I am not even sure that you are the right person to ask, but seeing that this topic is being addressed here, here goes…. so often I am in a group of LDS girlfriends and the topic of Sex always comes up. I am sure that we are an odd group at best, these are always the same questions/comments. “How far is too far?” and my favorite “my husband wants to get a little nasty”(which I would love to find out what nasty means, because in our prudish culture is probably what others do on a first date.). I’ve been with Non LDS women and have had to leave, as they swapped stories, and things to try. My age group is 30plus and we all remember the council from Church leadership (I can’t pinpoint this at the moment) eons ago where it was strongly encouraged that we not participate in oral sex, even in marriage.
I think it’s funny that we are so programed by this (myself included), but what quick answer would you give us in these situations as girlfriends sitting around.
Thanks! And I love your Blog!!!!

Thanks for your complimentary comments and your great questions. I think it is important and a good sign that you are able to have an outlet with other LDS women (and also non-LDS women) to discuss sexuality. As long as this is done in a respectful fashion, especially where the spouse is concerned, I believe it can be a place where our own biases, myths, and misconceptions can be challenged and even dispelled. It can also be a place where we stand by our convictions and realize others may be comfortable with things one is not. Regardless, it will be a learning opportunity.

I’m not sure what you are referring to regarding official church council regarding oral sex within marriage (maybe others will know and write in). I am not aware of anything being said of the subject by any recent leaders. I have previously asked this specific question of several bishops I have had. All have responded similarly with it being up to the couple in question. I believe oral sex can be one of the many ways a couple can show love to one another and forge an even deeper level of intimacy. For some women, it can be an easier way to achieve orgasm. However, some are not comfortable with this sexual style and should not feel coerced or forced into it.

As far as “getting nasty”, this can have very many definitions for different people. Rather than use the term “nasty” which implies “dirty” or “wrong,” I’d like to discuss the ability of becoming more direct and/or aggressive in our level of communication. Sometimes men can find themselves being the main pursuer of sexual relations. It can be exciting and wonderful for them to have their wives switch that role and pursue them at times. Talking is always a way to appropriately spice things up. My intention in writing the following is not to be inappropriate or offend, only to serve as educator. All of the following could be fun and playful things for women to say:

keep touching me there, that feels so good
you are so big, I love how you fill me up
you are such an incredible lover
I need to have you right now!
take me now
whatever you do, don’t stop, etc.

These types of communications during sex or as part of foreplay can be incredibly arousing for men. It can also be a way for women to explore their more assertive sexual sides and their feelings of being sexy, attractive and in control. Trying different positions can also be an exciting tool, as well as having different places to have sex. Just like we got creative back during our dating years as to fun, cheap dates that kept us looking forward to the next one, we can do similar things with our sex lives. All it takes is a bit of creativity and willingness to try something new.

The most important thing to a healthy sexual life between partners is loving, honest and respectful communication. The willingness for both to step out of comfort zones or old, unproductive patterns is also important. Sex can be such a fun and playful part of a marital relationship that also serves as a bonding tool. I hope all can be committed to achieving this type of sexuality within marriage.

I would also recommend reading my earlier post on both oral and anal sex.